Saturday, October 5, 2024

Saturday, October 5, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2002. Mattie was six months old. A friend of mine gave me this door threshold jumper. When she first gave it to me, my reaction.... was NO WAY am I going to use this. However, we clipped it to the threshold of Mattie's bedroom door and it was a God sent. Mattie LOVED it. Mattie was all about being in control and motion. I used this jumper to sway Mattie to sleep at night and he loved jumping up and down. If there were two things that were a must in our household, they were this jumper and his "tot wheels!"

Quote of the day: The worst pain in the world goes beyond the physical. Even further beyond any other emotional pain one can feel. It is the betrayal of a friend. ~ Heather Brewer

This afternoon, after I took my parents out and they were settled, I went outside. Being in my backyard is my oasis from trauma and caregiving stresses. In the spring I bought these beautiful "Sunny" hibiscus plants at Lowe's. To be honest, I bought them because of their name. Since my Sunny died on January 10th of 2024, I felt these glorious plants would be a tribute to an amazing and loyal dog. As the weather is starting to turn cooler, I could do one of two things... let these plants die, or transplant them and bring them inside to winter. My hope is to be able to replant them back outside in the spring. I voted on trying to transplant them, which isn't a simple job as it involved a lot of carrying heavy pots around. 

A glorious bloom, no? It is so symbolic of my Sunny!

I transplanted them from my big clay pots to these plastic pots and then carried them inside. We shall see how they do! I used to bring a lot of plants inside when I lived in the city. When we moved to the suburbs, a lot is planted in the ground, so there is not need to play the moving flower pot game. But there is something special about having greenery around you as it gets darker and colder. 

Indie was fascinated with my butterfly ginger lily plant that I brought inside tonight. Peter and I bought this plant in 2014, when we went to the Outer Banks of North Carolina. It was a small plant, purchased at the Elizabethan Gardens. It has the most beautiful blooms, white and butterfly shaped. They are fragrant, and a mix between a gardenia and jasmine. If you should snap off the green fronds, it has a distinctive ginger fragrance. It is a plant I absolutely love and have nurtured over all these years. It goes outside in the spring and back inside in the fall!

Friday, October 4, 2024

Friday, October 4, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2002. Mattie was six months old. He wasn't quite sitting up independently, which was why I had pillows all around him. Mattie was sitting on the couch with me and I had some of his favorite toys with us. Mattie was a BIG fan of his stackable plastic cups, but what I absolutely love was the expression Mattie gave me as I snapped this photo. 

Quote of the day: Sometimes you have to deprive someone of the pleasure of being with you so that they can realize how much they need you in their lives. ~ Osayi Osar-Emokpae

I love tonight's quote. I have seen in numerous times before, but never put it on the blog. The problem with all of this is I believe in the sentiments of this quote but what I find earth shattering is I have been separated from Peter for a year, and yet I am not missed. It is as if I don't matter and our life together has been erased. This is beyond painful and indescribable. 

This week I have been dealing with intense feelings of anxiety again, in which I can feel panic attacks coming on. After Mattie died, I suffered from constant panic attacks and at first I thought it was my heart. But I consulted with a cardiologist, under went testing, and wore a heart monitor for days, and it was concluded it wasn't my heart. It took me a long time to work through these issues and how I coped back then was I walked for MILES, try like ten a day. It helped get out the tension and stress that was coursing through my whole body. But now with my parents in tow, I live a very confined life. So walking miles isn't likely to happen. 

Thankfully today was a beautiful day, and I spent an hour outside pulling out weeds and vines. Fortunately my yard never disappoints and there is always constant things to do and attend to! As it is Friday, now begins another weekend. When Mattie died, I began to HATE weekends. There was less structure and more isolation. While Mattie's friends and their parents were involved in school and community related activities, we were child less and waffling to find our way in the world. I once again am faced with similar feelings. Weekends are very hard and what they remind me is I am definitely different. 

Trying to adjust to life without my husband is hard enough, but add caregiving to the mix, and there are times I truly want to scream. Each day with my parents is basically a lot like the day before. I am so tired of caregiving activities, cooking, cleaning, and shuttling people around. Sometimes a person just wants to have NO structure. To have space and time to one's self and to not have to worry about meeting another people's needs. I haven't had such a day like this in over three years. It is wearing and doing this without Peter is basically a special kind of torture. 

Thursday, October 3, 2024

Thursday, October 3, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2003. I remember snapping this photo because I just loved Mattie's ability to multi-task. Most people when multi-tasking are not truly focused on any one thing. But with Mattie, he actually was able to open cabinets, take out video tapes, stack and play with them, while also listening and absorbing the video on the TV. Trust me, I know this because I would ask Mattie questions about what was on the screen! He always was able to respond to me and was accurate most of the time. 

Quote of the day: I feel I’ve lost every part of me…there’s nothing left but the parts I’ve given to you. I need you to hold those pieces together. Please don’t forget who I was…then…then there really will be nothing left. ~ Cassandra Giovanni

Last night I was alerted about movement on our driveway. When I went to look at what was going on..... look what I saw! A whole family of four headed to chomp on the bushes. If only Mattie could have seen this sight, he would have been besides himself. 

Last night, several photos and videos popped on my phone. Many times I ignore these reminders, but last night I decided to check out the alerts. One of the photos was this.... a photo of my mom from 2020. It is hard to believe this photo was taken only four years ago. Now four years later, my mom's posture is hunched over, her eyes don't look this alert and bright, and she was in much better shape. Because my mom lives with me, I am adjusting to her gradual changes, but seeing this photo was shocking for me. My mom has Parkinson's disease (though she will not accept that diagnosis) and I think between disease progression and living with the constant heartbreak in my life have taken a massive toll on her. 

After my usual morning routine, I had an appointment to meet a banker. In 2002, we opened an safety deposit box. However, we haven't accessed this box in over ten years and I saw no reason to continue paying for something I am not using. I have to admit any time I have to deal with financial issues and technology, I get stressed out. Why? Well maybe part of it is I don't gravitate to these things, but another factor is I have been conditioned by my parents and Peter, that I shouldn't worry about these things. That they should manage this for me and I can worry about other things. But here's the thing, since Peter left me, I had to focus, learn, and rise to the occasion to run an entire household alone. Guess what? Everyone under estimated me! I can actually be part of the solution, I can keep track of budgets and be very fiscally responsible. It is ironic, because now my parents tell me..... they made a big mistake. They should have included me in financial dialogues and that I am more than capable. I guess the question is why did it take a crisis to show people what I can do? I have no answers! I can only keep plugging along because I have NO OTHER CHOICE. 

Wednesday, October 2, 2024

Wednesday, October 2, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2002. Mattie was six months old and he received a pumpkin placemat in the mail from Peter's mom. We gave it to Mattie and you can see his fascination with the color and texture. With Mattie, I am not sure if he learned more from me, or vice versa. What I do know is that life was never boring with him. 

Quote of the day: Losing him was like having a hole shot straight through me, a painful, constant reminder, an absence I could never fill. ~ Jojo Moyes

This morning, after I dropped my dad off at his memory care center, I went to the post office, as I had several Foundation items to mail. When I got there, I needed some help determining how to mail a particular item. The mail clerk was clearly in pain and she began telling me about her root canal that she had yesterday. Having had three root canals during 2020, I recall the process distinctly as well as the pain. She was a delightful person and I appreciated her kindness, especially when she herself was having a bad day. It is amazing how one positive human connection can lighten a difficult moment. 

Today I received many gifts. My friend and colleague wrote to me and she basically said....that she hopes I can make it through the day, week, month, and year. She said that I am the bravest, smartest, resilient, toughest person she knows. 

What her comment showed me was she is aware of the deep pain I am in, even though we are geographically no where near each other and we haven't had a live conversation. But she knows me, she knows my devotion to Peter and Mattie, and therefore she connected the dots. 

The second surprise came in an email. Someone I attended fifth grade with found my email address and wanted to connect with me. AFTER ALL THESE YEARS. She says she never forgot me or my friendship. Very touching. Before Peter left me, I would have immediately responded to this message. Now, I proceed with caution, because I am unsure of people's intentions. 

My mom and I met up with a friend today and she gave me these beautiful orange Gerber daisies. I love these flowers, because to me they look like happy faces. All of these communications today were a reminder of how people experience me, and though it doesn't change the nightmare I am living, I appreciate the thoughtfulness and kindness. 

Tuesday, October 1, 2024

Tuesday, October 1, 2024 -- Mattie died 782 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2002. Mattie was six months old and I think his expression was priceless! In many ways, I see myself in this reaction! Mattie was NOT a fan of his stroller. Or any stroller for that matter. Literally we had about three different strollers, in hopes that one of them would work for him. Overall, Mattie disliked being confined in any way. Therefore, this was NOT his ideal mode of transportation. As Mattie's neck muscles got stronger, we eventually migrated him to a backpack. He loved riding high up in the air, with his feet dangling! 

Quote of the day: Only time can heal your broken heart. Just as only time can heal his broken arms and legs. ~ Miss Piggy

When my dad had his first stents placed in his ureters in the beginning of August, I began dealing with non-stop urine all over the bathroom floors. Every time he has used the bathroom over the last two months, I needed to get out Clorox and do a big clean up job. It has been extremely wearing on me, on top of managing his daily needs and care, dealing with his irritable bowel syndrome, and everything else that I juggle at home. I truly am worn out from his overwhelming bathroom needs, but what I am hoping is now that his last ureter stent was removed today, that this flood of urine on the floors will stop. We shall see. 

Dementia is a very challenging disease to manage. My dad needs constant supervision. Without it, he will throw a WHOLE roll of toilet paper in the toilet and flush it, or use an entire pump of liquid soap when washing him hands at the sink. Trust me on both of these issues, as I have had to deal with stopped up toilets and so much soap in the sink that it looked like a bubble bath. 

My patience is severely diminished and of course Peter leaving me is never far from the top of my mind. You would think I have gotten used to this feeling, after all it has been 12 months. But frankly when you meet someone at the tender age of 19, grow up together, and survive many highs and lows together, this person becomes a part of you. I still identify myself as a married woman, and the notion of not being married evokes anxiety. I hate managing everything on my own. I hate facing every aspect of my life alone, and I hate thinking about my future without my husband. Some people do single well, I am not one of them. Yet I have no desire to ever be in a relationship again. First of which is if this type of hurt could happen to me with someone I have known all my life, then there is NO possible way I will allow another person in to do such damage to me again. I will always think that there is an agenda under the surface. It is a sad way to look at life and the world, but we are the products of our experiences. 

What I am abundantly aware of however, is not everyone can understand my profound sadness. Not everyone can get why I am longing for the person who has been part of my life for 35 years. In fact, just like with Mattie's diagnosis and then death, I lost a lot of friends. I most likely will lose another segment of friends over this issue as well. Mainly because I can't tolerate platitudes, well wishes, and other trite sentiments. My heart is broken and either you are going to be able to understand this and sit in it with me and try to imagine this happening in your own life, or you are not, and that's okay. Absorbing someone else's pain isn't easy and not everyone is cut out for this challenge. 

But what I am aware of is the simple fact that I CAN'T believe this is happening to me. It is like I am stuck in a bad TV movie and can't wake up. Everything I understood about my life, my marriage, and our time together is now all up in the air. It is a very unsettling, disorienting, and anxiety provoking feeling. The one person who I thought loved me the most in the world, who I thought respected and valued me the most, wants nothing to do with me now. It is a terrible reality, and reality that MAKES NO SENSE. After all, I pride myself on being a very good judge of character and assess people quite accurately. So how could I be this wrong?  

When I took my dad to the doctor's office today to get his stent removed, I left my mom in the waiting room and went back with my dad. As this procedure would not be up my mom's alley! On my own, I had to get my dad up on the exam table and undressed. Once I got my dad positioned, they offered me the opportunity to leave the room, and I said no. I observed the ureteral stent removal and it only took a few minutes. I watched the whole process:

• A local anesthetic gel was inserted into the urethra. 
• A thin, lighted tube called a cystoscope was inserted into the urethra and bladder. 
• Tiny clamps attached to the cystoscope grab the stent. 
• The stent was gently removed.

They gave my dad cipro in the office to prevent infection and hopefully he is now fully on the road to recovery, at least with kidney stones. I literally have been at this with him since August 4th:

• August 4 -- emergency stent placements, as my dad was running an 101 fever and both ureters were completely blocked preventing urine from reaching the bladder
• August 21 -- his first ureteroscopy, cystoscopy and lithotripsy to blast out stones in the right and left kidneys and ureters, with two new stent placements in the hospital
• September 24 -- his second ureteroscopy, cystoscopy, and lithotripsy procedure at the hospital with a new stent placement in the left ureter
• October 1 -- removal of his last stent!

Monday, September 30, 2024

Monday, September 30, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2002. Mattie was six months old. I worked very hard to try to calm Mattie down at night, so that he would fall asleep. But sleep was NOT Mattie's friend. He rarely napped and did not want to sleep for more than an hour or two at a time. Needless to say, we were strung out with exhaustion. Mattie's pediatrician once said to me.... do you plan on teaching Mattie how to brush his teeth? Of course the answer was YES. So he said, you also need to teach him to self sooth and to fall asleep on his own. He then recommended the Ferber method. I bought the book, read it, and though I was hesitant, we tried it. I can safely say the method works like a charm and it isn't a mean method, but a method that provides comfort and support, but in intervals. Brilliant! 

Quote of the day: It is a dull sensation, your heart breaking, like the sound of a pebble dropping on the sand. Not a shattering, not a tearing apart, there is nothing shrill or grandiose about the sensation. It is merely an internal realization that something treasured you never knew you had is leaving forever. ~ Samantha Bruce-Benjamin

If you have been reading the blog, then you know on Saturday, a pair of garden shears fell on my foot while I was outside in the garden. I contacted my doctor and she feels like I did a great job managing my foot and tells me to stay the course. I would say the pain is subsiding, but my foot is all sorts of colors and the gash is slowly sealing up. I wish my foot was the only pain I am experiencing. It pales in comparison to how I am feeling emotionally. I will leave it at that for now. 

When I look at tonight's photo of Mattie, I think about the excitement we had at picking out Mattie's crib and then his bedding. I went with the cute yellow duckie theme. Kind of symbolic in a way, because as Mattie got older, he was fascinated by and loved ducks. 

I took my mom into the city today to get her hair done. The salon is right near our townhouse in Washington, DC. I naturally can't go to this salon without reflecting on my former life. I literally looked up at my balcony windows today and a pain of heartbreak came over me. You know that feeling you can get.... with a pit in your stomach and your breath being taken away?! Well that is how I felt. Our townhouse balcony no longer has adorable flower boxes (see that photo!) and I could see from the outside that the charm I once placed into that space is gone. This complex and our townhouse will always be my home in my heart. It was where I lived my married life and where I brought Mattie home from the hospital and raised him. These years can not be erased from my mind, and I only wish Mattie were still alive, because I really think with his presence I would have been able to survive this next chapter of my life. 

Sunday, September 29, 2024

Sunday, September 29, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2004. This was Mattie and his preschool class. Mattie lasted at this particular school for two months and then he was asked to leave. That should tell you volumes about that school! 

Mattie was two and a half years old and we went to a pumpkin patch that day. Naturally I was not going to let Mattie go on this trip without my presence, as I knew the school director had it out for Mattie. The only reason I think she kept him for two months was because every time she called me into school to complain about Mattie, I would basically listen to her and be a therapeutic sounding board. However, one day Mattie bit a teacher and a student, and when the director called me into the school, she asked for my permission to put soap in Mattie's mouth. It was at that point that I gave her a lecture about corporal punishment being ineffective in child rearing and that it was also illegal in Washington, DC. Naturally all of that was the final straw. 

Quote of the day: Love is never supposed to hurt. Love is supposed to heal, to be your haven from misery, to make living worthwhile. ~ Mia Asher

In 2023, I had the wonderful opportunity to get to know a local artist. I met her through the Vale Arts Show, which is an annual event. I absolutely love Kim Richards' work. I have four smaller paintings of hers and then the notion came to me..... maybe she could help us create some special pieces for our family room. Our room has a huge cathedral ceiling and since we moved in the wall has been blank. Mainly because none of us could agree on what should be hung on that very big wall. When I consulted with Peter and my parents about capturing the house in oil painting, they loved the notion. So for months I began working on this project with Kim. She came to our home, did many water color sketches, that you see here, and we talked about colors and content. In the summer of 2023, we paid Kim a down payment to start the work. Never guessing in a million years that Peter was going to walk out on me in September.

In September of 2023, I wrote to Kim and told her that I was having a family crisis and couldn't possibly continue on this project. My hope, I told her, was that when things stabilized we would pick up where we left off. Unfortunately my life hasn't stabilized, but only gotten worse. Two days ago, Kim wrote to me to check in on me. It was at that point that my next bright idea came to me. I asked her whether she would take the down payment we gave her and complete two out of the four paintings. I figured since we paid for them already, we might as well have the beautiful product. So out of the four paintings that I originally commissioned for her to work on, I have decided on the two below.  

This is a watercolor of the backyard that Kim worked on in the summer of 2023. I remember the day she came to do this. Peter was in the backyard, our neighbor was visiting with her children, and Sunny was prancing about. It seemed like such a normal and happy day. Kim will be creating this scene with oil, and I have told her the colors I wish her to highlight. 

I fell in love with this house in 2021, and even though my life is in shambles, I feel that capturing the beauty of the property will never go out of date. 

The second painting features my Sunny in the front of the house. How Sunny loved his yard and exploring every inch of the property. I am thrilled Kim met Sunny and has lots of photos of him! This seems like a meaningful tribute to my boy. As I told Kim, I am so happy she wrote to me this week, because having these special and unique impressionist pieces in my home will be something I will always cherish.