Thursday, January 16, 2025

Thursday, January 16, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2004. Mattie was two years old. That day, after visiting the zoo, we stopped at a McDonald's drive thru, so Mattie could get his French fries and a vanilla shake. He was the ultimate back seat driver and when I wasn't driving, he loved having me sit in the back seat with him. 

Quote of the day: See the world through the eyes of your inner child. The eyes that sparkle in awe and amazement as they see love, magic and mystery in the most ordinary things. ~ Henna Sohail 

This evening I was driving in the car by myself and the Kane Brown song, Backseat Driver, came on the radio. I am sure I must have heard this song countless times before, but tonight, I actually listened to the lyrics. All I can say is wow! It captures the beauty of looking through life from a child's eyes. If you haven't heard this song, click on the image below!

The beauty of the song is it illustrates how adults and children view the world so differently. As adults we are so literal, we are also jaded by hurt and past experiences. We want to get from point A to point B and we see the problems, issues, and negativity in life. The song points this out, when the adult driving the car with his daughter in tow, observes a woman yelling at her phone on the highway and speeds by him with her middle finger in the air. Naturally we as adults can relate to this incident, but the child in the car reacts a bit differently! Sure she observed the woman's behavior and gesture and asks her dad about it, but seconds later, before he can give a response to her, she jumps to what else she is observing at the same time while in the back seat. Such things as............ "Do squirrels have houses in the trees and Why'd God put stingers on honeybees?"

This song captures the innocence, magic, and awe that lies within most young children. Children share this joy of life with us each day, and really when you hear these observations about squirrels or honeybees, how can you remain mad about the woman driving and waving her middle finger? It isn't like you forget what happened, but children help us tamper down the negativity. They enable us to see parts of the world that we glaze over, take for granted, or that get blurred into the background. But trees, nature, birds, clouds, and the sun for example shouldn't be taken for granted. 

As we age, life can harden us. Tonight's song reminded me of the countless times I had Mattie as my backseat driver. His mind going a mile a minute and me trying to drive and keep up with his questions and reflections. These are moments I will never forget and hearing this song tonight reminded me that when life gets me down, PAUSE, and think about Mattie as my backseat driver and the beauty that he always observed that should never be ignored or allowed to be drowned out by the negativity.  

Wednesday, January 15, 2025

Wednesday, January 15, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2005. Mattie was two and half years old. He was my shadow. If I was somewhere, so was he! You heard of Mommy's little helper..... well that was Mattie. However, Mattie had his own plan on how to do things, so together we found our way. From an early age, Mattie was the kind of kid who wanted to "talk about it!" That was one of his favorite things to say. Parenting Mattie was about logic, reasoning, patience, rationalization, and options. 

Quote of the day: Every day is a chance to create a memory and to love a little more. ~ Jessi Hooks

It has been a hard week for us. Several loved ones have been hospitalized this for various issues. In fact, one of the issues is cancer. It is always hard to hear someone you know and love has been diagnosed with this disease. Truthfully as family and friends of someone diagnosed, you want to say something that is helpful, that shows support, and can instill hope. There are countless articles on the Internet about what to say if someone is diagnosed with cancer. You may find lists of what to say and what NOT to say. You may even find articles that list the worst and best ways to support someone through a cancer diagnosis. But, here's the problem with LISTS! Those of you who have been reading Mattie's blog for years are probably already shouting it, saying..... yep we know what you are going to say.... we know you HATE lists. Don't give me a how-to or a list. Certainly these things are helpful when making big, not life threatening, decisions, but helping someone face and cope with a cancer diagnosis, is quite different. 

Each person is unique and what works for one person, may not work for another. For example, at the top of these lists on what to say to a person diagnosed with cancer is.... "what can I do for you?" REALLY???? That is an open ended and loaded question. When you are facing a medical crisis, you may not know what you need and therefore such an open ended question is bound to produce the answer..... I DON'T KNOW! My second favorite question, and I am being facetious, is "how are you?" What on earth!???? To me this is another loaded question and if you are going to ask it, you should be prepared for all sorts of responses. Most of which won't be pleasant. 

Another no-no to me, is talking about your own experiences. Cancer is an equal opportunity disease, therefore we all know someone who has been diagnosed. But does your experience with someone else, actually help the person in front of you facing cancer? The answer is no! When someone tells me about their diagnosis, that is what I try to focus on. Sure I have plenty of experience with Mattie's journey, and I think Mattie's journey has enabled me to understand that the BEST way to support someone with a cancer diagnosis is to follow their lead. Be observant, truly listen, and most of all, keep coming back and being present. That is the gift. Your presence, your time, and willingness to be uncomfortable. Trust me, you won't find these things on any how-to list. But at the end of the day, supporting someone with cancer is not about lists. It is not about checking boxes, it is about meeting the person where they are at any given time. I say meeting a person where they are at, because a cancer journey is bumpy.  Emotional supports that work one day, may not work the next. 

When Mattie was first diagnosed with cancer, many of his classmates and friends visited the hospital. Families wanted to show their support and because Mattie wasn't bald or wheelchair bound at that point, he welcomed his friends. Early on, Mattie viewed himself like any other kid! But that outlook changed rapidly. 

As Mattie started losing his hair, feeling sicker, and unable to walk, this desire to interface with friends declined rapidly. Mattie preferred being isolated and silent and therefore providing him social support looked different. It may have been more one on one activities such as fine motor activities that he could do sitting next to a friend. Or it may have looked like sitting and watching a movie in silence. The point is social and emotional connections are needed at every stage of a cancer
diagnosis, but as caregivers and friends, we have to be fluid and flexible in how we provide that support. Don't get wrapped up in doing the right or wrong thing! Because trust me, even if well intentioned, there will be screw ups! But don't let a faux pas stop you from being present. You just pick up again and find a new way forward. As I learned with Mattie, support doesn't even mean being physically present, it could be virtual. My love for my cell phone and text messaging, started during Mattie's cancer journey. It became my favorite mode of communication and way to seek support. It is so ingrained in me that even today, my phone comes with me everywhere!   

Visiting Mattie in the hospital wasn't for every child! For most children, visiting a PICU is intimidating! The lights are bright, kids maybe screaming, families maybe upset in the hallways, and there are all sorts of scary noises. Yet a handful of Mattie's friends kept coming back and visiting. No matter how scary things appeared. It was in observing these young children and their ability to accept Mattie for where he was at, that I learned the art of cancer care. Providing emotional support is about being HUMAN, and there is no better way of learning this than by seeing it through the eyes of a child. Did Mattie's friends understand he was ill? Absolutely, but the beauty of being a child is that they also viewed Mattie as Mattie. A fellow kid and a friend. At the end of the day, no matter how sick we are, we want to be defined by our thoughts and feelings and not our disease. 

Tuesday, January 14, 2025

Tuesday, January 14, 2025 -- Mattie died 797 weeks ago today. 

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2005. Mattie was two and half years old and why I snapped this photo, was because he loved bath time. He went from a kid who was frightened of water to a child who couldn't wait to take a bath. Now I am not sure Mattie liked the actual bathing as must as playing in the water. Toys of all kinds would be incorporated into his bath time fun, and when I tell you that Mattie would stay in there for hours, if I let him, I am not kidding! Got to love that smile and spirit. 

Quote of the day: Our pictures are our footprints. It’s the best way to tell people we were here. ~ Joe McNally

It is 11pm, and I am finally sitting still to write this blog. I took my parents to the city today for their dentist appointments. Because parking is hard in the city, and my dad's mobility is failing, I brought along Mattie's wheelchair with me. Isn't it amazing that Mattie died in 2009, and his portable wheelchair was one of the things I kept. There was something about this chair that made it impossible to give away. Now the same wheelchair I pushed around is being used once again, but by my dad. Though my dad was in the chair today, I felt that Mattie was with me in his own way. His presence was felt.

Thank goodness I brought the wheelchair today, because my dad could have never made the long walk from the car to the office. My parents see two different hygienists, so that their appointments are in tandem.  My mom works with my hygienist and my dad works with another amazing woman. For my dad's appointment, I am always in the room with him, as he can't answer questions for himself and since I brush and care for my dad's teeth, I need to be part of the conversation. 

I have been going to this dental practice since I was in my twenties! My dad's hygienist has been affiliated with the office for as long as I have been going there. We swapped stories and had a great old time chatting. When my dentist walked in to examine my dad, he shook my hand and said...... that he has told his wife about me. That he is amazed with how well I care for my parents and he told his wife, that he hopes one of his daughters turns out to be just like me. I was so taken aback about his beautiful and kind comment, and then the hygienist chimed in. She said she is impressed with how my dad is always so clean, neat, his clothes are well cared for, and that my dad seems so happy. 

When I have moments when I question why am I alive and what is God's plan, I get comments like this that remind me the importance of providing care for my parents. Caregiving is not a glorious job, it is misunderstood, under appreciated, and undervalued in our society. After all, it is mainly done in isolation, you have no staff, you aren't getting paid, and there are no sick days or time off for vacations. I can definitely understand that caregiving is not for everyone, and I can appreciate that choice. 

What I do find fascinating is while I perform my daily tasks, I am always amazed at who is observing what I am doing. I may not even realize it, until like today, with my dentist, someone says something to me. I certainly don't do the things I do for the praise, but I have to say, some days I am just tired, some days I am just down, and what I have found is words of kindness that we receive from others can turn the mood of a day around. 

Monday, January 13, 2025

Monday, January 13, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2003. Mattie was 9 months old. He absolutely loved his walker, which we referred to as "tot wheels." What Mattie loved was the independence to zoom around on his own, and you would be amazed how he would follow me around our townhouse in this huge thing. He turned tight corners and maneuvered like a pro! This maybe one of my favorite photos. Peter took the photo, but who was Mattie looking at? ME! There was a photographer on Facebook who was so enamored with this photo, that Tim blew it up one day and showed me that indeed my reflection can be seen shinning off of Mattie's eyes. 

Quote of the day: What matters in life is not what happens to you but what you remember and how you remember it. ~ Gabriel Garcia Marquez

I can't tell you how many self care lists have come across my desk over the last year and a half. Self care is one of those topics that truly sounds almost ridiculous if you are a family caregiver. There is no time for self, much less care. But recently I have seen some very simplistic lists of self care, that are far more manageable and obtainable for me. Such things as sleeping an extra hour, sitting still for 10 minutes and looking outside at nature, or even things that are mentally stimulating, like taking a course. 

Despite the clown show I juggle on any given day, I did complete my continuing education credits for my licensure renewal in December of 2024. That wasn't an easy feat, but I made that a priority. But like my therapist reminds me often, when I first started seeing her in December of 2023, I did not know how to pay a bill. I had no idea for our monthly or yearly cash flow, and I most definitely had no idea how to maintain a house!

Yet as my dad always used to say to me...... you can eat an elephant (not literally, it is an analogy) one spoonful at a time! Taking anything in pieces, makes the end goal far more manageable. Back in December of 2023, I did not think it was capable for me to run a household alone, caregive full time, and run Mattie Miracle. But guess what? I am doing it! Each day, I have pushed myself to learn something new, and I have found with age, that is the key to keeping the mind and body active. That said, I would rather be doing something else than worrying about financials and managing a house of my own, but I know all too well that so much in life is out of our control. The question is what do you do with the hand you have been dealt? Truly my answer to this question varies depending upon the day. 

Next week, Mattie Miracle has several board meetings. In order to prepare for these meetings, I had to put financials together for the board. It is down right hysterical, I have gone from not being a numbers person, to now being someone who has a much more solid understanding for credits and debits! I spent hours on these financials tonight and slowly but surely I have become in full control of every aspect of my life. If you told me that this was what my life was going to look like five years ago, I would have laughed hysterically. 

Switching gears to Los Angeles, my mom sent me this short video of Los Angeles. It captures LA before the fire and currently. I think it speaks volumes, as we are far across the country, away from our friends who are experiencing these horrors. Our hearts and minds are with those who lives have either been destroyed or who live in fear for their safety.  

Sunday, January 12, 2025

Sunday, January 12, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2004. Mattie was a year and a half old and his love for boxes and stacking started early! Mattie gravitated to VHS tapes. He enjoyed pulling them all out, stacking them, sorting them, and organizing them. The beauty of raising Mattie was observing him and following his lead. There were great books that I consulted with when pregnant, but once Mattie was born, I would say most of the "what to expect books" were lacking. Mainly because children are unique beings and I believe it is important to treat them as such! Sure, early on in Mattie's development, I was concerned about him meeting certain benchmarks, but quickly I deduced that benchmarks are useless at times, because with Mattie, I learned that he was going to do things on his time schedule, not according to someone else's timeline. I learned so much from Mattie, and like I always say, he was my greatest teacher. 

Quote of the day: Memories, like dreams, are tools for understanding life…they provide an entry into the heart of what we have once experienced and helps us make sense out of it after the fact. ~ Ayelet Waldman

This week I can add more skills to my long growing list. As you know from Thursday's blog (with my neighbor's help), I changed the battery on my Dyson cordless vacuum. This is my favorite vacuum to use on a daily basis and I was very frustrated that it was not holding its battery charge. Between the Dyson rep and myself, we diagnosed the problem through an on-line chat, and with the new battery, the machine is working like a charm. One issue solved. 

Then my mom's bathroom sink was backing up badly. She brought this to my attention, and what I love about both of my parents is they think I have solutions to all problems! HA, HA, HA!!! I am learning as I go, or I am dealing with each crisis that I face. I did my best to unclog the sink..... 1/2cup of baking soda, followed by 1/2cup of white vinegar. Let it sit for 15 minutes, and then turn HOT water on and let it flush for 10 minutes. This had some success, but to me the sink was still not acting right. So naturally I contacted my plumber friend. He came over yesterday! He checked out the sink, ran more hot water in it, popped some sort of bubble in the line, and said that I basically solved the problem myself. He makes me laugh when he tells me that I am on my way to becoming a plumber. A riot!

The crisis I have been facing for weeks is toilet paper consumption. Do you know that people with dementia are very fixated on all paper products? I went on-line tonight, to a dementia forum, and lots of caregivers are reporting similar issues as me. All of them are complaining that they are at their wit's end, as they do not know how to effectively ration or manage the consumption of paper. That may not sound like a big deal, but let me put this into context for you. 

My dad goes through TWO (yes two!!) full rolls of toilet paper A DAY. He goes through two tissue boxes per week, along with rolls of paper towels. Today's crisis was he stuffed so much toilet paper down the toilet in one sitting that it practically overflowed. I have tried talking to him, rationalizing with him, and now I realize the only way to manage this, is I have to take away the whole roll and leave him with only pieces. I believe in giving him some independence, but I also have to ensure he and the house are safe! Otherwise, when I am not looking, I know there will be a flood. Thankfully I have a plunger. I ran to get it and was able to unclog the toilet. Perhaps my plumber is right... I am learning on the job. 

With dementia comes a lot of repetitive behaviors. Of course that makes sense, because imagine if you can't remember from one minute to the other, what do you do? Well most likely, you repeat behaviors and actions constantly. It is quite overwhelming for a caregiver to manage. How do I manage my day to day existence without losing my mind?

The simple answer is Mattie. Mattie's cancer journey taught me the art of patience. The art of understanding, the art of juggling multiple tasks at once, to work on little to no sleep, and when you care for someone with cancer, you are faced with cleaning up fluids, messes, and managing the impossible. When I say Mattie was my greatest teacher, I am not kidding. I may have had natural caregiving tendencies to begin with, but I perfected them with Mattie. Caregiving, isn't just a task, it is a calling. An undervalued and under appreciated calling in our society, but nonetheless, a calling. It is grounded in love, respect, and commitment and I believe when caregiving for someone, we learn more about our skills, abilities, and character than perhaps any other job we could perform. 

While driving around with my parents this evening, we looked up in the sky and saw an amazing Mattie Moon! Most days I truly do not know if I am coming or going. I can't believe I am divorced, I can't believe I manage overwhelming tasks alone each and every day, and just when I feel distraught and in despair.... Mattie gives me a sign, telling me he sees everything and is behind me 100%.

Saturday, January 11, 2025

Saturday, January 11, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2004. Mattie was two years old. Every August, I would take Mattie to Los Angeles to visit my parents. Mattie loved LA, because he was happiest being outside and exploring. That day we took him to Griffith Park. A Park filled with everything from a Zoo, playgrounds, trains, pony rides, and a Dentzel carousel. This Park wasn't far from my parents home and literally every time we visited, we went to this Park. It is so special, it has something for everyone, and you just can't get tired of seeing the amazing terrain and landscape. 

My parents moved to California from New York in 1984. So I lived there while going to high school, and though I moved East to attend college, I naturally visited Los Angeles often to connect with my parents. To this day, we have many friends who live in Los Angeles. 

Quote of the day: Memory is the diary that we all carry about with us. ~ Oscar Wilde

If you have turned on your TV, then you maybe like us..... glued to the devastation occurring in Los Angeles! Though I only lived in LA for three years, my parents lived there for over 30 years. So in a way it was a second home for me. Over the course of this week I have had the opportunity to connect with a good friend and my dad's caregivers. They all sent me photos of the horrors they are seeing outside their windows. The images are horrifying. In fact, one of my dad's caregivers had to take her son to the ER, from breathing issues that resulted from smoke. All of the people I am talking with have made a to-go list and have begun packing, in case they have to evacuate. Can you imagine the fear and anxiety of living on the edge wondering if you will have to leave your home? The anxiety that life as you know it may end, that your home maybe destroyed, all the things inside your home maybe consumed by fire, and not knowing whether you are going to be physically safe! To me these fires are personal as these are people I know and care about, and this is a location I am very familiar with, as LA holds a piece of my history. 

As you may know the Palisades fire started on Tuesday, January 7, near Los Angeles. So far it has burned more than 21,300 acres, including homes and businesses in Pacific Palisades and along the Pacific Coast Highway. It is 8% contained. In addition to that serious fire, there are others around Los Angeles:

• The Eaton fire also began January 7 and has burned more than 14,100 acres. It’s now 3% contained.
• The Hurst fire also began January 7 and has burned more than 770 acres and is 70% contained.
• The Lidia fire broke out January 8 and has burned more than 390 acres and is 98% contained
• The Kenneth fire began January 9 and has burned more than 1,000 acres. It’s 50% contained.
• The Sunset fire broke out January 8 and became fully contained January 9. It burned 43 acres.

 

I did not post any of the photos my friends sent me (for their own privacy). So I went to the Internet to capture some images. This is fire burning near the Hollywood Sign. This sign is not far from where my parents used to live. My dad's caregiver told me today, that when she saw the fire was near the Hollywood Sign, she immediately thought that she was happy that my parents are now living with me. 

This is a photo of the Hollywood Sign that I snapped from the airplane during our 2015.

One of the first areas impacted and devastated by the Palisades Fire was Malibu. I can't tell you how many times we went to Malibu as a family. In fact, whenever people from the East coast came to visit us, we always took them to visit Malibu and the famous Gladstone's Restaurant. 

This was my dad and me in the parking lot of Gladstone's Restaurant in 2011. In fact, Peter's mom wrote to me and said, she will never forget our adventures in Malibu and at this restaurant. It has been a landmark for 50 years. I believe unlike other Malibu restaurants, Gladstone's is still standing, but partly burned to the ground. 

When I was in college, my parents introduced Peter to Gladstone's! I just can't believe what is happening to LA and though I am not personally affected, I feel like memories are tied to this region. Like so many of my memories, they are literally being erased.

Mattie and me in March of 2008, at the LA Arboretum!

My mom and dad with Mattie in August 2006, at Griffith Park.

My parents, Mattie, and me in August 2005, at the George C. Page Tar Pit Museum in Los Angeles. A favorite museum of Mattie's!

Mattie and me picking fruit at my parent's house in December 2003. 

LA is part of my life journey. It is a place I took Mattie to for countless visits, starting when he was only 11 months old. It saddens me to see the beauty of LA being ravaged and to know those I care about are living in fear. I know these LA visits meant a lot to Mattie, and I view LA as one of the places that hold Mattie's legacy!

Friday, January 10, 2025

Friday, January 10, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2004. Mattie was almost two years old. I snapped this photo of him to capture the moment!  When it came to boxes, Mattie was all business. He absolutely gravitated to boxes. To him they were the ideal building material! I loved to see Mattie's creativity unfold, and nurtured that instinct! Ironically I will always be grateful for Mattie's creativity and love for boxes. Because when he was going through his cancer journey, I can't tell you how many boxes within the hospital Mattie transformed!!! So many, that Mattie's psychosocial team knew to save any and all packing boxes that came into the clinic!

Quote of the day: It's very hard not to be condescending when you're explaining something to an idiot. ~ Bill Maher

Why did I select tonight's quote? Because I thought it was brilliant. I have never been called condescending before, so today was a new one for me. This afternoon, I took my mom to Starbuck's. It was our first day that my dad was back at the memory care center, and there are times we must leave the house for our own mental sanity. I love our local Starbuck's, but the interior is small. Meaning it is hard to get a table and chairs. If it was just me, I would sit anywhere, but when I am with my mom or both of my parents, I really need a table and chairs with backs. 

When we got into the store today, all the tables were taken. However, I saw a man sitting by himself at a table for four (two tables put together, with four chairs). So I went over to him and literally said in a kind manner....... Do you need both tables? I would really love to take one, pull it aside, so that my mom has a place to sit. Mind you I can't tell you how many times I do this on a weekly basis, and each time I ask people, they are usually very happy to accommodate the request, as they see my mom in tow. Want to know his response today? It was so noteworthy that everyone was watching us!

He said to me.... NO I will not give you the table, as you are very condescending. What makes you think with the way you are asking that I will give you a table. Then he went on to tell me that he has actually helped me in the past and accommodated my request. But he will no longer share his tables with me because he feels when I ask him that I have a superior tone. Literally I was in no mood for him today! I am dealing with so so much, and to be judged unfairly, truly was hurtful. 

Instead of getting into it with him, I basically said.... I hear you, and I will never bother you again with a table request. I then walked away. If my life wasn't crashing down besides me, I may have had the wherewithal to try to reason with him. But I myself am fragile. I have been beat figuratively to a pulp, so my compassionate meter is lower than usual. I am quite certain in the past, I would have apologized that he felt I had a tone and I would have tried to understand where he was coming from. But that is NO LONGER me! I am not sure if I will ever return to the former Vicki, because the current Vicki carries too much emotional hurt, baggage, and at this point I view everyone (who I don't know well) as having an agenda. Then I ask myself, where was his respect in talking to me or having an iota of concern for my mom and her physical needs?

When I went up to the counter to order my mom's tea, the staff behind the counter heard the upsetting conversation that just had taken place and their response to me was.... people! I am sure they get all kinds on a daily basis. Any case they started talking to me and we got into a conversation about other things, and I put this disgruntled individual out of my mind. Seems to me the best we can do when faced with an unfair or difficult person, who wishes to wrongly judge us, is to remove ourselves from the scene. There was nothing I could have said to him, that was going to back him down. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today marks the one year anniversary of Sunny's death. I still can't get over my boy is gone. There isn't a day I don't think about him. It is my hope that Sunny and Mattie have united in heaven, and that Mattie finally got the dog he always wanted. In memory of Sunny, I share some photos of his amazing life!

This was the photo I fell in love with on Facebook! When I adopted Sunny in 2016, I never met him! Instead, a friend of mine shared this photo with me on Facebook, as she knew I wanted to adopt a dog. Ironically Sunny got lots of likes on Facebook, but there wasn't as much interest in adopting a five year old dog. Most people want younger dogs. But I liked the notion that Sunny was more mature. I truly believe in love at first sight, because it happened with Sunny. I fell in love with his beautiful soulful eyes and his spots around his nose! 

Sunny and me! We successfully completed the good citizen certification and Sunny passed with flying colors. No surprise, as he was the best dog! Sunny got along with everyone. If Sunny had an issue with you, then it was a red flag to me, that something was wrong! 

Dog ownership means walking by day and night, in all kinds of weather! Sunny absolutely loved outdoor time. Not unlike Mattie. I can't tell you how many times we walked the National Mall with Mattie. After Mattie died, my ability to interact with the outside world declined! I had no interest! But in 2016, after adopting Sunny, I had to push through my feelings and open up and let the outside in! Which is why I always say......... I may have adopted Sunny, but Sunny rescued me. 

Sunny was featured as the dog of the week at his doggie day care. They listed Sunny as a Border Collie, but after genetic testing, we learned that Sunny was actually an Australian Shepherd! 

Sunny underwent physical therapy twice, for knee surgery. His therapist LOVED him. She called him the professor! Why? Because she felt Sunny was always analyzing and studying her! It was around Halloween and the therapist dressed Sunny up as a firefighter! 

Sunny always accompanied me on Mattie memorial days and holidays. Sunny visited Mattie's memorial tree often and was a good boy! He understood that going to the tree wasn't about walking and sniffing. It was about visiting, reflecting, and decorating. 

This was a classic Sunny pose. I would be working on Mattie Miracle tasks upstairs in my office. Sunny wanted to keep a bead on me (not unlike Mattie by the way) and also did not want to miss the opportunity to go out! Because when I would walk down the stairs, I would have to pass him, and he was there to remind me.... hey you have a dog and he wants to go out!

Scout, the handbag company, is based in Georgetown, Washington, DC. That day, I was picking up a Scout donation to the Foundation. When all the ladies saw Sunny, they made a big deal over him and wanted him featured in the photo! Sunny never turned down the attention!

What was Sunny doing!? Well he was trying to get my attention. That day he was in my office (Mattie's bedroom), and literally he would park himself right behind my desk chair. When he wanted me to stop working, he would roll over and give me this cute look! Who could resist!? 

The beauty of spring at our townhouse in Washington, DC. Sunny loved when we had the front door open and he could catch fresh breezes and be on the look out for squirrels who occasionally would visit our deck. 

I snapped this quintessential photo of Sunny! Nothing like spring time in Washington, DC and exploring it with Sunny. 

This red wagon was given to Mattie when he was in the hospital. I still have this wagon! This wagon carried Mattie and then it carried Sunny. This photo was taken during one of Sunny's knee surgery recovery periods. He couldn't walk, so when he needed to go out to relieve himself, he was wheeled out to the grass. 

Every September 8th, on the anniversary of Mattie's death, I would go to the hospital (where he was treated) and visit Mattie's memorial paver. Sunny was always with me and you can see that his paws were on Mattie's memorial paver. Sunny became a part of my Mattie legacy making! 

Sunny's groomer, LOVED him! She called him her Sunny Bunny! That July 4th, she dressed him up and sent me this amazing photo!

One of my favorites.... Sunny's downward dog (yoga pose)!

Every Sunny birthday was celebrated with a special baked treat! Sunny LOVED food and he never turned down a treat. 

Who says TV is just for humans? Sunny was transfixed with the image of a squirrel on TV. 

Sunny is captured in my heart and on canvas. 

This is the Sunny portrait that sits in my office now! He will never be forgotten, is missed every day, and the spirit he instilled in our home and hearts will always be cherished. 

Thursday, January 9, 2025

Thursday, January 9, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2006. Mattie was three years old and I snapped this photo of him on this adorable duck. This duck belonged to Peter and his brother. So basically this duck received a lot of love and use over the generations. This duck now sits in my office, with so many of my other Mattie legacy items. What a smile.... he lit up a room! 

Quote of the day: The only things you learn are the things you tame. ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Though my plan was to write about a totally different topic, the topic of persistence popped into my head. Why? Because tonight I met my match with my Dyson cordless vacuum. Funny, and yet NOT funny! Peter bought me this vacuum pretty soon after we moved into the house. So literally I have only had it for three years. Yet its battery has been failing, no matter how much I charge this thing, I can not vacuum for more than 2-3 minutes at a time. Last week, I got on line and started chatting with a Dyson service representative. He confirmed that the battery was going and I needed to purchase a new one. I debated.... do I buy a whole new machine or a new battery? After looking at the cost of the machine, I elected to replace the battery and hopefully that will solve my problem. The company sent me a video on how to change the battery and told me if I wasn't happy, I could return the battery without a problem. Also if you don't know me by now, let me clue you in.... I get attached to things. Especially things that are tied to people I love. Since Peter gave me this vacuum, a part of me can't part with it. 

So the replacement battery arrived today! I watched the how to video and the whole thing looked super easy. They even give you an Allen wrench and replacement screws! There were three screws to remove to get the old battery off the vacuum. Want to know how long this took me???? Try two hours. I was able to get two of the screws off the machine, but the third one was my nemesis. I was so frustrated that I was literally going to throw the whole vacuum out the window. But I took a deep breath and tried to solve the problem. I used WD 40 to try to loosen the screw and then I proceeded to try a screw driver and then because I was at my wit's end, I went to the basement and pulled out Peter's cordless drill. Mind you I have never used this thing before. So I first had to figure that out! Success! I figured it out and I now know how it works. Whenever I have to unscrew anything in the house, NO LONGER will I do it by hand, I am using this gadget. 

But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get this screw loose. So at which point, I realized I needed help. Naturally my first instinct is to call Peter. It is hard to break a 35 year pattern. I did not do that, which I suppose is progress on my part. Not normal progress and not progress I am happy about, but nonetheless progress. I couldn't call a friend, because most of them are too far away. Instead, I text messaged my next door neighbor. I told him the problem and he and his wife invited me over, and I brought my vacuum in tow. Besides getting the help that I needed, I was surrounded by a lovely family and got to hear normal every day conversation, and to be included and respected. 

My neighbor and his daughter worked on my machine and within minutes, they got the screw loose, and then they replaced my old battery with the new one that came in the mail. The moral of tonight's story is it pays to have persistence and to also have the courage to reach out to others when I need help. My divorce has left me alone to manage the impossible. For the most part, I try to solve issues myself, because I have vowed never to be reliant on anyone else again! But there are times, when I don't have the physical strength to do certain things, and I am cognizant of my limitations. 

What I do know is if Mattie were alive, he would be my go to person. Mattie understood the mechanics of things from age two. I always marveled how he would go to our kitchen drawer, pull out a screw driver and disassemble his toys. Literally he could take his toys apart and put them back together. Who does this at age 2? Mattie! It is no wonder that I called him my "little engineer." With each developmental stage of my life, the loss of Mattie changes and other issues arise. When I was younger, the notion of not having the day to day mothering tasks was crushing. Now, I am more focused on my own aging and the loss of Mattie reverberates in my mind on a daily basis, especially as I am the full time caregiver to my parents. If Mattie were alive, I have NO DOUBT, he would be helping me both physically and emotionally, because we had that kind of special connection. A connection that will always be missed, even when I reflect on changing the battery of a cordless vacuum. 

Wednesday, January 8, 2025

Wednesday, January 8, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2009. I remember this day like it were yesterday. Mattie was invited to two birthday parties in one day. That wouldn't be a problem for most kids who were 6 years old, but Mattie was home between chemotherapy treatments and his energy level was different from his peers. In addition, Mattie was wheelchair bound and had no hair. Mattie was keenly aware of his differences. There were several children at both of the parties who did not know him and they did not know his cancer story. So there were lots of glances and fears and helping Mattie navigate social situations, while also making other children around him comfortable, was a balancing act. 

Quote of the day: In order to empathize with someone's experience, you must be willing to believe them as they see it and not how you imagine their experience to be. ~ Brene Brown

In response to Sunday's, January 5th, posting my support angel sent me the passage below from Ernest Hemingway......................... 

When people talk, listen completely. Don’t be thinking what you’re going to say. Most people never listen. Nor do they observe. You should be able to go into a room and when you come out know everything that you saw there and not only that. If that room gave you any feeling you should know exactly what it was that gave you that feeling.  

It’s a rare and profound gift to be fully present with someone, and yet, it’s something so few of us truly offer. Most people only half-listen, their minds already formulating their next words, distracted by their own thoughts, or zoning out entirely.

Imagine how powerful it would be if we listened more deeply—if we made a commitment to being fully engaged, to hearing and understanding not just the words, but the emotions and intentions behind them. Listening isn’t just about waiting for your turn to speak; it’s about absorbing what someone else is sharing and making them feel heard, valued, and understood. It’s about connecting on a level deeper than surface conversations, because when you truly listen, you open a door to empathy and genuine connection. And isn’t that what we’re all really longing for?

Beyond listening, there is also the art of observing, of truly noticing the world around you. When you walk into a room, take a moment to soak in everything. Notice the details—the way the sunlight filters through the windows, the color of the walls, the expressions on people’s faces, the way someone is nervously tapping their foot or laughing with their eyes more than their mouth. Most of us rush through spaces, our minds preoccupied and our eyes barely registering what’s in front of us. But there’s magic in paying attention, in being mindful of the small details that make every moment unique.

Think of the room not just as a physical space, but as an experience. Every room has a mood, a feeling, an energy. It could be the coziness of a room filled with laughter, the tension of a space where a difficult conversation just took place, or the warmth of a place that holds beautiful memories. The more we tune in to these subtle feelings, the more deeply we can understand our surroundings and the people in them. What gave you that feeling? Was it the way someone’s eyes lit up when they smiled? The scent of freshly brewed coffee that brought a sense of comfort? Or perhaps the distant echo of a song that stirred up a forgotten memory?

Being observant and emotionally aware in this way takes practice, but it also transforms the way you move through life. You become more sensitive, more attuned, more aware. You start to notice the way a friend’s voice softens when they’re talking about something they love, or the slight shift in someone’s tone when they’re hiding something. You begin to see and feel things that others miss entirely, and that awareness can lead to a richer, more connected experience of the world.

It’s a beautiful thing to be a person who listens with their heart, who observes deeply, and who feels fully. It means you’re not just drifting through life; you’re living it intentionally. You’re soaking in the fullness of each moment, aware of the beauty and complexity around you. It means you understand people better, because you’ve made the effort to see and hear them, to pick up on the nuances of their being. It means you can be the kind of person whose presence feels calming, because people know you’re truly there with them, not just waiting for your turn to talk or half-heartedly engaging.

So, when you’re in conversation, let go of the urge to plan your next statement. Take a breath, relax your mind, and give the person speaking your undivided attention. Let yourself be present, fully. When you walk into a room, slow down and really see it. Observe the details, feel the energy, notice the small things that make that moment unique. You’ll find that life becomes richer, fuller, and more meaningful when you learn to listen and observe completely. It’s not just about hearing words or seeing objects—it’s about feeling the fullness of everything around you. It’s about experiencing life, deeply and completely.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I read Hemingway's words, my immediate reaction was..... EXACTLY! He was spot on. I have always tried to aspire to the person he is describing. As I feel connecting with people doesn't mean just filling up space and throwing out words. It means absorbing subtleties, non-verbals, expressions, and of course trying to understand the feelings and the undertones of the words being conveyed to me. Throughout my entire married life, Peter always would say to me..... you have a gift. You can make each person who talks with you feel like they are the only one present in the room. Meaning that I had a way of making people feel special, important, and cared about. I always viewed that as the highest compliment. I do not act this way because I have an ulterior motive. I act this way because I am genuinely interested and care about people. 

I have always been the kind of person who absorbs everything around me. If a room can have feelings, then I assure you I am absorbing those feelings. I can instantly assess a room and the mood within it. I could do this as far back as my childhood. Which may explain when school was over for the day, I never left after dismissal (this would drive my mom crazy). Why? Because people would stop me, want to talk, and somehow even as a pre-teen, I was investing in helping people try to solve or cope with their issues. I gravitated to helping people and it was through my involvement and support of others that I found my passion for life. Helping others has always been my compass. 

What if we all lived our lives like Hemingway is suggesting? I have a feeling the world would be a happier place. People would feel heard, understood, valued, and feel connected to something bigger than themselves. May we all not just drift through life, but live it intentionally. It is something to aspire to and what I have found is by making this investment in others, it can further your own growth, development, and humanity. 

My support angel did not just send me this Hemingway passage, but she also said.............................

You know how some teachers leave an impression on a person for the rest of their lives, and perhaps change the course of their lives? That's you. You leave an indelible impression on people who see you care for children with cancer, who see you care for your parents, and people don't forget this. From Starbucks, to the workmen who help you with your plumbing, etc. You leave your mark on them. That's way more than most of us do. You are like Hemingway. You listen and are actively engaged with those you come in contact with. You are present and that is a tremendous legacy. 

When I read the statement above, it was at a fragile moment this week. I was so moved by these words, that they made me cry. My support angel and I have NEVER met one another, yet we understand each other! I am so honored that someone I have never met in person, could understand my core values and how I try to live my life. 

Today I had to get out of the house. I couldn't take it one more minute. My dad has been home all week because of the snow, and my mom and I were getting stir crazy. So I took them to Starbucks. Mind you I put a shovel in the car, because I knew when I parked I would have to shovel snow and clear a pathway to the curb. WHICH I ACTUALLY HAD TO DO, because I don't want my parents walking on any sort of snow. When we got to Starbucks, the world seemed to be in there. I left my dad in the car, until I secured a table and chairs, as he doesn't do well waiting or standing. However, there was no place to sit. There was no way I was going to head back home either. So I went up to the counter and chatted with the staff. Since this Starbucks is like my Cheers, everyone in there knows me. Within seconds, the staff went to the back room and pulled out their lunch table and chairs for us. This kindness is deeply appreciated and I believe when we invest in others (as I always ask about them, their lives, their schooling, etc), they invest in us too. 

Tuesday, January 7, 2025

Tuesday, January 7, 2025 --Mattie died 796 weeks ago today. 

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2009. This was the keyboard Jerry and Nancy (our amazing music volunteers at the hospital) gave Mattie. This keyboard would be transported back and forth between the hospital and home. In this particular photo, Mattie was home and one of his teachers from school came over to give him a piano lesson. Mattie really wanted to learn to play the piano, and I used to love when he would sit on our piano bench and compose pieces off the top of his head. He would take this very seriously, as he would sit on the bench, with his eyes closed, his hands on the keys and he would just start playing. It was almost as if the music was some how channeled from his brain to the keys!

Quote of the day: All reality about me now appeared to be in tatters, taken down and reduced to the civil war of its particles. I held on very, very tight indeed. Because in addition to that feeling, that disintegration, there was rage. I wanted to break something. ~ Sebastian Faulks

Tonight's blog posting was going to be a continuation of last night's, focused on memories! But I decided I am too distraught to discuss memories. So I will push that notion off until tomorrow night! As tonight's quote points out, when so distraught and feeling like you are going to have an emotional breakdown, what do you do? 

My dad's memory care center has been closed all week. I just learned that it is closed tomorrow too, as schools are still shut down because of the snow. When I tell you that I HATE snow, I am not kidding. Snow symbolizes isolation and being quarantined. For me, not getting out of the house is truly detrimental to my health. Yes I am a full time caregiver, but with snow days, my caregiving duties magnify ten fold. 

I was plugging away doing all sorts of tasks today from cooking, cleaning, to Foundation work. However, when I learned that my dad's memory center is going to be closed again tomorrow, I practically had a meltdown. I truly do not understand how my life has been torn to pieces. I do not understand how I am not married, and I do not understand how I did not see any of this coming. I am not sure I ever will and the angst this causes within me some days is immeasurable. 

I have devoted my life to those I love. Though I may not earn an income, I have never been idle. It isn't in my nature. Whether that be running Mattie Miracle (without taking a salary), to being a mom, wife, and family caregiver, I have always worked hard. But I have NO MONEY to show for it. Some how society views people like me as inconsequential. Not successful, and instead I am reminded often that, I have "never worked." All I know is, when someone tells me I have never worked, I want to jump off the roof. If I should list what I accomplish in any given day, this may give a person pause. 

My entire life feels like it has been out of my control. One of the key defining moments in my life, was when my dad took a job in California. Whether I wanted to move or not, we did in 1984. I really feel like that move changed the trajectory of my life. I missed the East coast and in essence the move to California influenced my college decision. I wanted to return to New York, and did just that for college. Then it was at college that I met my husband. But what if we did not move to California when I was in high school? What if I never went to college in New York? Do you ever play these what if games? While walking through one door in life, we truly do not know what will come next and the consequences of that simple decision. But I have learned the hard way in life, that every decision has consequences. Most of them for me have been negative.

I am saddened and disillusioned that I face life alone. That I face each day with enormous roles and responsibilities, and frankly whether I am caregiving or not, I feel that my life is over. The future I may have imagined (and trust me it took YEARS for me to come to terms with a future without Mattie) is gone. I am tired, simply tired, and feeling distraught enough to have a breakdown. But in my household my needs, have never taken precedence.  

Switching gears..... given that I knew we would be home for days because of the snow, I bought a roasting chicken. I cooked it on Monday, and we have been working our way through this bird.

This afternoon, I used the chicken carcass to make homemade soup. My parents love soup in the winter months. So I always try to make sure I have a supply on hand.