Monday, November 10, 2025

Monday, November 10, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2002. Mattie was seven months old! A friend of mine sent us this big entertainment saucer. When I first saw the size of it, I thought to myself.... no way! This is going to take up half of our living room! But this is how it goes when you have  children.... their things take over and some how you get used to it, because their needs are number one! I grew to LOVE this saucer, because it was one of the few things Mattie liked to do independently. Which gave me a hands free moment. Take a gander, who do you think Mattie was looking up at?! That's right, it was ME! Right from the beginning we were inseparable!  

Quote of the day: There comes a time in your life, when you are left with too many yesterdays and very less tomorrows. When you can look back and relive all the golden moments of your life. You would laugh thinking about your graduation day, or the teacher who changed your life, or how you met your soulmate. But then, you look ahead and you would realize that there is no future – no tomorrow to look forward to, and nothing to plan. Then what would you do? How would you go on and live a future that doesn't exist? ~  Bhavya Kaushik

This morning, I woke up on my own at 6am. What jolted me awake was a sickening feeling. As I proceeded to get myself together for the day, I realized that the whole right side of my face felt sensitive to the touch. At first I did not understand what was going on, but then I stopped and said, what else are you feeling? I quickly realized what I was feeling was a migraine coming on! My head was pounding, so I ran downstairs to get my rescue medication. I think I felt even more stress today than usual because I had to drive to the city for my dentist appointment. In order to make that happen, I had a ton of things to juggle first in order to be able to get away for two hours! 

At 9:50am, I was able to get my dad in the car, and I dropped him off at his memory care center. Then drove 40 minutes into the city to my dentist's office! I have been going to this dental practice since I was in my twenties! Therefore, I was not about to find a new dentist even though I live in the suburbs! Of course driving in the city, evokes so many memories! This is where I lived with my other half for 27 years! Today I passed restaurants we used to visit, the Kennedy Center where we saw countless shows, and all the paths we used to walk with Sunny! It was a walk down memory lane. While all of this was flashing before my eyes, I also had the radio on. Thomas Rhett's song, Sixteen, came on. Seems appropriate given my emotional state. If you have never heard the song, it is below. Basically in the song he walks us through his life, starting at 16 to 24! At 16.... he was wild and free, and as he ages, this wild and free evolves and looks different. 

Unlike the person in this song, I was never wild. At 16, I never broke a curfew. I never needed one! I never smoked in my life, never took drugs, and never got drunk. I am not sure what that says about me! So wild and free are not necessarily words I would use to describe myself. Yet listening to this song, I related to the sentiment he was describing, and the level of innocence that comes with youth and how this changes as we age. All I know is hearing this song and driving through the city (which used to be my home), just emotionally hit me. My life has been filled with so many incredible losses, of which I wasn't prepared for! Then again, who is ever prepared for child loss and the ending of a 35 year long committed relationship? 

When I got to the dental office, my hygienist, Annie, came out and gave me a BIG HUG. Annie knows what a feat it is for me to get to this appointment! In addition, she works with both of my parents, so she knows the immense support they need. As soon as I got in the dental chair, Annie put pillows under my knees and neck, and then turned on rat pack music! Why rat pack music? Well to me it evokes a more simpler time! When I was a teenager, and I used to visit my dad's brother, he literally would play this music throughout the day on his record player. Back then I thought..... is he kidding? As I told Annie today, I have turned into my uncle! I have a great appreciation for this music. It is happy, it talks about love, people appreciating each other, and kindness. 

Annie and my dentist know that my dental visit is my respite. Truly it is like going to a spa! They try to help me regroup for the hour while I am in the dental chair! At the end of my visit, Annie walked me out and said to me..... there is ONLY one Vicki! She says she doesn't know many people like me who would devote their life to helping others, and always putting everyone else's needs before their own. Then of course she gave me a big hug and a ton of dental products in a little gift bag. When you are a full-time caregiver it is amazing where one seeks self care and respite, even at the dentist's office!

Sunday, November 9, 2025

Sunday, November 9, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2002. Mattie was 7 months old. I remember purchasing for him that adorable puppy hat and our life in the city. Mattie and I posed for this fall photo in front of the oak tree, which was right outside our balcony window. It is ironic, because this tree served many purposes for us when Mattie became a preschooler! Mattie loved to collect acorns from this tree and this tree provided us with leaves in the spring for Mattie's tent moth collection! I will never forget this tree. So much so, that we planted acorns from this tree years ago, which now grow faithfully in flower pots in our current backyard!

See the two oaks in the brown pots? These are off shoots of the above tree!!!

Quote of the day: Familiar like a forgotten song from long ago that takes you back to a moment the second you hear it. And you recognize who you were. Then. And now. And you have to figure out how to reconcile the two. ~ Katy Regnery

Last night I decided to write to my three friends who I celebrate Christmases with to see if they would be willing to come to my house again this year. Holidays are difficult for me, now more than ever. But these friends understand this and I do not want the day to go by especially for my parents without feeling we are celebrating the holiday in some way. For the most part I am no longer social, on any level. I do not get together with friends, I do not do anything else other than my usual routine. My life is very limited, but even if it wasn't limited by caregiving, I frankly would not know what to do with myself anyway. My life ended the day I became single. That may sound dramatic, but it is the truth. The truth isn't always fun to read. 

I am grateful that all three of my friends immediately responded back and they are all coming on December 25. That to me is a big gift, as eating a holiday dinner without their company would be beyond painful. Cooking big meals always reminds me of my grandmother! When I was growing up, we ate in courses! My grandmother would make three course holiday meals, and that did not include dessert. So my grandmother was cooking for days. Despite all her work, she did it with grace and ease. Or at least she made it look that way! She is another person I deeply miss and I would like to think she is smiling down on me, because she was an amazing influence on me in terms of my ability to be a caregiver and to cook. 

This is the complexity of holidays. They are portrayed as happy in social media, movies, and print, but for so many of us, the holidays are fraught with grief and loss. Now when I look around my table, I have to face the bitter reality of the loss of both Mattie and my marriage.

Saturday, November 8, 2025

Saturday, November 8, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2003. Mattie was a year and half old. That day we took him to a local farm, to walk around and see the animals. Mattie was all business, as he was moving around from one fenced area to the next, checking out all the animals. Mattie loved animals and nature from an early age, and it was through his love for the outdoors, that I grew to appreciate all the natural beauty around me. 

Quote of the day: We grieve because we love. The intensity of the grief often proclaims the depth of our love. ~ Gary Roe

Last night, before I went to sleep, I went down to the basement to check on the outdoor drain by the door. It was pouring and given that this area flooded back in 2021 (when we first moved into the house), I am always very nervous when it rains. Mind you after the 2021 flood, our plumber fixed the drain and installed a back up sump pump. Nonetheless, I live with constant fear since I became single, as I have a lot of responsibilities and manage them single handedly. Thankfully the drain was fine last night, but I found that Indie had once again pooped on the rug! At 11pm, I was at my wit's end! I have tried everything from new litter boxes, multiple boxes, new litter, and nothing is working. Despite cleaning her boxes DAILY, she is still going outside of her boxes. Given the day I had, this wasn't a good ending. 

This morning, unlike most Saturdays, my dad did not have a physical therapy session. So I was moving slower than normal and not rushing around. Typically I get up at 6 or 6:30am, and immediately start chores. I did not do this today. That should have been a good thing, but it turned out to be a disaster. By the time I showered and got downstairs to prep breakfast, I heard my mom yelling. So I stopped what I was doing and ran upstairs. The scene wasn't pretty! Somehow my dad got the bedrail down, moved all the wedge pillows I use to keep him in place, he pooped in bed, and then was walking around without clothes. It wasn't my finest moment, as I landed up screaming. I wasn't screaming about the pooping and mess..... because I deal with that daily, what I was very upset about was the fact that he got up from bed without supervision. Given his fall in July and three week hospitalization, I do not like him out of bed when I am not present. It took six paramedics to get him off the floor in July. However, no matter what I say to my dad, it doesn't register! Within minutes after my tirade and cleaning him up, my dad had NO IDEA what just happened. Dementia tries my patience from every angle. When I tell you I spend my days cleaning, more cleaning, and cleaning, I am not kidding. It takes great effort to keep my house smelling fresh and clean, and if I should take a day off from this routine, you can immediately tell! 

Once my parents were settled, I did some computer work. I am working on the Foundation's mass mailing for the holidays. We have done this mass mailing for over ten years. I literally start the prep work for this mailing months ago. But now I am turning to scrubbing our database and generating mailing labels. This alone will take me two weeks, only because of all the chores I juggle in any given day. Yesterday wasn't a good day, as being on a board call without my other half depressed me to no end. Today, I reflected on the Foundation's database filled with the names of friends and supporters and realized that all these people stand behind Mattie's memory and legacy and that made me smile. I am an emotional roller coaster these days and a bundle of nerves. 

As I was sitting by my desk figuring out how to pay this month's bills, look what I saw.... a fox! Moving to the suburbs has been an adjustment for me, because I am still not used to seeing deer and fox. Mind you yesterday morning, at around 7am, I went to my side door to throw out garbage. Want to know what was staring at me through the door? Try a large buck... antlers and all! Any case, all I can think of with this wildlife is Sunny! If Sunny were still alive, NONE of these creatures would be on our property! Sunny did constant surveillance and with his herding instinct, he would move along any furry creature that attempt to come into his space! This January, Sunny will be gone from my life for two years! His memory, love, and devotion remain with me always. 

Friday, November 7, 2025

Friday, November 7, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2004. Mattie was two years old and was playing with Patches' (our calico cat) toy! Ironically I am not sure who enjoyed this toy more.... Mattie or Patches! Given that Mattie played with it more, my vote was on Mattie! Can you see the way Mattie was sitting on the floor, with his legs looking like the letter W? Apparently this wasn't a good way to sit, as they say it can lead to problems with core strength and motor skills. Truthfully if you listened to all the things they warn you about as a parent, your head could spin. Mattie naturally outgrew this W position, but I will never forget him doing this, or the fact that through him I learned the art of being a parent. 

Quote of the day: They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for. ~ Tom Bodett

It is 10pm, and I am still working. All I can say is.... is this as good as it gets? Each day is one chore, crisis, or let down after the other! I started my day at 6am, because my dad's nurse was coming over to evaluate his pressure sore. I feel like I am on a constantly moving treadmill, that doesn't have an off button. After the nurse's visit, I then drove my dad to his memory care center, then went to the grocery store, then home to do laundry, and then I winterized the hoses and bleed out the water in the pipes going to the hoses. This is my third year in a row having to manage this winterization process. I guess with each year of doing this, I am getting better at it, and no longer getting soaked from water flying out of the bleeder valves. This was all before noon! But my day did not end there!

Later today, I had a meeting for the Foundation. All I can say is moments like these remind me of who is missing in my life. NOT just Mattie, but the person I viewed as my other half, who helped me keep Mattie's memory and legacy alive. All I know is I live in disbelief and I am very tired. May tomorrow be a better day, where I can see and feel a glimmer of hope. 

Thursday, November 6, 2025

Thursday, November 6, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2004. Mattie was two years old. My parents sent Mattie this little table and chairs and he loved it. We did all sorts of projects on this table. However, it wasn't unusual for Mattie to set up his Thomas trains here! When I look back at this photo, it reminds me of my innocence. As my world was free of childhood cancer, we were an intact family, and divorce was not in my lexicon. 

Quote of the day: If you ever feel overwhelmed, take on another project. ~ Roy Halston Frowick

I came across this quote today, and it made me laugh! To me, it describes me to a T. I am overwhelmed MOST days and just when I think I can't possibly take on another project..... it happens. Today took the cake. 

I got my dad downstairs with only ten minutes to spare this morning before his physical therapist arrived. I was totally strung out after showering him and then dealing with his irritable bowel issues. It was my hope that while my dad's therapist was working with him, I could focus on a set of question a college student sent me, as she is doing a research paper on the psychosocial consequences of a childhood cancer diagnosis. As I said..... that was my hope, my goal! Forget it!

I happened to check my email account for the Foundation and found a message telling me that my account was going to be shut down today, unless I clicked a link. I may not be computer savvy, but I am smart enough to know.... NEVER click a link. Especially if you do not know who is sending the message. What made me particularly anxious is I have received this message at least three times in two weeks. So in my head today..... I thought, maybe this was legitimate. 

I tried contacting Microsoft, which was supposedly where the message originated. Good luck! If you have a question for Microsoft and you want to talk to a live person, forget it! I was beyond frustrated. Then it dawned on me, that our Foundation's email account is run through a company that hosts our domain. So I reached out to them. I actually have their number in my address book, because I always have questions about our account. 

Any case, I was on the phone an hour with Tommy. What a God send. He reviewed the issues with my email and saw that indeed fraudulent messages were getting through and as of today, we devised a plan to secure everything that belongs to the Foundation. I learned today that many hacks are actually working behind the scenes to set up a scam website that may look like a legitimate non-profit. So for example, let's say someone sets up a website that looks like mine, then my supporters could potentially donate to this look alike site thinking they are donating to my non-profit, and of course the money would never get to the cause! I was having NONE OF THAT foolishness today! As I always say, Mattie Miracle is my second baby, in memory of my first baby, therefore, I will protect it at all costs. Which I did today with Tommy's help! 

But I am sick of all these surprises, daily crises, and having to navigate it all alone. It is hard to describe what my day looks like, but in between caregiving, I was processing both personal and Foundation mail, financial issues, a credit card issue for my mom, outdoor light timers that needed to be reprogrammed, and then it dawned on me..... the new furnace never went through a county inspection. Any new piece of equipment installed in a house, is permitted, and the work needs to be inspected and approved. I flipped out because this hasn't happened yet and I reached out to the installer of the furnace. I got that resolved with an inspector hopefully is coming at the end of the month! But honestly the list goes on. My joke is I never stop moving from the moment my feet hit the floor in the morning. 

Last night, I went outside to pick fresh basil in my backyard. When I was out there, the whole backyard seemed to be glowing. I looked up and there it was.... a huge Mattie Moon! He never forgets his mom, and literally when I am outside by myself, it isn't unusual for me to talk to the moon! Don't worry the moon isn't talking back to me, or at least not yet!
  

Wednesday, November 5, 2025

Wednesday, November 5, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2005. Mattie was three years old and VERY ON! My joke was Mattie had two modes... ON and OFF! Nothing in between. As you can see, Mattie created this very large Lego vehicle. You may not be able to see the wheels in this photo, but trust me, they were under all those Lego bricks. In this photo, I captured Mattie creating a human bridge and he wanted me to move his vehicle underneath the bridge! This was Mattie..... he had a way of incorporating you into his play schemes and his energy was contagious. 

Quote of the day: The only thing faster than the speed of thought is the speed of forgetfulness. Good thing we have other people to help us remember. ~ Vera Nazarian

I woke up this morning, opened my bedroom door, and knew immediately Indie left me a mess in the basement. That is how pervasive a smell it is, the odor climbs up two floors. It is not the best of smells to hit you at 6:30am! It took me twenty minutes to clean this up and I was not happy! Not happy because she now has TWO litter boxes and each one is cleaned out daily. She even got fresh litter last week. The vet assures me nothing is physically wrong with her, but honestly I am at my wit's end. 

I did my usual morning routine, greeted my mom's physical therapist, and then got my dad in the car to his memory care center. After I dropped him off, I went to return the vanity light fixture that I purchased for the renovation. The fixture is too large, and I am awaiting the smaller one to be delivered. While at the store, I looked around and saw Christmas everywhere. All sorts of ornaments, lights, and decorations. It was emotionally overwhelming. I go through the motions to acknowledge the holidays but nothing brings me happiness anymore. As a part of me died with Mattie and the rest of me died when I got divorced. 

However, while out, I text messaged my contractor because it dawned on me this morning that I can't keep working with a leaky bathroom sink. I consulted my plumber on changing the faucets a few months ago and when I heard the four figure price he quoted me, I said NO THANK YOU! Instead, I bought faucets today and Alfredo will install them for me next week, and it won't be anywhere near the cost I was originally quoted. It is times like these that I wish I had the skills of a contractor! Because I would manage EVERYTHING myself! Be fully self-sufficient. But I know my limitations and I know when I need to ask for help. 

I spent several hours going through all the items donated to the Foundation. I separated the items into three different piles, as they are going to three different hospitals. We have five Snack & Item Carts and these items help to keep our Carts fully stocked. All items are free to families caring for children with cancer or other life threatening illnesses.

This is the donation going to MedStar Georgetown University Hospital in Washington, DC.

This is the donation going to the National Institutes of Health in Bethesda, MD. 

This is the donation going to Children's Hospital at Sinai in Baltimore, MD. 

I am deeply grateful to our friends and supporters who make these miracles possible! When Mattie was diagnosed, our friends brought us snacks and meals DAILY for over a year. I can't tell you how much money they saved us and how appreciated their efforts were, because it was close to impossible to leave Mattie's side in the hospital. I will never forget this kindness, and I would like to think I have paid this kindness forward through our Snack & Item Carts. For me, the memory of Team Mattie remains alive and well in all of our Carts! What I do know is our Carts are life savers and families are deeply appreciative to have access to snacks, drinks, candy, and toiletries. 

Tuesday, November 4, 2025

Tuesday, November 4, 2025 -- Mattie died 819 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2005. I will never forget this photo! We took Mattie to the National Geographic Museum in the city. It was the first visit for all us to this museum. Outside the front entrance are these wonderful bronze sculptures of primates. Mattie decided to pose with this ape. This photo captures such a beautiful, innocent, and unforgettable memory. A memory of the three us.... a happy family. 

Quote of the day: All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, A light from the shadows shall spring; Renewed shall be blade that was broken, The crownless again shall be king. ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

The contractors arrived at 8am today. Despite a week of renovation, I would have to say I picked the right contractor to work with, as he was respectful of what I am balancing, concerned about my parent's throughout the process, and did an outstanding job cleaning up after himself daily. As of tonight, the bathroom renovation is complete. So all the damage from the August flood has been resolved in one week's time. 

To put this transformation into context, I think it helps to see what this bathroom looked like when we moved into the house in 2021. It was a bathroom that never was renovated and had purely builder grade materials. 

This is what the bathroom looks like now! Alfredo is coming back next week to install the light fixture. The one I purchased was too big for the space. So I ordered another one today and it will fit the space better. 

I basically designed the baseboard in the bathroom. There are many options one can use today for a baseboard, everything from wood, PVC, and tile. I was told that a plain white subway tile is typically chosen by people. NOPE! My eye did not see that. Instead, I found a tile that looked like marble, which I thought would complement the hexagon tiles. These marble looking tiles were thicker, so I had the contractor cut them in half to form the baseboard. But any cut tile, is missing a finished end. So I had to decide what to do with that exposed tile edge, and again was presented with a silver colored strip that would cap or line the top of the baseboard tile. Again, I said, NO. I chose a white finish, because to me seeing a silver border around the baseboard would have taken away from the natural beauty of the tile.

The contractor said I have a flair for design. Maybe. I love creating things and seeing the process unfold, and as he could see I know what I like and am not wishy washy about my preferences, which I suppose makes the process go more smoothly. 

While the contractor was here today, I took on phone calls, flushing the sump pump (which I have to do every three months), reprogrammed a timer for our outdoor lights (thank goodness for YouTube videos that illustrated how to reprogram a Intermatic Timer), and fixed a light that was flooded from rain. In between those tasks, I worked with my mom's physical therapist who came over to evaluate her progress, and then managed the visiting nurse who is helping me manage my dad's wound care. I can't make up this kind of day, in which I jump from one task or crisis to another. All I can say is I am grateful construction is over! I am thankful the weather has been cooperative, and I could have the windows open to manage fumes. But most importantly, I am thrilled to have my space back and do not have to get up at 6am to juggle the renovation. 

Monday, November 3, 2025

Monday, November 3, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2006. Mattie was four years old. This was NOT an unusual occurrence in our living room! Mattie loved to paint. We introduced him to  3-D puzzles which he had to assemble and then could paint them. While raising Mattie, I also taught a child development class at the University. So I knew all about the theories associated with nature vs nurture, and my point is research is one thing, but  seeing these concepts unfold right before my eyes solidified them and made them unforgettable. From an academic standpoint, I achieved the highest degree a person can obtain, yet I will always credit Mattie as my greatest teacher. Mattie was hard wired with interests, preferences, and a personality and as his mom, I tried to nurture each and every one of his gifts, and in the process got to see the development of an incredible little boy. Though Mattie has been gone from my life for 16 years, I miss seeing the world through his beautiful eyes. 

Quote of the day: Legacy isn’t what we leave behind, it’s what we build in others while we’re still here. ~ Chris Watson

This morning, after working with the contractors and dropping my dad off at his memory care center, I took my mom into the city to get her hair and nails done. This salon has been in my life since my twenties! It is located in my old neighborhood, so when I am there it is hard to believe how drastically my life has changed. If anyone would have told me years ago that I would land up single, I would have laughed hysterically. Yet here I am. Going into my old neighborhood is like seeing a video tape rewind in my mind. I can picture my former life there, I can see our apartment from the road, the routes I used to walk Sunny, and the list goes on. 

While at the salon today, I learned about three tragic and untimely deaths. One of the beautiful women who worked in the salon died while playing tennis. Her tennis partner ran into her by accident on the court, and she fell backward and hit her head very hard on the court and died. I saw this woman at the salon about two months ago. So refined, so kind, and way too young to be taken from this earth. Then my manicurist, who came into my life when Mattie died in 2009, told me about the unexpected death of her brother-in-law and the third death I heard about today was a suicide. The young man in question had an amazing career, a loving wife, and two children. No one knew he was depressed, until he killed himself while showering. Seriously when I heard about these three deaths today,  it gave me great pause. Nothing can put life into perspective than such horrific and unexpected tragedies. What this reminded me of today is: 1) life is fragile, 2) we can love someone and yet not always know what is going on in that person's mind and heart, 3) any day that we are healthy is a GOOD DAY and a blessing (because things can change on a dime), and 4) we need to appreciate the time we have with those we love, because tomorrow is not guaranteed.   

When talking about the suicide today of this young man, I learned that his mom has in essence stopped living. That she feels like she died six years ago, when her son took his life. Naturally this mom's feelings resonate with my own. There are some losses in which time can not possibly heal and when you lose a part of yourself (your child), literally you feel dead inside, and your hope and vision for a future cease to exist. The depths of these feelings are hard to grasp and certainly hard to face, but these feelings are not pathological, they are not signs of weakness, but instead signs of an unfathomable loss of a deep bond and love.

The bathroom was painted today and the final touches will be done tomorrow. By tomorrow afternoon, all the renovations will be complete. Truly our contractors performed magic in one week's time. 

Sunday, November 2, 2025

Sunday, November 2, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2007. That weekend we went for a walk on Roosevelt Island. A park we visited practically every weekend regardless of the weather. Mattie just loved it and it was a little bit of green paradise minutes from our home in the city. It is hard to believe that less than a year later, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. 

Quote of the day: FEAR has two meanings: Forget Everything And Run. Face Everything And Rise. ~ Zig Ziglar

Happy 16th birthday to Mattie Miracle! It is hard to believe that I have been doing this work for all these years! Longer than I had Mattie in my life. A sobering reality. As I always say........... the Foundation is my second baby, in memory of my first baby!

Tonight's quote truly speaks to me! When I became separated in 2023, I lived in constant FEAR! I truly did not know how I was going to survive caregiving alone, managing all the finances, dealing with house and car maintenance and everything else. When I tell you I was frightened, scared, and very anxious, I am not kidding. In fact there aren't enough words in the English language to describe the panic that overcame me, and almost swept me away. What was I going to do with all that fear? I would have loved to run, but that wasn't an option as my parents need my support 24/7. So the only thing I could do was FACE my fears. 

Two years later, I still haven't gotten used to be doing everything alone. I have weekly and sometimes daily panics. Over the last week, I noticed our front yard lights were out! These outdoor lights drive me 100% batty! I tried everything I could think of to make them work, and then I realized.... it has to be the transformer supplying electricity to the lights. Now I could have waited for Steve (my outdoor guru) who is coming in about a week to deal with sprinklers, to also address the transformer. But once a problem pops into my head, I don't let it go. I was determined to change this transformer myself. I have seen it changed once before, so I knew it wasn't difficult. But doing anything on my own now, produces fear. This morning I overcame that fear. I pulled out the new transformer I had on hand, got out a screwdriver, and went at it! Guess what? I did it and the lights out front are now working. Before I threw away the old transformer, I removed its light sensor. Why? Because I have another transformer whose light sensor no longer works. So when it gets dark out, the transformer no longer automatically turns the lights on. I decided to take the light sensor from the old transformer and install it in the transformer on my driveway! I wanted to see if it would work tonight! Sure enough, I have LIGHT everywhere! 

This is my dining room now! When you look at it, you would never know that I had a 3x3 foot hole in it after the bathroom flood. My hope is the bathroom renovation will be completed this week too, as juggling this is practically way too much for me. 

Saturday, November 1, 2025

Saturday, November 1, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. Mattie was recovering from his first limb salvaging surgery. The whole thing was traumatic, particularly managing the pain. That day, we got Mattie up and in his wheelchair. But it wasn't just any day! It was a Friday! Sitting next to Mattie was Chris, the president of the chemistry club, who came to the pediatric units every Friday! I will never these visits. Mattie loved Chris' activities and when Mattie was too sick to go out into the hallways, the chemistry club came right into Mattie's room! That day they were making slime together. I am NOT AT ALL surprised that Chris is now a physician!

Quote of the day: But when they were walking in the gardens one of them, or perhaps both, began a sentence with 'Do you remember...', that powerful insidious phrase which can upset the most carefully formal conversation. ~ Barbara Pym

Tonight's quote is quite poignant. I have a lot of "do you remember" moments. However, throughout my married life, I never shared any of these moments alone. As hard it was to lose Mattie, when I was married, we shared joint memories. Life before Mattie, life with Mattie, Mattie with cancer, Mattie's death and our journey with this forever loss. Joint moments from our many decades together and I always knew our memories were stronger together. It is harder carrying the baton on my own and frankly I do not think human beings were programmed to be alone. Or at least I wasn't, which is why I got married at the age of 24. In so many ways, I can't remember my life as a single person, and now that I am forced to face this reality, I hate every minute of it. 

This afternoon, I took my parent's out to the local restaurant we visit every Saturday. I have gotten to know the manager of this restaurant and today we were chatting about the complexities of people today. In fact, she is the third person this week who discussed this very topic with me! The challenge they mentioned to me is selfishness, of people being self absorbed, and solely focused on their best interest with no regard for others around them. In each conversation I had this week, the culprit we all focused on was the internet. The internet is wonderful and awful at the same time. We have become a species which prefers interacting with things rather than people. Case in point... look at Halloween.

When I was a child and this applies to Mattie's generation too, Halloween was a time when you walked door to door, rang the bell, and the homeowner would greet you, comment on your costume and then give you candy or other treats. If you still do this...... answer your door and hand out candy..... all I can say is amazing! Good for you! It is a lost art. Because for the most part now people leave candy out in a box or bin by their front doors. Or some people even mentioned to me that they shut their lights off altogether and they do not give anything. 

Somehow we lost the compassion, focus, and pride for caring about other people around us. All I know is this is not a topic I can relate to, as throughout my life, everyone else around me was always number one, and I came second. This is not a complaint, it is just who I am, and I am saddened that we live in a culture where turning inward is rewarded and has become the norm. Why.... because, I think the most memorable moments, the ones that bring us long term happiness, are those moments shared, united together for a greater good.