Tuesday, August 8, 2023

Tuesday, August 8, 2023 -- Mattie died 723 weeks ago today!

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2009. It is a follow up photo to last night's posting. Last night, the photo showed Peter wheeling Mattie outside to our deck to view his big surprise. Here it was.... a big ride-on vehicle. Mattie always wanted one of these battery powered cars. Pre-cancer, we refused such a request. But as Mattie's last wish, we made sure it happened. Mattie named this red car, 'Speedy Red.' Speedy Red remained on our deck for an entire year after Mattie died. The car literally died from exposure to the weather. I just couldn't and did not have the heart to move, donate, or dispose of this vehicle. 

Quote of the day: On your darkest days do not try to see the end of the tunnel by looking far ahead. Focus only on where you are right now. Then carefully take one step at a time, by placing just one foot in front of the other. Before you know it, you will turn that corner. ~ Anthon St. Maarten

We had horrific storms yesterday. Three in a row. Poor Sunny took to the basement at 11pm, he couldn't take it anymore. Today I made sure to carve out time for myself to take a walk. After walking, I stopped by my neighbor's home. They are away on vacation and I am left in charge of the property. They gift me a homemade pie for my efforts! I assure you I am happy to work for pie or chocolate! Each day I visit my neighbor's home, I am greeted by this painted lady, my name for this turtle. She doesn't move very far, and I typically find her in the same location. 

I worked about 40 minutes at my neighbor's property, picking up sticks and branches. This is all the debris that accumulated from yesterday's storms. Literally there was so much wood that I filled up a greens bin and then resorted to making piles of branches at the curb. 

One pile! This may not seem like a big deal, but some of these branches are taller than me and are heavy.

The second pile! It is hard to believe that all of this fell yesterday! I check the property on a regular basis and always pick up sticks along the way. So I know this debris is from yesterday alone. 

Later in the day, I went into our backyard and collected this pile of sticks and brought it to the curb for tomorrow's pick up. Needless to say, I feel like I got quite the work out today. 

I certainly have other work piling up around me, but I just can't focus on it right now. There are times when I am too tired and too overwhelmed to be of much mental use. Instead of getting frustrated with myself, I just pause, and I know in time, I will be able to regroup and address it. This philosophy of being patient with myself just did not happen. I have evolved into this, because after Mattie died my work habits, ability to concentrate, and focus changed dramatically. I once was able to multi-task. I could write, listen to music or people talking, and concentrate. NOT after Mattie died. His cancer experience changed me. I can't read a solitary word without complete silence now. I remember this being a problem when I ran my licensure board meetings. Which is why the staff knew, if they wanted me to read something, I had to receive it ahead of time. Otherwise, I would really struggle. Do I get frustrated with this change in myself? Certainly, YES! But at least I am aware of this issue and know what I need to do to compensate for this change. Any one who thinks that the psychosocial issues end for parents after their child's cancer journey is technically over, is VERY WRONG. This is just one simple example to prove my point.