Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2008. Behind me was a pump, which was giving Mattie an infusion of a pre-med before chemotherapy. The goal was for Mattie to sit still while that was happening. I tried to rest, in hopes that Mattie would follow my lead, but as you can see, he was full of energy and had no intention of resting. The irony was that year, none of us got much sleep. Between living in a hospital and how Mattie was feeling, we were lucky if we got 3-4 hours of sleep a night. I truly don't know how we managed on such little sleep and then had to continue to make life and death decisions each day.
Quote of the day: It's so curious; One can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. ~ Colette
Given that today is Tuesday, my dad doesn't typically go to his memory care center. He attends on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. However, I had made plans to meet with one of our researchers for lunch. I brought my mom along, but I did not think I could manage my dad. I felt guilty about this decision, until I experienced breakfast this morning. I had just brought my dad downstairs from being showered and dressed. I got him to the table and he was having cereal, without milk. Within minutes he was moving his chair away from the table and wanted to go to the bathroom. Of course by the time he got there, he already had a bowel movement. So I had to clean him up again and change him completely. Not to mention throw out trash and clean the bathroom. It was a full morning, and I hadn't even begun to eat breakfast. After this ordeal, I reflected and said to myself..... YOU MADE THE RIGHT DECISION (about lunch)!
In fact, my dad has absolutely NO interest in interacting with anyone and the reality is he wouldn't appreciate meeting this wonderful researcher, hearing our dialogue, or moving at our pace. I want so many things for him, but I constantly have to separate my needs for him from what he actually needs. It is very devastating seeing someone you love ravaged by dementia. His body may look the same but the father I knew is long gone. He was a CPA by training and if you ask him today anything to do with accounting, he has NO IDEA! I mean NONE. He can't recall most of his work, the art of working with numbers, and whatever paperwork my mom shows him, he is a complete blank. Which is why I oversee all financial decisions with my mom.
Today's lunch was a breath of fresh air. It was wonderful to have a meaningful conversation, to learn about the clinical work this researchers is doing, and to have a discussion about ways we can collaborate. Even my mom had a good time listening along. Of course this researcher is a quality individual, so connecting with her is easy. This researcher has been part of our journey since 2012! We met for lunch at a local restaurant that I take my mom to on a regular basis. Over time we have gotten to know Meredith, our favorite server there! Meredith is under 21, but a very thoughtful and meaningful individual. She was happy we brought a friend with us today and treated us all to dessert! Lovely no? It is the Meredith's of the world who truly enable me not to lose faith and hope in my daily existence and in life in general.
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