Tuesday, June 2, 2026

Tuesday, June 2, 2026 -- Mattie died 848 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2005. Mattie was three years old and had recently picked out his first bicycle. I absolutely loved our commons space in the city. It was fully enclosed, so there were no cars or strangers walking around. In this space Mattie learned to walk, run, play with our neighbor's dog, fly a kite, bicycle ride, blow bubbles and even drive Speedy Red! It is a space forever etched in my mind, and I am quite certain if we never moved, my life would look very different from how it does now. 

Quote of the day: And here you are living despite it all. ~ Rupi Kaur

Last night I was so strung out from a three hour long mortgage call that I couldn't cook dinner. My mom was a nervous wreck and I thought she was going to be physically ill. I do not only absorb my own stress, I also take on all the issues my parent's face. It is a lot for one person. It takes great strength, determination, and courage to manage all that I do alone. Any one of my issues would send most people over the deep end, I have all these issues going on at once, and I do not have the time to have a break down, as I have two 90-year-olds relying on me. 

While on the mortgage call, the question always is... what do I do, and what is my income? Hot button questions for me! I have devoted my life, after Mattie died, to running Mattie Miracle. I have used my education and therapeutic training to build this Foundation from the ground up! I am a one woman show.... I do the administration, correspondence with donors, fundraising, all the legal paperwork, financial reports, and the list goes on! Do you want to know how much I have earned from my 17 years of work? NOTHING, $0! I have nothing to show for my 17 years of work, nothing that would mean anything to a bank! The bank doesn't care about me helping 35,000 children, 2,500 families a year, and the list goes on! I have to say it is a humbling reality! But a reality and a choice that was made, because I was married. I did not have to focus on an income. But if I had a crystal ball and knew that one day I would be divorced, then I would have made different decisions altogether. Decisions that would have given me independence and a financial future. I swear I could take this learning lesson on the road to educate young woman. I now tell every young woman I meet... always, always, always have your own bank account, save money, and only YOU should have access to this account. It is a cynical way of looking at the world and at relationships, but if someone really loves you, then they will understand your desire to protect yourself!

Today was a day with two nurse visits.... one a neurology nurse, who is tracking my dad's December 2025 brain bleed, and the other who is helping me with pressure sore care. I have been dealing with my dad's pressure sores for months now. Just when I think they are sealing up and healing, they open up again and start bleeding. It is a vicious cycle, which constantly reminds me.... I am NOT in control of this situation, or any situation for that matter! 

Tomorrow, I am headed for an hour long breast MRI. I do this annually as I am high risk for breast cancer. This is one test I absolutely hate, as you do it face down in the machine. But there is something about this particular testing location, because the MRI magnets impact my head. After an hour in their MRI room, I am dizzy, have a migraine, and I am nauseous. I do not get this reaction at the hospital, but given that my insurer requires me to pay a high fee for this testing, I choose this location because the out of pocket cost isn't thousands of dollars (like it would be at the hospital). Any case, tomorrow, I am pre-medicating myself with my migraine anti-nausea meds and I hope this will help me. Needless to say, any time I go for testing of any kind, I am acutely aware that my life and health can change with one result. The biggest problem however, is I no longer have my other half, my emergency contact. Getting a divorce from the one you love, has life long, daily, and dire consequences. I am reminded of this constantly, over and over again, and the pain never seems to dissipate. 

Monday, June 1, 2026

Monday, June 1, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2005. Mattie was three years old and he took part in the creation of this step stool! Mattie was very proud of his John Deere tractor themed step stool for the bathroom. Do you know to this day, I still have this stool? It sits in my office and I occasionally even use it. I am surrounded daily by Mattie's things and creations, but despite all these wonderful things, they do not take the place of having his presence in my life. 

Quote of the day: In the end, just three things matter: How well we have lived. How well we have loved. How well we have learned to let go. ~ Jack Kornfield

It has been a very long day! I literally had a three hour long phone call this evening that was mind numbing. I can't tell you the inordinate stress that I am under as I work hard to assume my house's mortgage. 

My morning started by taking my parents to the eye doctor. This is an exam that frightens my mom to no end. I have learned that I can't let her do any sort of testing without my presence. So I literally jumped between my mom and dad's exam room. But today, we worked with a different assistant. This woman was patient, kind, and compassionate. She understood that my mom had fears, so she explained everything she was doing, gave positive feedback and made my mom feel at ease! Guess what? My mom had a much more relaxing and successful visit! It goes back to what I always say..... It is Not just about the medicine! Any good medical provider knows this and lives out Mattie Miracle's tagline! Unfortunately our healthcare system doesn't reward patience and compassion, therefore I think over time, these vital psychosocial attributes get squelched right out of the professional. 

I am signing off for today, as I am filled with too much anxiety and stress to write much more!

Sunday, May 31, 2026

Sunday, May 31, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2005. Mattie was three years old. That weekend we took Mattie to a botanical garden. The garden had wonderful fountains. Whereas I may have liked the look of the fountain or the sound the cascading water made, what cause Mattie's attention was always what was in the fountain! Mattie got me to look at the world and everything in it in a different way and his presence and energy are deeply missed. 

Quote of the day: By the darkness, stars are revealed. ~ Evette Carter

Do you see Mattie Moon? A glorious moon was shining brightly into our home the other night. Literally I thought a car's headlights were shining into our home, that was how bright it was! But when I went to look, sure enough, it was Mattie Moon reminding me..... he's thinking of me and looking out for me!

Later this afternoon, I got back outside and transplanted my Sunny hibiscuses back into these big clay pots. I bought these hibiscus in 2024, the year my Sunny died. They are a tribute to an amazing dog and companion. I had no idea that I could bring these plants into the house and winterize them there, but I learned this from my former mother-in-law. So literally I dig up these plants in the fall and put them in pots inside the house and then in the spring, I dig them out of their winter pots and put them in these beautiful clay pots. So far I have been able to keep these beauties going for two years! They produce the most glorious big yellow sunny flowers! 

I am NOT an orchid person, my other half was. He had many orchids thriving in our family room. I unfortunately killed most of them off, except for this one. To my amazement they are now shooting out stalks which means I will be getting blooms. I literally can't believe I got this to happen! 

I took my parents out to our local diner today! When I tell you I know practically everyone who works there, I am NOT kidding. Our server treated my mom and me today to this 24 layer chocolate cake. This was an out of the blue surprise, which maybe the best kind. 

While at the diner, the Peter Cetera song, the Glory of Love, came on. For those of you who read my previous blogs know that this song transports me back to when I was in high school, as I heard this song in the movie, the Karate Kid. A movie that was transformative for me, as just like the main character I too was uprooted from the East Coast to California. Ever since high school, whenever I would hear the song, The Glory of Love, playing, it usually was a sign that a good thing was about to happen. Sounds strange I am sure, but I have countless examples to prove my point. Any case, tomorrow, I am faced with doing another challenging task that isn't in my comfort zone, and I am hoping that this song will bring me the luck and strength that I need. 

Saturday, May 30, 2026

Saturday, May 30, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2005. Mattie was three years old. That weekend, we took Mattie to a special butterfly house at the Smithsonian. It was a magical moment being in this enclosed space will all those marvelous butterflies! Ironically whenever we went to a butterfly house, a butterfly would always land up sitting on Mattie. He loved it! Of course, now whenever I see a butterfly, I take it as a special visit in nature from my Mattie! These moments typically occur when I most need them!

Quote of the day: Life chips away at us all. Some play the victim. Some choose to be a survivor. And then there are those who choose to conquer. ~ Author Unknown

It is hard to imagine that it is 8:45pm! Today has been an absolute blur. It was a non-stop laundry day.... five loads processed and put away. The linens on my parent's bed needed to be totally changed today and given that my dad uses 20 pillows to prop him up at night, it is a big job. I am tired and disillusioned, so not much else to say today! May tomorrow be a better day!

Friday, May 29, 2026

Friday, May 26, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2006. It was Memorial Day weekend and we took Mattie to Sesame Street Place in Pennsylvania. I learned about this theme park through Mattie's preschool. It is geared toward preschoolers and since Mattie LOVED Elmo, he was very excited to visit. While at the park we bought Mattie an Elmo balloon! But then a life sized Elmo was walking around and he gave Mattie another balloon! As you can see the park has a photo op of the classic Sesame Street green door and steps, seen on every episode! It was a weekend I will never forget. 

Quote of the day: You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength. ~ Marcus Aurelius

Today is like my last straw! I have so many issues and problems now stacking up all around me. However, I feel until I manage this mortgage assumption, everything else is on hold. Clearly my life isn't complicated enough, so why not throw more on Vicki. 

While working on my computer, I heard tapping! At first I thought it was my mom upstairs, but then I realized.... NO! It is a woodpecker! I am a big nature person, but this bird is driving me crazy! Look at the big holes he is making!

This is when I want to scream! I lost my life partner, who I could turn to, and together we would take on these challenges. These holes are located right near my outdoor stairs, making it impossible to get on a ladder and fix the holes and perhaps put a bird deterrent in the area!

See the stairs! I even tried to open my office window to stand on the ledge to deal with this problem, but don't you know it.... the window is sealed shut. I can't open it! It is stuck! Literally it is the story of my life, a life that I am left to balance alone. 

Some days, I am so so angry, and all I can say is that fortunately I am not a violent person, because I can absolutely understand how emotions could take over when someone is so deeply hurt!

Any case, I was chatting with my former mother-in-law, and we have devised a scheme. I bought a water soaker (you know the ones kids use), and I plan on filling it with water and vinegar. When that bird starts pecking, he will get doused! I have to change his behavior, so that he pecks a tree and not the house! Until I correct his behavior, it makes no sense in filling the holes! Seriously since 2023, I have faced just about every possible crisis and unfortunately the issues just keep piling up!

Thursday, May 28, 2026

Thursday, May 28, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2006. Mattie was four years old and that week we transitioned him from his crib/day bed to a real twin mattress. Mattie was thrilled and was so proud to be in a "big boy" bed! Mattie and I picked out sheets and he selected Bob the Builder! Of course we got other sheet sets along with way, but Bob the Builder was his first. Mattie was so happy about his bed that mid-day he jumped into it with his clothes on!

Quote of the day: Your problem is not that you can’t take it. You are taking it. You have been taking it. You take it every day. ~ Cheryl Strayed

It was another early morning! Today I had to take my dad for an echocardiogram. His last one was two years ago, and since we see the cardiologist next week, the office wanted this data on hand. I am cognizant that my dad has been diagnosed with early stages of heart failure. I tend not to dwell on that and I certainly haven't conveyed that information to my parents, because this would be pointless information for them to worry about. 

Given that my dad injured his back during his hospitalization two weeks ago, it is very difficult getting him up on a table for a scan or in this case a sonogram of the heart. Today's tech was young and truly had NO APPRECIATION for older adults who live with chronic back pain. The tech wanted my dad up on the scanning table and to turn on his side. I basically told the tech that wasn't going to happen. I really think health care professionals think at first that I am exaggerating.... that my dad can do more than I am telling them. Then they see my dad move and immediately they get what I have been telling them! Any case, my dad was moaning in pain throughout the sonogram today because his back was hurting on the table. I had his back propped up and his knees bent, but it did not help. The tech wouldn't help me move my dad so I did it alone. Fortunately I know how to do this, but what if I didn't?

As soon as I got my dad back into the car, he had a bathroom accident, so I had to head straight home to clean him up, change his wound care, and give him Advil for pain. Later today, I got outside into the backyard to beginning weeding. With all the rain we have been having, the weeds are out of control! I spent two hours out there but it is like holding back the ocean. 

While outside, I had two turtle encounters...................................

This is a box or painted turtle! This fellow was just sitting by my garden gate. It was rather funny because it was almost like he wanted me to open the gate to come out!

This is a wood turtle! A rarer turtle to find in one's backyard because they typically like living near water. The distinctive mark of the wood turtle is its pyramidal shape of the plates on its upper shell! This turtle was large, about the length of the brick!

Wednesday, May 27, 2026

Wednesday, May 27, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2007. Mattie was five years old. Mattie grew up learning that laundry was in the basement of our building. Regardless of the weather, I had to leave our apartment, go outside (sometimes it was raining or snowing!), to go back into the building, onto the elevator to go three floors down to the basement. When Mattie was a baby, I was carrying him and pushing the cart, and as he got older, he would either walk, ride his bicycle, or hop into the cart. What I would never do is leave Mattie home unattended, so he got used to doing all sorts of chores with me! I truly do not know how I manage laundry for all of us over the decades, but I did it! It was our way of life and I never complained. I think sometimes that it is easy to forget that these chores done for the entire family are acts of love, and it is work, just unpaid. 

Quote of the day: Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. ~ Mahatma Ghandi

 

It was another long day, as I took both of my parents to the physical rehab medicine physician today! In order to make this happen, I got up at 5am. When I got up, I went downstairs to feed Indie. I literally walked into a nightmare as she had vomited all over the basement and pooped everywhere! I was NOT a happy camper. I spent thirty minutes cleaning up that nightmare and completely cleaning out her litter boxes. I clean them daily, but she obviously wanted the boxes cleaned out completely and given new litter. 

My parents both had good doctor appointments and literally when the health care team asked how I was, I looked at them because I am NOT used to people asking about me. My parent's doctor is very aware of the the massive role I play in their lives and I am quite certain if my dad wasn't living with me, he probably would have died years ago. 

But back to the question.... how am I? To me that is a loaded question. For the most part, I typically do not give an accurate response, because truly who wants to hear my saga.... and it is a saga! I am not sure how I carry on each and everyday, or find a way forward. Which leads me to a topic I listened to on the radio last week. The commentator was talking about people turning to artificial intelligence for emotional support. He even went on to say that chat bots perform harder on the question asked of them, if you use pleasantries like "please" and "thank you." I listened to all of this and was left perplexed. I am perplexed that a human being with complex thoughts, emotions and experiences could think that a computer of any kind could possibly serve as a friend or confidante. Moving passed that, what difference does it make using pleasantries with a computer? 

Ironically I came across an article on this topic, and toward the end of the article, it stated....

The philosopher Immanuel Kant argued that one reason you shouldn't be cruel to animals is that it's also damaging to yourself. Essentially, being unfriendly to anything makes you a harsher person. You can't hurt AIs feelings because it doesn't have any, but maybe you should be nice anyway. It’s a habit that could benefit other parts of your life. 

This whole statement left me baffled. Baffled because whether I bark out a command to a computer or not, has no impact, effect, or consequence to me as a person. Whether I ask a question bluntly or kindly, to me it doesn't matter. I do not think it makes me a harsher person or an unfeeling one. It makes me practical and I think personalizing a thing, a device, a computer.... sets the wrong tone in our lives. Humanizing a thing, I believe, is a slippery slope for our society. Turning to computers for factual answers is one thing, turning to a computer to replace human to human interactions will have long term negative consequences on our mental and emotional health. I have no doubt if I were to share (which I never would.... NOT my style) my last two years with a chat bot, all I would get back is some trite responses! There is NO possible way a computer could have the empathy, compassion, or insight to delve into complex emotional issues, help me when I am distraught, or provide the hope necessary to make it to the next day. Yet people are doing this daily and it leaves me saddened that it is deemed safer and just as effective to have these types of meaningless connections than it is talk, connect, and chat with a real person!

Tuesday, May 26, 2026

Tuesday, May 26, 2026 -- Mattie died 847 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2006. Mattie was four years old and that day he picked out his very first bicycle! As you can see, Mattie was very excited with this purchase and our commons area in Washington, DC was the perfect way to learn to ride! This commons area holds special memories for me, as it was where Mattie learned to fly a kite, ride a bicycle, play with a dog, and even drive Speedy Red (his ride-on vehicle). 

Quote of the day: You just can’t beat the person who never gives up. ~ Babe Ruth

One of the routines that I do every morning is I use my hand held Dyson vacuum to clean up the first floor. Cleaning and organizing enables me to feel in control of my completely out of control life. Some of you may recall that about a year ago the battery in this vacuum died. I panicked, but had the wherewithal to jump on the Dyson chat feature. That was how I learned about getting a replacement battery, rather than having to throw the whole machine out. When I received the battery, I couldn't unscrew the old one, as I just didn't have the hand strength. So I text messaged my neighbor and I literally went to his house with the vacuum and the battery in tow! He fixed it for me!

So yesterday when the vacuum head broke off, again I got upset. This vacuum was purchased for me by my other half when we bought the house in 2021. I refuse to throw this gift out, and instead have worked on replacing it piece by piece. Just like I did last year, I went back on Dyson chat and together with the help of the representative, I learned about a replacement vacuum head. I am so grateful for Dyson chat, the ability to share photos with them, and their diagnosis and treatment of the problem. Needless to say, a replacement head will come to me this week in the mail, as I am determined to keep this particular machine operational!

It was a hellish day, as I had to take my parents to the hospital, as my dad had to get a CT scan of his head. This was a planned assessment to follow up on his brain bleed from December of 2025. I can appreciate why the neurology team does these periodic tests, but what they don't understand is how complex it is to get a 91 year old to the hospital and let's not talk about getting him onto a CT scan table! Because the hospital requires a lot of walking, I used Mattie's wheelchair today, but it took four of us to get my dad out of the chair and positioned on the table. Once the scan was done, we tried to get my dad to sit up, and swing his legs and feet toward the floor! That was when he started screaming with back pain. His screaming was so intense that the supervisor of the area came running in! I assured him that my dad was okay, and that he has chronic back pain. In fact, my dad is unable to lie flat. He physically can't do it! His neck and head are frozen and he is also unable to straighten out his legs. So when I tell you it is torturous to get him onto scanning tables, I am not kidding. But it isn't just on scan tables, I play all sorts of games to get my dad in and out of bed each day. Every night, as I position him in bed, I am literally standing on top of the mattress, in order to be able to push his back forward to shove pillows behind him. Literally that I don't need a physical therapist myself is remarkable. 

Overall however, I am deeply stressed out about the mortgage assumption and just life in general. Some days I understand the reality of my existence and other days, I just don't get it. It is so confusing to be married for decades, and now not to be. It is like learning that the sky is really the ground and the ground is the sky, and finding out that I had these two backward all of my life. It is confusing, disorienting, and it leaves me questioning every aspect of my life.   

Monday, May 25, 2026

Monday, May 25, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2007. Mattie was five years old. That day we ventured to Andrews Air Force base to attend their annual air show. Since Mattie was fascinated by planes and the military, this seemed like the perfect adventure. This was our first and only visit to the air show, but it was a day I will never forget. Mattie got to tour through planes, meet military members, and even see the Thunderbirds perform. The show was unforgettable and the sound was deafening. It left us all in awe of the incredible service members in our country. 

Quote of the day: Our debt to the heroic men and valiant women in the service of our country can never be repaid. They have earned our undying gratitude. ~ Harry S. Truman

When I was married, our tradition was to watch the National Capitol Memorial Day Concert. Living so close to the National Mall at the time, made the whole concert even more meaningful to us. Now that I am divorced, I still continue the tradition with my parents. My dad served in the US Army, as a surgical nurse. He is very proud of his service and has some amazing stories. Stories which he can still recall.... everything from assisting with a leg amputation to riding in a gurney outside a helicopter, high up in the air! Though my dad may not be clued into everything, he is still moved by music, patriotism, and learning about service members. 

If you did not see the concert last night, I included a link to some of the service members honored at the concert. Chuck Kohler was in the audience. He is 102 years old and the last Pearl Harbor survivor. Hearing Noah Wyle eloquently deliver Chuck's story to the audience was so powerful, as Chuck was just a teenager in the Navy. Chuck grew up in a poor family and he wanted to leave home and make a life for himself. On the day that Pearl Harbor was attacked, he was in a building typing a note to his family. What was a happy moment, turned into great tragedy. When the bombing started, he was told to retreat and jump into a dug out area. However, he was going to have NONE of that, and instead, went to get ammunition and began the fight. He said if he was going to die, he was going to die fighting for his country. Truly a remarkable story and it is hard to believe that he is the only Pearl Harbor survivor still alive, and I can imagine what history and memories will die with him.

The other story that captured my heart was Patricia Horoho. Patricia is a nurse by training who was at the Pentagon on September 11, 2001. She was one of the first responders on the scene and heroically helped over 75 patients. Her story is moving, and given that I was alive and experienced this national catastrophe it has even deeper meaning to me. I remember September 11th like it were yesterday. I was home and pregnant with Mattie, and my other half was at work. I will never forget the horror and panic. I felt distraught and unable to determine whether we needed to evacuate the city. The only consolation for me personally that day was that I wasn't alone. That I had someone who was coming home to me, and that we would face this tragedy together. 

I am beyond overwhelmed hearing the stories of service members, and listening to why they serve! So many of us can't comprehend giving our lives up for a cause, for the greater good. I am in awe of those who are willing to put their life on the line for our freedom and security and I am naturally heartbroken for gold star families and families who lost a loved one in September 11. I did not lose Mattie through service to our country or through terrorism. My enemy in childhood cancer, and yet I share the same pain and sadness of all parents whose children have died. For those of us left behind, our lives are forever changed. We remember our children always, we want to hear their names, and with each milestone and holiday, we wonder.... what would our child be like today?  

Sunday, May 24, 2026

Sunday, May 24, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2007. Mattie assembled this train track with overhead arches. This set up took up a lot of space, but all of us were used to this, including Patches. Patches was our calico cat! She was the best cat and as soon as we brought Mattie home from the hospital in 2002, she understood..... he was precious cargo and she had to behave. My hope is that Mattie and Patches have reunited and that Sunny (who never met either of them), has joined forces with them. 

Quote of the day: Sometimes, life will kick you around, but sooner or later, you realize you’re not just a survivor. You’re a warrior, and you’re stronger than anything life throws your way. ~ Brooke Davis

This afternoon, I took my parents out to our local diner. Since we go there weekly, I know all the managers and most of the servers. We tend to work with the same server each week, and each week we learn more about this server's life, his wife, and his three children. Today he surprised us, as two of his children were in the diner. One is 10 years old and the other is 6. Both of the children knew who we were! But what surprised me was the children were eager to chat with us, were very kind, and wanted to make a connection. I was very touched by their manners, kindness, and how much they respect their dad. On the way out of the diner today, their dad said to me..... see why I work so hard (he works multiple jobs, six days a week, 12 hour days)? Indeed, it was clear and what was even more clear to me is that when love and commitment are present, one will always rise to the challenges presented in life. 

When I got home, I found a package at my front door. I opened it up and found these charming cat towels looking up at me. They are from my former mother-in-law. An absolutely insane title I am required to legally use, for someone I have known since I was 19. She doesn't like the whole "former" title, so she now just tells people I am her daughter. 

We are cat lovers and also love flowers and gardening. When I wonder did my former life exist, I can now just look at these towels as another reminder. It was another hard week on top of many tough and heartbreaking years, so today's gift of love perked me up.