Friday, January 16, 2025

Friday, January 16, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2009. The week before this photo was taken we went to New York City to start Mattie's experimental treatment. Along our journey, we went to the Empire State Building. I will never forget that visit because it was during the week and there were no lines to get on the elevators and to tour around. We truly lucked out, because of Mattie's low immunity, I was never big on crowds. Mattie loved the adventure up to the 102 floor! I am NOT big on heights, but since this was something Mattie wanted to do.... we did it! We then stopped into the gift shop, and purchased this erector set of the Empire State building. When we got home, it was constructed! To this day, this Empire State building sits in my office and it reminds me of our time together and Mattie's courageous fight against osteosarcoma. 

Quote of the day: I keep myself busy with the things I do, but every time I pause, I still think of you. ~ Amy Sparling

Reflecting on this past month, I have had some truly powerful email communications with families of children with cancer. During the December holidays, we granted four Wishes, to children and in the process have had the opportunity to hear from families about their experiences, insights, and feelings. I am very honored that we could make these Wishes possible. Wishes such as 1) a trip to Branson, MO to see Dollywood and Christmas lights, 2) a trip to Disneyland, 3) a cello and cello lessons, and 4) a trip to Galveston, TX to go to the beach and tour museums and gardens. 

In the process of writing to families, it causes me to use the skills and insights I have gained from Mattie's cancer journey and of course my own journey with grief and trauma. Here's the reality of facing a loss..... there is NO TIME CONSTRAINT to grief. Our society thinks that things return to normal after year one..... newsflash.... they don't! I am very honest with the families I interact with, not because I want them to be depressed by what I am telling them, but because I want them to be armed with factual information! When Mattie died, NO ONE prepared me for this forever pain, or told me that with each year the grief, loss and trauma evolves with us. I assure you, that would have been helpful, because here is what happens if you don't know this..... You think that something is WRONG with you! After all, when year one was over, why didn't I feel any better?! It would be very easy to pathologize long term grief, which is why I constantly tell families that the loss will be with you forever, but what happens with time is that this loss becomes more familiar. Over time, you develop strategies and coping mechanisms to manage holidays, milestone moments, daily pains of child loss, being around other children, and functioning in society and having a future without your child. 

This same philosophy also applies to survivors of cancer, and yes parents of children with cancer are also deemed survivors. Parents are not the actual patients, but they endure every aspect of the treatment with their child and for parents nothing is more traumatic than seeing your child face a life-threatening disease. Once the medical treatment for cancer is over, many parents of children with cancer are led to believe that life returns back to normal! Again, another newsflash.... it doesn't. The psychosocial issues continue when the treatment stops and not preparing families for this reality, to me, sets them up for failure. Once a child survives cancer, a parent will always be hyperalert to every cold, cough, and fever. The worry about secondary cancers arising from the treatment and the emotional and financial toll on the family lingers on. But just like bereaved parents, parents of survivors develop strategies to cope with all these natural anxieties, fears, and feelings, and learn to do so hopefully without the baggage of being labeled with having an adjustment issue. 

Do you know that since our Wishes program started in 2022, we have granted 56 Wishes, to children in 25 States, totaling over $70,000 in Wishes! I am very proud of this achievement for Mattie Miracle, and today a mom wrote to me and thanked me. She said she has read a lot of books, but no one has been as spot on and honest as me about grief. I can't tell you how many people tell me to write a book, and I absorb these requests. All I can say is YES ONE DAY, I AM SURE THERE WILL BE A BOOK.     

Thursday, January 15, 2025

Thursday, January 15, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2009. That week we took Mattie to New York City to begin his experimental treatment. Before starting treatment we did many fun things with Mattie around town. It was an interesting experience traveling through the city with Mattie in a wheelchair, but what I found ironically is mostly everyone we encountered tried to be helpful and courteous. This photo was taken on the Hudson River while we were on a Liberty Cruise. It was a special way to see the Statue of Liberty and the Manhattan skyline. It is hard to believe that we were on the Hudson River a week before the Miracle on the Hudson took place, in which Captain "Sully" Sullenberger landed US Airways Flight 1549 in the Hudson River after a flock of geese disabled both engines shortly after takeoff from LaGuardia Airport. 

Quote of the day: If you think about someone you've loved and lost, you are already with them. ~ Jodi Picoult

I went to bed with a splitting headache and I woke up with a migraine. How I would have loved to stay in bed and rest, but in my house it is impossible. I literally dragged myself out of bed, went downstairs to feed Indie, and then popped Advil and my migraine medications in the hopes of stabilizing. I had to take my dad to his podiatry appointment today, so when there are time crunches in the morning, I always feel immense pressure. After his appointment I took him back home and had him and my mom rest for an hour before I took them out to lunch. Some times I wonder how I function at all, but thank goodness I have a bill paying system that works for me. Because when I went into my office today, I checked my bill pile and realized I had not scheduled payments for three bills. Mind you I thought I had done that, but what I had done was I had figured out how I was going to pay these bills in my monthly spreadsheet. That did not actually translate to paying the bills! Thankfully I had the time today to get that addressed. 

Each day I have great hopes that I am going to have a peaceful couple of hours to work on my continuing education for my mental health license. But dealing with caregiving, the house, bill paying and the Foundation, there just aren't enough hours in the day! Some days I can get upset with myself, but then I have to remind myself.... I am ONE PERSON doing the impossible.... LIGHTEN UP! 

My friend, who I never met in person, and lives in England, sent me this video today. I have included the link below for you to watch, because chances are we ALL can relate to it.... as we all get down on ourselves, for not achieving what we hoped to do. Yet when we pause and realize just what we have accomplished and what we have survived, it is really quite extraordinary. I hope this adorable Winnie the Pooh video resonates with you too: 

https://actionforhappin.disciplemedia.com/posts/102986?sh=I83vcnCo

Wednesday, January 14, 2026

Wednesday, January 14, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2009. That week we took Mattie to New York City to begin his experimental treatment. The hotel was amazing and gave us a penthouse suite and Mattie's child life specialist surprised us with a package which was awaiting us at the front desk. The package contained many of the items Mattie loved to play with, and she wanted to remind Mattie that his hospital family in Washington, DC was thinking of him.  

Quote of the day: The love of family is life’s greatest blessing, and missing them is its deepest sorrow. ~ Unknown

This morning was a circus show because I had to get my dad to his memory care center and I had to get my mom to her doctor's appointment. Mornings are becoming even harder than they once were, especially since my dad continues to have bathroom issues. Though I write about my dad, my mom has plenty of her own medical issue. My mom has no concept of time. In addition, she is glued to Facebook, so much so that she can in the middle of a task and then just stops what she is doing and becomes absorbed by her phone. Normally that is okay with me, but on mornings when we are on a time schedule, it is complicated! Once I got my dad showered, dressed, and downstairs for breakfast, I ran back upstairs to get something. I was upstairs for less than two minutes. When I came back downstairs, my mom was glued to her phone while eating and my dad was sitting opposite her, moaning and grimacing. She was unaware of any of this, but fortunately I got downstairs because I whisked my dad to the bathroom just in time. 

I took my mom to the hospital to visit with the rheumatologist, who is a lovely woman and my mom likes her! Once a year, my mom has to have a blood test for this doctor, and my mom dislikes needles. After her doctor appointment, I took my mom to the hospital's outpatient lab, because it is close to the doctor's office and all the people working in there are very competent. Just like last year, my mom was fearful about the blood test, but the tech was fabulous today and made the whole process very easy. What I have found time and time again is that medical personnel who love their jobs and interacting with patients, make everything go much more efficiently and effectively! 

The salt saga continues. Apparently all my complaining has generated action! I went from receiving NO SALT, to now 243 pounds of salt were delivered to my door step. Mind you I only ordered 120 pounds of salt on December 31. The seller never delivered my order, but charged my credit card. Yesterday I took on that issue and complained in writing twice! 

Here is the problem with what has happened to me since my divorce..... I now question everything, everyone's motive, agenda, and if I feel like I am being taken advantage of, I become extremely assertive. Yes, all my life, I have been a good advocate for other people, but now I have learned the hard and most painful way that I also MUST look out for my own interests and safety as well.  

Tuesday, January 13, 2026

Tuesday, January 13, 2026 -- Mattie died 828 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken on January 11, 2009. That week we drove to New York City, so that Mattie could start an experimental treatment for osteosarcoma. We checked into a hotel close by the medical center. When we booked the room, we picked a standard room. However, when the front desk saw us enter with Mattie in a wheelchair, they immediately upgraded us at no additional cost to a penthouse suite. This suite was incredible, with two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a full kitchen, balconies, and a lovely sitting area. As you can see Mattie loved the space and was attempting to use the walls and things around him to hobble around the room (remember Mattie could no longer walk independently at that point!). I will never forget this hotel and our trip to NYC! 

Quote of the day: You are my favorite hello and my hardest goodbye. ~ Cecelia Ahern

Today was the kind of day that was a complete blur, and leaves me saying...... God give me strength. I remember years ago, my dad's doctor telling him that the number one reason older adults land up in nursing homes is over BATHROOM issues! I can absolutely appreciate why this is the case. Each day, it is a real challenge managing my dad's bathroom issues and my attempt to keep him regular is becoming more and more difficult. Yesterday, my dad faced constipation, so before he went to bed, I gave him a Senokot. This morning the showering process was a royal nightmare. It was like the dam broke and I was dealing with non-stop bowel movements. EVERYWHERE. I was cleaning the floor, the chair in the bathroom, my dad....... well you get the picture! This ordeal lasted 90 minutes! Honestly by noon, I felt like I went ten rounds, and yet my day was just beginning. 

When I went to throw out the garbage today, I noticed that my second pumpkin from Halloween, had thawed out. Therefore, I quickly whisked it inside, carved it open, and transformed it into pumpkin and apple soup. As the winter is fully upon us, I like freezing soups, as I never know when we will be couped up at home because of snow. 

The other ordeal I addressed today was a missing Amazon order I placed on December 31. Typically I never have an issue with Amazon, but I ordered water softening salts for the house's system. The order was placed, my credit card was charged, but I never received the salt from the third party seller. I was scheduled to get these salts on January 8. Today being the 13th, there was no update from the seller. So I pursued this order this morning and contacted the actual third party seller. He told me he couldn't deliver me the salt because my address was undeliverable! Really? When was he going to let me know? I pushed back at him, because I have never had one solitary issue with any of my other Amazon orders. Any case, I then reached out to Amazon twice today, and fortunately the company is super helpful and understood my frustration. 

All of my complaining today produced multiple bags of salt. I ordered three 40 pound bags! The third party seller delivered me three 25 pound bags! Again, I complained because I paid for 120 pounds of salt. I feel like I have been at this all day today. Not only did Amazon give me a portion of my money back, but then later tonight, an additional delivery of 80 pounds of salt were left on my doorstep! Want to know who lifts 40 pounds of salt in my home? THE ANSWER IS ME! I have become the jack of all trades, including lifting bags that are truly almost half of my body weight! I have enough to manage on any given day, and when I have to juggle issues like this, it sets me off. Mostly what sets me off is the simple fact that I manage all of this alone and I am quite certain I will never understand how anyone I loved could think it is okay! 

Monday, January 12, 2026

Monday, January 12, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2008. There was a lot going on in this photo! Mattie was in his second month of treatment, but it was before his first limb salvaging surgery. That day, Mattie's "girlfriend," Charlotte came to the hospital to visit. 

On an aside, Mattie met Charlotte on his first day of kindergarten and the two of them instantly clicked. I really think they brought out the best in each other. I will never forget Charlotte telling me that she and Mattie were going to go to college together and be roommates. Or the time I was taking them in my car to a classmate's birthday party. Mattie took out a plastic ring he got at the dentist office for a good dental cleaning, and proceeded to give it to Charlotte. He told her, he was going to marry her some day. Of course Mattie never made it to first grade nor did he have the chance to go to college, but in a way, I think he packed in as much as he could in his seven years. 

While on cancer treatment, Mattie had a host of moods. As adults, we could process these moods, but they were harder to understand if you were a child. At times, Mattie would lash out at Charlotte emotionally, but somehow Charlotte continued on and never stopped visiting. Truly what I learned about friendship from Mattie and his buddies that year, remains with me today. The afternoon pictured in this photo, Mattie and Charlotte were watching a Scooby Doo movie together. Pictured with Mattie and Charlotte was Tricia. Tricia was Mattie's favorite HEM/ONC nurse. She came into our lives during the first week of treatment (I will share that story below). But Tricia understood the importance of Mattie connecting with a friend and even though she was flushing out his IV lines, she made a point of doing it on the side and not interfering with their visit or view of the movie. Mattie has been gone from my life for 16 years now, but what hasn't changed is my connection with Tricia. She is a gift Mattie left behind for me. 

Quote of the day: I don’t know what they are called, the spaces between seconds—but I think of you always in those intervals. ~ Salvador Plascencia

Today was a difficult day and it is 5pm now and the difficulties continue. What is today's issue.... constipation! Typically my dad has the opposite problem, but occasionally for no explanation or reason, he will get constipated. The combination of constipation and Alzheimer's disease is a nightmare. It borders on practically making me crazy. Why? Because my dad will moan constantly and get fixated on going to the bathroom. I can't tell you how many times we have gone back and forth to the bathroom today, with no success. In moments like these, all I can say is GOD GIVE ME STRENGTH. I have him on a regime of fiber pills and Senokot daily to try to prevent days like today, but what I have learned with caregiving is no day is ever the same and instead each day is a juggling act in some way. Nonetheless, I am absolutely exhausted and it is very hard on the mind and body to live the same day over and over again. It takes great inner strength, discipline, and determination on my part NOT to crack up or have a breakdown. 

So I am changing the subject, and instead reflecting on a special woman in my life. Mattie's nurse, Tricia. Naturally the first week of cancer treatment is difficult, and given that Mattie's treatment was all in-patient, it was a massive adjustment to say good-bye to our home for about 14 months, and live day by day in a two by four of a hospital room. Keep in mind at Mattie's hospital, rooms SHARED showers. Can you imagine in a hospital, to have to share a shower with people you don't know? My day never starts without a shower, and it was sobering to have to juggle taking a shower, and time it with my neighbor's needs (naturally I always hoped that my neighbor cleaned up after him or herself). It felt like a total invasion of privacy, in which I couldn't even shower in peace. So that first week, there were many emotional adjustments and challenges. Mattie was NOT happy that he couldn't go to school, that he was feeling awful, and couldn't be a normal six year old child. 

I honestly give nurses a lot of credit, because when they walk into a room..... they have NO IDEA what they are going to face on the other side. One afternoon, inside Mattie's room, sheer chaos was going on. He was angry, hostile, and screaming at me. He felt that it was my fault that he was in the hospital and that I was the one who wouldn't let him leave the hospital. It was so overwhelming, that he cornered me against the bathroom door of the room and was hitting and kicking me. Get the scene!? This is the scene that Tricia walked into! Now mind you Tricia did not know Mattie or me well at that point, since it was our first week in the hospital. It would have been more than understandable if Tricia decided to turn back around and leave the room until I got things under control. I believe a less seasoned nurse may have done just that! But Tricia did not leave. Instead, she was able to redirect Mattie away from me, to calm him down, and to explain that none of this was my fault. She then said that we were both exhausted and instead we should get some rest together. Tricia literally walked both me and Mattie to his hospital bed, got us into it, and tucked us both in. I am not sure what was more magical..... the fact that she was able to defuse a very volatile situation, or the fact that she read the situation correctly and understood that Mattie was simply upset, and that it was not a reflection on the loving bond we actually shared. All I know is tucking us in reset both of us emotionally and at the same time, it showed me immediately that Tricia was going to be a special force in our journey. Tricia is a seasoned nurse, who is not only competent and compassionate, but is warm, open, and a fierce advocate for her patients and families. 

Here's another Tricia moment. After Mattie's first limb salvaging surgery, Mattie was besides himself in pain. The medical team was NOT managing it well and I conveyed this to his pediatric intensive care nurse. Instead of this nurse trying to be a part of the solution, she instead contacted Mattie's oncologist. This nurse called in Mattie's child life professional to sit with him in the room, and the nurse physically removed me from Mattie's room. Mind you while she removed me, Mattie was screaming for me and was very upset by what she was doing. So picture me, this nurse, and the oncologist in the middle of the pediatric intensive care unit hallway. This nurse proceeded to tell the oncologist (in the hallway for others to hear) that it was me who was the problem. That Mattie really did not have as much pain as was being reported, but instead, he was reacting to me, and therefore in her opinion, it was me who had to be removed from the room and the unit. Seriously the fact that I did not throttle that nurse there and then is remarkable! I expected Mattie's oncologist to back me up and to stand up to this nurse.... but he did not. He was weak and she bamboozled him. Thank GOD, Tricia was in the unit that day. She could hear the commotion and in Tricia style, she did not walk away from a problem.... she walked toward it! Tricia explained to the doctor that she had gotten to know me very well over the course of the last several months and she said the only reason Mattie was calm and well adjusted was because of ME! Within seconds she turned this chaos around, and in essence put this other nurse in her place. Which I assure you wasn't easy to do, as this other nurse was a big bully. But that is Tricia.... she stands up for the truth and advocates to the end for her patients and families. It was thanks to Tricia, that I returned to Mattie's room that day and even received an apology from Mattie's oncologist! 

It is probably no wonder that on a different occasion, as Mattie was walking in the pediatric intensive care unit hallway, he screamed for Tricia. She came flying over thinking he had a medical issue. Why was he screaming? Why did he want her next to him? The answer is..... to literally say..... I LOVE YOU! All I can say is..... we all need a Tricia in our lives and I am thankful to this day, she remains a part of my life. 

Sunday, January 11, 2026

Sunday, January 11, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2007. That afternoon, my mom and I took Mattie to our local mall in Virginia. What we weren't expecting was a petting zoo. They literally were waltzing animals through the aisles of Bloomingdales! I am not kidding. Mattie saw what was going on and followed the animals. The animals were brought to this pen and we literally went inside and got to meet sheep, bunnies, and a little pony! Look at the big smile on Mattie's face. PRICELESS!

Quote of the day: We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop. ~ Mother Teresa

I have noticed one particular insight this weekend about myself! I guess it is not earth shattering but it is factual! Through caregiving for Mattie and my parents, I have learned many important medical insights! Certainly I am aware that I have no medical training, but I have lived through the school of hard knocks, and by caring for loved ones who have had a host of medical conditions, I have learned a lot! I do not really reflect on this knowledge, until someone contacts me and then I give them a whole host of ideas, questions to ask doctors, and how to manage symptoms. Case in point, a friend's daughter was hospitalized this weekend. The young girl is five years old. An age group I am VERY familiar with, and therefore I knew this girl had to be frightened and scared. I also immediately understood the panic and fear felt by her parents. In any case, I have been texting back and forth all weekend with the family and most importantly I made sure they connected with their child life professional. NO child should have to be hospitalized without having access to such a vital professional. A good child life professional can make the impossible, slightly more manageable. Which is one of the reasons Mattie Miracle has been paying the salary of a child life professional since 2011. I am not sure where Mattie or I would have been without Linda, Mattie's child life professional. I used to call her our Medical Mary Poppins. Not only did she help Mattie, but she helped me on so many occasions. There were days I was at my breaking point, yet I had to keep it together for Mattie. On very tough days, Linda would bring me a canister of frosting. I am NOT kidding! Not that it changed my circumstances, but it psychologically made me feel better to have support and sugar! My combination of choice! 

This afternoon, I took my parents out for brunch. Something we do every Sunday. This is a typical occurrence with my dad. He falls asleep at the table and my mom is typically glued to Facebook on her cell phone. So though we are out in the world, it is still a very isolating and lonely existence. But I persist and carry on, despite the fact that emotionally it is hard to see the decline of my parents, to accept the death of my son, and to come to terms with the demise of my 35 year relationship. Any one of these alone is horrible, all together, there really are NO WORDS!

Saturday, January 10, 2026

Saturday, January 10, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2007. Mattie was five years old and as you can see he was a climber! In fact, when I was Mattie's age, I used to do the exact same thing on the staircase in our house. I used to drive my mother and grandmother crazy! Since I knew how much I loved doing this, I did not try to stop Mattie. But that said, I was always close by in case he slipped or fell. While going through my saved photos this evening, I realize I had several folders that were blank. So I went on-line to the place we used to store all of our family photos! When I got into the account, I came across many photos like this one, which I hadn't seen for years. But overall, seeing photos of us as a family practically made me sick! I had to back out of what I was looking at because I truly can't process losing Mattie and being divorced. It was like looking at the photos that belonged to a different person. 

Quote of the day: A dog is the only thing that can mend a crack in your broken heart. ~ Judy Desmond

Today marks the second anniversary of Sunny's death. Two years may have marched on, but his love, presence, and companionship are felt forever. Sunny changed my life around after Mattie died. Sunny helped me get back out into the world, walk, and re-engage with the world. He was a remarkable soul, who I hope is now united with Mattie. As Mattie always wanted to have a dog!

This photo was featured on Facebook in 2016. A friend sent me this photo and a link to Sunny. Well actually Sunny's name was Lenny at the time. My friend knew I was trying to adopt a dog, but since I lived in the city, most rescue agencies did not want to work with us. I fell in LOVE with Sunny's photos and contacted the adoption center because I wanted to adopt him even without ever meeting him in person. It was a gamble, especially since I never owned a dog as an adult. The adoption process was rigorous as it entailed an interview, an inspection of our home, a letter of support from our complex's office, and we had to attend a dog behavioral training session. If you believe at love at first sight, then that was Sunny and me. The day we picked him up to adopt him, Sunny approached me first and then did not leave our sides. He was an companion until his last breath.

Look at that face! Eager to go out for a walk... rain or shine. That was the thing I quickly learned about owning a dog..... walking happens no matter the conditions outside. Sunny and I walked in the bitter cold and during intense summer heat. 

Sunny and I went through training for him to get his good citizenship certification. It was a ten week course, if I remember correctly. Honestly I think the training was more for me than for Sunny. Clearly Sunny had been trained prior to me adopting him, and he knew all the commands already. I had to learn them, but the reality is that Sunny made me look good in class. As he was compliant and very motivated by the treats in my pockets. I will never forget one of the tests we had to pass for his certification.... it involved walking 10 feet away from Sunny. He had to stay where he was and not follow me. Which was a feat in and of itself. Once I was 10 feet away, I then had to face him, call him, and get him to respond to me by running to me. This exercise always freaked me out because in class, sometimes Sunny would do it and sometimes he wouldn't! But in true Sunny fashion, he rose to the occasion during testing and it was an amazing sight to see and experience. This photo was taken right after we passed certification. 

Sunny was a great companion visiting Mattie's memorial tree. Sunny seemed to understand instinctively around this tree, as he never tried to mark it or dig around it. He would just sit and patiently watch and wait for me! 

Sunny had to have two different knee surgeries! During one of his physical therapy sessions, his therapist dressed him up for Halloween. Kristy absolutely loved Sunny. She called him the professor, because she felt that when he looked at her with his big beautiful eyes, he was studying and examining her!

Two pals.... Sunny and Indie! The first time these two met each other in 2016.... they touched noses. Each respected the other and Indie just knew, Sunny got my full attention! This was not an unusual sight for me, as both of them would track me during the day as I was working at my desk.

Sunny loved to claim the couch!

That particular day, my neighbor asked me to babysit her pooch. Sunny was NOT happy, he was actually jealous that he was not getting my full attention. I really wasn't expecting this from Sunny, but as you can see, I was trying to explain what was happening to him and to reassure him who was number one! 

In Sunny's younger days, when he could jump on top of the bed, he would grace me with his presence many a morning. He was better than an alarm clock. 

Sunny was an Australian Shepherd/Australian Cattle Dog mix. So in essence he was a herding dog. Sunny tracked and chased anything that moved.... even on TV. I absolutely loved how he was transfixed on that squirrel. 

I end tonight with this beautiful photo of Sunny and me. It was true love! 

Born on August 14, 2011

Adopted September 1, 2016

Died on January 10, 2024

13 years old! 

Friday, January 9, 2026

Friday, January 9, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2006. Mattie was three and half years old. That afternoon he brought home all the creations you see on the coffee table. He worked on them in preschool! Mattie was very prolific both at school and in the hospital. I tried hard to save many of his things. 

When we moved from our apartment into the house in 2021, I took many of Mattie's creations and made collages or placed items into shadow boxes. All of which are on display in my office. Can you see many of the items on the coffee table above, now framed on my wall? How did I know to save these things? After all, I had no idea Mattie was going to get cancer and die! Perhaps it is my sentimental nature, my attachment to people and things, or the simple notion that I knew these items marked developmental milestones for Mattie. What I do know is it NEVER crossed my mind back then that these items would become legacy pieces! It never dawned on me that Mattie would die before me.

Quote of the day: Anyway, it doesn't matter how much, how often, or how closely you keep an eye on things because you can't control it. Sometimes things and people just go. Just like that. ~ Cecelia Ahern

My dad's nurse came over this morning to assess the pressure sore on his back. This is another thing I am maintaining and managing daily! My dad has a sore that seems to heal and then weeks later it opens right back up! It is very frustrating for me. Fortunately for my dad, he can't see or feel it. Which is a blessing, because when my dad is aware of a skin issue, he scratches. His scratching is so intense that he typically causes infections. 

Once the nurse's visit was done, I drove my dad to his memory care center. Before going to the center, I reviewed with my dad some of the special activities they were doing today at the center! At 3:30pm, they were scheduled to have an ice cream social. So I specifically made a point to pick up my dad up at 4pm, so he could enjoy the social. When I picked him up at 4pm, my dad not only had NO recall of anything he did all day, but he had NO recollection of the ice cream social. I have told the staff that their calendar of activities is NO HELP to me or my dad, what I need is photo documentation. This is the only way I can have a meaningful dialogue with my dad, as I can use the photos to trigger memories of the day. This lack of recall puts my dad in a very vulnerable position! Which is why when he is in the hospital, I am always on guard because he is not aware of what's happening to him and certainly can't advocate for himself. 

While my dad was at the memory care center, I decided to keep this morning open in case I had to retrieve my mom's car, which has been getting serviced since Wednesday. I got all chores done yesterday like grocery shopping and picking up scripts at the pharmacy. But it turns out my mom's car won't be ready until next week. So that freed my morning up slightly. I spent two concentrated hours doing Foundation administrative work. Specifically putting together, printing out, and writing donation acknowledgment letters. Each December, Mattie Miracle runs its annual drive, which helps us raise additional funds for the operation of our programs. Within the past two weeks, I have processed over 70 letters. These 70 donors are steadfast supporters, and it is thanks to them, we have a Foundation 16 years later! When I tell them that they make the Mattie Miracles possible, I am NOT kidding. 

Given the amount of work I did today, along with caregiving, by mid-day, I started to develop a terrible migraine and felt nauseous. I knew at that point, I had to remove myself from the computer and my desk, change my scenery and take a migraine rescue medication. 

This was a photo of Sunny and me at Great Falls in Virginia. One of the parks Sunny absolutely LOVED. Tomorrow, January 10, marks the second anniversary of Sunny's death. I can't believe my boy has been gone for two years! He may not be physically with me, but whenever I see a dog walking with its owner, I THINK of Sunny. WHICH IS DAILY! Sunny's dog bed is still in our family room. Indie now uses it, but I can't forget the happiness and joy this special fellow brought to my life. He may have been a rescue, but he is the one who rescued me. 

Thursday, January 8, 2026

Thursday, January 8, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2005. Mattie was two and half years old and by that time, he LOVED bath time. Which was ironic because initially Mattie disliked the feeling of water on his skin. He went from hating it to loving it in a matter of two years. He loved it so much that I could drain the bath tub, and yet Mattie did not want to get out of it. I am not sure if Mattie liked the notion of bathing, or playing in water. My hunch is Mattie loved water play and that motivated him to bathe. I remember while filling up the tub with water, Mattie would pick out toys and throw them into the water, before he got in. Once in the water, he would create all sorts of play schemes and by the time he got out of the tub his little fingers were water logged! 

Quote of the day: As long as I can I will look at this world for both of us. As long as I can I will laugh with the birds, I will sing with the flowers, I will pray to the stars, for both of us. ~ Sascha

My dad is enrolled in a Medicare program that assigns a nursing team to his care. This team calls me monthly to check in and I literally can call them 24/7 if I have questions or concerns. So far, I can't tell if this program is helpful or purely annoying as it forces me to communicate with someone who doesn't know our circumstances and situation. Yet each month, I have to bring them up to speed. 

Any case, for two days, the nurse has tried calling me at 8am! When she called on Tuesday morning at 8am, I literally said to her..... YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING! I am juggling my dad and a thousand things in the morning. They never pre-arrange a call date and time. I have to fit into their agenda and Tuesday, I was not nice, I was not kind, I was annoyed. They then called me Wednesday morning, again at 8am! I did not answer the phone. I then called them back later in the morning. While talking with the nurse, she basically told me she was happy that the holidays were behind us. She did not go into much detail other than there is great pressure to create the perfect holiday, to cook/bake, and buy presents. All of which are overwhelming. I told her I understood, though our circumstances are quite different. 

Last night, I got into bed, and I couldn't sleep! I do get nights like this now since my separation. Anxiety, stress, and all sorts of emotions seem more raw at night. It is when the house is quiet and I am not pulled from one task to the other, but instead, I have time to feel and think! NEVER a good thing for me. Since I couldn't sleep, I watched Hallmark movies. I no longer get upset that I can't sleep, as it serves no purpose. 

The movie that caught my attention last night was titled, Single on the 25th! I am not sure this title would have even peaked my interest when I was married, but now I am intrigued by how single people manage and cope through the holidays! The movie opens up with the main character walking through the streets of Chicago. As she is walking, she is bombarded with photos and images of happy couples.... for example, she passes her local coffee house and it featured a billboard outside of a couple drinking a huge hot chocolate together. This main character then goes home and opens up her mailbox. She received countless holiday cards from friends featuring photos.... couples together, couples getting married, and couples having babies! So quickly you can see this character is overwhelmed with aloneness and it is evident that she feels different from everyone else! She then questioned.... is Christmas for couples only? 

Along the way this woman meets her next door neighbor, who is a confirmed bachelor. He can see she is struggling and befriends her in hopes that he can show her that being single is wonderful and though her family wasn't able to come and visit for Christmas, she should go ahead and attend all the events and activities she had planned to do with them, but do them alone. So while she is on a quest to find herself and appreciate who she is and what she brings to the world, she is in the process helping her confirmed bachelor neighbor question what it would be like to be in love and involved with someone. In essence, they are both on a quest, and as with any good Hallmark movie, these quests intersection and as I always say.... with Hallmark there are NO UNHAPPY endings! I have enough unhappiness in real life, I don't need to absorb it on the screen too! 

I think the content of this movie evoked so many feelings in me that instead of relaxing and being able to sleep, I remained up for several more hours after the movie was over. Like the main character in the movie, I too believe life is more meaningful, special, and worth living when you have someone to share it with! As Christmas 2025, the third Christmas I spent without my other half, is behind me, I wonder to myself.... will it ever get better? Will it ever get easier? I am not sure it ever will, because holidays are so much more than presents, trees, and good will. They are about shared experiences, memories, and the hope of many more of these moments together. So I face life alone and what's worse is in a way I am tortured by what I thought my life used to look and feel like, and it takes a lot of self discipline not to get fully consumed by these emotions. 

Wednesday, January 7, 2026

Wednesday, January 7, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2006! How on earth was this photo taken 20 years ago? I do not know how this is possible, especially when you think about 17 of those 20 years, Mattie was NOT even alive!!! Mattie was three and half years old in this photo. He was sitting on a rocking duck, something that survived through the generations, as Mattie's grandparents bought this duck in Holland, and their boys used it, and then their grandchildren used it! Since Mattie was the last one in the cousin line to be born, Mattie basically inherited this duck. To this day, this duck remains in my office! It is a reminder of this precious moment in time. 

Quote of the day: The life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living. ~ Marcus Tullius Cicero

If you read last night's blog, then you know I was scheduled to take my mom's car in for its annual service appointment today. No my mom no longer drives, but since this car came from California, it was my mom's car to begin with, I therefore refer to it as MY MOM'S CAR! The car matches her good taste, it is a classic! Unlike my car, which is very practical and now has over 103,000 miles on it! 

Dealing with my mom's car dealership sometimes takes my breath away! So much so that I have written several formal complaint letters to this dealership and the parent company! Mainly because the dealership could care less about the customer or making it easy for the customer to get a car serviced. Specifically I am referring to the fact that it is close to impossible for customer's to be given a loaner car when the car goes in for service. Service usually takes multiple days in the shop! Thankfully I own two cars, so we are never stranded, but since my separation/divorce, I have a great phobia about getting into a car with a stranger. Every time I go to this dealership, I have to take Uber to get back home or to return to pick up my car. I do it, but I am not happy about it. I have no one in my neighborhood who will help me! 

I drove my dad to his memory care center today in my car! Then I went back home, and jumped into my mom's car and drove it to the dealership, which is about 30 minutes away from home. Why didn't I just take my dad to his memory care center in my mom's car? Because my mom's car is a sports car, low to the ground and very difficult for my dad to get in and out of! Since he is recovering from back pain when hospitalized, I did not want him to have a set back by tweaking his back getting in or out of the car. So it was worth my driving back home to switch cars. 

When I arrived at the dealership, I met with the same representative who has helped us since 2021. However, I noticed a different feeling in the service department! Why? The dealership is under NEW management and new management has now arranged for customers to easily get a loaner car through an on-site rental company! I literally almost fell on the floor today when my representative said.... of course you can have a loaner car! That may sound like an inconsequential thing, but for me it turned my whole day around. 

However, here's the funny thing! It took me ten minutes to orient myself to the loaner car! New cars are filled with technology, bells and whistles, and different ways to start the car, adjust seats and mirrors, and turning on the radio was a show! Honestly watching me in this car could have been a sitcom in and of itself! The car is so smart, that it knows the speed limit in whatever area you are driving. If you go several MPH over the speed limit the car sets off an alarm! I swear I had NO IDEA what was ringing at me, until I saw on the screen the speed limit alarm flashing! All I know is the speed limit maybe one thing, but around my area if you drive the speed limit, you will cause an accident, as everyone moves way passed the limit. So I had the alarm ringing at me constantly and I really couldn't adjust the seat appropriately! I am too small for this car, but luckily could see over the dash board! 

It was a glorious weather day, close to 60 degrees, and things worked out with the car dealership! So to me, it was a good day, as I have learned to appreciate a day without a crisis. I savor these days! This afternoon, I took my mom out for tea. While I was on-line order our things, I could see a young woman sitting with two men. These men clearly had legal knowledge. They were talking loudly, so it was hard NOT to listen! They were trying to assist her. I quickly got up to speed, as she is separated from her spouse and she was talking about the chaos she is living with and the men sitting with her were trying to advise her. Mainly one of them kept saying to her.... given all that he has done, you want a divorce, right??? She wouldn't answer the question! To anyone else hearing this, I am sure the reaction would be..... What?? Get a divorce! But I understood this woman's position. When you love someone, devote your life to them, and think it is forever, it is very hard making a decision to dissolve such a union. But this is where the law and reality do not always match up. I felt for this woman today, because they were talking facts, and she was talking emotions! For this woman and all women facing a separation and divorce my heart goes out to them, as it is a huge life adjustment that permanently alters your future.