Tuesday, November 19, 2024

Tuesday, November 19, 2024 -- Mattie died 789 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2002. Mattie was seven months old. That day, we received this hooded sweatshirt in the mail. It was a gift from my mentor at Union College (where I received my bachelor's degree). Prof Styles wanted to congratulate me on the birth of Mattie and to welcome Mattie into our college family. After all, Peter and I met at Union College, and naturally the hope was that Mattie would also be interested in visiting or even going there one day! In any case, we snapped this photo of Mattie to share with Prof. Styles. Our life and future looked so differently back then. 

Quote of the day: Everything can change in a heartbeat; it can slip away in an instant. Everything you trust, and treasure, whatever brings you comfort, comes at a terrible cost. Health is temporary; money disappears. Safety is nothing but an illusion. So when the moment comes, and everything you depend upon changes, or perhaps someone you love disappears, or no longer loves you, must disaster follow? Or will you-somehow-adapt? ~ Margaret Overton

Excellent quote, excellent question! Will disaster follow or will I somehow adapt to being divorced? The answer is I truly don't know. I received a message from a friend today who knows me and witnessed countless times the incredible bond and connection I had with Peter. In fact, most people who knew us are as perplexed as I am about the dissolution of my marriage. But what my friend today reminded me of is that I have to take things at my own time and my own pace.

That is very insightful because I find when the therapist, lawyer, or others want me to close this chapter of my life, in order to have a new beginning, I find this very upsetting. It completely negates my feelings, how I operate in the world, and most definitely doesn't account for the fact that I spent more of my life with Peter, than without him. It isn't a good feeling to be the one left behind, to know that I am no longer loved by the person I entrusted my life to, and then to also understand that he has moved on, and has a brand new life.  

My friend Ann came over today to help me with the Foundation's annual drive items. This week, I want as many of these donations delivered to hospitals as possible. We loaded her car up and then she helped me carry my big Friday delivery to the garage, so that I can more easily load the car on Thursday night. I assure you candy and snacks can be very heavy to lift, and it saddens me that I now do these item drives without Peter. We used to be quite a team, or so I thought. 

This afternoon, I took my parents for their RSV (Respiratory syncytial virus) vaccine. My mom's pulmonologist has been insisting she take this vaccine, given that she has several lung conditions. He wanted her to take it last year, but since it was a new vaccine, I wasn't comfortable letting her receive it. But this year, the doctor got to me, because he explained that with my mom, she most likely would be hospitalized if she contracted this virus. Any case, I sat with each of my parents as they got their injection. In both cases, they immediately screamed in pain. My dad practically jumped out of his chair, that is how bad it was. Both of them complained of stinging and burning for about an hour after the shot was administered. In addition, both of my parents became extremely exhausted from the shot. So we shall see what tomorrow holds. 

Meanwhile, on Thursday, I am going to the DMV, to change the title of our cars. I HATE with every FIBER OF MY BEING, having to negotiate all this paperwork! Having to figure out everything for myself, on my own! If the therapist tells me one more time about my strength, I literally may bop her on the head! I have gone from a person who didn't pay bills, manage finances, taxes, handle house repairs, and the list goes on! 

Keep it in mind that I am doing all of this with a cluster headache! I stayed up late last night working on the DMV documentation and I am hoping that I have completed the right things. I am bringing many documents in tow with me on Thursday because I am not sure exactly what I need (despite talking to a representative on the phone). I have to get this right, because running back and forth is not easy for me with my caregiving schedule. 

Monday, November 18, 2024

Monday, November 18, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2003. Mattie was a year and a half old! He naturally gravitated to puzzles. I can't tell you how many times we did this one together. When Mattie was in the hospital, he was 6 years old. It wasn't unusual for us to tackle a 500 piece puzzle in his room. This size puzzle can be a challenging for adults, but Mattie enjoyed sorting and finding pieces that went together. I am very grateful Mattie loved these kinds of fine motor activities, because they kept us engaged and busy throughout Mattie's cancer journey.  

Quote of the day: Divorce shreds the muscles of our hearts so that they will hardly beat without a struggle. ~ E. Lockhart

I did not sleep well last night. Between my cluster headache and non stop panic attacks, I think I finally fell asleep at 3am, just to get up at 6:30am. This of course doesn't help how I feel. I can't imagine a day where someone would care about my needs, a day where someone wants to support me, and a day when I am not in a panic about finances, bills, and my future. Each day I wake up saying to myself.... what shoe will drop today!? What unexpected bill will be in my mailbox, what unexpected house repair will I have to contend with, or what health crisis will present itself?! I have to say that I really do not see a future for myself, in fact, there are days where I do not even know my own identity. I lost the role of mom and now wife. 

I took my mom to Washington, DC today for her hair and nail appointment. My headache was bearable this morning but by noon, the stabbing pain within my eye and head were extreme. Yet who cares? I have to suck it up and continue forward because this is the life Peter has left me. My life has been decimated in the most cruel manner and when I had a meltdown on Sunday, my rant entailed the mistake I made in life which was putting everyone else's needs ahead of my own. Raising Mattie, being present to serve as a manager of our household, running Mattie Miracle full time without taking a salary, and now being my parents' caregiver. I did these things because I thought Peter supported these decisions and that we were a team. But now at the end of the day, I am left with nothing, and I don't get it! I doubt I will ever get it. 

Sunday, November 17, 2024

Sunday, November 17, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2002. Mattie was 7 months old. As you can see, he was zooming around our first floor in his "tot wheels." That gizmo was a total lifesaver, as it gave Mattie the mobile independence he craved. He followed me around everywhere, an no corner or space was too difficult for him to maneuver himself into!

Quote of the day: Any way I slice reality it comes out poorly, and I feel an urge to not exist, something I have never felt before; and now here it comes with conviction, almost panic. I mentally bless and exonerate anyone who has kicked a chair out from beneath her or swallowed opium in large chunks. My mind has met their environment, here in the void. I understand perfectly. ~ Suzanne Finnamore

My head feels like it could explode and as if a sharp knife is going through my eye! This is not a migraine, but a cluster headache. Another nightmare that I get from time to time. They aren't as frequent thankfully, because these headaches are nick named, the suicide headache. That should give you some idea of the intensity of the pain. Cluster headaches can last weeks to months. I am truly hoping that it isn't months, because I assure you I am living with enough pain emotionally right now. What would help is less stress, a normal life, and more sleep, support, and kindness. 

After getting my dad settled today, I had some Foundation work to do. I reviewed the Foundation's therapy grant program which started in 2022. Since its inception, we have awarded 7 grants to children, so they can seek therapeutic support within their community. To date we have awarded over $10,000 of grants! 

After that work, I then started compiling the Item Drive goodies that our community generously donated to Mattie Miracle. This is only some of the items. Since it is only me carrying things now, I gave up after transferring these items from one room to the hallway in front of Mattie's Mr. Sun painting.

Starting this week and next, these items will be donated to Children's Hospital at Sinai (Baltimore, MD), MedStar Georgetown Hospital (Washington, DC), and NIH's Clinical Center (Bethesda, MD). All three hospitals house our Mattie Miracle Snack & Item Carts. 

A BIG THANK YOU to all our supporters who made these Mattie Miracles possible!

Saturday, November 16, 2024

Saturday, November 16, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2003. Mattie was a year and half old. He was fully on! I am not sure why, but Mattie loved spending time in the kitchen sink. Playing with sponges and all the kitchen items! I imagine he saw me spending so much time doing things, that he wanted his own bird's eye view of the sink and the  counters. 

Quote of the day: Lies don't end relationships the truth does. ~ Shannon L. Alder

This morning I was focused on shutting all of our hose bibs outside and bleeding the lines, so that our pipes do not freeze with the colder weather. My plumber showed me how to do this last fall. So I remembered the process.

Once my dad's physical therapist was here this morning, I went outside to manage this horrible task. The problem wasn't so much bleeding the water lines, what got me was I couldn't unscrew the hoses from the hose caddy. I tried a wrench, I tried cleaning up the calcium water build up on the metal with white vinegar and then WD 40! Nothing worked. I was getting exhausted trying to screw hoses, so I literally disconnected the hose from the water spigot and then carried the entire hose and caddy into the garage. 

I have learned that it is easier to get water out of the pipes if you leave the outside spigots running, so water flows out. While this is happening, I then went inside and slowly turned off the water supply to that hose bib. Once that got done, then I got my bucket, opened up the drain cap and captured any water that was still in the pipes. One of the inside water valves that supplies our hoses requires me to get up on a tall ladder. As the valve is close to the basement ceiling. So after shutting off the water supply, I then needed to open up the drain cap to ensure NO WATER was in the pipes. However, when I opened up one of the caps nothing was coming out. So I thought I did something wrong. I made the mistake of turning back on the water supply with the drain cap off. It was like I was hit with rushing water coming out of a fire hose. I almost fell right off the ladder. I was soaked and had to quickly reach the water valve before I flooded the basement. We have three water valves and drain caps, so I had to do this process three times. 

Once the inside lines were clear of water, I went back outside, and closed the water spigots for the winter. Later tonight I wrote to my plumber to confirm I followed the right procedure! Which I did! However, I told him when he comes over next, I need to learn how to unscrew these hoses from the hose caddy. I can't get them to budge, but then again, I don't have the most upper body strength. 

This evening I am suffering with an intense migraine. I think the stress of managing these projects and paying bills today, were a very bad combination. I hate having to cope with all of this alone and I think it is tragic that the man who was once my husband has no concern for my well being, whether I need any help or assistance at the house, and prefers to be totally disconnected from me. It is like the past 35 years have been erased from his memory. I truly can't think of anything that could be more hurtful to me right now. 

Friday, November 15, 2024

Friday, November 15, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2003. Mattie was a year and a half old. That weekend we took him to a park in Virginia that had livestock. As you can see Mattie was fascinated by this beautiful sheep. Mattie's hands and fingers were like little radar scopes, and his left hand was desperately trying to grab at this sheep's wool. You got to give it to this sheep! She just stood there eating hay! This has always been one of my favorite photos! "Mattie and the Sheep!"

Quote of the day: Delusion detests focus and romance provides the veil. ~  Suzanne Finnamore

Today was a complete blur. Last night we lost power twice! I woke up multiple times, because when the power goes out, it becomes silent in my room. The fan and sound machine go off! This jolts me awake. So I didn't sleep well and then I never heard my alarm go off this morning. Fortunately my body is programmed never to sleep past 7am. Thankfully otherwise, I would never have gotten my dad up, showered, dressed and to his memory care program. 

Before I left the house this morning, I made sure everyone had breakfast, I cleaned that up, and left my mom ready for her physical therapy session at home. I got my dad in the car and took him to his memory program. From there, my treadmill existence started. What did I do?

• I first went to the Fairfax Circuit Court to file paperwork and then went to their computer banks to search cases. My legal team has been encouraging me to look up some things for myself. I did not want to do it, but seeing facts as clear as day, provides me with validity and transparency. It helps me come to terms with connecting my mind and my heart to my situation. I literally got absorbed in the computer room for over an hour. If I did not have other things to do, I could have stayed at the court for half of a day reading. Everyone I interfaced with at the court couldn't have been nicer or more helpful. 
• While at court, I also took a conference call with a mom in Florida whose son has cancer. This diagnosis has wrecked havoc on his siblings and we discussed how a therapy grant from Mattie Miracle could assist the family. 
• Then I hopped back in the car and dragged myself to the grocery store. I say dragged because I really wanted to go home and lie down. But then NOTHING would get done. 
• I came home and unpacked groceries, managed the laundry, fed the cat, and paid my mom's bills. 
• Then I got my mom in the car and went to the bank. 
• From there I took my mom to Starbucks. 
• Then picked my dad up at the memory care center. 
• It did not end there. I got home and changed both my parent's bed and mine and did more loads of laundry. 
• Did some Foundation work. 
• Cooked, served, and cleaned dinner. 

It is now 9:15pm, and I have to say I am worn out. But my day is never over until both of my parents are in bed. All I can say is God give me strength! 

Thursday, November 14, 2024

Thursday, November 14, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2007. Mattie was five years old. That day we walked around Roosevelt Island and we came back with a crinkly hedge apple. These funny looking fruits lined the ground and they intrigued Mattie. So he picked one up and we brought it home. First we had to look up the name of this strange fruit and then we decided to cut it open and see what was inside. We also wanted to know if it had a fragrance! We learned that the fruit has a lemony citrus smell! A crinkly hedge apple is the fruit of the Osage orange tree. The fruit is a large, heavy, green ball with a tough, wrinkled surface that turns yellow-green in the fall. It's full of seeds and a sticky, acrid white latex that can irritate the skin. Hedge apples are not edible to humans, but they are not poisonous to pets. 

I may have been Mattie's mom, but every day and adventure with him was a learning opportunity for me! As I always say... Mattie was my greatest teacher. 

Quote of the day: In every friendship hearts grow and entwine themselves together, so that the two hearts seem to make only one heart with only a common thought. That is why separation is so painful; it is not so much two hearts separating, but one being torn asunder. ~ Fulton J. Sheen

It has been non-stop this week with doctor appointments. On Tuesday, I took my dad for a follow up appointment with his internist. Yesterday, I took my mom to the hospital for her Prolia injection, and today I took my dad to the foot doctor. None of this may sound overwhelming, until you actually see what it takes to mobilize my parents. Just herding them out of the house on time is a feat, but then there is the sheer logistics. My mom holds onto my hand at all times. My other hand is juggling their blankets, tote bag (filled with depends and change of clothing for my dad), and my dad's seat cushion. I manage this while also keeping my eyes on my dad as he negotiates places with his walker. It is overwhelming doing this alone, but since I have been doing it for quite some time, it is second nature to me. That said, it is exhausting, with no end in sight. 

After my dad's doctor appointment, I took my parents to our local diner for lunch. When we arrived, the restaurant was packed, as we went around noon. I was able to find a chair for my dad to sit in, but all the other chairs were taken. So my mom was standing with me. Next to my dad was an older couple sitting. The couple got up and offered a chair to my mom while we waited for a table. My mom took the chair and then said to me... they are old too, do I look that unsteady on my feet that they would offer me a chair? My answer was YES! My mom's view of herself is stuck in the past. She doesn't have the insight on her memory loss, significant balance issues, and her other vulnerabilities. I try not to dwell on it with her, because this can make her upset and depressed. So instead, I absorb and observe her decline and try to compensate in order to ensure her safety. 

We have gotten to know many of the people working in this diner. The waiter who works with us each week is a love. He is around my age, married, and has two children and a dog. He truly is great with my parents and also helps me lift my dad from his chair and helps him get his coat on! Since I typically manage the impossible on my own, I welcome Jason's help whenever he is free to assist. 

Later on this evening, I had my weekly therapy appointment. I have seen this therapist for a year now. If someone would have told me years ago that Peter would leave me, the horrible circumstances around his leaving, and that I would need to seek counseling, I would have laughed! I always thought Peter and I were invincible. That we had an impenetrable bond. It is hard to believe I could be SO SO wrong. Any case, the therapist realizes that I struggle with the fact that Peter won't talk to me. That I wish to have input from him and communication. In response to this she said I have to "attend and befriend" that side of me. 

I suppose this trite statement means to accept this fear and need, acknowledge it, and find a way to put it somewhere so that I can move forward without being connected to Peter. Literally I snapped at her! I told her that "attend and befriend" is trite. To me it is a platitude, that has little to no significant meaning to me. Therefore, I told her to add it to the long list of other "don't use" platitudes she has shared with me over time. I am sure I caught her off guard. But you can't expect me to sever my love and ties with a man who has been part of my life since I was 19. I also told her asking me to close a door on my last 35 years of my life, in order to look future focused isn't happening. She clearly doesn't know who she is dealing with. I am a creature of consistency. I despise change and if I develop an attachment to someone, it is a bond for life. So she is asking me to do things that are counterintuitive and NOT ME. 

Last week the therapist told me that I am hanging onto the notion of Peter, because this helps me avoid the feelings associated with abandonment, betrayal, and divorce. I told my friend in England about this conversation, and her response was hysterical! She basically said, she should try living in your shoes! Doesn't she know that you live with these feelings each minute of every day!? Exactly, how can my friend across the pond know this but the therapist can't?! A rhetorical question because I know the answer. 

The answer is, which I learned from Mattie's diagnosis and then death, that many people are limited. When out of their comfort zone, people turn to platitudes! The platitudes are not for the recipient but for the deliverer. When my therapist looks at me like I may not know what I am talking about, I give her an example of what people are like when they are out of their comfort zone. Do you know when Mattie died, people would avoid me like the plague. I represented something they couldn't handle. On several occasions, while grocery shopping, parents from Mattie's school would see me. Instead of talking to me, they put their heads down, as if they didn't see me, and quickly moved to another aisle of the store. I can't tell you how hurtful that was. In addition, I also had two close friends from graduate school. I had known then for 15+ years. However, after Mattie died, they severed our friendship. One friend told me she had to do this because my situation was making her ill. I kid you not! 

I mention this because I know all too well how changes in my life circumstances change how people view me. It changes friendships. Seen it and been there, and these changes only compound the isolation and the losses. 

Wednesday, November 13, 2024

Wednesday, November 13, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken on November 13, 2007. Peter's birthday! Mattie and I baked a cake for Peter and he was so excited to be able to celebrate his dad's birthday. For 35 years, November 13, has meant so much to me. The date is forever etched in my mind and it is hard to understand how on earth I have lost both of the men in my life. 

Quote of the day: You don't know when you're twenty-three. You don't know what it really means to crawl into someone else's life and stay there. You can't see all the ways you're going to get tangled, how you're going to bond skin to skin. How the idea of separating will feel in five years, in ten - in fifteen. When Georgie thought about divorce now, she imagined lying side by side with Neal on two operating tables while a team of doctors tried to unthread their vascular systems. She didn't know at twenty-three. ~ Rainbow Rowell

Tonight's quote is absolutely perfect. That is exactly how I feel. When you are with someone for 35 years, been through life's most horrific trauma (child loss), and experienced so many day to day and milestone moments, it is as if you almost become one. When I read tonight's quote about unthreading vascular systems, it resonated with me. Each day I wake up completely disillusioned. I would like to say that feeling has subsided, since I have been at it for a year now. But the answer is no. It is just more familiar and I have had to adjust, but does my mind and heart accept this? NO! 

It is hard to imagine that Peter celebrated a birthday, and I wasn't present. That I have NO IDEA how he spends his time, where he lives, what he does, and better yet how he believes that his life is better without me. It just doesn't compute! I would have to say this whole issue occupies my every waking hour, and my brain is in over drive trying to understand how I went from being Peter's everything to nothing. Nothing about our separation and divorce has made sense to me. The moment Peter walked out of our house was the last time we really talked. Peter refuses my calls and we are unable to meet, talk, or converse about us. 

Ironically I have developed a friendship with someone in England. Our lives are somewhat in parallel. The circumstances maybe slightly different, but how our separations were executed and communicated to us were practically mirror images. We met in a support group, which I disengaged with after the second session, but fortunately she and I remain connected, daily. We share our thoughts and feelings constantly and what the average person would get tired of hearing, we don't! We are living a parallel trauma and what we remind one another each day, is to take it one day at a time. 

This was a week filled with addressing legal paperwork. In fact, I went back to my lawyer's office today. If I hear one more person congratulate me on my divorce, I may blow up in about 1,000 pieces. To me a divorce isn't to be celebrated, especially when it wasn't something I wanted in the first place. I am extremely fatigued of lawyers, lawyer bills, and the stress associated with what shoe will drop in my e-mail box today! I live under constant stress, constant duress, and as the legal work comes to an end, then what? It isn't like I have achieved anything I wanted after ridiculous legal bills! My relationship of 35 years, has been discarded and degraded into a Final Order of Divorce. Rather humbling to see your union dissolved into words, and like the old game show, Let's Make a Deal, I apparently picked the wrong curtain in life, and have been left with a clunker of a future. 

Tuesday, November 12, 2024

Tuesday, November 12, 2024 -- Mattie died 788 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2004. Mattie was two years old. My mother in law sent Patches, our calico cat, this cat toy. However, guess who enjoyed the toy more? That's right.... Mattie. When he pressed the hand pump and toy mouse would pop out of the hole. Well Mattie thought that was absolutely hysterical. The beauty of life with Mattie!

Quote of the day: I'll tell you something, Harpy," he said, his voice almost a whisper now. "It never even occurred to me that we wouldn't make it. And it never occurred to you that we would. You were just waiting for us to go down in flames. I thought we could get through anything. ~  Kristan Higgins

This morning I took my parents to my dad's doctor appointment. He was scheduled to see the internist, to follow up on his diabetes, irritable bowel syndrome and discuss his recovery from his kidney stone surgeries. For the last two months the doctor had me do an experiment. Our goal was to see if my dad's irritable bowel issues were further exacerbated by medication. So he had me stop his diabetes medication for two weeks to see if there was a difference. There wasn't! So I then restarted that medication and stopped one of his memory medications for two weeks. Also no difference! So after two weeks I restarted that memory medication and then stopped the second memory medication for two weeks. When I stopped the second memory medication (Donepezil), I noticed a difference. When on Donepezil, I was dealing with 5 or more bowel movements a day. They were explosive and the clean up of him after each one was extensive. 

So today we discussed the ramifications of stopping Donepezil altogether. What I learned is that these memory medications are really not intended for long term usage, mainly because after about a year they lose their effectiveness. The goal is to slow down the progression. He drew for me a curve of how the memory decline would naturally occur, versus how it occurs when on memory meds. Definitely more gradual, but here's the thing. After a year or so, the decline is rapid and stopping Donepezil, the decline maybe even faster. The doctor painted a very difficult picture for me today. He confronted me and said there will come a time when I won't be able to manage my dad alone. He said he will need help toileting and dressing. I told him, I was ALREADY DOING THESE THINGS! I think this caught the doctor by surprise. My dad looks very together, and his assumption was my dad was part of this process. He quickly learned that my dad is functioning only because of me. 

If it was just a memory issue, I probably could maintain my dad indefinitely. But the doctor educated me that since this is a neurological disease, there will come a time where my dad will not be able to remember how to use the walker, how to walk, how to swallow, and so forth. Truly as he was telling me, a complete wave of grief came over me. He could see that I was just about to cry and become very upset. But I caught myself, as I am very good at putting up walls so I can manage whatever task is at hand. I told the doctor, I will take it one day at a time. He said that was a good way of handling this and he told me he is here to help me. 

Any case this visit today has remained in my head all day. Playing like a broken loop of a record. Truly when I think about all the things happening to me at once, it makes me pause. It is all so devastating and even more devastating that I am facing these things without my husband. 

Monday, November 11, 2024

Monday, November 11, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2007. Mattie was five years old. That day we walked down to the National Mall so that we could see the Veteran's Day parade. Mattie was never a fan of crowds, but this parade had it all from horses to music. It was very patriotic and I am glad we had this memorable moment with Mattie. As this was our first and last parade with Mattie, because a year later, he was diagnosed with cancer. 

Quote of the day: Such silence has an actual sound, the sound of disappearance.  ~ Suzanne Finnamore

In honor of Veteran's Day, my dad's memory care center awarded him a certificate on Friday. When they presented it to me at the end of the day, I explained that my dad was in the Army, and he was a surgical nurse. The staff wasn't aware of this and my dad did not share that fact with them. He is very proud of his certificate and I plan on taking a photo of it and converting it into a glass plaque. 

To this day my dad can recall his role as a surgical nurse and apparently he was involved in a surgical case in which a soldier needed his leg amputated. He can tell you about this and a lot more!

This morning started with our irrigation professional coming to turn off our sprinklers for the winter. I have gotten to know Steve quite well, as he has his own relationship issues. So when we are together we swap war stories. He wanted to help me shut off my hoses, but I said... NO I would do it! This is my new philosophy, I want as little help from anyone as possible. Of course if I can't do something, I know that I need help, but overall, if I am living it or managing with it, then I am doing it! No longer will I ever be beholden or rely on anyone. 

After I got my dad settled, I then went to spend some time in the garden. I pulled out weeds and cut back our day lilies for the winter. I filled up an entire garbage bin of greens! Then I came inside and worked on our Foundation database for an hour. Every December I scrub this database in order to eventually prepare mailing labels for our annual fund mass mailing.

Mid-afternoon, I took my parents out for frozen yogurt. I have gotten to know the manager of the store. She is a lovely woman, and most of the times, she gives me a discount. She observes the care I provide to my parents and she has commented on it often. Traveling with my parents is truly a show, as I need blankets, a tote bag, my dad's seat cushion, and of course I have to navigate my parents around! It is not an easy task. Any case, while having yogurt, Clara came up to us very upset! She had three run ins with customers. One person even called her stupid. Another one wanted to take her out back and hit her (another woman). Truly everyone around me is on the edge. We calmed Clara down and made sure she was safe. All I can say is what a world. Before I left the store, I wrote an email to Clara's company, and shared my positive feedback working with her, as I know these other two customers are most likely going to send nasty grams! 

When I returned home, I decided to wash my car. I no longer take it to the car wash. The car was quite dirty and since it was a lovely weather day, out came the hose, microfiber clothes and dish soap. I think the car looks much better. At 6pm, I came back into the house and then had to proceed to make dinner. The tasks are just never ending and when I say I am doing the work of ten people I am not kidding. 

Sunday, November 10, 2024

Sunday, November 10, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2002. Mattie was seven months old. A friend of mine sent me this big entertainment saucer when Mattie was about three months old. When I first received this gift, my first reaction was.... wow this thing was huge! I felt it was going to take up half of our living room. Which was true! But this saucer was a blessing. Mattie loved being able to stand, twirl around in the chair, play with all the gadgets attached to the saucer, and he even would jump up and down in this saucer. It was one of the only things I had that enabled me to safely put Mattie down and he could entertain himself for a bit!

Quote of the day: The remedy for most marital stress is not in divorce. It is in repentance and forgiveness, in sincere expressions of charity and service. It is not in separation. It is in simple integrity that leads a man and a woman to square up their shoulders and meet their obligations. It is found in the Golden Rule, a time-honored principle that should first and foremost find expression in marriage. ~ Gordon B. Hinckley

I came across this quote tonight about divorce. I have to tell you that most quotes do not resonate with me. If I hear one more platitude such as..... you have to be kind to yourself, you have to take care of yourself, or accept yourself, love yourself, keep moving forward, I could actually have a hissy fit! All of this is trite and all of this is like a verbal bandage to someone who is bleeding out. 

However, tonight's quote made perfect sense. It was written by a religious figure, not of my own faith, but none the less, captures my feelings about marriage. Separation and divorce are the easy way out (in my case I mean, I am certainly NOT talking about for everyone, and realize there are times when divorce are absolutely necessary). Integrity, obligations, and the golden rule. YES! Walking away and leaving me, a person who has been in a long term relationship for 35 years, is downright cruel and selfish. 

This morning, after getting my dad settled, I went outside with a broom, dust pan, and many garbage bags. I went to clean up our cul de sac. We have endured a long house renovation next door to me for about a year and half now. It is still going on! Each day, our cul de sac is filled to the brim with trucks of all sizes. Workmen park all day long in the circle and on many occasions my driveway has been blocked. 

But what I absolutely can't stand is the horrid debris all of this construction is leaving both on my property and in the circle. I met up with some neighbors last night and they are losing it with the garbage all over the circle. 

Because no one else is going to deal with this, I took it on. I spent two hours this morning sweeping and picking up such things as:

• pulverized leaves from heavy trucks parked in the circle
• water bottles
• bottle caps
• metal fragments
• plastic fragments
• banana peels
• candy wrappers
• paper towels
• napkins
• paper receipts
• cigarette butts
• and a TON of sand and dirt! 

FOUR LARGE garbage bags of junk! I am thankful I did this today, because it is raining tonight and hopefully will take care of the rest of the sand and dirt that was baked into the crevices of the street! 

This is the outcome of my work! All those spots on the street are sand and dirt. I picked up most of the it, as there were big piles everywhere!

After two hours of this, I had to run back inside, clean off, fold laundry, and then take my parents to brunch. I had worked so hard that I got an ocular migraine in both eyes. It is a very scary and daunting experience, but since I have gotten several of them in the past, I know not to freak out because it impacts my vision. I see things in waves and it is like having lightning bolts, flashes of light in my eyes. 

As a sole caregiver, I have no time to recover. So I popped a migraine rescue drug and two Advil. That enabled me to function and drive!