Saturday, July 25, 2026

Saturday, July 25, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken on July 25, 2009, my last birthday with Mattie. That day, he worked with his grandparents on creating this special lighthouse birthday card for me. The lighthouse you see on the card was a replica of Bodie Light in the Outer Banks. This was a lighthouse we visited together as a family many times. I remember this moment like it were yesterday and it never dawned on me that I would be facing a lifetime without my son. My birthday falls two days after Mattie's diagnosis day, and no matter how many years go by, I can't help but associate my birthday with the horrors of hearing Mattie has cancer!

Quote of the day: Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it. ~ William Arthur Ward

Though my life isn't how I hoped or planned, I am grateful that so many people who love me reached out to me today......in calls, texts, emails, cards, and gifts. At 9am, my phone rang. It was my (former) in-laws. My (former) mother-in-law played Happy Birthday on the piano and both she and my (former) father-in-law were singing! Beautiful harmony! I told them, they still have it at 90! They have been singing happy birthday to me since I got married. Whether the law acknowledges that I am a Brown or not, I am still being treated as part of the family, and that to me speaks volumes and it is deeply appreciated.

Isn't this photo stunning? It was taken at Renshaw Farms in Pennsylvania. It was sent to me by my friend Toni. Toni's son is Brandon! Those of you who are lifelong blog readers know that Brandon and Mattie were very close buddies, fighting cancer together. Naturally as the boys got to know each other at the hospital and became friends, Toni and I also became close! We saw eye to eye on many things and I will always be grateful for her family's support. 

Toni sent me this photo while touring fields of sunflowers because it reminded her of Mattie. The sunflower is symbolic of Team Mattie (as this network of friends gifted me sunflowers every time we were home from the hospital). I just can't imagine how glorious a sighting this is in person!

Last night, after putting my dad to bed, I was doing chores and unloading the dishwasher. I could hear that someone was by our front door. I went to look and sure enough an amazing care package from Spoonful of Comfort was at my doorstep. It was gifted to me by Cheryl. 

Cheryl is one of those gifts that I received through my marriage. She and I have never met one another, yet we know a great deal about each other, about our lives, and Cheryl has been reading this blog since I started it in 2008. That is 18 years of reading my ups, downs, happiness, and profound sadness. When I became separated in 2023, I did not tell many people at first. It was deeply painful, embarrassing, and traumatic. But Cheryl was one of the people I confided in and I joke, but there were many times I felt like jumping out the window, but it was something Cheryl said, that got me to wait that feeling out and therefore I made it to the next day. Then the next day after that, and so forth. 

The beauty of this gift is that it will be our dinner one night this week. I am thrilled to get a day off of cooking. But I also love the attention to detail on the Spoonful of Comfort boxes. For example, on the cookie box, is a quote from the Cookie Monster, which says:

Today me will live in the moment, unless it's unpleasant, in which case me will eat a cookie. 

I totally love this quote, and like the Cookie Monster, I do believe life looks better over a cookie. Also check out the bottom of the cozy socks..... a reminder that I am loved!

This morning, I opened a small package I received from my friend in England. She and I have been on a nightmare divorce journey since 2023. She sent me a heart, because she wanted me to know how much I am loved by so many people and when in doubt, she suggested I hold the heart! I wanted to show her the heart on me, so I went outside into the garden and snapped this photo. On an aside, I hate seeing myself in photos now, as I can see how incredibly exhausted I look. 

My friend Heidi sent me this citrus themed tea towel and lotion. If you don't know this about me..... I LOVE lotion. My nickname is the lotion lady! But check out the name of this lotion.... "pink moon." Naturally I love anything moon related as it is reminds me of Mattie Moon.

Here's a funny story! How did I meet Heidi? Well after Mattie died, a started a Zumba class. The reason I chose that class was it was run by one of the mom's in Mattie's kindergarten. So she knew me and she knew my nightmare. That was important to me. Any case, on my first day in Zumba class, one of the participants came up to me and gave me a big hug.... as if we knew each other. Well I did not know Heidi, but Heidi knew me as she was a blog reader. It was Heidi's warm and compassionate greeting, that helped me feel safe in that classroom. That may sound odd, but when you lose a child to cancer, everything about the world around you feels raw. Which is why my connection to Heidi will always be special. 

Grateful for all the people who took the time to think of me and send me a card!

My mom wanted us to do something special today, so I took my parents to an old world French restaurant in Great Falls, VA. I have been going to this restaurant for years. I used to celebrate my wedding anniversary and birthday here. So there are very bittersweet memories here and it is so hard for me to understand that I am no longer married. I would say it is very disorienting and I assure you I am not the only one disillusioned over this nightmare. 

What makes this restaurant so special is the pace, the service, and the four course menu. Every server is kind, professional, and truly wants to make you happy. You are never rushed and the goal is to sit and enjoy the beautiful surroundings and good food. 

It is now too difficult for me to enter this restaurant with both parents at one time. Mainly because both of my parents need chair pillows, I have tote bags, and have to hold onto my mom. Therefore, I can't juggle my dad at the same time, because he trips over every rug inside the restaurant. So I took my mom in first and then ran back out for my dad. By the time I got them both seated, I had two servers come up to me and said they were so impressed with what they just saw me do! The manager also told me today that God sees everything I am doing and that it takes a very special person to be a caregiver. 

This is what I ate today. It started with an amuse bouche of tomato bisque, from tomatoes in their on-site garden.

Then I had salmon. Since my pregnancy with Mattie, I can no longer eat salmon. In fact, there were many foods I could NOT eat when pregnant. I would get instantly sick. But I have no problem with brined salmon. Go figure. 

Then I had a garden salad.... with lettuce from their garden. 

My entree was trout!

Each of us ordered a dessert and they sent out this homemade meringue in honor of my birthday! The meringue is a hard shell and absolutely amazing. It is actually my favorite dessert, as it melts in your mouth and underneath the meringue is homemade chocolate ice cream! My mom and I decimated this treat, there was nothing left on the plate!

When I got home this afternoon, I was greeted by this beautiful floral arrangement and countless gift cards from my friend Carolyn. Carolyn and I have known each other since 2005, as our children were in the same preschool classroom. Carolyn was an important part of Team Mattie and after Mattie died, Carolyn has helped me coordinate the Foundation raffle for the last 17 years. It is true dedication and a very special friendship. 

A big thank you to all of you who remind me I am important, I am worth celebrating, and as one of the amazing researchers who works with the Foundation said today.... "you are one of the most remarkable, beautiful, and inspirational woman I know!"

Friday, July 24, 2026

Friday, July 24, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2003. Mattie was a year old and it was his first trip to the Outer Banks of North Carolina. The afternoons were hot and Mattie wasn't interested in going onto the sand or being by the ocean. So that particular afternoon, Mattie sat on the couch with one of his favorite books... Goodnight Moon. This book was given to me soon after Mattie was born by one of my mentors at the University. I can't think of this book without thinking of him and of Mattie. I read it so often, that I could recite lines from the book.... "in the great green room there was a telephone and a read balloon."

Quote of the day: Someone who is aware of your sadness and lack of sleep does not deserve your love at all. ~ Unknown

Yesterday, being the anniversary of Mattie's cancer diagnosis, I woke up with my right eye twitching and then part of my face felt numb. I knew immediately that a migraine was fast approaching. Sometimes I wait too long to take my rescue medication. But yesterday morning, I knew I had to get ahead of the symptoms and I wasn't going to play around. Ironically, at first I did not connect Mattie's anniversary to my migraine, but I quickly connected the dots. The loss of Mattie is forever real and has long-term implications on my life and future. Add to which, I now acknowledge this day alone, and it makes for a very toxic situation. 

This morning, I woke up and my right eye was smaller than my left eye. In fact, the eye lid was so swollen that it made it hard to open my eye. I concluded I was having an allergic reaction to something, especially given that yesterday I was outside in my front yard trimming all the bushes with my hedge trimmer! I figured something either bit or stung me on the eyelid. So in addition to taking migraine meds again today, I started taking all of my allergy medications and iced my eye. But of course I never get much down time to take care of myself. I do things for myself simultaneously while doing twenty other things. 

I also received my cholesterol results. For the past three months, I have basically not eaten crackers, chocolate, and began exercising almost daily. Bottom line, nothing made a difference to my numbers. So I am sure I will get another talking to on Monday during my appointment. What this doctor doesn't understand is the enormous stress I am living with, and add to my usual stress and heartache, trying to assume my house's mortgage. I have been at this ordeal with the bank since May 1. Today, being July 24 (the day before my birthday), I learned that the banks is conditionally accepting the assumption application! I have no idea what the conditions are yet, but I do know they asked for more information and until this is behind me, the stress continues. It has been absolute hell worrying whether I would be able to pull this off, because if it was just me I would have more flexibility, but I am caring for my parents and they can't handle change and more stress in their lives now. Therefore, I have been walking a tightrope for months now and frankly all the parties in this process could give a flying fig whether I drop dead from all this stress and anxiety. 

I am happy that I did not get a second denial letter, but the not knowing what is next in the assumption process or what the closing costs will officially be is stressful. I have put all the home repairs I earmarked for this spring and summer on hold because I am bracing for the worst. I am tired of bracing for the worst, I am very tired of my existence, and the notion of facing another birthday is as wonderful as a root canal. 

Thursday, July 23, 2026

Thursday, July 23, 2026 -- Mattie was diagnosed with cancer 18 years ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2008. Mattie was diagnosed with a rare form of osteosarcoma (bone cancer) and in this session we worked with his oncologist and the care team to try to explain cancer to Mattie. Since I knew Mattie loved bugs, I suggested to Mattie's art therapists that we create a "bone bug" out of clay. After all, Mattie may have loved bugs, but I knew he wouldn't want "bone bugs" crawling in his body. So I explained to Mattie that we were fighting bone bugs and he would be getting medicine to get rid of the bugs. This explanation resonated with Mattie and he got it right away. In this session, you can see a "bone bug" on the floor. Mattie was in the process of stomping on the bug! We explained that the medication was going to do exactly what Mattie's foot would do to the clay bone bug.... stomp it out!

Quote of the day: They say, "God answers all prayers," and I say, "Can any prayer ever, save the 10 million people who die from cancer every year?" ~ Mouloud Benzadi

A day NEVER to be forgotten, July 23, 2008! A day that changed our lives FOREVER! Eighteen years ago today, Mattie was diagnosed with Osteosarcoma (bone cancer). In July of 2008, Mattie was enrolled in a tennis camp. A week into the camp, Mattie complained of arm pain. We figured he sprained something or had a sore muscle from holding the tennis racket.

While enrolled in camp, I attended a conference in San Diego. Each night while I was away I checked in and I continued to hear that Mattie's arm pain wasn't getting better. Before leaving San Diego, I made a doctor's appointment to take Mattie in the day after I landed back home.

Fortunately Mattie's pediatrician took our complaints seriously, as I told her the issue had been going on for two weeks, with no improvement. From the doctor's office, we walked over to Virginia Hospital Center for x-rays. I admit that I got very frustrated with the radiology tech, because what I deemed should be an easy x-ray process turned into an hour long fiasco.

After the x-rays were taken, the tech told me to go to a waiting room. I will NEVER forget this room. Mattie and I walked into a room filled with adults. NO hospital representative was in the room, only patients and ONE phone. We sat down and within five minutes the phone rang. NO ONE went to answer the phone, it just kept on ringing. So I decided to pick it up. 

On the other end of the phone line was the radiologist, who asked for Mattie Brown's mom. When I told him I was Mattie's mom, he then said I needed to go right back to the pediatrician's office. I said, ABSOLUTELY NOT! I wasn't leaving that room until he told me what he saw on those x-rays. He did not want to tell me, but I forced it out of him. So I heard that Mattie had osteosarcoma over the phone, surrounded by a group of strangers and Mattie staring at me. I tried not to sound alarmed but it's a bit hard after hearing...... your child has cancer.

July 23, 2008, was my first experience with medical trauma, and unfortunately that was just one of many traumas we experienced as a family. You maybe asking what's with these photos and the Christmas lights in July? Mattie requested that we take all our Christmas lights out on diagnosis day. He did not understand cancer, but he knew enough to know that something was very wrong and that the bright lights of Christmas may help lift all our spirits. The beauty of Mattie Brown..... you are dearly missed today and always. 

It maybe 18 years ago, but the pain of Mattie's loss is felt forever. Our lives and future have been permanently changed. We will never forget. Mattie legacy lives on brightly as he has taught me that Childhood Cancer is NOT Just About the Medicine.

I frankly don't know how I manage this day or any day for that matter. What I do know is Mattie's grandparents do not remember what today is, I lost my other half and our ability to chat about today, and therefore I sit with all the memories and forever loss alone. 

I end with the "Remembering Mattie" video we created for his celebration of life event in 2009. The song is haunting and was gifted to me from Mattie's preschool director. No matter how many years go by, I will always REMEMBER MATTIE, I will always hate childhood cancer and the destruction it causes to countless families like mine. 

Wednesday, July 22, 2026

Wednesday, July 22, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken on July 13, 2008. Ironically it was just ten days before our lives transformed forever. Because ten days later, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. But in this photo, Mattie was showing the camera that his tooth was loose and he was about to lose another baby tooth. Mattie and I had a whole production with baby teeth. He had a special little box to place a tooth for the tooth fairy. In addition, Mattie always wrote a note to the fairy, as he did not want money. Get this, one request to the fairy was for a pasta necklace. She never disappointed!!! To this day, I still have this fairy box in my nightstand, with a Mattie tooth inside!

Quote of the day: You know more about someone at the end of relationship than during the relationship. ~ Amit Kalantri

 

This morning after dropping my dad off at his memory care center, I headed to my doctor's office for blood work. The doctor is following my cholesterol level, which has been unstable since Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. Under times of stress, I truly have a hard time normalizing the level and my doctor encouraged me to develop an exercise routine. Rather hysterical, given all that I balance! But about a month ago, after the Foundation walk was behind me, I decided to try it. If not just to shut him up. In any case, I try to do 30 minutes of exercise each day on the treadmill in which I am walking and also running and and 5 minutes on the elliptical. The elliptical is something I hate, and at one time I could do 40-60 minutes on it. Not anymore, I will have to build up to it! Any case, I will be curious to see the blood test results in a few days. 

Later this afternoon, I went outside to water plants and instead got pulled in twenty different directions. Many of my crape myrtles had issues from the latest rain storms. One crape myrtle in the front yard had a whole limb that snapped off and the ones in the backyard weren't far behind. So out came the hedge trimmers and I cut back limbs and also cut back my rose garden. As the roses were so tall, you couldn't see the fountain. 

I should have taken a before photo! But when I get moving, I am focused. Any case, see the white crape myrtle? Well picture limbs so heavy that they were sitting on the grass. I removed all that debris. 

While trimming this white crape myrtle, I heard a buzzing. Then I noticed that the outdoor lights were on. At first I thought maybe the light sensor slipped or was covered and that triggered the lights to turn on. NOPE, that wasn't the issue. So I put two and two together..... the buzzing was from a light transformer. Thankfully I keep one always on hand in the garage. I got that new one out, grabbed a screw driver and disassembled the old one and installed the new one. Voilà.... the lights now work properly! Another thing to add to my ever growing resume. 

Tuesday, July 21, 2026

Tuesday, July 21, 2026 -- Mattie died 855 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2003. Mattie was a year old and it was his first trip to the Outer Banks of North Carolina. I am a big lighthouse fan! So we began to introduce these stoic beauties to Mattie at the tender age of one. This was us in front of the famous Hatteras Lighthouse! Back then Mattie did not quite understand what we were doing or seeing, but the next year and the year after that, he began to share my fascination and was eager to visit and explore inside and out. 

Quote of the day: Making the best of what we’ve got is the best choice we can make. ~ Sheldon Kopp

This morning, while making breakfast, I looked out my kitchen window and saw this magnificent cardinal. Cardinals are hard birds to capture on camera. Mainly because they are skitterish and do not remain in one place long. But this fellow did not move for at least a minute, giving me time to snap a photo. Whenever I see a cardinal, I view it as a sign from my Mattie to me. As the 18th anniversary of the day of Mattie's diagnosis (July 23, 2008) is fast approaching, I believe I was meant to see this sighting today!

When we moved into this house, the previous owner had two hooks on the patio. We quickly learned that the hooks were for hummingbird feeders. I want to say that generations of hummingbirds have been coming to this house every spring and summer. 

How do I know this? Because in the spring, the birds fly right to the hooks, even before I take the feeders out of the season. They just know that this is where they received sugar water before! I think the hummingbird is a magical and precious bird. I change the sugar water in the feeders weekly and my dad actually loves spotting and watching these birds. 

Last night, I got derailed for an hour with this smoke detector. First off, I did not even know if I was a smoke detector or something else. At 9:30pm, I text messaged, Bob, my electrician extraordinaire. Bob has been a part of my life since 2021, since he had to rewire our entire house after we bought it. Bob and his team spent months at the house, and therefore we got to know each other well. Thank goodness, because it is very hard maintaining a house alone. 

Who else is going to help me at 9:30pm? I also need someone familiar with all the equipment inside the home! Bob immediately told me it is a nest smoke detector and it is blue, because it was having trouble connecting to wi-fi! Any case, I got out a ladder and he gave me instructions on how to correct the problem. 

Once I reset the device, it went back to the green light. But seriously, I panicked. I would like to say that I have gotten used to daily crises, but I haven't! With each crisis and issue that arises, you can literally hear me getting upset that I am left on my own to manage the impossible!

Tomorrow I head to my doctor's office for a blood test. He gave me three months to reduce my cholesterol level. I wish I could say that I started my exercise routine three months ago, but I didn't! I have instead been at it for a month. We shall see if it is making any sort of difference. The doctor is unrealistic, and truly has NO comprehension for what I balance in any given day. 

Monday, July 20, 2026

Monday, July 20, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken on July 9, 2008. That day we took Mattie for a walk on Roosevelt Island, which was about a five minute car ride from our apartment in Washington, DC. As you can see, Mattie found a piece of nature that had fallen to the earth and he scooped it up to take home. Mattie never came home empty handed. But look at that smile, and then put into context that just two weeks after this photo was taken, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. Every aspect of our lives changed on diagnosis day. If I could turn back the hands of time, I would love to live a life that knows nothing about childhood cancer and while I am at it, let's add divorce to my DO NOT experience list!

Quote of the day: Listing your parents as your emergency contact is the saddest reminder that you are single. ~  Kevin Molesworth

This morning, after dropping my dad off at his memory care center, I took my mom into the city to get her hair and nails done. The salon is located right next to where I used to live. While driving through the streets of Foggy Bottom (in the city), all that flashed before my eyes was my former life and my many walks on those same sidewalks with Sunny. It is hard to believe that in 2021, I was still living there and I had no idea, NONE, how drastically my life was going to change. I do not deal with change well. I face it, but I hate it. I think my strong dislike for change started when I was 14 years old, and my parents moved me from New York to California. It was a very hard move for me and I went from having tons of friends into a new school environment in which all of the kids knew one another from kindergarten. I was the outsider and it was a humbling experience. Which maybe why to this day, I do not like seeing people alone and will go out of my way to make sure people feel included. 

Do you ever look at your life and think..... what would have happened if I did x, y, and z, instead of a, b, and c? I always ask what my life would have been like if I never moved to California! Back in New York, I was much more focused on creativity and dance and I have no doubt my college choice would have been completely different, as I bet my major would have been the arts and not biology/psychology. When I moved to California, I went from a creative being, to a more academic and inwardly focused person. What has evoked all these feelings?

Well my lifetime friend, Karen, sent me an article entitled, 30 years later, friends remember teacher killed in TWA Flight 800 crash. Why did she send me this article? Because the teacher in question, Ms. Lois Van Epps, was my English teacher in 9th grade. Ms. Van Epps died in TWA flight 800 in 1996. I was a newly wed back then, but it was crushing to hear that news then and now. 

I was a student in Ms. Van Epps class in 1983, my last year in New York (before moving to California in 1984). I LOVED, LOVED Ms. Van Epps! She was dramatic and creative and brought out the best in her students. I recall doing a presentation in her class about ballet, which also included demonstrations in front of the class. It was apparently that presentation which caught Ms. Van Epps attention. She contacted my mom and told her (which I learned years later), that she saw something in me. She felt that I was highly gifted and had the potential to be a great performer and published author. I can't even imagine what my life would have looked like if I was mentored by such an amazing force! I only experienced Ms. Van Epps for one year, but she will always remain alive in my heart. I don't say this lightly as for the most part, I wasn't a fan of most of my teachers. I can count on one hand those teachers who pushed, inspired, and brought out the best in me. Ms. Van Epps was just such a teacher and if I remained in New York, I am quite certain my life would have looked completely different now. Ms. Van Epps will live forever in the countless students lives she educated and natured!

Sunday, July 19, 2026

Sunday, July 19, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2005. Mattie was three years old and that week we were celebrating July 4th in the Outer Banks of North Carolina. This was a place that I absolutely loved and I wanted to share this natural beauty with Mattie. I remember these happy times and what life used to look like when we were an intact family. 

Quote of the day: Divorce shreds the muscles of our hearts so that they will hardly beat without a struggle. ~  E. Lockhart 

It has been a hard weekend. Yesterday, I took my parents out to lunch, like I do every Saturday to our local diner. However, nothing about the experience went well, starting with the food. My mom and I always split a big omelet with all sorts of things chopped up in it. One of the items we asked for was ham. Typically the ham is diced into the omelet, but yesterday's omelet was a disaster. Whole pieces of ham were placed in the center of the omelet, not unlike how you would make a sandwich. So I sent that back! The second omelet that came out was worse than the first. It was under cooked and dripping in oil. I balance more than enough at home, that when I go out I don't want to worry about the restaurant's kitchen. Needless to say, all the managers knew I was upset and to top that off, I was hungry. While I was complaining and trying to get something for my mom and I to eat, my dad already finished his lunch. So literally my mom and I never ate, and thankfully the restaurant comped all our meals. 

Moving forward to today, when I took my parents out to brunch, my mom complained that her stomach hurt and she felt nauseous. That would have been nice to know before we left the house. I would never have guessed she had a problem, as she ate breakfast without an issue. That said, my mom was unable to eat anything at brunch, other than bread and hot tea. While balancing her needs, my dad and I had two large trips to the bathroom, in which I had to change him completely. I swear this weekend alone has left me strung out. I should also mention that while taking my dad in the women's room with me, there was another woman who wanted to enter but didn't! Instead she gave me a nasty look and she refused to enter the bathroom with my dad there. I blew right passed her and frankly given the big changing routine that was in store for me, I just couldn't deal with her attitude. Note that this woman was older than me, and was sitting with her husband dining, so I truly would have hoped for a bit more compassion from her. 

When I got home later this afternoon, I got my parents settled, and then I went upstairs to my dad's bathroom to address his shower door. Once a year, I have to tighten the screws on the glass door hinge. I remember the first time I did this in 2024, I thought I was going to pass out from exhaustion. Keep in mind, I had no idea how to tighten the screw or the mechanics of taking the door apart! Actually back then it was such an ordeal that it triggered a massive migraine and nausea. Each subsequent year, the process had gotten slightly easier. Mainly because I know what to expect and how to do it. 

What I do notice, is that my weekly exercise routine is making a difference. I literally have been lifting five pound weights while on the treadmill, since I am quite aware of my lack of upper body strength. All I can say is the weights are making a difference. I was able to effectively use the screw driver today and the Allen wrenches. But I assure you, this may look simple, but it is arduous and tedious. 

See the loose screws? If I did not address this soon enough, the door would literally disengage from the hinge, which would be dangerous! I have been putting this nightmare task off, but today, I took a deep breath and did it!

The finished product! I felt so vindicated that I did this without passing out, that I moved onto my mom's closet to figure out how to change a light bulb in her track lighting system. So how many Vicki's does it take to change a light bulb?! (you know the funny joke!) In this case, the answer is just ONE!

Saturday, July 18, 2026

Saturday, July 18, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2005. Mattie was three years old. That was Mattie's third trip to the Outer Banks of North Carolina. By that point, Mattie was acclimated to the ocean and sand and like me.... he loved to beach comb. We both loved finding little treasures in the sand. I truly thought we would have many more trips to the beach together, but for some reason that we our last vacation in the Outer Banks for the three of us. 

Quote of the day: You know more about someone at the end of relationship than during the relationship. ~ Amit Kalantri

My dad had a physical therapy session today. Though it is hard to get up early and get everything together before the therapist arrives, I find that these sessions do help to give me some structure to my Saturdays. I still find weekends very hard! Most people look forward to weekends, I absolutely hate them. This started after Mattie died! When Mattie was alive, our weekends were filled with outdoor activities, playdates, parties, and school events. Once he died, it was disorienting. We had no school events, most friends shied away from us (because we represented their worst nightmare), and we were like rudderless ships on a turbulent ocean. Yet we found a way to navigate these unchartered waters. In fact, I would say that what we had to endure, childhood cancer and child loss, only brought us closer together. As we were the only two deeply living this journey and understanding the profound impact Mattie's death has been having on our lives. Now I face this forever journey alone.

When you are married, you just assume that this person will always be with you. One of the profoundly disturbing realities of divorce is that 50% of your institutional memory walks right out the door. Many things in my life and in our life together, I remember well, but some details can be blurry and this where I would normally turn to my other half and say..... what was such and such? or do you remember when....? Case in point, for two days now, I have been racking my brain trying to remember the name of a woman I used to know. Mind you I can't remember in what context I knew this woman! So why am I focused on this woman at all? Well the other day, while exercising, a St. Jude's commercial came on TV. I will spare you my diatribe on St. Jude. Moving forward, there was a mom holding a child with cancer in the commercial, and her face reminded me of someone I knew. 

So for two days now, I have been trying to think about this person. My brain is literally flipping through the pages of my memories, trying to link the face to a context and name. But I have yet to figure it out and naturally something so innocent has caused an emotional cascade..... of two things.... first, I don't have the other half of my institutional knowledge to talk with and to figure out the answer to this mystery woman, and then second, I naturally think when I have these moments...... am I getting dementia? 

I live with two parents, both of whom have various stages of dementia. Therefore, I can't help but worry about my own future. However, unlike my parents, I won't have a spouse or a child for emotional support and guidance. I face sobering realities everyday, even while exercising and watching a commercial. 

Friday, July 17, 2026

Friday, July 17, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2004. Mattie was two years old. That summer, we rented a house for a week in the Outer Banks, NC. Mattie's grandparents and cousins joined us for that week. Mattie's cousins were slightly older than he was and therefore were much more comfortable swimming and playing in a pool. Mattie was a little more tentative, yet eager to observe and find out how he could play along. As you can see I was staying close to Mattie because I wasn't sure what his next move was going to be! How I wish Mattie were still alive, he is missed each and every day. 

Quote of the day: Keys cannot unlock a broken heart. ~ Anthony T. Hincks

In January of 2024, Sunny (my incredible Australian Shepherd) died. Sunny was 13 years old when he died. We had him for 8 amazing years, as I adopted him when he was 5. Sunny opened up a whole new world for me. He got me outside, interacting with people and the world, and we did lots and lots of walks. He was the best exercise and provided such loyalty, love, and devotion. He was the best dog, and I always used to say.... I don't know who rescued who! 

When Sunny died, I bought two "Sunny" hibiscus plants at Lowe's. Each Fall, I bring these beauties inside the house for the winter, and then in the spring, I transplant them back outside into these pots. They are truly hardy plants as not all plants winterize well inside, nor do most plants like changing pots twice a year! Today was my very first Sunny bloom for the summer! Whenever I see these big blossoms, I think of my Sunman (my nickname for Sunny). 

The Canadian fires have made our air quality today almost unbearable. My mom had an intense nose bleed, which scared her. But I have experienced these episodes with her in the past, both here and in California. California gets lots of brush fires and every time there was a fire, it triggered a nose bleed. My mom's nose bleeds can be scary, because they can look intense like a hemorrhage. Thankfully I have experienced them before and know how to handle them with her. The surprise however, is the smokey air is impacting me too. No amount of allergy medication is helping me today and for once, I am hoping for rain. 

This afternoon, I finished my continuing education course on dementia. Gaining myself four more hours of continuing education toward my required 40 hours. Here's the funny thing about taking this course.... I have discovered that many of the evidence based strategies and interventions that were discussed, I have intuitively done with my dad. Not from reading books, or consulting with anyone, but having the sheer determination and perhaps creativity to make his quality of life as best as possible. So in a way, this course made me feel proud of myself, because what I negotiate through in any given day is NOT for sissies! 

Thursday, July 16, 2026

Thursday, July 16, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2002. Mattie was three months old in this photo. My parents were visiting and staying with us. Which was a balancing act, because we had limited space in the apartment and Mattie was up at all hours of the night. Literally back then, I was a zombie most days, but I have always been a person who could operate on not a lot of sleep. As you can see, Mattie was sitting in his car seat. I literally put the car seat right inside his stroller. Back then, there weren't strollers that you could snap a car seat into. Mattie preferred being held by me, but the only other thing he tolerated was his car seat. Which was why inside the house, you'd always find Mattie's car seat. At night, I literally would put the car seat right into his crib, because Mattie hated lying flat and would scream and cry until I picked him back up. As I always say.... Mattie was my greatest teacher. I learned that sleep doesn't come naturally to many infants, instead they need to be trained. That was one of many things I learned from Mattie, and in fact, many of the life lessons we gained together, have enabled me to interface with any doctor, hospital, and test result. Mattie prepared me to be the caregiver, advocate, and person I am today. 

Quote of the day: The hard truth of the dissolution of a marriage is that, while it takes two to say “I do,” it takes only one to say “I don’t.” ~ Nicole Sodoma

I think the day after any sort of milestone, that is connected with a loss, is challenging. In fact, sometimes the days after are even harder than the actual milestone date itself. In my case, intense caregiving prevents me from sitting, wallowing, or reflecting too hard on all the pain. But it doesn't take much to scratch the surface to see the consequences of my reality. 

In typical fashion I got my dad up, showered, dressed, and downstairs this morning. He had a make up day at his memory care center and I had to get him there early because his physical therapist was going to assess his progress. After I dropped my dad off, I then went grocery shopping. Sometimes shopping perks me up, but today it had no effect. It was just a chore. 

I came back home to deal with laundry, putting away groceries, and attempting to do more continuing education work for my license. Prior to my divorce, I could sit still for long periods of time, but now, I truly can't just be for more than 30 minutes. My body is programmed to move, address needs, and my mind, is on hyper alert, prepared to deal with the next shoe that will drop. Because from my experience, there will always be the next shoe! 

In the afternoon, I took my mom out for tea. However, we first stopped at the bank, and because of the intense heat, I brought my mom in with me. I literally know everyone who works at the bank. It is like watching an episode of the TV series, Cheers. I walk in, and everyone say.... hi Victoria! I know how all the tellers are doing, I know about their families, and I LOVE, LOVE my banker. My mom met her today. This is the amazing woman who sat down with me last Fall to help me manage debt and understand credit card interest. She did not judge me, instead, she understood that this wasn't one of my responsibilities in my marriage. But as we all acknowledged today..... I am a fast learner.

Summer used to be my favorite time of year. I love warm weather and I love seeing and caring for plants and flowers. Yet, Mattie was diagnosed on July 23, 2008, and that changed the trajectory of summers for me. Add to it being divorced. People all around me are talking about going on vacations. I haven't been on a vacation since 2021. I have had NOT EVEN ONE DAY off since my parents moved into the house. But frankly, even if I wasn't caregiving, vacations have been destroyed for me, as my future plans were to go traveling with my other half. We had experienced so many wonderful places all over the world together and though I am clearly an independent woman, I am a woman who has been in love with one person for most of adult life. It is very hard trying to find my way in the world, a world that went from....three, to two, and now one.