Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2009. I snapped this photo because to me, Mattie was the ultimate multi-tasker. He was eating a donut, while playing with this cars and toys. There were actually several big pots on the floor filled with water, as Mattie loved water play. Truly he was a remarkable fellow, because despite how sick he was, he was still smiling! So much can be learned from Mattie.
Quote of the day: She stood in the storm, & and when the wind did not blow her away, she adjusted her sails. ~ Elizabeth Edwards
I sometimes lose faith and wonder, does God love me? Or why am I being challenged over and over again? There are no answers, but as one of my dear friends reminds me, God is always with me and the reason I haven't crashed and burned, is because he IS watching over me. When she tells me this, it always makes me pause, to absorb what she's saying, and to consider that this maybe a possibility.
Today was another difficult day. On top of all the other issues I balance, my dad has irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). Typically I deal with non-stop bowel movements, but today, I was faced with his constipation. Truly the combination of IBS and dementia is diabolical, because my dad gets fixated on an issue and it becomes so overwhelming to manage. I tried getting him to drink more fluid and to walk, in hopes that he would go to the bathroom, but the only thing that accomplished was more emotional agitation and his non-stop moaning. When I tell you moaning, I am not kidding. Of course, between myself and Mattie, I have faced just about every medical crisis.
When Mattie used to get sick, prior to his cancer diagnosis, I had to give him Tylenol suppositories, because he refused oral medication. Therefore, I became an expert in administering suppositories. Fortunately for me, because today I administered a Dulcolax suppository to my dad. This is not a first for me with my dad. I have given him suppositories and an enema in the past. Perhaps I missed my calling and should have been a nurse! Nonetheless, I am like a walking pharmacy, and keep all sorts of things on hand. Thankfully, because without this intervention today, I am quite certain I would have had to take my dad to the hospital, like I did in 2020, when he developed an impacted colon.
Each day provides a different sort of crisis to manage. It isn't just managing the constipation, but it is managing the emotions, fear, pain, and anxiety that comes with it, from both my dad and my mom. Literally by 2pm today, I was frazzled. But of course I had the rest of the day to navigate.
At one point in the day, it was actually warm. I went outside, picked up sticks and branches and replaced burnt out light bulbs in our landscape fixtures. Then I was able to complete the Foundation's newsletter and put together documentation for taxes. Whenever I can accomplish something, it is a celebration.
There are times I wonder, will I have the strength to face another day? This is not a feeling that is new to me. As I endured the impossible before when Mattie was diagnosed with cancer, but now I am older and have less support. It is a hard existence and the problem with this is I see no hope for a future. The future I envisioned is gone and course correcting now feels like a herculean task. The best I can do is take it one day and crisis at a time.
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