Thursday, September 3, 2026

Thursday, September 3, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2008. That was our first month in the hospital. I remember this photo and moment in time like it were yesterday. Mattie's cousins came into town and visited him at the hospital. It was Labor Day weekend, which is the WORST time to be at a hospital because weekends and holidays are like a ghost town. Mattie's nurse allowed us to go outside to the hospital rose garden on the second floor of the complex. This outdoor space was our only escape from the smells and noises of the hospital. In any case, Mattie was standing outside the medical library, which had all sorts of rocks around the entrance. Mattie picked one up and was showing his cousin. To this day, I have a very large stone that Mattie took from that garden. It props open my bedroom door! Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't let Mattie take the stone, but having cancer, made many of my typical rules and guidance go right out the window. 

Quote of the day: The greatest gift of the garden is the restoration of the five senses. ~ Hanna Rion

Each morning this week, I wake up and feel like I won't be able to function today. However, thankfully once I get moving, that feeling passes. I had to take my dad to the foot doctor today so he could get measured for shoes. He qualifies for shoes once a year through Medicare because he has diabetes. That may sound nice, but the hoops and hurdles I have to jump to comply with their regulations make it almost NOT worth doing. Medicare requires that my dad be assessed by his primary care doctor 30 days before applying for the shoes. My dad can't see the doctor virtually and the appointment can't address anything other than his diabetes. So in essence I have to drag my dad to the doctor's office for this one specific appointment. What I find beyond hysterical is that there is a whole paper trail from all my dad's recent hospitalizations that verify he has diabetes! Does Medicare honestly think that at age 91, his diabetes is going to spontaneously disappear!? Okay, so once that hurdle is behind us, the next one ensues. I then had to take my dad to the foot doctor to get his feet measured (using an i-pad, which makes a 3-D mold of his feet). This appointment has to be a separate one from his September nail care appointment. What Medicare has no appreciation for is how difficult it is to move my dad from one place to other, just to get their paperwork completed. I think it is criminal, because by the time a patient gets into their 90s, it would be very easy for Medicare to pull my dad's records and see..... indeed he has diabetes and is being treated for it. 

In addition to balancing everything else, I now have a list of plumbing issues that I want to get addressed. They aren't big, but annoying enough. Such as, my dad's toilet no longer refills automatically (and we bought that toilet in 2022!). I tried to google why this is happening and what to do about it, but I concluded.... nope! I do not know what I am doing and I need a plumber. I loved my plumber, Cody. However, he has left the company I have a service contract with, so today, whenever I am in a quandary, I reach out to Bob, my electrician. I met Bob in 2021, shortly after we bought the house. Bob and his team spent months at my house, correcting all the faulty wiring. My joke was I saw him more than my own family! Any case, within seconds, Bob text messaged back and I have him and my new plumber on the books for September 22, as Bob had to come back this month anyway to fix all my under counter kitchen lights. I am so grateful that I have a team of amazing guys to help me with the house, because otherwise I would be up a creek. 

As the day wore on, that low emotional feeling hit me. I get these at times, when my brain almost goes into panic mode, where I can't believe I am divorced, I don't know how I am going to manage, and I have all sorts of fears about my future. 

While dealing with those feelings, there was a knock on my door! My friend Carolyn sent me sunflowers in honor of Mattie's approaching 17th anniversary of his death. Sunflowers are symbolic of Team Mattie and to me these are a glorious vision. The way I survive my countless traumatic losses, is I take it one day at a time. I stop myself from worrying about next month, next year, or ten years from now. Today, I just appreciate my sunflowers and the time I spent in the garden weeding and watering. 

Wednesday, September 2, 2026

Wednesday, September 2, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2006. Mattie was four years old and was having a great time at Legoland. Legoland had to be Mattie's favorite theme park to visit, mainly because he loved all things Lego. That day, Mattie climbed aboard a fire engine made out of those wonderful bricks. I will never forget Mattie's adventures in San Diego and how he brought new life, energy, and curiosity to all of us. 

Quote of the day: How beautiful a day can be when kindness touches it! ~ George Elliston

It was another early morning for me, as I had to get the process going because I had a dental appointment in the city at 11am. In order for me to get to that appointment on time, I was up at 6am and moving like the wind. While sitting at the breakfast table with my parents, my phone rang. It was Sandy, my mortgage assumption closing agent. The first things she said was..... congratulations! After four months, I finally have completed the mortgage assumption! We chatted a bit and she understands I am concerned about my home owner's insurance and a couple of other things. But this was the first act of kindness for the day! It is going to take me at least a month to lose that anxiety feeling every time my phone rings! I have been jumping through all sorts of hoops to get this mortgage, and the process was arduous.

Things were moving along beautifully this morning, until I went to get my dad into the car to head to his memory care center. His needed to use the bathroom. His timing always coincides to when he has to get up and move. This bathroom routine set me back by 15 minutes. Once I got my dad to his memory care center, I hopped on the highway to head into the city.

My dentist is located near where I used to live in the city. Now to get to that office, it takes me 40 minutes of driving each way. Sure I could find another dentist, but connections and loyalty mean a lot to me. I have been going to this practice for 30 years. Therefore, I am not likely to change! There was traffic on the highway and it was at that point, I could feel a migraine approaching. I did not have my medication with me, so instead, I had to mentally work through the symptoms and pain. I did arrive in the city and entered the parking garage near my doctor's office. To my surprise, the parking attendant who I had gotten to know over the last five years, was NO LONGER there! Why? Guess!!???? 

If you guessed that they did away with a human attendant, then you get a gold star. I am sick of computers, automation, and don't get me started on AI. Computers can't and should never replace the human connection. So I was already running late to my appointment, but then had to figure out how to get into the garage. There was a gate and next to the gate was an automated system that asked for my cell phone number. There was literally a man trying to get out of the garage and the gate wouldn't open to let him out. He was beyond frustrated and I wasn't far behind. We commiserated! After I put my cell number into the automated system the gate opened. 

By the time I got to my dentist's office, I could see that I received a text message from the garage gate company. It knew my license plate and asked me to register my car with their system. I really did not want to do this, but I could see the trouble the man at the gate was having trying to get out of the garage without using the app. Since my parents use the same dentist, I deduced, I had no choice but to comply. So I created an account, which was linked to my credit card. This kind of stuff always makes me edgy and in the past, I would be calling my other half in a panic, seeking guidance on what to do. Another thing about being divorced that I hate..... I lost my wing man! 

Any case, today, I was shown three acts of kindness! The first one was Sandy's call. Here was the second.....Every couple of years, my dentist takes a full set of x-rays! I hate the whole process and the cost. Today, Annie (my hygienist) told me that she and my dentist were going to comp my x-rays. Why do I think they were doing this? They did this because they admire that I am a full-time caregiver, that I run a non-profit that helps children with cancer, and that I took a serious financial hit with my divorce. Needless to say, I was very happy not to pay $300 for x-rays. Annie and the dentist know that my appointments are my respite. Crazy as that sounds! It is the only moment where I am not running around and dealing with caregiving tasks. Instead, someone is working on me. Typically Annie knows I love rat pack music, but today, as we were chatting about Dolly Parton, I told Annie.... let's listen to Dolly! Which we did! 

After my appointment, I got back in the car and had to navigate through the city to get back home to my mom. I was once very comfortable in the city, as it was my home for over 20 years, but now, I truly do not recognize it. In fact, there is a hole in the ground, where my other half's office used to be. It was shocking and my favorite sandwich shop was also leveled! So much for progress. 

When I drive through my old neighborhood now, I almost feel like I am having an outer body experience, because my life looked one way there and now it is completely different.   

When I got home, I dealt with laundry, fed Indie, and did some other chores. But my mom was ready to go out, so I turned it around and took her out for tea. Starbuck's was busy today, and my mom needs a table and chair in order to be comfortable. To my surprise more acts of kindness ensued! First, a young man held the door open for me as we approached the store. He saw I was holding and guiding my mom with one arm as I was holding a bag and her jacket and blanket in the other. Then another man, a customer, jumped up and moved a table and two chairs over for us to use. I was beyond shocked and very grateful, because usually I am running around the store asking people to share their table and chairs. Ironically every now and then, I get a customer who yells at me when I make the request to share a table! Some days I am just tired of running around and advocating. 

I am grateful today for Sandy, for my dentist's office, and the two men I encountered at Starbuck's who weren't looking for anything other than to be helpful. Acts of unexpected kindness can indeed turn one's heart and mind around in an instant.   

Tuesday, September 1, 2026

Tuesday, September 1, 2026 -- Mattie died 861 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2004. Mattie was two years old and he was visiting my parents in Los Angeles. I snapped this photo because Mattie found my sandals, put them on, and was walking all over the house in them! Check out that priceless smile!!! You can practically feel his laughter and energy from this photo. 

Quote of the day: Companionship is more than a presence, it’s a steady, compassionate embrace that walks beside you, through every season of caregiving and beyond. ~ Beth M. Sutherland

This morning, I woke up at 5:30am. I had to get up this early because Steve, my outdoor guru, was coming at 8am to help me with outdoor lighting issues and the pool of water collecting in my front yard from a broken downspout. As a caregiver, I am unable to just get up and manage myself and Steve. NO, I have to think about the cat, making breakfast, cleaning up the house, and timing things just right so that I could get my dad up, toileted, showered, dressed and downstairs for his therapy appointment at 11am. 

I spent about an hour with Steve and learned what the issues were and thankfully, Steve was able to fix everything. I am convinced there is nothing he can't fix! But to say that I am tired would be an understatement. 

My cousin Maureen, sent me a YouTube video the other day (below). The video discusses Dolly Parton's role as a caregiver to her ailing husband and highlights the toll caregiving took on her body and spirit. In fact, Dolly died 18 months after her husband, Carl Dean, died. Research indicates that when a spouse dies, the remaining caregiving spouse can die 12-18 months after. Why? Because the loss of a long term partner is emotionally traumatic on top of the grueling and debilitating tasks a caregiver performed for years. As the researcher in the video highlights, the severe trauma of such a loss can impact the cardiovascular system and therefore the surviving spouse maybe faced with heart issues or a stroke. But there is a psychosocial component to such a traumatic loss such as a collapse in routine. The survivor is no longer caregiving. It is an immediate loss in all caregiving tasks (showering, dressing, toileting, shuttling to medical appointments, medication management, wound care, providing mental and social stimulation, etc), and a loss in one's long term and trusted social partner. But in addition to all these massive losses, there is a loss of purpose and this has one questioning the will to live.

Many people think that once our caregiving role is over, there is relief! There is freedom, and things go back to normal. NO, NO, and NO! When caregiving has been your identify for years, when you aren't doing it anymore, you become directionless, isolated, confused, and can spiral downhill.  

Though this video is talking about caregiving and its overwhelming physical and financial toll on the caregiver, I couldn't help but equate his discussion on traumatic loss to my loss of Mattie and my loss of my marriage. I may not have lost a spouse to death, but divorce in some ways for me is even worse and I would have to say the emotional impact is quite similar. 

When Mattie died, I went from around the clock caregiving for 14 months straight, sleeping maybe two hours a night, to NOTHING. On September 8, 2009, I lost my identity, I lost my role as a caregiver and mom, and all I saw was a blank, grey, and uninhabitable world. Once Mattie died, my body started falling apart. While caring for Mattie, I was on constant hyper alert and blocked out all my pains, symptoms and issues. I imagine this is how our military members can keep going regardless of the toxicity they are facing. Mattie's journey gave me a glimpse into the power of the body and how we can train ourselves to endure incredible stress and sleep deprivation. However, once the threat was over, then my body and mind, crashed! I faced chronic urinary track infections, fatigue, and had no interest or desire to live. I am not sure how I survived that bleakness, but being married and sharing that loss was definitely less isolating. 

As tonight's quote points out, there is great strength in companionship. I miss having my lifelong companion. Now I carry the loss of Mattie, I carry the daily routine of caring for my parents, and I carry my painful divorce alone. What I like about this video, is it gives us a glimpse into Dolly Parton the wife. A woman who took a hands-on caregiving role and as a result we are all left to seeing the consequences. A traumatic loss can even take down a massive music legend. This should give us all pause. 

As this research highlights, the chronic stress I live with, floods my body with stress hormones, which can have long term consequences on my immune system, blood pressure, and cellular aging. I end tonight's posting by saying.... THANK YOU to all the family caregivers out there, who provide unpaid love, support, and care to a child or adult, YOU ARE AMAZING and our society should be indebted to you.   

This video is only about 24 minutes and it is worth a watch.............................

Monday, August 31, 2026

Monday, August 31, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2003. Mattie was 16 months old and he was in love with his books. Especially books that had little windows that would open up! Right next to our couch, I used to have a big basket filled with all sorts of books. Mattie loved going to the bin and pulling out books, looking at them, stacking them, and of course he loved when we read them together. The book you see here was a Sesame Street book, and you may see Elmo (the red character) on the page. Mattie absolutely loved Elmo. Whenever he heard Elmo on TV, Mattie would stop in his tracks and became very focused on what Elmo had to say. These were priceless moments, with a precious boy. 

Quote of the day: How does it feel, to see a dying child? One does not feel at all for there is nothing in the mind to make sense of it. Nothing, but one's own death. ~  A.J. West

Several of my friends recently asked me how do I manage nasty comments posted on this blog? Specially, they were curious how I handle this emotionally. It is a good question, and naturally being human, I can view the comments as cruel, mean spirited, and therefore can get pangs of pain. But at the end of the day, I know who I am. I know what our incredible mother-son bond looked and felt like, and I also know that the loss of a child to cancer is not understood by every person. THANKFULLY, as I would hate for you to experience this nightmare!

One of my friends was so incensed by the blog comment that I recently received, that she wanted me to print it out and burn it. She was just so heart broken with this comment that she did not know what to do with herself. I get it, but unlike her, I have been living with this pain for 17 years. So nasty comments are just that.... words. The real nightmare was Mattie's diagnosis and death, after experiencing those things, and knowing how I gave Mattie's care my all, no one can get under my skin about Mattie, our relationship, or my continued need to reflect on the beauty of his life. Newsflash..... the loss of a child is a forever loss. It isn't a Vicki thing, instead, I invite you to find any parent who lost a child to cancer, and you will uncover a story, a mission, and the need to share lifelong memories. If you can't appreciate this need, then congratulations..... that means you have never experienced a traumatic loss (yet!).   

Today, I took my mom to the city for her hair and nail appointments. When I walked into the salon, I literally couldn't remember whether I had a haircut appointment today or not. I felt so tired, dazed, and confused. The salon owner and staff know about my caregiving journey, and they have great compassion for my daily role. A role I have served for five years without a day's break. Thankfully I did not have a hair appointment today, because frankly I have to be mentally in the mood for this. Some days I can't sit still and most days I am not interested in focusing on myself and my needs. 

The salon is located in Washington, DC. I lived there for over 20 years as a married woman and then mother. Whenever I visit that location, I am immediately transported back into my former life. I get flashbacks of our trips to the Kennedy Center, to our local pizza restaurant, our walks by the Potomac River, and of course my time as a student and then part time faculty member at the George Washington University. Cognitively it is very hard, and I mean very hard, rationalizing that this was my life at one time, and now my life looks completely different. I did not think it was possible to decimate my life any more after losing Mattie, but clearly I was mistaken. 

When I got home this afternoon, I started putting together the photo ornaments I am creating for Mattie's memorial tree. Here is an example!

Sunday, August 30, 2026

Sunday, August 30, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2002. Mattie was four months old and one of my college friends sent me this large entertainment saucer! At first, I wasn't happy with this enormous gift that took up my small living room, but then I grew to love it! I loved it because it engaged Mattie, he enjoyed standing on his feet, turning around in the seat (as it could turn 360 degrees), and playing with all the items in front of him. Most of the times Mattie wanted me to carry him around with me, but sometimes I needed my hands to do things around the house. This entertainment saucer enabled me some freedom and Mattie some independence. 

Quote of the day: A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked. ~ Bernard Meltzer

As it is Sunday, I took my parents out to lunch today. We visit the same restaurants on Saturday and Sunday. Therefore, I have gotten to know most of the people who work at both establishments. I can't tell you what a difference this makes, as people understand my parent's needs and they truly try to make their visit a positive one. Today, I pulled up to the restaurant, and parked the car right in front of the door, and left my blinkers on. I helped both of my parents out of the car and to the table. This particular restaurant has a set of heavy double doors, and normally it is a show trying to hold my mom, bags, and jackets in one hand and guide my dad with the other. A family who was dining at the restaurant took one look at what I was juggling and they ran to the doors to assist me. That may not sound like a big deal, but to me it was the greatest gift. As it is almost impossible managing this on my own.

Given that my dad does no talking at all and my mom is glued to her phone, having people around me who see us weekly liven things up. As I land up talking to different servers and many of the managers. I know about their lives and they know about mine. This is one of the many things I miss about not being married. I miss the camaraderie, the emotional support, and working as a team to take on life's challenges. Certainly I can manage things on my own..... these past three years prove that, but I am a person who loves deep connections and my deepest connection was severed. Therefore in many ways my lens on the world is grayer. 

On September 8, it will be the 17th anniversary of Mattie's death. I now visit Mattie's tree alone, as well as carry his legacy alone. I have been thinking about what I wish to place on Mattie's tree this year, and I remembered a memory tree I used to pass on my walks in Washington, DC with Sunny. Within the West End community of Washington, DC, was a townhouse and outside the house was a small bush. I remember passing the bush and noticing shiny things on it, but it wasn't until I crossed the street and came closer to the bush did I realize what was on it..... it was a tree in the memory of a beautiful woman who died. There were about twenty photos of this woman on the tree! I didn't know the woman, nor did I know any of the people grieving. But every time I passed that tree, I reflected on this woman's life and the loss that the people in that house must have felt. The image of the memory tree always remained with me, so now I decided I am going to adopt that tradition and hang photos of Mattie on his memorial tree at his school. I ordered prints yesterday and I got plastic coverings for them on Amazon. I will work on assembling them this week and visit the tree next weekend.

Saturday, August 29, 2026

Saturday, August 29, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2002. Mattie was four months old and though he looked like he was sitting in his stroller, he wasn't! Mattie was in his faithful car seat which I popped into the stroller. When I tell you we bought about three different strollers, I am not kidding! Regardless of the shape or type of stroller, Mattie hated all of them. But his car seat, he loved! I honestly do not know what I would have done without his car seat. Mattie ate in it and he even loved sleeping in it at night! 

Quote of the day: Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It’s not something you learn in school. But if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship, you haven’t really learned anything. ~ Muhammad Ali

This morning, I was sitting down at our breakfast table and I could hear someone was at my front door. It was my graduate school friend, Mary Ann. I have known Mary Ann for decades and we have been through many ups and downs with each other. Yet both of us are the kind of person who would never walk away from a friend. 

Mary Ann and I faithfully watch Lexington Scoop Co, which is a viral digital content channel that creates humorous, AI-generated mock interviews and satirical comedy series starring talking cats and dogs. Ironically I was introduced to this series by my friend in England. Yes it took someone across the pond to introduce something to me happening in the USA. I then introduced the series to Mary Ann. 

The cats in the series are true characters! Almost human like with bold personalities, clothing, clever names (such as Mittens Malone, Slick Sal, Bella Biscuit Bottom), and dialogue. In any case, whenever someone asks me who my favorite cat in the series is, my response is Ronnie. Ronnie is in essence a tough guy. He is a born leader, he's bold, and gets into trouble. But he always finds a way out! My friend in England is stunned that I relate to Ronnie, because Ronnie and I are like night and day. I follow the rules and the law.... unlike my pal Ronnie. Yet as I say all the time.... there is an inner Ronnie inside of me. 

Any case, today, Mary Ann surprised me with my own Ronnie (who is a "local problem" in his NYC alley) mug! I absolutely love it, because Mary Ann knows I could use a Ronnie in my life to manage several of my problems! 

We were having such a good time chatting, that we went out to lunch together today. Mary Ann was excellent stimulation for my parents, as there is so much I can do each and every day and now Mary Ann has experienced our Saturday hang out at the diner. 

Here is a video from LexingtonScoopCo. Within this video, you will see Ronnie and some of the cats. Just to put this into context, these cat supposedly live in a NYC alley. Leading up to the episode below, the cats found a placemat from a Chuck E. Cheese restaurant in the NYC alley. However, the cats believe the placemat is a treasure map. They were determined to find the treasure from this map and therefore tracked down a Chuck E. Cheese restaurant and headed inside to find the actual treasure! It is a light hearted and fun series and given the nature of our world today, levity and fun are greatly needed!

Friday, August 28, 2026

Friday, August 28, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2006. I will never forget our visit to the USS Midway in San Diego. It was an amazing aircraft carrier that has been turned into a museum. Mattie loved ships and we just knew he'd love to walk aboard this giant ship and explore many of its levels. It was a day to remember!

Quote of the day: That was when I learned that kindness could break a heart just as sure as meanness. The difference was the kindness made that broken heart softer. Meanness just made the heart want to be hard. ~ Susie Finkbeiner

As many of you know, I have been writing this blog daily for 18 years! That is a lot of writing and for many of you that is A LOT of reading. In all those years, I never, I am mean NEVER received a nasty comment from a reader in any of my postings. The nasty comments began when I became separated and unfortunately they just keep on coming. Which is why, a few years ago, I changed settings on the blog so that comments do not automatically post each night. I have to moderate all comments now.  

For example, on my August 25 blog posting, I received this comment................

"Get the f* up. Your son died years ago. He left you most likely for this." 

Normally I do not respond to comments. This one however, deserves commentary. Mainly because anyone who thinks it is alright to tell a bereaved mom that her child's loss means nothing now, because it happened years ago, is way off base. The loss of a child is not finite, parents carry this with them forever, and the loss impacts every day, phase, and milestone in a mom's life. As horrific and insensitive as that comment was, to say that my son left me because of who I am as a person, is way off base and deeply insulting.

My blog is not mandatory reading. If I annoy you, if processing my journey with Mattie's cancer and death doesn't resonate with you, and you aren't interested in my reflections, thoughts, and feelings as I cope with my divorce, then I respect that and welcome you to find other blogs that meet your needs and interests.

It is comments like this that make me wonder...... what kind of world are we living in?! This week, my mom and I have been engrossed in the Lindsay Clancy trial. For those of you not following along, this is a mom who is 36 years old, was a labor and delivery nurse, and in January of 2023, killed her three children (ages 5, 3, and 8 months). She strangled each of them and left them for dead in the basement, while her husband was out running errands. When I heard about the Clancy trial, a part of me just couldn't comprehend a mother killing her children, even a mom suffering from mental health issues. More than one in five adults in the USA lives with a mental health issue, and most definitely this is a crisis that needs to be discussed. Questions, concerns, and doubts about the healthcare system need to be addressed. But the majority of people with mental health issues understand right from wrong, and it is a slippery slope when we allow issues to be used as excuses for unthinkable behavior. 

Motherhood is hard. Very hard! It challenges every aspect of your existence. It is a 24/7 job, it is exhausting, and most of the times you receive very little positive feedback for this tireless role. That said, I would hope that if a mom is struggling, that others would see this and offer help or that she would ask family members or friends to take the children for a while until things stabilized. From my personal experience, once I became a mom, the instinct to care and protect Mattie took over. Even when I had post partum depression, I may have been overwhelmed and had bouts of crying hysterically, yet meeting Mattie's needs always came first! I am still protective of Mattie and his memory now, which is why his Foundation will always be a top priority for me. 

Yet from the Lindsay Clancy case, what I am noticing on social media is that countless women are relating to her issues and have great sympathy for her choice to kill her children. Many are even saying that they are just like Lindsay. This to me is shocking, especially since I would do anything to bring Mattie back into my life. To me life is precious and children are helpless and innocent. They need our love, guidance, and protection. Having a child is a gift and a miracle. I just wish women like Lindsay Clancy knew bereaved moms like me. As I truly believe so many bereaved moms would rise to the occasion to help raise children coming from these vulnerable home environments in order to keep them safe, until their moms could get the help that is needed. I am very passionate about the rights and welfare of children and I could see the development of a non-profit pairing up bereaved moms with moms who are vulnerable. Seeing the beautiful faces of Lindsay Clancy's children is absolutely heart breaking and it makes me ill knowing the fear and terror these children experienced as they took their last breaths. May we as a society absorb this case, learn from this case, and never forget the three innocent lives lost through this great tragedy. 

Thursday, August 27, 2026

Thursday, August 27, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2007. I remember taking this adorable photo! We went out to eat on the island of Coronado (San Diego). The restaurant faced the water and Mattie was thrilled because he could order pizza. This was such a happy moment. The loss of Mattie has changed my entire life, as I lost my identity of being a mom, I lost the ability to see Mattie grow up and find his way in the world, and I lost the opportunity to eventually be a grandparent. Now of course I also see the changes in my parents, and that too is humbling. 

Quote of the day: I make a point to appreciate all the little things in my life. I go out and smell the air after a good, hard rain. These small actions help remind me that there are so many great, glorious pieces of good in the world. ~ Dolly Parton

I started my day at 5am. I had to get up that early in order to get things done before my electrician, Bob, came at 8am. Bob is a morning person! He was at my house before 8am, and ironically he lives over an hour away from me. I asked Bob to help me change some outdoor light timers which burned out and to replace part of my under counter kitchen lights, as many are no longer working. In fact, when I saw Bob in June, he had me order the kitchen string light replacements. Turns out the lights he had me order were the wrong ones. Which meant I had to return them on Amazon. However, my return window expired. That did not stop me, as I got on Amazon chat and as always they assisted me and gave me a refund. But this time, I wasn't going to order the lights without Bob being present. Bob had me order them from his company's warehouse and I got the contractor price. So that means at some point when the lights come in, it's another early morning. 

Bob did help me with the outdoor timers, but he left me with the manuals to program them. God help me. I read the manual for 40 minutes and who knows if they will actually turn on tonight. I most likely screwed it up and will have to go back at it. It is times like this that I absolutely hate my existence. Things were must better when I shared them with my other half. 

Later this morning, Steve, my outdoor guru, showed up to do maintenance work on the grass. Before I owned a house, I thought grass just grew on its own. I had no idea how difficult it is to maintain! It needs weeding, seeding, aerating, and it gets diseased easily! Every time I see Steve, it is like I get another installment of a soap opera. He is a lovely person, but has had a very hard time finding a significant other. Every time I chat with him, I think to myself.... NOPE! I will never be doing this, as I have heard enough of his on-line connection nightmares. I met my other half the natural way, in college, and we knew each other for seven years before we got married, and even that did not guarantee me a life long connection. It saddens me, as I am mentally aware that one doesn't need a partner to be happy in life, but from my experience it does make life not only worth living but richer. 

I was juggling one issue after the other today and then someone from the research team that I am a part of sent me the next publication regarding our Psychosocial Standards of Care that is getting ready to be submitted to a journal. Do you know that seeing this paper sent me right over the deep end. Not the content! Not the people who worked on it! But the simple notion that I am not productive. I am not interacting with the world. I DO NOT live a normal life. My life has been decimated. I lost everything and in the midst of losing everything, I am caregiving around the clock. It is very easy to downward spiral emotionally in my house and yet it takes a great deal of strength and courage to muddle through. So may tomorrow be a better day. 

Wednesday, August 26, 2026

Wednesday, August 26, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2007. I will never forget this moment in time. We were staying on the island of Coronado, in San Diego. The hotel we were staying at had a fountain out front. Flamingoes loved that fountain and they intrigued Mattie. As we didn't normally see flamingoes in our daily life in Washington, DC. In this photo, Mattie was giving me his impression of a flamingo. To me this was absolutely priceless! 

Quote of the day: Never mistake a woman's silence for her ignorance, her calmness for her acceptance, and her kindness for her weakness. ~ Unknown  

This morning I woke up and realized next week is the beginning of September. A month I absolutely hate, as Mattie died on September 8, 2009. Acknowledging these moments are even harder now being alone. In addition, my former in-laws celebrate their wedding anniversary on September 1. Since my separation, I have not let one holiday, birthday, or anniversary go by unacknowledged. They have been in my life since I was 19 years old, and though I am completely on overload, they are a priority. Normally I would have baked something last weekend and got it in the mail this week, but with all this mortgage assumption nonsense, I did not keep track of timing. So today, I stopped everything and I started baking a lemon blueberry loaf for them and I am determined to get it in the mail tomorrow. I know first hand how special it is to receive gifts in the mail, and to not be forgotten!

This afternoon, I took my mom out for tea. While at Starbuck's I tried to read more continuing education material for my licensure renewal. My goal is to have over 30 hours of continuing education behind me by the end of August. I am truly giving it my all! However, there were people all around us today. Some were talking, some were listening to things on their phone, and between both of those things I could feel my anxiety level increasing. Since Mattie died, I can get overwhelmed by noise and when I do, I literally can read the words in front of me, but I have trouble comprehending them. This is very frustrating for me because I wasn't always like this, in fact, I used to be able to focus regardless of what was going on around me. 

When I get totally overwhelmed, my natural tendency is to get up, and start moving around. If I wasn't balancing my mom, I would have gotten in the car and came home. But she loves going to Starbuck's three times a week, so I knew, I had to figure out plan B. Plan B involved mentally talking to myself, to calm down, and to allow what others were saying to begin to fade in the background of my mind, so that I could actually read. Within about 15 minutes, I was able to get absorbed in my readings and made great progress today. 

I end tonight with this beautiful hibiscus! In the spring of 2005, I bought two small plants at Lowe's. They spent last spring and summer outside (never blooming), and then I winterized them inside. This spring, I brought them back outside. This is the very first time this plant has ever blossomed. To me it is a glorious sight! 

Tuesday, August 25, 2026

Tuesday, August 25, 2026 -- Mattie died 860 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2007. We were in San Diego and Mattie wanted to try this bicycle with a surrey on top (which is what I called it). This thing may look cute, but WOW what a work out! The frame of the bicycle was super heavy, so pedaling was like moving my legs through taffy! Nonetheless, look at Mattie's smile! Mattie loved it and it was worth the effort! What I did not know at that moment was it was going to be our first and last bicycle with a surrey experience together. 

Quote of the day: It is better to lock up your heart with a merciless padlock than to fall in love with someone who doesn't know what they mean to you. ~ Michael Bassey Johnson

I thought the mortgage assumption process was over! I learned today that it is NOT! The closing documents are now in the hands of the post closing team! This takes another two weeks. I honestly do not know how much more of this I can take. Whenever I see that 1-800 number pop up on my cell phone, that sickening feeling comes over me. I have been dealing with this feeling since May 1, and frankly whenever this is finally over, it will take me time to normalize again. The mortgage assumption process has been sheer hell, along side dealing with COMPLETE FEAR over where I would be living with my parents. 

I am not sure if it is the greyness today or simply being worn out physically and emotionally, but all I want to do is put my head on a pillow and sleep. Naturally that is not going to happen, but it feels like another bleak day. A day in which the reality of my divorce has hit me, and yet at the same time it still seems unreal. When I talk with other women who have faced the uniqueness of what I am going through (and remember you are only hearing a portion of my journey on this blog), many have admitted needing hospitalization, the support of a suicide hotline, and medication. No judgment on my part, as I can absolutely appreciate why any and all of these resources would be needed. But my journey looks a bit different. Partly it is because I am caregiving and partly because my mind can't process what has happened. It is as if I am going to wake up one day and learn that none of this happened. That I am not divorced and that my long time view of the world is real and intact, rather than crumbled and shattered in pieces like it is now. 

Even at night, my brain is working over time trying to process my divorce. Last night was no different. As is typical with dreams they don't always make sense, but all I know was I was visiting Chicago with my other half and his family. It was so real and I can recall that I was arguing with the hotel staff because they had life sized RATS walking around. Kind of like the big rats you see in the ballet, The Nutcracker! No one else seemed to be bothered by the rats, other than me. The hotel decided to try to calm me down and gave us an amazing dinner in a magical setting. It was so wonderful that by the time dinner was over, I too wasn't bothered by the life sized rats. Totally, NOT LIKE VICKI! As no dinner could placate me in real life if I were surrounded by rodents! What do it mean? I have no idea! I looked up what this could mean and learned that dreaming of life-sized or giant rats means a hidden problem, fear, or difficult person in your waking life has grown too large to ignore and is making you feel completely overwhelmed. Sounds about right! 

Any case, when I am feeling on overload, it means I have to back away from the computer, start moving around to work out the confusion in my head and heart.  

I end tonight with two of my favorite Dolly Parton songs! I grew up with her music and to me she was bigger than life, that it is hard to believe she died today.