Saturday, October 12, 2024

Saturday, October 12, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2004. Mattie was two and half years old. We took him to a fall festival that weekend. A traditional highlight to our Falls. I never went to fall festivals as a child, so in all honesty it was as exciting for me as it was for Mattie. Of course I had the added bonus of seeing the adventure through Mattie's eyes. When Mattie saw these large slides at fall festivals, he was a bit nervous and cautious. But with Peter's help, he was willing to try it. It was love at first slide! This is also the Peter I will always remember, a man who was devoted to me and his son. 

Quote of the day: How strange is it, that after all that, we are strangers again? ~ Lang Leav

For the last two months, my dad hasn't had his physical therapy sessions on Saturday. Either my dad was sick, needed surgery, was recovering from surgery, or his therapists were on travel or managing family issues. But last night one of this therapist's text messaged me and said she could come over today. I thought about it and then responded that she should come. I am very worried about my dad's lack of energy, strength, and decreased appetite. I happen to love this particular therapist. I met her at the hospital in 2022, after my dad had his pacemaker surgery. I clicked with this woman right away, and I always say.... she is a younger version of me. We have a similar personality style, energy, and love and patience for people. I liked her so much, that once my dad finished therapy in 2022, I signed my mom up to work with her. My mom worked with her at the hospital for 10 months! So this therapist has been a part of our lives for two years now. She is a rare gem. 

Today when Cassidy (the therapist) came over, she brought homemade cookies from the Farmer's Market. She and I both love sugar. It was truly a kind and thoughtful gift. Aren't these the cutest fall themed cookies. We debated on the brown fellow. I saw squirrel, my dad and mom said a bear!  

While Cassidy was working with my dad, I sat down to try to figure out how to pay six big bills. This is on top of my usual bills, and my mom's. I am learning about our mortgage and escrow, and the fact that the escrow amount can change year to year due to taxes and home owner insurance. Our mortgage company was kind enough to explain this to me today. 

After my dad's session, I spoke to Cassidy for a bit. She is very giving of her time and we all chit chatted about all sorts of things. So the irony is I wasn't sure I wanted her to visit today, but having her presence in the house perked me up. 

Later this afternoon, after doing a ton of laundry, I took my parents out for lunch. My dad loves going out to eat. I limit these outings these days for various reasons. But what is equally depressing is his change in appetite. He used to love food and eating, now he eats a few bits of things, pushes the plate away and says he is "FULL." I don't like wasting food, money, and also feel great stress eating with him, because once he is done, he wants us to speed up our eating process. So I never eat in peace, and of course there are many runs to the bathroom with him!

When I got home, I unpacked several Foundation Item Drive boxes, processed the mail, fed Indie, folded laundry, got my parents settled, and then I went outside to pick up sticks and continue pulling vines and debris away from our fence line. It was a glorious weather day, and when the sun is out, I try to get outside to manage my anxiety and to take a mental pause from my daily heartache.  

Look who was outside with me this evening... Mattie Moon!

Friday, October 11, 2024

Friday, October 11, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2003. Mattie was a year and a half old and this was technically his second Halloween. But it was the first one that we actually took him out to go trick of treating. At that time, Peter's brother was living in Washington, DC. We went to their neighborhood so Mattie could go house to house with his cousins. Fortunately we brought Mattie's stroller with us, because after a few houses, Mattie had it! He was creeped out by the Halloween decorations, and he wasn't motivated by candy! In fact, Mattie did not like most sweets. This was the one thing we DIDN'T have in common. What I do know was Mattie made the cutest pumpkin!!!

Quote of the day: I went inside my heart to see how it was. Something there makes me hear the whole world weeping. ~  Rumi

I woke up at 5:30am in order to get myself ready, breakfast made, the first floor cleaned up, and then my dad showered, dressed and downstairs. I had a heating technician scheduled to come over at 8am. It takes a lot of planning for me to make an 8am appointment work. Our second floor has been freezing and I have been concerned that my parents will get sick from the cold. 

Everything on my end was working timing wise. Of course the technician's schedule was altered and he did not get to me until 12:30pm. There wasn't anything I could do about this, because I needed this problem addressed. I was truly a nervous wreck about his visit, because I know all the furnaces in our house are old. I replaced one this year, and am paying for it for the next 18 months. I most definitely do not want to finance a second one right now. When the tech came, I knew him! He was the same fellow who serviced our furnaces a month ago. I try to do regular maintenance of these things, because I am trying to prolong the lives of the furnaces. I made it very clear to Mason that I am NOT paying for another furnace. Therefore, we have to triage this thing! Any case, after he went to the attic, walked around a bit, I actually heard the fan of the furnace turn on! That was a good sign. When he back came downstairs, he told me that when he did the furnace check up and cleaning a month ago, he shut off the gas valve, and forgot to turn it back into the "on" position! That was the BEST news yet! In fact, when my mom and I heard this, we landed up hugging each other. It was like winning the lottery, as I was bracing for the worst. 

I spoke to the technician again about our range and refrigerator in the kitchen. As they are both having issues! They told me they are ordering parts for both appliances and I am hoping that the issues are on the easier end of the problem trajectory. They too have prepared me for the worst as well. NOT what I want to hear.  

While home waiting for the technician, I did about another hour of continuing education. I learned about the concept, "Radical Acceptance." Radical acceptance is not approval of the situation. Instead, it is acknowledging that the situation occurred, but cannot be changed. It is living with this reality. I certainly know all about this with Mattie's death. I can't change that Mattie died, nor could I change the process of grieving, but instead with time, I had to find a way forward to live with this heartbreaking loss. The presenter talked about the role of faith. Faith that this is not the last time I will feel a painful emotion and also faith that this painful emotion will pass. Not dissolve, not get erased, but it will evolve in intensity with time. All very interesting and of course as I go through this course, I try to apply these skills to my own heartbreak now. 

It was a day of many surprises. The surprise that I don't need a new furnace, a surprise that I figured out how to cash a treasury bond at the bank, a surprise that I got to meet with a banker and ordered new checks for my parents on the spot, a surprise that I could have tea with my mom and for a minute not feel like I was going to jump out of my skin, a surprise that I figured out how to turn the septic system over to the other side using a long key, and then by my front door today, I found this beautiful surprise from my friend, Carolyn! Carolyn is an integral part of team Mattie and now team Vicki and knows my love of sunflowers and their symbolism to me! To me there is nothing like fresh flowers. 

When Mattie was enduring his cancer diagnosis, Team Mattie would give me sunflowers any time we were home from the hospital. Dealing with the impossible and deeply scared about Mattie's diagnosis and horrific treatment process, seeing these sunflowers reminded me back then that I was not alone. This was the same feeling and sentiment Carolyn wanted to remind me of today. 

Thursday, October 10, 2024

Thursday, October 10, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2003. Mattie was a year and a half old. At this particular fall festival, they had a petting zoo. Look at Mattie's face! To me it was priceless, as he wasn't sure what to make out of this pig. He was observing, but not comfortable enough to touch it. What I do know is that I loved exploring the world with Mattie and through his eyes. 

Quote of the day: When we have no reason to be happy, we often think that it is the end of ourselves. We often think we have no one in this world. It happens when our loved ones leave us and make us alone in this vast universe. ~ Debolina

It was another winner of a day.  I have arranged for someone to come over tomorrow to look at our furnace and thermostat, as I am having trouble with heat getting to the second floor. Every time, I deal with the heating and cooling professionals, my heart is in my mouth, because it usually means a costly repair. As for the freezer and range issues, I spoke to our Thermador repair fellow and he is ordering a part, in hopes it easily corrects the problem. Nothing is typically easy for me, but I know I have to be on top of these home repairs, otherwise, if I push it down the road, only more things will arise and pile up on each other. This house is a full time endeavor of trouble and heartache. 

This evening, I went for my weekly therapy session. In about a month, I will have been working with this therapist for a almost a year. Do I find it helpful? NO! No fault of the therapist, my situation is just horrific, and unfortunately most of you who read this blog do not know the full extent of the destruction I have been faced with and have been forced to deal with. With the emphasis on forced. None of us like when we have no control over certain decisions and when life choices are being made for us. 

When I got home from therapy, I was in the process of dealing with dinner, when my dad started moving toward the bathroom. He won't go to the bathroom unless I am home. He refuses to go with my mom. Make a long story short, it was a bathroom disaster, of four bouts of diarrhea. It was so awful, that he stressed me out so much that I started screaming. I can't even sit with a thought or feeling for one second, without dealing with bathroom issues. When I finally got my dad to the dinner table, he refused to eat. My dad said he wasn't hungry and became attitudinal. At which point, I got him up and back to his recliner. There was no reasoning with him, and frankly I did not have the energy to get him to eat. Tomorrow is another day of more of the same.... more intense caregiving, chores, tasks, cleaning, cooking, repair issues, bill paying, and heartache. I am stuck in a terrible Groundhog's day, with no hope of waking up to learn that what I have been living with is just a bad dream. 

Wednesday, October 9, 2024

Wednesday, October 9, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2003. Mattie was a year and a half old. In theory it was his second Halloween. He was only six months old for his first Halloween, therefore, he had no understanding for the holiday. That year, Mattie and I went to Target together and when I saw this pumpkin sweat suit, I thought he would like it, which he did. Mattie had sensitivities to fabrics, anything itchy, and definitely did not like anything constraining, which is typical for most costumes. So for Mattie's second Halloween, he was dressed up as a pumpkin! 

Quote of the day: Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart. ~ Washington Irving

Now that my dad's ureter stents have been removed, I thought things were improving for him. But unfortunately for me, they are not. With each trip to the bathroom, I am faced with him stopping up the toilet with massive amounts of toilet paper and urine all over the floor. This is NOT a once a day occurrence. It is every time he goes to the bathroom. When I tell you I am constantly cleaning, I am not kidding. All I can say is WHAT A LIFE. Somedays I wonder why I even get up in the morning. 

Given that it was in the 40s this morning, I decided I needed to turn on the heat, because the last thing I need is my parents getting ill. Naturally nothing is easy for me. I had trouble turning the heat on in the second floor. I kept at it, and I think I finally got it to work. On top of dealing with thermostat issues, the kitchen freezer is having issues and the range is making igniting sounds, when the gas is turned off. Truly this morning, I was ready to jump out of the window. I can't take all the stress, nor can I take the stress of juggling budgets and unexpected issues and repairs. I can spiral downhill very quicky these days for many reasons. My life is in shambles, as my future has been decimated and in many ways, my past 35 years I have had with Peter seem non-existent and are being erased. All of this is devastating. Then add onto this financial worries, managing a house, and caregiving around the clock, and I am living the perfect storm. 

I range from being anxious, to having great despair. At times, I see no way out of this nightmare and what I can't understand is how does my husband NOT care about me? How could he leave me like this? Better yet, after 35 years together, how can I be this forgettable? 

After dropping my dad off at his memory care center, I headed to the hospital for my annual mammogram. Now that I have been labeled high risk for breast cancer, I am juggling MRIs and mammograms yearly. Next month I am headed for genetic counseling. Again, I can't help but be reminded when in these situations, that I am facing all of these things without my husband. I lost my medical emergency contact and frankly I feel like a boat in the ocean without a motor, rudder, or compass. I maybe bobbing around in the water, but I have no destination, no direction, and I am without the hope of finding land or stability. 

The mammogram tech was officious. Nonetheless, I complied with her directions and moved along. Within hours, I received my results in the portal, and thankfully everything is fine. But I know how this works, and how fragile life is, as it can change on a dime. I saw this with Mattie's diagnosis and I see it now with my marriage. Just to make it perfectly clear, I take marriage very seriously and no matter how busy I am with my parents, I was willing to seek counseling with Peter. But it takes two to want to work on things, and I learned that I was the only one willing to do the work. The only one who thought our relationship mattered and was worth fighting for. For 35 years, I have devoted my life to my husband and with his leaving, he took away the best of me. A very sobering reality indeed. 

Tuesday, October 8, 2024

Tuesday, October 8, 2024 -- Mattie died 783 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2004. Mattie was two and half years old and we took him to a fall festival that weekend. In fact, fall festivals were our tradition. We went to many of them for at least three or four years. Mattie loved them. He loved all things pumpkin and as he got older, he loved the slides, activities, and hay wagon rides. As a kid, I never went to a fall festival. So when Mattie came around, I got to experience so many adventures with him and through his eyes.  

Quote of the day: I understand it, but I don’t like it. I wish we could all be together like before: best friends, not heartbroken strangers. ~ Amy Plum

For over a year, I have been dealing with a neighbor who has basically been trying to transform her entire house and property. Construction, debris, noise, and congestion! These are things I have gotten used to, which wasn't too hard, after all, as I lived in the city for over 20 years. But I expected a different sort of existence in the suburbs. So far, I would say it is over rated and there are aspects of the suburbs that I have come to dread, despise, and will never forget. I will leave it at that. Today's congestion was over the top! Can you see that my driveway was blocked??? Naturally I pitched a fit, but if I did not advocate for myself, do you think anyone else was going to? If you answered no, you earned yourself a GOLD star! 

I had high hopes of wanting to complete another hour of continuing education today for my license. In usual fashion here, the day spiraled out of control. First my mom's physical therapy came to do an evaluation of her. What I thought was going to be a 20 minute session turned out to be an hour. Ironically I learned a little more about this man's life. His wife was an artist, she loved to paint still life and landscapes, and she died of ovarian cancer. He says whenever he comes into our home, it reminds him of the home he shared with his wife. This man was married for 32 years, in love with his wife, and was her caregiver until the day she died. A rare breed. This is the type of man, I thought I was married to, so hearing this story, sent like an electric wave throughout my body, to the point, where I could feel my anxiety level rise. 

I showed my mom's therapist four of the paintings I bought from the local artist I love. The same artist working on the two pieces for our family room. In any case, he told me he had been admiring these pieces and they reminded him of the work his wife used to do. Though he has been a widow for a couple of years, he told me there is no way he would consider dating or marrying again. I absorbed what he said, and I told him I understood. I did not tell him about Mattie or Peter, but naturally his experiences resonate with me. 

After the therapist left, I went ten rounds with my mom's long term care insurer. This insurer is making me crazy. Each time I talk with them, they appear clueless about her policy and what the policy offers. It borders on an infuriating experience and trying to get a hold of her care coordinator, is like trying to swim through quicksand. 

On top of this, I learned about a crime report for our neighborhood and had to get information about this which lead me to calling the police and speaking to neighbors. So needless to say, my training class NEVER happened today. 

I also received a call about enrolling my dad into Medicare's Guide program. This is a program that is supposed to SUPPORT the family caregiver of an Alzheimer's patient. Sounds good in theory, until you dig deeper. The program entails training classes and perhaps a 24 hour support line. I literally LAUGHED at this person. I told him I have been juggling the impossible for three years now. I could give my own class on managing a person with Alzheimer's, I certainly don't need more training. I told him if Medicare actually wants to be of help, then they would provide more on the ground supports for family caregivers, supports that would actually enable us to get the respite that we need. You are going to love this.... part of the Guide program's benefit is they offer caregivers $2,500 a year for respite services! If you know anything about respite care, $2,500 is a complete joke! Any case, I gave this man a mouthful, told him the system is broken, and that Medicare only supports patients and their families who are in medical crisis. They aren't interested in preventive care, or care that would enable the patient with Alzheimer's to maintain independence within the community. If they were truly interested in helping the caregiver, then they would be talking directly to us about our needs and assessing what actual supports are required. Giving us access to standardized training, that may not be applicable to our loved one, is like putting a Band-Aid on a patient who is bleeding out. POINTLESS, but at least they can check the box!

I brought this beauty inside today. It is a portulaca. The flowers close up at night and open by day! 

Monday, October 7, 2024

Monday, October 7, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2003. Mattie was a year and half old and fully on! As you can see he desperately wanted to touch Patches, our calico cat. Patches had a healthy caution when it came to Mattie. She was a great cat, and understood from the moment we brought Mattie home from the hospital, that he was special. She never tried to scratch him and she never hissed at him. There was a reason I called her "Nurse Patches!" We tried putting Patches' cat perch up high, but as Mattie kept on growing, there was no place Patches could safely retreat. Given the season, notice the pumpkins. Mattie loved them and was attracted to their shape and color. Also notice the sippy cup of milk. That cup was like Mattie's security blanket. It went with us everywhere, regardless of the weather. 

Quote of the day: Never. We never lose our loved ones. They accompany us; they don’t disappear from our lives. We are merely in different rooms. ~ Paulo Coelho

Tonight's quote makes me pause. I guess because when I reflect on Mattie's loss, I never view him in a "different room." I guess this is because I know Mattie died and no matter how much I would like his presence in my life, it will not physically be possible. This is quite different when talking about an ambiguous grief like with Peter. This is a type of grief that occurs when a person experiences a loss that doesn't have a clear understanding or emotional closure. It can be a painful and confusing response to a loss that seems to have no end. Though Peter may have disappeared from my life for a  year, and it is his choice not to return, in my heart and head I have trouble accepting his reality. Mainly because my reality looks and feels so different. I can see our history before my eyes and I know what we have together and the indescribable things we survived. We have earned this closeness based on time, love, longevity, producing a beautiful son together, and mutual trauma. 

I sat down this morning and did about another hour of my Dialectic Behavior Therapy continuing education course. I find this therapeutic model fascinating and actually quite useful with regards to managing ambiguous loss. What I love about the model is it helps me understand that we can accept competing and different thoughts about something at the same time. Meaning it is not one thing or another. For example, it is possible for me to be in great pain and distraught over the loss of my marriage, while at the same time, miss and long for my husband and companion of 35 years. Accepting both thoughts and feelings enables me to remove the guilt I have about these competing notions. I think all of us have a reasonable/rational side and an emotional side. The key is somehow to use both parts of our brain to help regulate our thoughts, feelings and action. By finding our "wise mind," we are better able to balance thoughts and feelings to more effectively moderate our distress. 

Today's segment talked about a skill to manage distress. Distress tolerance skills are intended to help distract us and get us through difficult emotional situations one moment at a time. A way to remember this skill is with the acronym: ACCEPTS.

Activities

Focus attention on a task you need to get done. Rent movies; watch TV. Clean a room in your house. Find an event to go to. Play computer games. Go walking. Exercise. Surf the Internet. Write e-mails. Play sports. Go out for a meal or eat a favorite food. Call or go out with a friend. Listen to your iPod; download music. Build something. Spend time with your children. Play cards. Read magazines, books, comics. 

Contributions

Find volunteer work to do. Help a friend or family member. Surprise someone with something nice (a card, a favor, a hug). Give away things you don’t need. Call or send an instant message encouraging someone or just to say hello. Make something nice for someone else. Do something thoughtful.

Comparisons

Compare how you are feeling now to a time when you felt different. Think about people coping the same as you or less well than you. Compare yourself to those less fortunate. Watch reality shows about others’ troubles; read about disasters, others’ suffering.

Emotions

Read emotional books or stories, old letters. Watch emotional TV shows; go to emotional movies. Listen to emotional music. (Be sure the event creates different emotions.) Ideas: Scary movies, joke books, comedies, funny records, soothing music or music that fires you up, going to a store and reading funny greeting cards.

Pushing Away

Push the situation away by leaving it for a while. Leave the situation mentally. Build an imaginary wall between yourself and the situation. Block thoughts and images from your mind. Notice ruminating: Yell “No!” Refuse to think about the painful situations. Put the pain on a shelf. Box it up and put it away for a while. Deny the problem for the moment.

Thoughts

Count to 10; count colors in a painting or poster or out the window; count anything. Repeat words to a song in your mind. Work puzzles, crosswords, Sudoku. Watch TV or read.

Sensations

Squeeze a rubber ball very hard. Listen to very loud music. Hold ice in your hand or mouth. Go out in the rain or snow. Take a hot or cold shower.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I learned about the ACCEPTS model, my initial reaction is.... wow I do many of these things already! Such as:

Activities: Gardening, pulling weeds, walking in the backyard, chores, cleaning, and cooking.

Contributions: Caregiving and Mattie Miracle!

Comparison: the instructor of the training module explained that this portion of the model can be controversial! She was singing my tune, because I DO NOT find comparisons helpful what so ever. I don't like comparing myself to others and I most definitely get nothing at looking back and hearing people say.... look what you have survived already! In my mind, I am say, BIG DEAL! That isn't going to help me now. Not with the daily torture I am faced with. 

Emotions: for me it is TV, it is my only escape. It is an area that I am continuing to work on, because it is very hard for me to find more manageable emotions. 

Push Away: this is a skill I am adept at! No training needed here. I can definitely block things out and compartmentalize for chunks of time. It is most likely how I was able to survive Mattie's diagnosis and daily crises associated with living in a hospital. 

Thoughts: Engaging one's intellect! Wow I have had a year of intense learning, outside the box of my comfort zone. Everything from bill paying, managing a house and all its intricacies, and car repairs to name a few. 

Sensations: This maybe another area that doesn't come to me naturally. But here's a story the instructor mentioned today that got me focused. I have heard the benefits of ice from my friend and colleague, but honestly cold doesn't resonate with me. Yet after hearing this story, I may think twice about my friend's recommendation. 

So here's the story. The instructor of my training class, went to university class that she was taking. Her classroom was a large room. At the front of the class, the professor had a large bowl filled with water and ice cubes sitting on a table. The professor asked for a volunteer. So a guy raised his hand and the professor chose him. The professor began by taking the student's heart rate, blood pressure, and pulse ox. Once these numbers were captured at rest, he then asked this student to run around the entire auditorium five times. Once he did his five laps, the professor once again took his heart rate, blood pressure and pulse ox. As one would expect because of exercise, the student's heart rate and blood pressure were elevated. Now here's the kicker. He then had the student dunk his face into the large bowl of water and ice and instructed him to leave his face in the water for 10 secs. He had him do this three times (dunk, come up, dunk, come up, dunk, come up). After which, he then took the student's heart rate, blood pressure and pulse ox. Want to know what he found? The student's heart rate and blood pressure were LOWER than they were at REST! So now the question is why?

Have you heard of the diver response!? This in essence explains what happened to this student. When our body is exposed to cold, all blood goes to what matters... our heart and lungs. It short circuits the brain, making the only thing our body is focused on is survival, not feelings, worries, and stress. Fascinating, so with the next panic attack that I have, out will come the ice. I will let you know if it works! 

This weekend, I brought the butterfly ginger lily plant that I have inside. Peter and I bought this beauty in North Carolina in 2014. For ten years we have nurtured it together. I have been so busy caregiving, that I missed seeing it blooming this summer. Every time I went outside, I never saw a bloom. But to my surprise, I smelled this flower before I saw it. The whole house smells of gardenias. It is glorious. This butterfly bloom came out just for me, and I feel this is very symbolic. It is hard to believe how incredibly fragrant this ONE blossom is, but it is intoxicating. Actually now that I think about the "sensation" portion of the distress model above, I am using one of my five senses to experience my world, without being focused on distress for a minute at a time! 

Sunday, October 6, 2024

Sunday, October 6, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2003. Mattie was a year and half old and that day we took him to a Fall Festival. It was a wonderful Fall tradition that we did each year with Mattie. This was Mattie's close encounter with a sheep. Mattie loved animals, he naturally gravitated to them and yet was cautious and really did not need to be instructed not to poke, pull, or frighten these creatures.

Quote of the day: I loved her against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be. ~ Charles Dickens

I have been debating, do I decorate for Fall or forget about it. Given how I feel physically and emotionally, I would love to say the HECK with it! But I pushed through that feeling and went down to the basement and pulled out my fall things. Can you see this pumpkin plate under Mattie's Mr. Sun painting? This plate was given to me by Cheryl, our fabulous restaurant server who we see every Sunday. The little English cottages next to the plate belong to Peter's mom. Her relatives in England used to send them to her as gifts. Her collection is now in my own home. I used to admire them whenever I went to Boston, so it means a lot to me to continue the tradition. 

This is our living room. All the furniture belongs to my mom, who has beautiful taste. I always admired these pieces and now they are in my home. Do you see the table with the cloth over it? This piece was hand stitched and created by my paternal grandmother. So it is a family heirloom. 

The flower arrangement on the table is another gift Cheryl gave me, and I think it brings Fall to our living space. Before my mom left Los Angeles in 2021, her neighbor was having a yard sale. She bought this lovely reproduction painting of John Singer Sargent's, Carnation, Lily, Lily, Rose. I frankly did not know the name of this piece until Kim Richards, the local artist I am working with, came to our home. As soon as she saw it, she said.... I love your Carnation, Lily, Lily, Rose.

When I moved into this house, Peter and I worked hard to transform the space into a place we would all love. Keep in mind I never worked with an interior decorator. I chose colors and arranged the furniture and art work myself! It is ironic, the house is still here, but Peter isn't. It is a huge loss to my daily existence and future. One that I don't foresee ever getting over. 

In 2021, Peter's mom mailed us an inflatable pumpkin. This pumpkin sits in our front island each October. Again, I thought to myself..... should I inflate the pumpkin and stake it to the front island, or forget about it? As you can see I got it together today!

There are two areas in my kitchen that I love to decorate. This is one area!

This is the other! 

In the fall of 2021, before I moved my parents to Virginia, I went to Michael's, the craft store. I was so excited to have a craft store so close to my home. Unfortunately since that time, I have yet to be back. Life has thrown me so many curves, I do not know how I even cope. 

When I went to Michael's back then, I bought these flowers, the fall themed vase, and a fall harvest bough. I love these items. 

During that same trip to Michael's, I bought flowers, pine cones, gourds, and a Fall sign, and created this wreath with my handy glue gun! It is a wreath that I still love and I put it on our front door today.

After decorating, doing laundry and other tasks, we headed out to brunch. This is the one meal a week we go out for, and since it was a beautiful weather day, I was hoping we would have a good time. That hope was quickly crushed. My dad had a bout of diarrhea and I literally took him to the bathroom at the restaurant three times and completely changed him each time. When I tell you it is remarkable that I can eat and function after this, I am not joking. Because I am quite sure the average person would be disgusted. Thank goodness I travel with gloves, garbage bags, wipes, depends, and a change of clothing. 

Truthfully when I look at my life, I basically say... what a waste of a life. I have devoted my entire life to caring for one person after the other, and have very little to show for it. Other than exhaustion and heart break. There is no peace ever, and when I evaluate what I manage alone each day, I am surprised I am not in a puddle in the corner. I can't eat a meal (whether out or at home) in peace. My dad eats very fast, then pushes his plate away, is constantly blowing his nose at the table (with tissues everywhere), and then puts his head down and "relaxes" while the rest of us are eating. When he isn't eating or resting, he is jumping up to the bathroom. I haven't had a peaceful meal in this house since my parents moved here. 

Again, if caregiving and the fiasco associated with this was the only thing I was balancing, that would be one thing. But it is only one thing on a LONG list of other nightmares.