Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2009. Mattie was in the midst of a physical therapy session. The session was taking place right in the middle of the pediatric intensive care hallways. That day, Anna (Mattie's PT) introduced him to a rear facing walker! We had tried Mattie on a regular front facing walker, and he was frightened as he thought he was going to fall backward. The fact that the rear facing walker provided support to his back, he psychologically felt more safe. This was a big deal that Mattie was taking a few steps that day! We all felt victorious! But you can see Mattie's wheelchair was right behind him, because being on chemotherapy, he did not have the endurance to walk. In fact, after Mattie's limb salvaging surgeries, he never walked independently again.
Quote of the day: If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward. ~ Martin Luther King Jr.
The past couple of years, I have experienced one loss after the other. In December of 2023, my primary care physician, retired. I have been her patient since I was in my late twenties. Therefore, we have been on a long journey together. She is my age and decided to retire early in order to move and live closer to good friends. She never married and doesn't have children, so she is very cognizant of her future, with the understanding that we NEED MORE support as we age, not less. Nonetheless, I view her retirement as a big change for me, because this was someone who knew my medical history and could speak confidently about it. I do not like losing people who are solid memory keepers for me. I will never forget when Mattie was a preschooler, I took him to one of my medical appointments. When he saw my doctor, his immediate comment was.... she's pretty! Keep in mind that he was comparing her to his pediatrician, who was a seasoned professional. Any case, when Mattie died, I shared that cute story with my doctor. We both reflected on that innocent moment together and smiled!
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When I think about all my losses and I can't help but reflect on the list of what I have endured just since 2021. They include:
- Moving from Washington, DC to Virginia (this entailed saying good-bye to Mattie's home, and packing up and donating many of Mattie's things)
- Renovating our house, which was stressful, because months later I moved my parents in
- Moving my parents from Los Angeles to Virginia, which entailed packing up their house, making donations, and getting them across the country by myself
- Caregiving full time for both of my parents
- Managing multiple hospitalizations for my dad
- Sunny dying
- Getting divorced
- My doctor retiring
- My hairdresser retiring
Maybe this doesn't sound like a lot, but to me it is truly overwhelming. Today, I took my mom to Washington, DC, as we were both getting our hair cut. Though my stylist retired, I still go to the same salon, as I have known the owner for decades. I am not a person who likes getting her hair cut. Therefore, I rarely do it. Try once or twice a year at the most. Today, my new stylist had a chat with me. She has encouraged me to take better care of myself, and wants me to get my hair cut every four months to try to restore all the damage I have done to my hair because of lack of maintenance. I acknowledged what she said, and let that sink in. Truthfully I am so focused on caring for everyone else, that my needs typically do not make the list. Then given how I am feeling, my natural reaction is.... who really cares what I look like?
While at the salon, I also got a manicure and pedicure. At times, I can feel a panic attack coming on when sitting still, because I am anxious about everything these days. But the manicurist, is the sister of my former hairstylist. Yes, I have known all these women for years! In any case, she was talking to me about her outlook on life. She was saying to me that we are all put on this earth for a mission. We all serve an important role and purpose. She has had a hard life, but her example to me was she was supposed to struggle so that she could be in her professional position now, which has enabled her and I to be connected with one another. Through our connection we help and support each other. Meaning, her struggles were stepping stones to where she is today, and she uses those struggles to talk and help other women in her life. I am not doing justice to her words, but truthfully she made me pause.
She told me that there are so many things we can't control. Like the weather for example. Therefore, if she knows it will rain, she brings an umbrella, if it will be cold, she wears a coat.... well you get the picture. The moral of the story is there are many things in life that we can't control for or mitigate. But how we deal with them, react to them, and learn from them, are the keys to survival. Who knew going to get one's hair and nails done could possibly be a lesson to manage an existential crisis!?
2 comments:
I wonder if you perhaps don’t see it—it’s so hard to see the tiny changes we make every day and how they add up to a new perspective. But, as a reader, I see a shift in you these days . I think you are strong and brave and I bet you’d like to throw up your hands and quit, probably daily :), and you haven’t—but more than that, of late your tone is different. It feels like you are moving forward (not ON—not forgetting) but into yourself as you are now. Ahh it’s hard to really express in writing but I hope you get the sense of what I mean. I know you have said you feel hopeless about your future and that’s okay—I know I would feel intense despair in your shoes too. But I hope you won’t mind my believing in you and cheering you and having faith that your life will be good again.
I’ve been reading personally about how we grow by continually reinventing ourselves and coming to terms with what IS in our lives and I remember your saying you don’t want to!! :) And here you are, doing it anyway. All the best to you. Please know, even when you are feeling alone, we’re out here rooting for you.
Thank you for reading, for cheering me on, and commenting on my strength to try to find a way forward. I assure you I still am struggling on every level. But since I have two 89 year olds who need my support, I must carry on. They were great parents and therefore, their love and support throughout all these years merits my compassionate care. Thanks for seeing my resilience when I don't, and for also seeing that I am trying to ONCE again figure out WHO IS VICKI!??? I appreciate all good wishes, reflections, and THANK YOU for rooting for me. It makes a BIG difference to me!
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