Monday, July 20, 2026

Monday, July 20, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken on July 9, 2008. That day we took Mattie for a walk on Roosevelt Island, which was about a five minute car ride from our apartment in Washington, DC. As you can see, Mattie found a piece of nature that had fallen to the earth and he scooped it up to take home. Mattie never came home empty handed. But look at that smile, and then put into context that just two weeks after this photo was taken, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. Every aspect of our lives changed on diagnosis day. If I could turn back the hands of time, I would love to live a life that knows nothing about childhood cancer and while I am at it, let's add divorce to my DO NOT experience list!

Quote of the day: Listing your parents as your emergency contact is the saddest reminder that you are single. ~  Kevin Molesworth

This morning, after dropping my dad off at his memory care center, I took my mom into the city to get her hair and nails done. The salon is located right next to where I used to live. While driving through the streets of Foggy Bottom (in the city), all that flashed before my eyes was my former life and my many walks on those same sidewalks with Sunny. It is hard to believe that in 2021, I was still living there and I had no idea, NONE, how drastically my life was going to change. I do not deal with change well. I face it, but I hate it. I think my strong dislike for change started when I was 14 years old, and my parents moved me from New York to California. It was a very hard move for me and I went from having tons of friends into a new school environment in which all of the kids knew one another from kindergarten. I was the outsider and it was a humbling experience. Which maybe why to this day, I do not like seeing people alone and will go out of my way to make sure people feel included. 

Do you ever look at your life and think..... what would have happened if I did x, y, and z, instead of a, b, and c? I always ask what my life would have been like if I never moved to California! Back in New York, I was much more focused on creativity and dance and I have no doubt my college choice would have been completely different, as I bet my major would have been the arts and not biology/psychology. When I moved to California, I went from a creative being, to a more academic and inwardly focused person. What has evoked all these feelings?

Well my lifetime friend, Karen, sent me an article entitled, 30 years later, friends remember teacher killed in TWA Flight 800 crash. Why did she send me this article? Because the teacher in question, Ms. Lois Van Epps, was my English teacher in 9th grade. Ms. Van Epps died in TWA flight 800 in 1996. I was a newly wed back then, but it was crushing to hear that news then and now. 

I was a student in Ms. Van Epps class in 1983, my last year in New York (before moving to California in 1984). I LOVED, LOVED Ms. Van Epps! She was dramatic and creative and brought out the best in her students. I recall doing a presentation in her class about ballet, which also included demonstrations in front of the class. It was apparently that presentation which caught Ms. Van Epps attention. She contacted my mom and told her (which I learned years later), that she saw something in me. She felt that I was highly gifted and had the potential to be a great performer and published author. I can't even imagine what my life would have looked like if I was mentored by such an amazing force! I only experienced Ms. Van Epps for one year, but she will always remain alive in my heart. I don't say this lightly as for the most part, I wasn't a fan of most of my teachers. I can count on one hand those teachers who pushed, inspired, and brought out the best in me. Ms. Van Epps was just such a teacher and if I remained in New York, I am quite certain my life would have looked completely different now. Ms. Van Epps will live forever in the countless students lives she educated and natured!

Sunday, July 19, 2026

Sunday, July 19, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2005. Mattie was three years old and that week we were celebrating July 4th in the Outer Banks of North Carolina. This was a place that I absolutely loved and I wanted to share this natural beauty with Mattie. I remember these happy times and what life used to look like when we were an intact family. 

Quote of the day: Divorce shreds the muscles of our hearts so that they will hardly beat without a struggle. ~  E. Lockhart 

It has been a hard weekend. Yesterday, I took my parents out to lunch, like I do every Saturday to our local diner. However, nothing about the experience went well, starting with the food. My mom and I always split a big omelet with all sorts of things chopped up in it. One of the items we asked for was ham. Typically the ham is diced into the omelet, but yesterday's omelet was a disaster. Whole pieces of ham were placed in the center of the omelet, not unlike how you would make a sandwich. So I sent that back! The second omelet that came out was worse than the first. It was under cooked and dripping in oil. I balance more than enough at home, that when I go out I don't want to worry about the restaurant's kitchen. Needless to say, all the managers knew I was upset and to top that off, I was hungry. While I was complaining and trying to get something for my mom and I to eat, my dad already finished his lunch. So literally my mom and I never ate, and thankfully the restaurant comped all our meals. 

Moving forward to today, when I took my parents out to brunch, my mom complained that her stomach hurt and she felt nauseous. That would have been nice to know before we left the house. I would never have guessed she had a problem, as she ate breakfast without an issue. That said, my mom was unable to eat anything at brunch, other than bread and hot tea. While balancing her needs, my dad and I had two large trips to the bathroom, in which I had to change him completely. I swear this weekend alone has left me strung out. I should also mention that while taking my dad in the women's room with me, there was another woman who wanted to enter but didn't! Instead she gave me a nasty look and she refused to enter the bathroom with my dad there. I blew right passed her and frankly given the big changing routine that was in store for me, I just couldn't deal with her attitude. Note that this woman was older than me, and was sitting with her husband dining, so I truly would have hoped for a bit more compassion from her. 

When I got home later this afternoon, I got my parents settled, and then I went upstairs to my dad's bathroom to address his shower door. Once a year, I have to tighten the screws on the glass door hinge. I remember the first time I did this in 2024, I thought I was going to pass out from exhaustion. Keep in mind, I had no idea how to tighten the screw or the mechanics of taking the door apart! Actually back then it was such an ordeal that it triggered a massive migraine and nausea. Each subsequent year, the process had gotten slightly easier. Mainly because I know what to expect and how to do it. 

What I do notice, is that my weekly exercise routine is making a difference. I literally have been lifting five pound weights while on the treadmill, since I am quite aware of my lack of upper body strength. All I can say is the weights are making a difference. I was able to effectively use the screw driver today and the Allen wrenches. But I assure you, this may look simple, but it is arduous and tedious. 

See the loose screws? If I did not address this soon enough, the door would literally disengage from the hinge, which would be dangerous! I have been putting this nightmare task off, but today, I took a deep breath and did it!

The finished product! I felt so vindicated that I did this without passing out, that I moved onto my mom's closet to figure out how to change a light bulb in her track lighting system. So how many Vicki's does it take to change a light bulb?! (you know the funny joke!) In this case, the answer is just ONE!

Saturday, July 18, 2026

Saturday, July 18, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2005. Mattie was three years old. That was Mattie's third trip to the Outer Banks of North Carolina. By that point, Mattie was acclimated to the ocean and sand and like me.... he loved to beach comb. We both loved finding little treasures in the sand. I truly thought we would have many more trips to the beach together, but for some reason that we our last vacation in the Outer Banks for the three of us. 

Quote of the day: You know more about someone at the end of relationship than during the relationship. ~ Amit Kalantri

My dad had a physical therapy session today. Though it is hard to get up early and get everything together before the therapist arrives, I find that these sessions do help to give me some structure to my Saturdays. I still find weekends very hard! Most people look forward to weekends, I absolutely hate them. This started after Mattie died! When Mattie was alive, our weekends were filled with outdoor activities, playdates, parties, and school events. Once he died, it was disorienting. We had no school events, most friends shied away from us (because we represented their worst nightmare), and we were like rudderless ships on a turbulent ocean. Yet we found a way to navigate these unchartered waters. In fact, I would say that what we had to endure, childhood cancer and child loss, only brought us closer together. As we were the only two deeply living this journey and understanding the profound impact Mattie's death has been having on our lives. Now I face this forever journey alone.

When you are married, you just assume that this person will always be with you. One of the profoundly disturbing realities of divorce is that 50% of your institutional memory walks right out the door. Many things in my life and in our life together, I remember well, but some details can be blurry and this where I would normally turn to my other half and say..... what was such and such? or do you remember when....? Case in point, for two days now, I have been racking my brain trying to remember the name of a woman I used to know. Mind you I can't remember in what context I knew this woman! So why am I focused on this woman at all? Well the other day, while exercising, a St. Jude's commercial came on TV. I will spare you my diatribe on St. Jude. Moving forward, there was a mom holding a child with cancer in the commercial, and her face reminded me of someone I knew. 

So for two days now, I have been trying to think about this person. My brain is literally flipping through the pages of my memories, trying to link the face to a context and name. But I have yet to figure it out and naturally something so innocent has caused an emotional cascade..... of two things.... first, I don't have the other half of my institutional knowledge to talk with and to figure out the answer to this mystery woman, and then second, I naturally think when I have these moments...... am I getting dementia? 

I live with two parents, both of whom have various stages of dementia. Therefore, I can't help but worry about my own future. However, unlike my parents, I won't have a spouse or a child for emotional support and guidance. I face sobering realities everyday, even while exercising and watching a commercial. 

Friday, July 17, 2026

Friday, July 17, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2004. Mattie was two years old. That summer, we rented a house for a week in the Outer Banks, NC. Mattie's grandparents and cousins joined us for that week. Mattie's cousins were slightly older than he was and therefore were much more comfortable swimming and playing in a pool. Mattie was a little more tentative, yet eager to observe and find out how he could play along. As you can see I was staying close to Mattie because I wasn't sure what his next move was going to be! How I wish Mattie were still alive, he is missed each and every day. 

Quote of the day: Keys cannot unlock a broken heart. ~ Anthony T. Hincks

In January of 2024, Sunny (my incredible Australian Shepherd) died. Sunny was 13 years old when he died. We had him for 8 amazing years, as I adopted him when he was 5. Sunny opened up a whole new world for me. He got me outside, interacting with people and the world, and we did lots and lots of walks. He was the best exercise and provided such loyalty, love, and devotion. He was the best dog, and I always used to say.... I don't know who rescued who! 

When Sunny died, I bought two "Sunny" hibiscus plants at Lowe's. Each Fall, I bring these beauties inside the house for the winter, and then in the spring, I transplant them back outside into these pots. They are truly hardy plants as not all plants winterize well inside, nor do most plants like changing pots twice a year! Today was my very first Sunny bloom for the summer! Whenever I see these big blossoms, I think of my Sunman (my nickname for Sunny). 

The Canadian fires have made our air quality today almost unbearable. My mom had an intense nose bleed, which scared her. But I have experienced these episodes with her in the past, both here and in California. California gets lots of brush fires and every time there was a fire, it triggered a nose bleed. My mom's nose bleeds can be scary, because they can look intense like a hemorrhage. Thankfully I have experienced them before and know how to handle them with her. The surprise however, is the smokey air is impacting me too. No amount of allergy medication is helping me today and for once, I am hoping for rain. 

This afternoon, I finished my continuing education course on dementia. Gaining myself four more hours of continuing education toward my required 40 hours. Here's the funny thing about taking this course.... I have discovered that many of the evidence based strategies and interventions that were discussed, I have intuitively done with my dad. Not from reading books, or consulting with anyone, but having the sheer determination and perhaps creativity to make his quality of life as best as possible. So in a way, this course made me feel proud of myself, because what I negotiate through in any given day is NOT for sissies! 

Thursday, July 16, 2026

Thursday, July 16, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2002. Mattie was three months old in this photo. My parents were visiting and staying with us. Which was a balancing act, because we had limited space in the apartment and Mattie was up at all hours of the night. Literally back then, I was a zombie most days, but I have always been a person who could operate on not a lot of sleep. As you can see, Mattie was sitting in his car seat. I literally put the car seat right inside his stroller. Back then, there weren't strollers that you could snap a car seat into. Mattie preferred being held by me, but the only other thing he tolerated was his car seat. Which was why inside the house, you'd always find Mattie's car seat. At night, I literally would put the car seat right into his crib, because Mattie hated lying flat and would scream and cry until I picked him back up. As I always say.... Mattie was my greatest teacher. I learned that sleep doesn't come naturally to many infants, instead they need to be trained. That was one of many things I learned from Mattie, and in fact, many of the life lessons we gained together, have enabled me to interface with any doctor, hospital, and test result. Mattie prepared me to be the caregiver, advocate, and person I am today. 

Quote of the day: The hard truth of the dissolution of a marriage is that, while it takes two to say “I do,” it takes only one to say “I don’t.” ~ Nicole Sodoma

I think the day after any sort of milestone, that is connected with a loss, is challenging. In fact, sometimes the days after are even harder than the actual milestone date itself. In my case, intense caregiving prevents me from sitting, wallowing, or reflecting too hard on all the pain. But it doesn't take much to scratch the surface to see the consequences of my reality. 

In typical fashion I got my dad up, showered, dressed, and downstairs this morning. He had a make up day at his memory care center and I had to get him there early because his physical therapist was going to assess his progress. After I dropped my dad off, I then went grocery shopping. Sometimes shopping perks me up, but today it had no effect. It was just a chore. 

I came back home to deal with laundry, putting away groceries, and attempting to do more continuing education work for my license. Prior to my divorce, I could sit still for long periods of time, but now, I truly can't just be for more than 30 minutes. My body is programmed to move, address needs, and my mind, is on hyper alert, prepared to deal with the next shoe that will drop. Because from my experience, there will always be the next shoe! 

In the afternoon, I took my mom out for tea. However, we first stopped at the bank, and because of the intense heat, I brought my mom in with me. I literally know everyone who works at the bank. It is like watching an episode of the TV series, Cheers. I walk in, and everyone say.... hi Victoria! I know how all the tellers are doing, I know about their families, and I LOVE, LOVE my banker. My mom met her today. This is the amazing woman who sat down with me last Fall to help me manage debt and understand credit card interest. She did not judge me, instead, she understood that this wasn't one of my responsibilities in my marriage. But as we all acknowledged today..... I am a fast learner.

Summer used to be my favorite time of year. I love warm weather and I love seeing and caring for plants and flowers. Yet, Mattie was diagnosed on July 23, 2008, and that changed the trajectory of summers for me. Add to it being divorced. People all around me are talking about going on vacations. I haven't been on a vacation since 2021. I have had NOT EVEN ONE DAY off since my parents moved into the house. But frankly, even if I wasn't caregiving, vacations have been destroyed for me, as my future plans were to go traveling with my other half. We had experienced so many wonderful places all over the world together and though I am clearly an independent woman, I am a woman who has been in love with one person for most of adult life. It is very hard trying to find my way in the world, a world that went from....three, to two, and now one. 

Wednesday, July 15, 2026

Wednesday, July 15, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken on July 15, 2007. I can tell what date it was from the two wine goblets on the table. One was blue and one was burgundy. They belonged to my paternal grandparents, who were also married on July 15. So we shared a wedding anniversary. When my grandparents died, my uncle gave me these glasses and said I should adopt my grandparent's tradition, which was to drink from these glasses on every anniversary! Hard to believe that my grandparent's glasses remain but not my marriage. 

Quote of the day: In the past when this time of year rolled around you would be buying a card and maybe a gift for your spouse. There may have been a feeling of excitement in expectation of a special dinner, event, or even a romantic getaway. But, all the positive vibes have given way to divorce. Now there is a hole where your heart used to be. Or, at least a sadness. ~ Renee Smith Ettline

There are all sorts of articles on the internet about what you "should do" on your wedding anniversary after your divorce. If you have learned anything about me from Mattie's blog, then you know I do not follow should's, other people's advice about my own grief and trauma, and I most certainly I am not going to shove this day under the rug like it did not exist. It did exist. I have hundreds of family and friends who witnessed the day with me on July 15, 1995, and I have countless blog supporters who have been reading about our life together since Mattie's diagnosis and then life after Mattie's death.  

I chose to get married at the tender age of 24, because to me life is better shared with someone you love. Today would have been my 31st wedding anniversary and we dated 7 years before getting married. So a lifetime together.

This photo was taken of me in my hotel room, right before the wedding. Here's the funny story about this dress! It was the first one I picked, tried one, and loved. My mom insisted I couldn't buy the first dress I tried on. So I went on countless dress hunts. But nothing to me compared to this dress! I still have this dress preserved in a box. My hope was one day I would give it to my child. That of course never happened. 

Me and my mom in the hotel room before the wedding. Like today, it was a sweltering day in Rye, NY. In the 100s, and at one point at our reception, the sky lit up! Not unlike fireworks, except they weren't man made, they were instead signs from nature.... heat lightning. It was magical and something I will never forget. 

We were married by Monsignor Hugh McManus. He was the priest who presided over my confirmation in the Catholic Church (when I was 13). I absolutely loved him, and traveled back to NY (I was living in Washington, DC at the time) to get married in the church I grew up in. 

Me and my bridal party. From left to right are:

Jen, Karen (my maid of honor), me, Colleen, and Christine. 

In 2021, while cleaning out one of my closets in the apartment, I came across a note I wrote to one of the band leaders who was going to perform at my wedding. I wanted her to know that I planned on singing a surprise song right before we cut the cake. I wanted her to know, and I wanted her and the band to sing back up! Seriously the band loved it and were thrilled to play along with me. This was what I wrote to Mary Ann (the lead singer of the band)......

I have enclosed a copy of the music "my guy" (a 1960's song, by Mary Wells) with the lyrics that I plan to sing with it. I would like the band to do the back up parts. These parts are underlined. I have also enclosed a print out of the lyrics without music. Please inform the band for me that this is a surprise for my fiancé. He has no idea that I am planning this. I would like to do this song right before it is time to cut the cake, if that is alright with the band. 

A photo of me singing on my wedding day! 

Here are the lyrics I wrote to the song, "my guy." I replaced the name with an X.

#1

X, can you believe that finally today we're married

Just 6 years ago, would you have imagined we'd marry

When we first met at Union College we got to know each other and, we were goners

I just want to tell ya how happy I am that we're married

 

#2

X, I decided it was finally my turn to surprise you

I knew you'd never suspect that I was planning to surprise you

But I felt it was important to express myself, and let everyone know that you're my true love

You best be believing that I am so happy we're married 

#3

As a couple who has travelled from Schenectady, New York and landed up living in Washington, DC, I must say that we have muddled through whatever life has, dished out and given, has in store for us.

#4

So X, my dear, this is just a little song to remind you

When things get tough you will always have me beside you

Our parents are examples that prove to us, that with work and understanding, love's forever.

I just want to tell ya how happy I am that we're married. 

This is a page from my wedding album. You maybe asking........ what is happening here? Why is everyone standing around the dance floor in a circle? Well it was the end of the reception. Everyone was having a great time. The band played and sang Dionne Warwick's song.... That's what friends are for. I knew they were going to do this, as we planned this together, as the last song of the evening! However, the original plan was that we were going to dance as a married couple while everyone watched. So we started that way, but then that did not sit well with me. Yes it was our event, but it was an event commemorated by our family and friends and I felt they needed to be acknowledged too. 

So, in typical Vicki fashion, I went off script!!! I walked over to my parents first and thanked them and gave them hugs. Keep in mind by that point people were swaying to the music and getting into it! I then went over to my former mother-in-law and thanked her and gave her a big hug (which is what you see in the photo). From there, I went around the entire circle (to my cousin Maureen.... you and Phil are in the top photo!) and thanked and hugged every person who attended and shared this special day with us. It was a beautiful and meaningful wrap up, and captured in such a poignant song.... That's what friends are for!

Tuesday, July 14, 2026

Tuesday, July 14, 2026 -- Mattie died 854 weeks ago today. 

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2003. Mattie was a year old and this was his very first trip to the beach. It was a hard beach trip, because Mattie was afraid of the water and hated the texture of the sand. That was our first and last trip down to the shoreline that year. As you can see, Mattie couldn't take his eyes off the water and he most certainly did not want me to let go of him! A year later.... Mattie loved the beach, but of course at that time, I had no idea that a year could make such a difference!

Quote of the day: My heart has a small dark chamber, an orphanage of my abandoned hopes. Every time I walk in there, I see you. I don't know why I cry. ~ Njau Kihia

Out of my office window today, I saw a bright red flower. I knew exactly what it was.... it was a gladiola. My other half planted gladiola bulbs in 2022. My former mother-in-law's mother was named Gladys. Therefore these gladiolas were a tribute to Gladys. Here's the irony of this.... I have lived in this house all these years.... but this is the first year in which a gladiola actually bloomed! I view this as a sign and I sent it to my former mother-in-law. 

Tomorrow would have been my 31st wedding anniversary. How does one acknowledge this day? Just like when Mattie died.... no one sends me birthday cards and no one is celebrating. My wedding has now been lumped into the same category..... another occasion which people try to erase and don't talk about. Yet this is my history, this has been my world since I was 19 years old. While it might be easy for others to brush the whole thing under the rug, it isn't that way for me AT ALL. This photo was taken in 2012. Why am I in front of this stone house? Because this was where we held our rehearsal dinner for our wedding. We were in Harrison, NY in 2012, and I wanted to visit this special place 17 years after we were married. 

This stone house is actually referred to as "the Mansion." It was once the countryside estate of architect John Carrere. This Normandy style mansion was built from stone quarried right from the property and rivals the estates in the historic Hudson valley. Carrere's famous works include the NY Public Library, The US House of Representatives and the US Senate. 

Do you see the little brass bell with the flower on it? We had a special rehearsal dinner and the gift we gave to all our guests at the dinner was this little brass bell. We had guests ring the bell during dinner to celebrate our pending nuptials. To this day, I still have this bell in my office. 

Now check out the little silver woman holding a cup over her head. This is called a bridal wedding cup. It was given to me by my former in-laws. In the 16th century, the cup was used as a wedding toast in which the groom drank from the larger skirt-cup, then flipped the entire piece and pivoted the smaller cup for the bride to drink from simultaneously without spilling a drop! I still have this cutie in my office, right next to the bell.

Then there was this Lladro statue of a bride and groom. We nicknamed this statue "lefty" because when I shipping it from California (where my parents lived at the time) to NY (where my wedding was), the statue broke at the left thumb. We glued it together and it was our wedding cake topper. My mom wanted to get us an intact statue, but I liked the story behind lefty and I decided.... no, I like the broken one. For years, it was our  family's inside joke! 

A shelf in my office.... you can see the wedding cup, the bell, "Lefty" and the tea cup with the roses on it (with white almonds inside). This cup was the wedding favor we gave to all our guests. I love roses and my wedding bouquet was all roses and the centerpieces were all roses too!

Can you see the glorious rose centerpiece on one of our wedding tables? I will never forget visiting the florist in New Jersey. They had refrigerators of flowers for as far as the eye could see and together we designed something that looked Victorian and magical. 

I share these photos because this is my history, this is the commitment and devotion I have had to my marriage, and why it is devastating that such an incredible union was destroyed. 

Monday, July 13, 2026

Monday, July 13, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2009. We were home and Mattie received this wooden Sponge Bob figurine from a friend. I was NOT a Sponge Bob fan and did not allow Mattie to watch it. But once he got cancer, he learned about this cartoon in clinic. Of course, the more I did not like something, the more Mattie loved it (like any kid)! In this photo, Mattie was giving me his Sponge Bob impression! Totally priceless!!! 

Quote of the day: I was in charge of everything and in control of nothing. ~ Sarah Manguso

I woke up this morning and realized things were beeping around the house and I had to address it. Yet, if I focused on the beeping, I wouldn't be able to get ready in time, make breakfast, get my dad up and my mom ready for her physical therapy session. Every day, it is a different kind of rat race! I never know what shoe is going to drop, but rest assured, something will happen. I am always braced for it. 

When I finally got my dad to his memory care center, I came home, and walked into a train wreck. The kitchen looked like there was an explosion of rubber and a flood of water all over the floor. I did not know what was going on, all I could see was my mom was walking around in circles and making the situation worse. I immediately got her to a chair to sit down, so I could assess what was going on! Because believe it or not, my mom couldn't explain what was happening, nor did she know why there was a flood of water on the floor and rubber pieces everywhere. 

It turns out while out walking with her physical therapist, the tread of her sneakers must have been coming off, so the pieces (and I mean the mind field of rubber) all over the kitchen was from her shoes. Then she did not know how to clean it while I was gone, so she got paper towels and was throwing water on the floor. Seriously I am talking a disaster in the making. 

After dealing with that, I then went to the next demand from the mortgage assumption company. Recap, I have been working on this mortgage assumption since May. When I tell you it is beyond stressful, I am not kidding, because I was denied the first time, and then quickly reapplied with my parents. I have a finite time to get this resolved thanks to my marital settlement agreement. Therefore, the stress upon me is enormous because the notion of moving right now would be detrimental to my parents. Any sort of change causes havoc, therefore, I am working very hard to get this assumption done. But as one of my family members says to me all the time..... YOU SHOULDN'T have to move, this is your home! CORRECT! I picked this house, and I have worked very hard at maintaining this house ALONE since 2023. Therefore, YES THIS IS MY HOUSE and just like anything that I love, I will fight and advocate to the very end. But why must life be this hard, this unkind, and this unfair? 

I am a big Maslow Hierarchy of Needs person! This is a theory of psychological health predicated on fulfilling innate human needs in priority, culminating in self-actualization. Since my separation and then divorce, I truly have been working at the bottom of the pyramid.... trying to manage my own and my parent's needs (food, sleep, health, security, and safety). I truly am not stable enough to even move up the pyramid to address social needs and forget about self-actualization. That is a foreign concept to me altogether. 

Sunday, July 12, 2026

Sunday, July 12, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2009. Mattie was in the outpatient clinic and that day he worked on creating this figure in the photo! Meet Dr. Crazy Hair. This doctor came upstairs to the in-patient unit with us and he stood right outside Mattie's room door greeting everyone entering! Dr. Crazy Hair not only had feathers for hair, but he had a big toe nail (a shell) in his coat pocket and a stethoscope made out of model magic. When I asked Mattie why the doctor had a "toenail" in his pocket, his response was "it was infected and he pulled it right off of a patient."

Quote of the day: The whole world seems tilted, my inner ear displaced by a hole where my spouse used to be. ~ Suzanne Finnamore

Today was another winner of a day. Eating with my dad is becoming more and more challenging. He still thinks he likes to go out to eat, which is why I do it, but I find he no longer likes to eat anything that he used to love. Even things he loved a month ago! My dad used to love shrimp. He would order it everywhere. Now he isn't interested in it at all. In fact, what primarily interests him is bread and butter and potatoes or corn. 

Each week, I never know what I am going to get, what he will eat, or will he shovel too much food in his mouth and choke. Eating with him, means constant policing. I am not policing him about etiquette, I am policing him about hygiene and safety issue. My dad ALWAYS has a runny nose when he eats! It doesn't matter what the season is and unfortunately if I do not instruct him to blow his nose, he will let this dripping fluid migrate into his mouth. When I take him out, I have countless packets of tissues (he can go through a whole packet in one meal at least) and garbage bags with me to collect all used tissues. 

Today the restaurant put chopped tomatoes into the corn dish. My dad refused to eat the tomatoes. Instead of picking them out or having me do it, he would instead put them in his mouth, chew them, and then spit them out. He did this numerous times, and despite instructing him not to eat them, he didn't listen. If my dad wants to do this kind of spitting at home, that is one thing, but I do not like him doing this in public. So it was a full afternoon of monitoring and policing. 

Mind you before we left for the restaurant, I had my dad use the bathroom. However, that served no purpose because somewhere during our meal my dad went again. He no longer tells me when he has to go, because he has no cognitive ability to feel those sensations. Therefore, I have become very good at reading his non-verbals. I know all the telltale signs of him having to use the bathroom. Though I suggested we leave the table and use the bathroom twice, he refused. I am pretty sure he refused because he doesn't want to get up and walk. 

By the time I got my dad up to leave the restaurant for home, it was like looking at a crime scene. It was so bad, that I decided I couldn't manage this big change of clothes and clean up job at the restaurant. So instead, I put my dad in the car, protected the seat, and drove him home in this state. Once home, it took me about twenty minutes to clean him, change him into clean clothes, and replace all his wound care bandages. Which then led to another round of laundry. I can't tell you how many times my washing machine runs in one day, all I can say is thank goodness I am not living in my Washington, DC apartment, because the notion of fighting other tenants for machines would do me in completely. I did it for 20+ years, even with a baby in tow, but I neither have the fortitude or energy for that anymore. 

Saturday, July 11, 2026

Saturday, July 11, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2009. Next to Mattie was Brandon and Jocelyn, Mattie's closest buddies. That day Brandon was celebrating his 19th birthday! Remember that Mattie was 7, and yet he related to Brandon and Jocelyn and not the other kids closer to his age at the hospital. What I do know is Brandon was an amazing friend to Mattie. Even when he completed his cancer treatment, he came to the hospital to visit Mattie (and he lived over an hour away from the hospital) and the day Mattie died, Brandon was in the room with us as we had an impromptu wake around Mattie. I learned a lot from Mattie's special friendships. 

Quote of the day: Trust is the bedrock of intimacy; it is the ability to rely on someone because you believe that he or she has your best interest at heart. ~ Chana Levitan

There are days when my reality hits more so than others. Weekends are particularly hard. As there is not as much structure to our Saturdays and Sundays. It is in these moments, when I can't help but miss my other half and our life and history together. This July 15th would have been our 31st wedding anniversary, and we dated 7 years prior to that, so in essence a lifetime together. In moments when I am overwhelmed, I garden. I spent two hours outside trimming bushes and pulling weeds. 

One of the wonderful features of the garden is this bubbler fountain. The previous owner installed it and I LOVE it! So do the birds. I enjoy hearing the water, and find that sound alone so therapeutic. The motor of this fountain died last year and I was in a panic about how to fix this problem. But Steve (my lawn care guru) replaced the motor and got a powerful one so that I could hear the cascading water. 

 

Despite the heat, the garden is thriving. 

In the spring of 2025, I bought a geranium plant at Lowe's. It did so well last summer, that I brought the pot inside for the winter and the plant continued to thrive. So I brought it back outside for the summer. Can you see how big this plant has gotten? On either side of the germanium are poinsettias! Here is the funny story about this.... typically I kill these plants before Christmas is over. But I now have four poinsettias that are thriving from year to year! 

My basil is in this big barrel planter and the wall hosts my other herbs (mint, chive, oregano, thyme, and rosemary)! When I was married, we also grew vegetables. Now I can't look at a vegetable in a garden without thinking of what my life used to look like. Needless to say, I will never be growing a vegetable in my garden. 

My rose garden, planted for me by my other half. When we bought this house, there were many parts of the backyard that needed thoughtful reimaging. This was one of those areas!

This area of the garden was also a runaway nightmare. We corrected that! Now I have roses growing there, along with lilacs and irises! All of this is my therapy, where I check my problems, fears, and worries at the door, and just absorb the greenery and beauty.