Thursday, October 17, 2024

Thursday, October 17, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2006. Mattie was four and a half years old. We took him to Butler's Orchard that weekend. This was a farm Mattie's preschool introduced us to, and though our time at that preschool was short lived, this farm became a tradition for us each Fall and Spring. Mattie loved riding the hay wagon to the fields to pick out a pumpkin! We took many wonderful photos in this spot and I really thought it was going to be a long standing tradition, that we would visit for decades. Never realizing how short a period of time we would have Mattie in our lives. 

Quote of the day: Then her heart, now broken into a thousand pieces, slowly began to turn to ice. ~ Morgan Rhodes

Don't even ask me about today. It was one big blur.... filled with chore after chore. My dad is back to scratching up his legs! He doesn't have bug bites and he doesn't have a rash. I am convinced this is part of dementia, being obsessed and fixated on a task! The problem with the repetition of this is that he will develop an infection if I don't get on top of this. I have tried every lotion and topical cream. Nothing works. So today, I literally put zinc oxide all over these scratches, put a sterile pad on top of that and then wrapped his legs in gauze. So far it is the only thing that works, along with ice packs. I could write a book on managing a person with dementia at this point, and it wouldn't make for fun reading. 

Later today I had my weekly therapy appointment. I basically told her she is on borrowed time. I find her ineffective and today she was basically telling me that I am stuck. That I can't seem to let Peter go, and find a way forward. Correct, I did not need to pay her for that revelation! She puts a rational lens on my situation, and I assure you there is nothing rational about it. I can understand her point of view, but she can't understand mine, nor does she give any credence that what I am expressing could possibly be true. She wants me to look forward, to imagine life NOT being stuck and with a future ahead. I told her she doesn't get it! NOT one bit. I don't see a future ahead, nor do I care to. 

If I hear her saying one more time about putting a coin in my emotional bank account, I think I will smack her! She mentioned going out with a friend, taking a walk, and the list went on! I told her I have no interest in walking, why meet a friend, as it isn't going to help me and with each thing she tossed out at me, I tossed one right back at her. I am quite certain she never met a person like me, but as I told her I do not need help understanding the world of Vicki or how Vicki operates. I am crystal clear on Vicki! 

It takes a lot to sit in all my losses and to feel the pain I am enduring each day. I have no choice, this is my life, but I can tell that not everyone is up for this challenge.