Friday, September 18, 2026

Friday, September 18, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2008. Mattie was in his second month of treatment at the hospital. Each of the rooms in the pediatric intensive care unit had windows out in the hallway. Seriously to me the room was like living in a prison and the window out into the hallway seemed to be a reminder that we were part of a institution and being watched. There was very little privacy, with people coming in and out of the room at all hours of the day and night! That particular evening, Mattie was getting stir crazy. So what did we do? We blew up gloves and Mattie had a puppet show through the window. Anyone in the hallway couldn't miss my six year old with dancing gloves in the window! The beauty of Mattie Brown!

Quote of the day: What greater gift than the love of a cat? ~ Charles Dickens

This is Indie! We rescued her on Independence Day weekend of 2016. She is a Tortoise Shell cat, and if you know anything about this breed, they have Tortitude! Vocal, smart, and loyal! Indie was rescued from West Virginia and I fell in love with her face on the rescue site. She has been with me for ten years now. 

This morning, after I dropped my dad off at his memory care center, I rushed home to try to capture Indie, place her in a carrying case, so I could take her to her annual vet check up. 

I have to admit that Sunny, the Australian Shepherd, was my boy, and Indie bonded with my other half. In 2023, I was left to manage Sunny (who had cancer), my parents, and learn to care and bond with Indie. We had an adjustment period, but as I say, Indie is smart, and she learned quickly.... I am it! She has to rely on me for food, love, care, and litter box maintenance (by the way she has TRAINED me well.... as she has two boxes that get cleaned daily). 

This photo of Indie was taken at night. Every night, after I get my parents into bed, Indie comes into my room, hops on the bed, and gets cozy right next to me. Together we watch a Hallmark movie. She has become my buddy. The funny part about her is while I am sleeping, she migrates right up to my head. She sleeps between my pillows and the pillows of my other half. 

One of the things I do not like is having to assemble Indie's carrying case and then capturing her and putting her in the case. But one of the things that happens when you live alone is you become very good at being organized and strategic. I have to be, as I don't have back up! So two days ago, I assembled the carrying case and put it in my closet. I did it while Indie was downstairs and couldn't hear what I was doing. The key to all of this is catching Indie by surprise! If she knows what is coming or gets fearful and I will be running all around the house trying to capture her. This morning, I took the assembled carrying case, covered it with my sweater, and placed it in another room. I know Indie's habits..... mid-morning, she goes back to my bedroom and sleeps on my bed. 

I literally had a conversation with myself while driving back from my dad's memory care center. I gave myself a pep talk. If I could figure out a divorce, a mortgage, and caregiving 24/7, I think I am capable of outsmarting Indie and getting her in her carrying case. So I got home, went upstairs, grabbed the carrying case, and calmly walked into my bedroom. Remember the carrying case had my sweater over it, so literally Indie did not put two and two together. I then went to close my bedroom door, and then revealed the carrying case. To which Indie freaked out. She tried to run around, but I caught her and got her in the carrying case. 

I happen to love Indie's vet. She is very competent, friendly, warm, and loves cats. Indie had a wonderful visit and examination and is doing well. They said they wanted to give her the "good cat award" today! But what saddens me is the cost of vet care. Today's wellness exam included blood work and a fecal test, and altogether, the bill was over $625. Naturally any animal owner does whatever we have to do to care for our fur babies, but the cost of care is so high, that I can't see owning a pet is affordable for everyone. That makes me sad! All I know is I am very grateful that Sunny and Indie were left behind and in my care, and anything in my care, gets my 100% attention. I miss Sunny every day, and I believe so does Indie. Do you know that Indie loves lying down on Sunny's dog bed (which is still in my family room)? They were good buddies right from day one (as you can see from this photo). When we brought Sunny home for the first time, Indie came downstairs, and they touched noses (yes I captured that moment on camera!). It was in that moment that we went from a family of two to a family of four. Sunny and Indie, may have been rescued, but they in essence rescued me.  

Thursday, September 17, 2026

Thursday, September 17, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2008. It was our second month in Mattie's cancer journey. Mattie's room felt like the size of a postage stamp with three people in it and a lot of medical devices and equipment. Yet that did not stop Mattie from creating, building, and playing. Truly his spirit was amazing, because I am quite certain if an adult faced what Mattie did, we most likely wouldn't have handled it so well and I am quite certain we wouldn't have felt much like smiling.

Quote of the day: Feeling lost, crazy and desperate belongs to a good life as much as optimism, certainty and reason. ~ Alain De Botton

I have been communicating back and forth today with my dad's memory care center. I felt the need to reach out to them because my dad says he "hates" going. When I ask him to elaborate on that feeling, he can't! My dad's go to line is..... "I don't know!" That may not sound bad to you, but when you hear this all the time, it can get overwhelming. To say that he hated something seemed like a very strong reaction to his experience. Which was why I contacted the Center. We have been chatting about this for two days.

It turns out the decline that I am seeing in my dad, they are also seeing at the Center. They are seeing that my dad isn't interest in participating in all the activities he once used to like (such as seeing short videos, playing games, and other cognitive games and quizzes) and he is doing a lot of dozing instead. The dozing is a new occurrence at the Center. They did not want to assume that his behavior at the Center was due to memory decline, so when I contacted them, it got the ball rolling, so that we could evaluate the issues from both angles. 

We are now on the same page, my dad is progressing out of moderate stage dementia into the final phase. This final phase scares me to no end because it is in this phase that people are unable to walk and eat. I literally can't think about this as his caregiver. I instead have to take it one day, week, and month at a time. The Center has asked me to consider placing my dad in a different classroom at the Center, one that is more geared to address his issues. I have asked them whether we can try this new room for a week and re-evaluate how it is going. 

On top of that, I am once again facing an issue with the shared drive on my computer. This is a system my other half established years ago, because we work with large foundation files and data, and it is the most efficient way to back it up. But today, I went to look at photos and don't you know it.... ALL my folders were empty! Unlike the last time this happened, I now know where they go.... they get dumped without my knowledge to a recycling bin. So I did not panic as much this time around, unlike last year when this first happened! I also have an external drive which holds all my photos, because if I lost Mattie photos, I think I would jump right out the window. So once again, I am moving photos out of the recycling bin and putting them where they belong, but the problem is I don't know why this is happening. I hate technology and when things like this happen, my other half was always my immediate tech support. Now I am on my own, and frankly it is a daunting place to be. 

Wednesday, September 16, 2026

Wednesday, September 16, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2003. Mattie was a year and half old and this photo was snapped of us while we were doing computer time. On occasion, we would sit down and go to educational sites on the internet to read stories, look at numbers and words, and learn to put letters and words together. In addition, PBS had a kids site and there were many sing-a-longs on that site. Mattie loved the TV show, Jay Jay the jet plane, and I can't tell you how many times we sang all those songs together. We would sing, I would bounce Mattie up and down on my lap, as if he was flying around on a jet plane. HE LOVED IT! 

Quote of the day: If you’re searching for a quote that puts your feelings into words – you won’t find it. You can learn every language and read every word ever written – but you’ll never find what’s in your heart. How can you? He has it. ~ Ranata Suzuki

Sometimes I go back in time by looking at the blog. The blog is an historical account of my last 18 years! During this same week in 2021, we were united, working together to renovate the house, decorate it, and getting it ready for us to move my parents in with us in December of 2021. 

Back in September of 2021, we found the perfect spot to hang, Mattie's Mr. Sun! This sun is in a prominent hallway in the house, so everyone can see it. This painting was actually created by Mattie and his art teacher in 2008. She invited him to her studio while he was battling cancer. They worked together for several weekends, and finally I got to see the amazing product. Needless to say, when Mattie died, Mr. Sun, served as the inspiration for his Foundation's Logo.

The logo! Notice that the sun has 7 rays! Each ray represents one of Mattie's years on this earth!

The other project we worked on together in September of 2021, was arranging and hanging my Wall of Mattie. These wonderful photos were a Mother's Day gift to me in 2012. We had them up in the apartment in the city, and when we moved into the house, I wanted them lining this long wall. When we moved into this house, I envisioned our life going a certain way, I would never have guessed how we landed up and honestly my brain struggles with this daily. 

Normally I go grocery shopping on Fridays. But this Friday, Indie has her annual vet appointment. I admit that I do not like capturing Indie, putting her in her carrying case, and taking her to the vet. It is traumatic for both of us. While out shopping today, I decided to stop at Lowe's first, as I wanted to buy a few pansies and mums for my side door. Everything by that door was looking straggly from the summer heat. Here is what it looks like now. 

It is not a big change, but I find pansies are a happy flower and it is the little things that can perk up one's day. 

Tuesday, September 15, 2026

Tuesday, September 15, 2026 --- Mattie died 863 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2003. Mattie was a year and half old and was given this fire engine as a gift from his paternal grandparents. Mattie loved all kinds of vehicles, so this gift made sense for Mattie. Though it was a ride-on toy, Mattie preferred pushing it himself or washing it! As a new mom, my first attempt was to lift Mattie into the seat and show him how it moved. NOT A GOOD PLAN! I learned quickly with Mattie.... he wanted to explore the world in his own way. Therefore I learned to follow his lead. When I say he was my greatest teacher, I am NOT kidding. 

Quote of the day: Just as despair can come to one only from other human beings, hope, too, can be given to one only by other human beings. ~ Elie Wiesel

This morning, my dad and I had a conference call with his neurosurgeon nurse. She has been following my dad's case since December of 2025. Last December, my dad had a brain bleed. I can't account for how this happened to him, as he did not fall on my watch and his memory care center doesn't report a fall either. My dad had no marks, scratches or bruising. Nonetheless, I brought him to the ER last year because he was slurring his speech and was more disoriented and confused than normal. They did a CT scan in the ER, and that was when we found out about the pooling of the blood in the brain. 

Since that time, we have been getting CT scans every three months, to track the blood/fluid, it the hope that it will all get reabsorbed. Today, the nurse explained that the amount of fluid pooling in the brain is the same in comparison to his May CT scan. I believe she and the doctor were hoping that more fluid would have been absorbed by now. Yet given my dad's age, she says it is not unusual for the fluid never to disappear. The goal of course is to have no falls or injuries which could cause the pooling of fluid to increase. She also mentioned that patients in their 80s and 90s, can have spontaneous bleeding, as the skull remains the same shape over time, but the brain shrinks. As it shrinks, the blood vessels in the brain can get stretched and pop, causing pooling of blood. Any case, they want my dad to have another CT scan in January of 2027. So the process continues. 

Later this morning, I called my mortgage company. NO this issue hasn't been put to bed yet! It feels like it will never end, nor will the stress of paying for this hateful process. Naturally whenever I deal with this (which is daily and for months), it makes me reflect on my hateful divorce. Any case, once I assumed the mortgage, I had to purchase a whole new home owner's insurance policy in my name. The insurer sent the policy paperwork to my mortgage company, as this yearly insurance fee gets wrapped into my escrow. Now there is a word, I despise with grand proportion. Why? Because the escrow NEVER stays the same. The only consistent thing for my escrow is it goes up in price significantly every year. 

If you are like me, you are asking, what is an escrow and what is an escrow shortage? I know I always heard these terms, but since I wasn't the financial person in my family, I didn't understand the full ramifications. But just like everything else, I have had a crash course in reality. A mortgage escrow account stores and collects your estimated property taxes and home owner's insurance from your mortgage payment each month, and pays them when they are due. This process protects both you and your mortgage lender from the risk of your taxes not being paid. An escrow shortage is when your mortgage company finds that your account balance has dropped below the required minimum cushion. This occurs only if you have an escrow account tied to your mortgage, and if local tax rates or insurance premiums go up. Homeowners who pay their own taxes and insurance premiums directly—or those whose local costs remain completely flat—never experience an escrow shortage. I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to have completely flat local costs. It NEVER happens! 

All I know is after this hour long call today, in which I spoke to an escrow agent and an agent from the department that oversees homeowner insurance payments, my head was spinning. Both women were lovely, but provided different information. Needless to say, I am glad I called, because the mortgage company was unaware of my new home owner's policy and this policy definitely changes my escrow and the shortage. DELIGHTFUL. So now I wait a week, to get new correspondence from the mortgage lender about my updated escrow shortage. Just like with my mortgage assumption, I was quoted a vast range of fees. So I remain on pins and needles until the exact escrow shortage amount is calculated. Seriously, the financial pressures are overwhelming and this isn't the only thing I face on a daily basis. Each day, I always say to myself.... may tomorrow be a better day. Fortunately I am not holding my breath, because if I did, I would be dead. 

Monday, September 14, 2026

Monday, September 14, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2002. Mattie was five months old! This was a rare photo because Mattie was sitting in his high chair. I tried to slowly introduce Mattie to the chair, without the table. As the table made the chair far more confining. But I knew eventually Mattie was going to out grow his car seat, and he would need a safe place to eat! As you can see, Mattie was enjoying his introduction to peas! What a smile and precious face. 

Quote of the day: There is no greater sorrow than to recall a happy time when miserable. ~ Dante Alighieri

This morning, I had my annual skin check appointment with my dermatologist. My primary care physician recommended I start doing this six years ago. I thought she was crazy, but in my first appointment with the dermatologist she found two pre-cancerous spots. Needless to say, I was grateful my doctor encouraged me to visit a specialist and to do this yearly. My primary care doctor recommended this particular dermatologist at the time, because she was focused on the true practice of dermatology. She wasn't into cosmetic procedures and products. This is clearly where the nature of dermatology practice is going these days, which is why I was so happy to find someone focused on actual skin health. 

Now six years later, my doctor has succumbed to what all the other dermatologists in my area are doing. She can't wait to push surgery, fillers, laser treatments, and you name it. She knows not to try this on me, she learned that in our last visit together! But today, I truly wanted to counsel her to STOP! She is either doing this to herself or paying for these procedures on herself and her face now looks like a squirrel with stuffed nuts in its cheeks. She was a pretty woman to begin with, but now, her features are all changed. She has physically morphed into a different person before my eyes. I certainly understand the need for plastic surgeries for accidents, cancer, and other medical reasons. But to elect to do this to yourself, to pay out of pocket for this, makes me wonder. Where are our priorities as a society? 

After my doctor's appointment, I went to pick up prescriptions for my parents at the pharmacy and then I stopped at our local hallmark store because I wanted to pick up cards and things. As soon as I walked into the store, I asked the store employee what was going on. Around a third of the store seemed to be missing. Counters and display cases were gone. Instead, the remaining items in the store were dispersed throughout the large space. To me there were gaping holes and what immediately came to my mind was..... this store is going to go out of business. I am not sure what is happening, but clearly new products haven't made their way to the store. This saddened me, because to me, Hallmark was once the store I could find little gifts for just about anyone. Now I literally walked in and walked right back out. The feeling of the cavernous space and lack of product depressed me. The internet and on-line purchases are killing all brick and mortar stores. The newer generation loves on-line shopping and they really don't see the sensory advantage of seeing and holding items. Some how between the doctor's office and Hallmark, I came home upset, because these are visual reminders that priorities in our society have been and continue to drastically change, and NOT all change is for the better. 

Tonight, I have my quarterly Mattie Miracle board meeting. Trying to have a meeting at 6pm, is challenging, since that means dinner and everything else will be pushed back until later. There is only one of me, so I have learned I have to cut myself some slack. Of course, whenever I do Mattie Miracle work, I can't help but feel the immense loss of my family unit of three. Been doing this solo for three years, you'd think by now, I would have come to accept these changes. NOPE! Anyone who really knows me, knows I don't like change, especially such life altering emotional changes. 

Sunday, September 13, 2026

Sunday, September 13, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2002. Mattie was five months old and loving rice cereal. You can see the joy in his eyes! Both eating and looking at me, looking at him. Mattie did not like his high chair, so instead, I used his trusty car seat. I do not know where I would have been without that car seat. As it served as a high chair and a place Mattie found cozy to sleep at night. I literally would strap him into the car seat and then place the car seat in his crib. I found that being Mattie's mom inspired me to think outside the box! 

Quote of the day: Do not look for healing at the feet of those who broke you. ~ Rupi Kaur

Look at this beautiful sunflower gift I received in the mail! These are three real sunflowers that have been sealed inside this glass block. The block also lights up. I can't think of a better gift in honor of Mattie's 17th anniversary of his death. Once I became a mom, my perspective changed, and I always thought of life in terms of three... me, my other half, and our beautiful boy. So three is a magic number for me, as it symbolizes the way my family used to be, and in a way, the family that always remains alive in my heart. These sunflowers will light my nights on the darker fall and winter days that are fast approaching. 

The giver of this meaningful gift is my dear friend Cheryl. I have never met Cheryl, but she was related to me through my marriage. So in all reality, she is my cousin Cheryl. She has been a beacon of light for me during my entire separation and divorce. I don't say this lightly as there were very dark emotional times for me, and the notion of jumping out the window sounded like a great idea. But Cheryl would text me thoughts, feelings, and compassion and her words would be absorbed and I would find a way to the next day, and then the next day after that. She has been an emotional lifesaver and the sunflowers are so symbolic of Team Mattie and that incredible love, support, and strength that rallied around my Mattie and me during his cancer journey. 

I took my parents out for lunch today, just like I do every Sunday. While driving to the restaurant, my dad had an irritable bowel syndrome accident. This is nothing new, as this happens every Sunday like clock work. Which means once I get to the restaurant, I have to lay by and take my parents inside, and immediately take my dad to the bathroom and change him. Then I go back out and park the car. I am not doing the experience justice, as it is extremely stressful juggling this alone. While at lunch, out came the game, Qwirkle. Playing the game is the only thing that keeps my parents focused, otherwise, my dad is in a fog and my mom is glued to her phone. I have noticed now three weeks in a row, that when we go out to eat, my mom gets in a funk. She seems unable to eat, she reports having an upset stomach, and truly I do not know who to worry about first at the table. 

Given that we have been going to this restaurant since 2021, we know a good chunk of the servers and managers. So it is not unusual for people to come up to us and start chatting, not unlike today at least four people stopped by and we caught up with each other. In the process, I introduced Qwirkle to each of them and our server loved it so much that she was playing along too.

Saturday, September 12, 2026

Saturday, September 12, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2002. Mattie was five months old. I was gifted this "tummy time" playset. This was a position Mattie absolutely HATED! In theory tummy time is important to help develop neck and upper body muscles. Despite that, I could only put Mattie in this position for about five minutes at a time, as he would get very upset. I believe Mattie disliked this position because it prevented him from moving about and it limited his freedom!

Quote of the day: Have you ever lost someone you love and wanted one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time when you thought they would be here forever? If so, then you know you can go your whole life collecting days, and none will outweigh the one you wish you had back. ~ Mitch Albom

It was another hard morning, of multiple irritable bowel issues, starting in the shower. By the time I got my dad showered, dressed, and downstairs, I literally had already put in a full day! My dad's physical therapist came over today and she got him to do a walking routine outside. My dad really did not want to go outside, but we encouraged him to get fresh air. Soon it will be too cool for him to do this, so I strongly believe you have to capture these outdoor moments when you can. 

As it is September, I realized this weekend that I had to start crafting the Foundation newsletter. I used to do a newsletter 12 months a year. Then a few years ago, I took August off. Since my separation, I now do not write in July or August. So ramping back up in September is hard, as all the visuals and content come from me. At some point today, the notion of living life without my other half flooded my mind and then it clouded my energy to write a newsletter. After all, we started this Foundation together, and it truly helped to have someone to bounce ideas off of and to brainstorm content and goals. I always felt we were better together. 

Naturally, I had to get a reality check and stop this irrational thinking, otherwise I wouldn't be able to focus and do my best work for Mattie Miracle. So after the physical therapist left today, my parents rested for 90 minutes, and I had uninterrupted time to start figuring out what I wanted to highlight in the upcoming newsletter. As of this evening, the newsletter is well underway and will continue working on it tomorrow.

This afternoon, I took my parents to our local diner. Something we do every Saturday. Since I am typically cooking and cleaning, I appreciate going out a few times a week to break up the work and to have conversations with outsiders. The diner was an absolute zoo today. They had a celebration of life event in one of their rooms and the noise level in the whole restaurant was out of control. You know the kind of intense noise that starts drilling through your head? So between the noise and the whole kitchen staff working on overload, it was a horrible dining experience. Some food came out cold, and some things we ordered never came out at all! I did land up paying the bill, but then I snapped. I called over our server (who we work with every Saturday) and I explained to him that this whole meal should be comped because we are regulars and today's experience was intolerable. Needless to say, the bill was comped. But comped bill or not, my mom came home feeling nauseous and I still feel hungry. 

As I am still watching and processing the 25th anniversary of 9/11. I saw this video clip last night on TV. I never heard this song before, but it resonated with me. Anyone who has been traumatized and isn't sure how to make it through another day, this song illustrates to us.... there is always hope. 

Friday, September 11, 2026

Friday, September 11, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken at the end of September of 2001. The point of this photo at the time was to capture my pregnancy. I was two months pregnant with Mattie and it was an exciting and yet very scary time. The pending notion of being a new mom can be frightening as it is a huge responsibility, but I was also pregnant during 9/11. In fact, on September 11, 2001, I was supposed to have my first obstetrician visit. Of course that never happened, because it was the day the world stopped turning as our Country and region was under attack. This morning my 'former' mother-in-law wrote to me and asked.... where was I on 9/11 when I learned about the towers being struck? I explained to her that I was pregnant, at home, and was watching the horror on TV. While I was home, my other half was at work in the neighboring state of Virginia. People were fleeing the city and he was desperately trying to get back in to me. It is hard to believe this nightmare happened 25 years ago. It is a tragedy that destroyed families, that severely impacted the health of those who survived, and the threat of our safety remains ever present. May we never forget the thousands of people who died on that day and the incredible heroism of the first responders who worked around the clock to search, rescue, and recover victims.  

Quote of the day: It’s the nature of the world that most people have moved on, but the people directly involved with 9/11, for them, twice a day it’s 9/11. ~ Robert Reeg, former FDNY firefighter

It was another difficult day with my dad and his irritable bowel issues. Fortunately after five rounds of clean up, he was able to go to his memory care program, so I could regroup. Regrouping doesn't mean resting.... it means grocery shopping, laundry, and other chores. Given that I know it is 9/11, I feel the depths of the sadness of the day, as I know how traumatic it is to lose a loved one. With time everyone forgets and moves along, but for the bereaved, time doesn't heal all wounds and we never forget. 

Later this afternoon, I took myself outside to the backyard to do more weeding. I find that being outside is the only thing that helps my sadness and anxiety. 

How do you like this huge germanium? I bought this plant in the spring of 2005. It was very small when I purchased it. It grew so well that I winterized it inside the house. I brought it back outside this spring. Can you see on the very top of the plant is a red blossom. Talk about the strength of plants to grow up and toward the sun. 

I absolutely love Mandevillas. They are hearty and can handle our extreme summer heat. They also attract hummingbirds and butterflies!!! So I have many of them around my house. 

This is the first summer that this hibiscus is blooming. I have grown to love this plant and when it starts getting cooler this fall, it will be coming inside for the winter. 

I have four large planters in the backyard. My other half purchased them and planted roses in them. I keep the tradition going!

This is one of my Sunny hibiscuses. I bought them in 2024, the year that Sunny died. They are my tribute to my beautiful Australian Shepherd. I literally transplant them into plastic pots in the Fall and carry the plastic pots into the house. In the spring, I plant them back into the ceramic pots. I have no idea how I haven't killed them yet, but they are survivors, and I love them! 

This photo was taken in June of 2014. Hard to believe this was 12 years ago. We went to the Outer Banks of North Carolina for a week. During our trip, we visited the Elizabethan Gardens. A place we took Mattie and my former in-laws many times. We all loved this amazing botanical garden. During that visit in 2014, we bought a small plant in the gift shop that was featured in the garden.... a butterfly ginger lily!

This is the butterfly ginger lily! When it blooms, the flowers are incredible fragrant and in the shape of a white butterfly. Last summer, I brought the plant outside, but did not put it in direct sunlight. When I winterized it inside, the plant looked like it was dying. This spring, I carried it outside and put the pot in direct sunlight. Ginger Lily is happy and thriving. As crazy as it sounds, this plant is a reminder of my marriage and the bond we shared together, so the notion of it dying, was very upsetting. 

Thursday, September 10, 2026

Thursday, September 10, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2009. Mattie's pool was on the deck, but unlike previous summers, Mattie couldn't go in it. He had a Broviac catheter which was a central venous catheter used for long-term delivery of fluids, medications, or blood products. We avoided getting the catheter wet, to avoid infection. Instead, Mattie decide to pilot his remote controlled motor boat.... it was Captain Mattie at his best!

Quote of the day: But I guess death is like that. It takes away from you in an instant the people you've cherished for a whole lifetime. Just like that. As simple as that. And you are suddenly left with two things: anger for having been deprived of your beloved for no reason at all; and emptiness, a vacuum that gnaws right at your heart where all the joyful moments once had been. ~ Jocelyn Soriano

Last night, we received this wonderful board game from my dear friend, Cheryl. I call her my friend, but technically we were once related through my marriage. Cheryl has been on my Mattie journey with me from day one and has read my thoughts, words, feelings, and ups and downs for 18 years. Cheryl introduced us to Blokus! I have to admit, I was never a board game player as a kid. I am not sure why but I think as a child games made me anxious. I was always afraid of not being able to understand how to play or to look inferior to other players. Now at this point in my life, I am completely different. I have survived so much, and have found a way through, that if I don't understand something, I take a deep breath and find a way through. Just like Cheryl mentioned, Blokus is easy to understand and play. In actuality, it is very strategic. As you have to creatively place pieces on the board, so that they touch by their corners. I can imagine the more I play the game, the more I will be able to figure out how to place as many of my colored pieces on the board. Any case, we played a round after dinner last night. My mom was red, my dad was blue and I was yellow. I played my pieces and also worked with my dad on his pieces. I am truly finding that games keep them both engaged and focused and it gives us something productive to do together!

It was a busy day with both of my parents having a physical therapy session, I completed a ton of chores, and I took my parents out to lunch. We visit the same restaurant every Thursday. I know most of the servers there and each week they fill me in on their lives. Today, one of the servers pulled up a chair and sat with us for ten minutes, as we listened about his landlord issues. Then another server came up to us and told us that seeing us brightens up his day, as we are always so kindness and thoughtful. I may not have my usual social circle, but I have developed a bunch of connections with lovely hard working people who try to make my parent's visits comfortable and happy.

I opened my mailbox today and received this beautiful heartfelt card and pop up flowers from Children's Hospital at Sinai. Mattie Miracle works closely with this hospital in Baltimore. This meaningful tribute was in honor of Mattie's 17th anniversary of his death this week. 

At around 5pm, I went outside to the front yard and massively trimmed all the bushes in this island. Every bush was out of control and growing into the other. I got out the hedge trimmer and shaped everything and cleaned up debris. I know it is hard to believe, but this took me two hours. I should have taken a before photo, but trust me, things were overgrown. Can you see the bigger bush with purple flowers on the right? This is a butterfly bush. We planted this entire island when we moved into the house. Given my love of all things butterfly, I was thrilled that we planted a butterfly bush. Throughout the spring and summer, this bush is alive with flutterbys! 

Wednesday, September 9, 2026

Wednesday, September 9, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2009. This was Mattie with Speedy Red. Mattie wanted a ride-on vehicle for years, as one of our neighbor's had one! However, when Mattie was well, I felt that this was not a realistic purchase! First it was expensive, second, we had no where to store it and third and most importantly, I felt this would be a short lived interest! However, cancer changed my perspective. This gift was Mattie's last wish and therefore we were going to make it happen. Mattie was my "little engineer." He took to driving like a duck to water. He had an intuitive understanding for a gas pedal and brake! Speedy Red brought Mattie happiness, and I will never forget him driving around in our commons area. 

Quote of the day: The loss of a sweet and beloved child is a sorrow of which none but those who have suffered can have the least realizing sense; it is unlike that of any other relation; it is not like the tearing off simply of a limb, but unwinding and breaking to pieces the little tendrils that have grown around the heart and become part of one's self. It is the opening of all the feelings, and pouring sorrow in at every pore. ~ Nathaniel R. Stimson

I will never forget September 8, 2009, the day Mattie died. Obviously for many reasons, as it is the day in which my world stopped. Not unlike yesterday's weather, the day that Mattie died was a glorious sunny and non-humid day. It was like the perfect day, and others outside the hospital were moving about as if it was just a regular day. Business as usual for them! I remember NOT getting it! How could my world be totally overhauled and decimated? How could the death of my 7-year-old not be consequential for everyone else around me? Yet that was the reality, which it took me years to come to terms with! A week prior to to Mattie's death we were admitted to the hospital. We entered the hospital as a family of 3, and then left as a family of 2. Now of course, my life has gone from 3, to 2, to 1! 

Yesterday and today, involved two visits to the hospital. My dad had to do a follow up brain CT scan yesterday and my mom needed a bone density shot today. So it was a lot of running back and forth to the hospital. The hospital where Mattie was born and diagnosed. I can still picture us leaving the hospital and taking a photo by a tree near the entrance, before putting Mattie in the car to held home. How can that tree still exist, but Mattie and my marriage, don't? 

Any case, I was very lucky to be working with outstanding radiology techs yesterday. It took three men to help me get my dad onto a CT scanning table. They were amazing! Kindness and compassion, really make hard situations so much better. Today, while heading to the doctor's office, a young mother with her baby got on the elevator with us. I could have remained quiet, but I didn't! I asked her how old the baby was (2 weeks) and literally out of my mouth, I said..... "how is the baby and how are you doing?" When I tell you this mom was happy I asked about her, I am not kidding. She said, "well you know!" Meaning, she viewed me as a mom. I said, "YES I know, which is why I am asking." She felt overwhelmed and tired. My response to her was she got to the hospital, both of them were dressed, and this is an amazing first step. I told her the only way to manage this incredible responsibility is to take it one day at a time, and that it is okay to ask for support from those in her life. She thanked me for caring, for listening, and for understanding. 

It is moments like these that remind me..... yes I was a mom, yes I understand how overwhelmed this new mom felt, and NO I could never have gained this experience without my Mattie! Mattie's life and legacy live on in all my interactions with parents, in all my Foundation work, and of course through the blog and all of you.