Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2009. I will never forget this day. Mattie completed a long bone scan assessment. To prep for a bone scan, Mattie wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything for 12 hours. His bone scans would last for about two hours. Sitting still for this scan was not easy for Mattie, especially since the machines were daunting (both because of sound and claustrophobia). That day, Mattie's incentive for completing the scan, was to go to a restaurant on the hospital campus with his psychosocial care team and have shrimp! The restaurant had a hibachi table, and Mattie loved watching the chef cook and toss shrimp up in the air. You may not be able to tell from this photo, but Mattie was actually smiling, laughing and hobbling around the hibachi table in excitement!
Quote of the day: Don’t assume I’m weak because I have panic attacks. You’ll never know the amount of strength it takes to face the world every day. ~ Unknown
I has been another winner of a day! It is beyond exhausting being the point person for everything in my household. I manage so much stress on my own. Sundays should be a peaceful day, and I convinced myself that I was NOT going to do any computer work today, in hopes of experiencing less anxiety and stress. Forget it, it just isn't possible in my house.
Every Sunday, I take my parents to brunch. We did not go last weekend because of snow, so today I was looking forward to not cooking. Before I leave the house, I always make sure that my dad uses the bathroom. However, ten minutes into driving to the restaurant (which is about thirty minutes away), I could hear my dad deep breathing and his head bobbing up and down! I know exactly what that means. It means he has to go to the bathroom ASAP. Truthfully, when he gets like this it is so stressful that I have to determine.... do I turn the car around and go home, or can I make it to the restaurant? I decided to continue driving. As soon as I got to the restaurant, I literally parked by the front door, put the blinkers on, helped my parents out of the car, and went straight in with my dad to the bathroom. By the time I got him there, he needed to be completely changed. During moments like this, I ask myself, what on earth have I done to have a life that has been completely decimated?
After I cleaned him up and sat him at the table with my mom, I went to park the car. I have gotten to know many people at this restaurant from servers to managers. Literally managers come over, pull up a chair and chat with us. I know about their lives, their families, and I even know many of the hosts. Learning about people's lives and connecting with others, is still important to me. For brief moments, it makes me feel more normal.
When I got home, I dealt with chores such as folding laundry and putting away dishes in the dishwasher. When I sat down to return email and write tonight's blog, I couldn't connect to the internet on my laptop! Literally there wasn't a WIFI connection and I couldn't seem to troubleshoot the problem. I restarted the laptop numerous times, I restarted the router, and nothing worked. When I tell you that it took my an hour to work through this problem I am NOT kidding. Technology issues make me panic and I am SO SICK of having no one at home to help me. To chat with, to listen to me, to offer a hand, to care about me! Any case, I took a deep breath and decided to unplug the laptop from the wall. I left it unplugged for five minutes and then reconnected everything! Thankfully at that point, the WIFI connection was re-engaged. But when I say my heart is still racing and my blood pressure has risen, I am not kidding.
My life is this computer! On it I have access to all my documents, photos, and Foundation work! My commitment to myself is to get an account with Geek Squad, because I have to be able to have access to help when I need it. Moments like this remind me..... I wish Mattie were alive. Actually I always wish Mattie were a part of my life. But moments like these which make me panic, I wish more than ever that I could text or call Mattie. Mattie had a natural ability for understanding how things worked, I know if I needed help he would coach me through these technology issues. Any case, I channeled my inner Mattie tonight! I wasn't giving up, and was determined to reconnect the WIFI!
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