Friday, January 9, 2026

Friday, January 9, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2006. Mattie was three and half years old. That afternoon he brought home all the creations you see on the coffee table. He worked on them in preschool! Mattie was very prolific both at school and in the hospital. I tried hard to save many of his things. 

When we moved from our apartment into the house in 2021, I took many of Mattie's creations and made collages or placed items into shadow boxes. All of which are on display in my office. Can you see many of the items on the coffee table above, now framed on my wall? How did I know to save these things? After all, I had no idea Mattie was going to get cancer and die! Perhaps it is my sentimental nature, my attachment to people and things, or the simple notion that I knew these items marked developmental milestones for Mattie. What I do know is it NEVER crossed my mind back then that these items would become legacy pieces! It never dawned on me that Mattie would die before me.

Quote of the day: Anyway, it doesn't matter how much, how often, or how closely you keep an eye on things because you can't control it. Sometimes things and people just go. Just like that. ~ Cecelia Ahern

My dad's nurse came over this morning to assess the pressure sore on his back. This is another thing I am maintaining and managing daily! My dad has a sore that seems to heal and then weeks later it opens right back up! It is very frustrating for me. Fortunately for my dad, he can't see or feel it. Which is a blessing, because when my dad is aware of a skin issue, he scratches. His scratching is so intense that he typically causes infections. 

Once the nurse's visit was done, I drove my dad to his memory care center. Before going to the center, I reviewed with my dad some of the special activities they were doing today at the center! At 3:30pm, they were scheduled to have an ice cream social. So I specifically made a point to pick up my dad up at 4pm, so he could enjoy the social. When I picked him up at 4pm, my dad not only had NO recall of anything he did all day, but he had NO recollection of the ice cream social. I have told the staff that their calendar of activities is NO HELP to me or my dad, what I need is photo documentation. This is the only way I can have a meaningful dialogue with my dad, as I can use the photos to trigger memories of the day. This lack of recall puts my dad in a very vulnerable position! Which is why when he is in the hospital, I am always on guard because he is not aware of what's happening to him and certainly can't advocate for himself. 

While my dad was at the memory care center, I decided to keep this morning open in case I had to retrieve my mom's car, which has been getting serviced since Wednesday. I got all chores done yesterday like grocery shopping and picking up scripts at the pharmacy. But it turns out my mom's car won't be ready until next week. So that freed my morning up slightly. I spent two concentrated hours doing Foundation administrative work. Specifically putting together, printing out, and writing donation acknowledgment letters. Each December, Mattie Miracle runs its annual drive, which helps us raise additional funds for the operation of our programs. Within the past two weeks, I have processed over 70 letters. These 70 donors are steadfast supporters, and it is thanks to them, we have a Foundation 16 years later! When I tell them that they make the Mattie Miracles possible, I am NOT kidding. 

Given the amount of work I did today, along with caregiving, by mid-day, I started to develop a terrible migraine and felt nauseous. I knew at that point, I had to remove myself from the computer and my desk, change my scenery and take a migraine rescue medication. 

This was a photo of Sunny and me at Great Falls in Virginia. One of the parks Sunny absolutely LOVED. Tomorrow, January 10, marks the second anniversary of Sunny's death. I can't believe my boy has been gone for two years! He may not be physically with me, but whenever I see a dog walking with its owner, I THINK of Sunny. WHICH IS DAILY! Sunny's dog bed is still in our family room. Indie now uses it, but I can't forget the happiness and joy this special fellow brought to my life. He may have been a rescue, but he is the one who rescued me. 

Thursday, January 8, 2026

Thursday, January 8, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2005. Mattie was two and half years old and by that time, he LOVED bath time. Which was ironic because initially Mattie disliked the feeling of water on his skin. He went from hating it to loving it in a matter of two years. He loved it so much that I could drain the bath tub, and yet Mattie did not want to get out of it. I am not sure if Mattie liked the notion of bathing, or playing in water. My hunch is Mattie loved water play and that motivated him to bathe. I remember while filling up the tub with water, Mattie would pick out toys and throw them into the water, before he got in. Once in the water, he would create all sorts of play schemes and by the time he got out of the tub his little fingers were water logged! 

Quote of the day: As long as I can I will look at this world for both of us. As long as I can I will laugh with the birds, I will sing with the flowers, I will pray to the stars, for both of us. ~ Sascha

My dad is enrolled in a Medicare program that assigns a nursing team to his care. This team calls me monthly to check in and I literally can call them 24/7 if I have questions or concerns. So far, I can't tell if this program is helpful or purely annoying as it forces me to communicate with someone who doesn't know our circumstances and situation. Yet each month, I have to bring them up to speed. 

Any case, for two days, the nurse has tried calling me at 8am! When she called on Tuesday morning at 8am, I literally said to her..... YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING! I am juggling my dad and a thousand things in the morning. They never pre-arrange a call date and time. I have to fit into their agenda and Tuesday, I was not nice, I was not kind, I was annoyed. They then called me Wednesday morning, again at 8am! I did not answer the phone. I then called them back later in the morning. While talking with the nurse, she basically told me she was happy that the holidays were behind us. She did not go into much detail other than there is great pressure to create the perfect holiday, to cook/bake, and buy presents. All of which are overwhelming. I told her I understood, though our circumstances are quite different. 

Last night, I got into bed, and I couldn't sleep! I do get nights like this now since my separation. Anxiety, stress, and all sorts of emotions seem more raw at night. It is when the house is quiet and I am not pulled from one task to the other, but instead, I have time to feel and think! NEVER a good thing for me. Since I couldn't sleep, I watched Hallmark movies. I no longer get upset that I can't sleep, as it serves no purpose. 

The movie that caught my attention last night was titled, Single on the 25th! I am not sure this title would have even peaked my interest when I was married, but now I am intrigued by how single people manage and cope through the holidays! The movie opens up with the main character walking through the streets of Chicago. As she is walking, she is bombarded with photos and images of happy couples.... for example, she passes her local coffee house and it featured a billboard outside of a couple drinking a huge hot chocolate together. This main character then goes home and opens up her mailbox. She received countless holiday cards from friends featuring photos.... couples together, couples getting married, and couples having babies! So quickly you can see this character is overwhelmed with aloneness and it is evident that she feels different from everyone else! She then questioned.... is Christmas for couples only? 

Along the way this woman meets her next door neighbor, who is a confirmed bachelor. He can see she is struggling and befriends her in hopes that he can show her that being single is wonderful and though her family wasn't able to come and visit for Christmas, she should go ahead and attend all the events and activities she had planned to do with them, but do them alone. So while she is on a quest to find herself and appreciate who she is and what she brings to the world, she is in the process helping her confirmed bachelor neighbor question what it would be like to be in love and involved with someone. In essence, they are both on a quest, and as with any good Hallmark movie, these quests intersection and as I always say.... with Hallmark there are NO UNHAPPY endings! I have enough unhappiness in real life, I don't need to absorb it on the screen too! 

I think the content of this movie evoked so many feelings in me that instead of relaxing and being able to sleep, I remained up for several more hours after the movie was over. Like the main character in the movie, I too believe life is more meaningful, special, and worth living when you have someone to share it with! As Christmas 2025, the third Christmas I spent without my other half, is behind me, I wonder to myself.... will it ever get better? Will it ever get easier? I am not sure it ever will, because holidays are so much more than presents, trees, and good will. They are about shared experiences, memories, and the hope of many more of these moments together. So I face life alone and what's worse is in a way I am tortured by what I thought my life used to look and feel like, and it takes a lot of self discipline not to get fully consumed by these emotions. 

Wednesday, January 7, 2026

Wednesday, January 7, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2006! How on earth was this photo taken 20 years ago? I do not know how this is possible, especially when you think about 17 of those 20 years, Mattie was NOT even alive!!! Mattie was three and half years old in this photo. He was sitting on a rocking duck, something that survived through the generations, as Mattie's grandparents bought this duck in Holland, and their boys used it, and then their grandchildren used it! Since Mattie was the last one in the cousin line to be born, Mattie basically inherited this duck. To this day, this duck remains in my office! It is a reminder of this precious moment in time. 

Quote of the day: The life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living. ~ Marcus Tullius Cicero

If you read last night's blog, then you know I was scheduled to take my mom's car in for its annual service appointment today. No my mom no longer drives, but since this car came from California, it was my mom's car to begin with, I therefore refer to it as MY MOM'S CAR! The car matches her good taste, it is a classic! Unlike my car, which is very practical and now has over 103,000 miles on it! 

Dealing with my mom's car dealership sometimes takes my breath away! So much so that I have written several formal complaint letters to this dealership and the parent company! Mainly because the dealership could care less about the customer or making it easy for the customer to get a car serviced. Specifically I am referring to the fact that it is close to impossible for customer's to be given a loaner car when the car goes in for service. Service usually takes multiple days in the shop! Thankfully I own two cars, so we are never stranded, but since my separation/divorce, I have a great phobia about getting into a car with a stranger. Every time I go to this dealership, I have to take Uber to get back home or to return to pick up my car. I do it, but I am not happy about it. I have no one in my neighborhood who will help me! 

I drove my dad to his memory care center today in my car! Then I went back home, and jumped into my mom's car and drove it to the dealership, which is about 30 minutes away from home. Why didn't I just take my dad to his memory care center in my mom's car? Because my mom's car is a sports car, low to the ground and very difficult for my dad to get in and out of! Since he is recovering from back pain when hospitalized, I did not want him to have a set back by tweaking his back getting in or out of the car. So it was worth my driving back home to switch cars. 

When I arrived at the dealership, I met with the same representative who has helped us since 2021. However, I noticed a different feeling in the service department! Why? The dealership is under NEW management and new management has now arranged for customers to easily get a loaner car through an on-site rental company! I literally almost fell on the floor today when my representative said.... of course you can have a loaner car! That may sound like an inconsequential thing, but for me it turned my whole day around. 

However, here's the funny thing! It took me ten minutes to orient myself to the loaner car! New cars are filled with technology, bells and whistles, and different ways to start the car, adjust seats and mirrors, and turning on the radio was a show! Honestly watching me in this car could have been a sitcom in and of itself! The car is so smart, that it knows the speed limit in whatever area you are driving. If you go several MPH over the speed limit the car sets off an alarm! I swear I had NO IDEA what was ringing at me, until I saw on the screen the speed limit alarm flashing! All I know is the speed limit maybe one thing, but around my area if you drive the speed limit, you will cause an accident, as everyone moves way passed the limit. So I had the alarm ringing at me constantly and I really couldn't adjust the seat appropriately! I am too small for this car, but luckily could see over the dash board! 

It was a glorious weather day, close to 60 degrees, and things worked out with the car dealership! So to me, it was a good day, as I have learned to appreciate a day without a crisis. I savor these days! This afternoon, I took my mom out for tea. While I was on-line order our things, I could see a young woman sitting with two men. These men clearly had legal knowledge. They were talking loudly, so it was hard NOT to listen! They were trying to assist her. I quickly got up to speed, as she is separated from her spouse and she was talking about the chaos she is living with and the men sitting with her were trying to advise her. Mainly one of them kept saying to her.... given all that he has done, you want a divorce, right??? She wouldn't answer the question! To anyone else hearing this, I am sure the reaction would be..... What?? Get a divorce! But I understood this woman's position. When you love someone, devote your life to them, and think it is forever, it is very hard making a decision to dissolve such a union. But this is where the law and reality do not always match up. I felt for this woman today, because they were talking facts, and she was talking emotions! For this woman and all women facing a separation and divorce my heart goes out to them, as it is a huge life adjustment that permanently alters your future. 

Tuesday, January 6, 2026

Tuesday, January 6, 2026 -- Mattie died 827 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2006. Mattie was three and half years old and that day I brought in two homemade gingerbread houses to Mattie's preschool classroom. I wanted to do an activity with the children and Mattie's teacher asked if I would take on gingerbread houses! So I did! But keep in mind that I had NEVER made a gingerbread house from scratch in my life! So I first had to figure out how to bake gingerbread, construct houses, and make royal icing! When it came to Mattie.... I always found a way! That day, I brought in all sorts of candies and plenty of royal icing for the children. I can't tell you how much they loved this project! One student was stunned that royal icing was edible and it wasn't glue! Decorating the houses was a big hit and at the end of the event, we got to take them home! You can see Mattie with the finished product! Mattie was very happy that we came up with this creative project for his classroom, and actually the project was such a hit, that all the other preschool classrooms rotated into the room that day to also help decorate the houses!

Quote of the day: Grief is like a moving river, it's always changing. I would say in some ways it just gets worse. It's just that the more time that passes, the more you miss someone. ~ Michelle Williams

One of the zillion things that I manage now is car service and maintenance. Again, I never dealt with this throughout my married life! However, each December, I typically take my mom's car in for its annual service visit. But I had so much going on in December, especially with my dad's hospitalization, that I pushed this visit to January. Tomorrow, I am taking my mom's car in for service and I have to say that I absolutely hate this car dealership. It is a night and day experience from where I take my Ford. My Ford dealership makes service appointments super easy, as they pick up and drop the car off to my home. My mom's dealership is another story! 

Given that it was in the upper 40s today, I decided to wash off both cars and vacuum them. I refuse to take them to a car wash, for multiple reasons. Since both cars need service this January, I like to send the cars in for service cleaned! At first I was just going to do my mom's car, but then decided since I was outside and had everything out there with me, I might as well manage both cars. It took me close to three hours to clean the inside and outside of both cars and then I cleaned out all the leaves and debris that blew into the garage from the last wind storm. 

Once I was done with that, I came back inside to deal with laundry. I had promised I would take my parents out for frozen yogurt, so though it would have been nice to pause and regroup, I did not have the time. Even though it is cold outside, as long as it isn't snowing, I try to get my parents out of the house daily. It is good for both of them, as it gets them walking, seeing other people, and engaging with the world. For my dad this is crucial, because with Alzheimer's it is very easy for him to retreat into his own world. It takes great thought, energy, and determination to keep my dad active and absorbing things around him. If I spend much time thinking about it, his situation is quite depressing, as his mind is a complete blank to his former life and most of his current life for that matter. My dad doesn't remember any of the houses he used to live in, he has no recollection of living in California (where he lived for over 30 years!), my dad doesn't remember most of the people he used to work with, remembers nothing specific about friends, his own parents, his brother, and the list goes on. So now I am his memory and it is a daunting responsibility! When you move from your parents' child, to being the adult on duty and responsible for everyone, it is sobering.  

Monday, January 5, 2026

Monday, January 5, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2004. Mattie was a year and a half old and we were having a teachable moment. Mattie was like my shadow. If I was in one room, so we he, if I migrated to another room, he was right behind me. In this photo, Mattie wanted something that was on the counter. In the process of him trying to reach for the item, I was telling him that the stove was right next to the counter. The stove and oven were not on, but nonetheless, I wanted to teach Mattie that in the kitchen, you have to be aware of your surroundings, because some things are TOO hot to touch. The beauty of Mattie was once you explained something, it stuck! I never had to re-explain this danger again, he just naturally understood! 

Quote of the day: I only miss you when I’m breathing. ~ Jason Derulo

My dad may have Alzheimer's but there are some things that remain consistent. The one constant is his love for me and my mom! My dad may have forgotten his work history, where he lived, his friends and family, but he hasn't forgotten us. I believe this is the case because he lives with us, we are constantly present. Each morning, after I get myself ready, make breakfast, and clean up the first floor, I then go back upstairs and wake my dad up so we can start his morning shower and routine. Like clockwork, my dad will say something such as....... I like your sweater, or what a beautiful blouse, or you are a beautiful lady, or I love your necklace, where did you get it!? The kindness and comments are typical for my dad, that is just who he is, and fortunately in my dad's case, dementia hasn't changed his calm and loving personality. I say this because I am very aware that it could! For this I am grateful!

It was a three ring circus this morning, because I had to wake up extra early as the fellow helping me replace the burnt out humidifier system in the house was scheduled to come over between 8 and 8:30am. In order to be able to manage any repair visit, I always like to have my dad up, showered, and dressed beforehand, so that I am not distracted and running around the house. When my dad is in the shower or bathroom, he needs constant supervision, and therefore, it is worth the effort to get up early so I can manage my dad's safety and needs. 

Mid-day, my dad's memory care center sent me this photo! This is my dad with Juliet, the miniature horse that visited all the center's participants today. My understanding is that my dad really related to Juliet! This was interesting to me because my dad isn't really an animal person. He is certainly used to being around cats and dogs, as we had animals all my life, but my dad doesn't bond with animals like me. So the fact that my dad connected with Juliet today made me smile! In fact, tonight, I printed out this photo and will have it on display as a reminder of the cutie who visited the center today! I am in LOVE with horses, they are amazingly loving creatures, very sensitive to their riders, and there is nothing quite like riding a horse. It is pure freedom and the special feeling and connection of reading each other's cues in order to trot and canter are indescribable.  

Sunday, January 4, 2026

Sunday, January 4, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2005. Mattie was almost three years old and that day he was invited to a birthday party. Mattie's cousins were present and he enjoyed the time being part of the fun and took cues from his cousins, who were slightly older than him. Going to parties with Mattie always made me laugh, because while the other kids couldn't wait to eat the cake or cupcakes, that was Mattie's least favorite part of the event! It was quite typical for Mattie to get cake and then hand it over to me, because Mattie knew I loved all those treats! We were a great pair together, we were alike emotionally and we complemented each other well. So it is no surprise that when Mattie died, a part of me died too. 

Quote of the day: You happened, and absence never felt so real. ~ Perry Poetry

I am posting a photo of me and my maternal grandmother. I am posting it for a reason.... keep reading. My grandmother's name was Anne. This photo was taken when I was in college. The beauty of the 80s.... perms and big hair! By the time I was born, my grandmother was living with my parents. 

My grandmother's husband died of colon cancer when she was 55 years old. Back then health insurance was a rarity and so my grandmother had numerous medical bills to pay, a house with a mortgage, and she lived in the suburbs without a driver's license. Which was why my parents, who were newly weds themselves, moved into my grandmother's house to support her through the grieving process. Years later when I was born, I did not know any different.... I assumed all kids grew up in a multi-generational household. My grandmother was like a second mother to me and as I got older, I always heard that I changed my grandmother's life around. Meaning, she was devastated to lose her husband, but I gave her a new lease on life. Of course as a teenager, that really did not mean much to me.... NOW I get it wholeheartedly! My grandmother was a survivor.... as she lost her second child to sudden infant death and she lost her husband at a young age. All facts that were lost on me as a child, if my grandmother were alive now, I have no doubt she would have great insights for me about Mattie's death and my divorce.  

So why am I talking about my grandmother? Well this weekend, I wore this sweater. I can't tell you how many people stopped to admire this sweater! The photo doesn't do it justice, because it looks handmade, the colors are beautiful, and it is pure wool. A rarity today. But where did this sweater come from?

Well, I gave my grandmother this sweater as a Christmas present when I was a teenager. While in high school, I worked over the December holidays at a store called The Limited. As you can imagine stores always looked for extra help over the holidays and though I had no working experience prior to that (other than babysitting), I was hired. I think the store figured I would do the bear minimum and I imagine they did not have high expectations for me. Every new employee was required to work all the different jobs within the store. However, that never happened for me, because the store quickly learned that I was good at sales. Why? Because I engaged customers, I got to know them, what they were looking for, who they were buying for, and literally I would put ensembles together for customers that they would sell! Some customers would just like what I was wearing that day, and asked me to find those exact items within the store. My point to this is, I did such a good job, that I got a big bonus. With the bonus money, I took it and purchased this sweater. A sweater that became a favorite of my grandmother's! When my grandmother died, I kept this sweater! So though to the average person, this looks like a nice sweater, this sweater has history, it is surrounded by hard work and meaning, and most of all it is a tribute to the love between me and my grandmother. 

Each person who asked me about this sweater this weekend, heard the story I am telling you, and they were deeply touched. But perhaps this story also gives you further insight into me. I get attached to people, they become an integral part of my life, and when I lose someone (for whatever the reason) it is devastating. My grandmother has been gone 32 years, but her legacy lives on through me, as it is from her that I learned the art of cooking, cleaning, organizing, and most importantly caregiving! Anyone and everyone LOVED my grandmother. She was a sweet, kind, and loving soul, who I wish had the opportunity to get to know my Mattie. Though they did not meet each other on this earth, it is my hope that they found each other in heaven. I remember right after Mattie died, I worried.... who would be caring for him now? He needed his mom, he was only 7! That may not sound rational, but nothing about grieving is rational! Then I thought about my grandmother and I convinced myself, she would find Mattie and would look out for him in my absence. Amazing how one sweater could trigger SO MANY memories!

Saturday, January 3, 2026

Saturday, January 3, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2004. Mattie was a year and half old and I snapped this photo because Mattie had moments in which he was all business! Meaning he had an idea, a plan, and was going to find a way to execute on it! Mattie loved collecting cardboard boxes because he used them in his play schemes and created all sorts of things out of them, which was why when packages came in and we left the empty boxes by the front door, Mattie always quickly claimed them!

Quote of the day: Nothing that grieves us can be called little; by the external laws of proportion a child's loss of a doll and a king's loss of a crown are events of the same size. ~ Mark Twain

My focus today was to put away Christmas. I have been working on dismantling Christmas all week. I did a little bit at a time. But today, I dealt with the tree, lights, and all the ornaments and put them safely away. When I was married, a lot of the bigger Christmas items were kept in the storage area above the garage. But I do not like climbing up a ladder and accessing that space, so I have moved everything to the basement. The storage closet in the basement has always been very organized and well labeled, and I have kept up that system. I also re-organized the placement of the bins, because I put the heavier ones closer to the floor, so I am not killing myself each time I move them. One large bin practically fell on me in December, so I decided to rectify that problem!

This afternoon, I took my parents to our local diner. This is our Saturday tradition. This diner treats us so well and everyone there looks out for my parents! Literally when we walk in, if there is a wait to get a table, the staff run to get chairs for my parents to sit and wait. Last week, my dad was eyeing one of the diner's nutcrackers. My dad liked it so much that he wanted to take it home. I told him he couldn't do that, as it belonged to the diner. Guess what? The manager gift wrapped it and gave it to my dad today! So now this cutie will be part of our annual Christmas decorations. 

I mention this because kindness, caring, and unexpected surprises I find make life worth living! 

Friday, January 2, 2026

Friday, January 2, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2003. Mattie was nine months old and he was fully ON! Though walkers were not recommended for children and their development in 2003, I felt in Mattie's case it would be a God send. I was absolutely correct. Mattie did not like sitting down, he never crawled, and even at a few months old he wanted to walk and move around. The walker gave Mattie the independence he craved and he literally would zoom around the first floor of our home following me around. Look at that smile! That said it all.... Mattie had a strong willed personality, and in many ways he challenged me beyond measure, which is why I always credit Mattie for being my life's greatest teacher!

Quote of the day: There’s honor in such a well-lived life…there’s healing in remembering…there’s hope in knowing love goes on forever. ~ Diana Manning

This photo display popped up in my email inbox today. These photos were taken in 2005! Truly when photos show up on my screen, I never know what I am going to see or what memories I am going to be reliving. What I do know is photos DO NOT LIE! I know what our family looked like, I know about the love and commitment we shared, and the life we built together over 35 years. Of which of course Mattie was an important part. Mattie was only on this earth for 7 years, but we packed a lot of things into a short period time together, and through this blog and my work with Mattie Miracle..... Mattie will NEVER die!

These photos were all taken at my former in-laws home. I shared them with my former mother-in-law today and we both commented..... these were happy times together. I know it, she knows it, and that is what counts.   

As I mentioned yesterday, I have a friend who asked me about my three wishes for 2026. I discussed that last night, but this morning, she went on to ask me to reflect on three things I am grateful for today. Keep in mind when we talk about what we are grateful for, we aren't talking about big things. Instead, we try to find gratitude even in the smallest joys and gestures of our day. In fact, she sent me a video on gratitude and the presenter was talking about the benefits of reflecting on the positives and how these positives can help to override our negativity bias. What do I think of that? I think it is an interesting notion, but I also think that this notion is judgmental and negates the crises, feelings, and thoughts that drown us. That said, though I do not believe positivity and gratitude help to balance out the negative, I do agree that reflecting on other things besides negativity, sadness, and grief, are important for the brain. It is almost like we are exercising a different muscle of the mind, that helps us see our world more holistically.  

So here's what I came up with for today:

1. Grateful that my dad is out of the hospital and stable. This morning my dad had a PT session at home. I got to see my dad working hard and truly trying to do everything asked of him. I was proud of him and I told the therapist.... we have already proved the hospital WRONG about my dad's abilities! 
2. Grateful to have a clean and organized house, and that I can work hard to maintain the house! Organization and details are important to me. Having this stability and structure makes me feel in control and safe. You may recall that I mentioned a few days ago that I have a leak in the basement. Paul, who helps me with my heating and air systems in the house, came over this morning and diagnosed the problem. He will return on Monday to fix the problem. 
3. Grateful that I have the physical strength and capabilities to take on many projects around the house. I have been working hard at putting Christmas away and I am almost there! But this also requires organization and lifting and storing heavy bins in our utility closet. Later in the day, I went outside to deal with all the big tree limbs that fell from our latest wind storms and put them into trash receptacles. While outside, a neighbor saw me, and he came over to help me break apart the very big limbs. Always grateful for help!

Thursday, January 1, 2026

Thursday, January 1, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2003. Mattie was 9 months old and look at that smile! Mattie was on the floor, surrounded by all his toys and to me he looked like the picture of health, joy, and happiness. I will never forget these moments, no matter how many years go by, they are etched in my mind and heart. 

Quote of the day: When we lose people we love , we don’t mourn the past — we mourn un-lived tomorrows. We mourn the loss of people who knew us thoroughly and loved us anyway, and future memories that will never be made. ~ James Russell Lingerfelt

A friend wrote to me today, wishing me a happy New Year, and asking about resolutions or better yet my three wishes for 2026! Why on earth do we all set ourselves up each January 1st, with unrealistic hopes, expectations, wishes, or resolutions? Are we conditioned to do this, and if so, where does this conditioning come from? 

What I do know is that research shows that 80% of resolutions are abandoned by people within the first month. There are many reasons for this abandonment, such as: (1) unrealistic goals (e.g., I want to be healthier, but without having specific and actionable steps to achieve this goal), (2) resolutions based on all-or- nothing thinking (e.g., you missed one workout, and therefore you failed), (3) resolutions are based on external pressure rather than on something that resonates internally with you, or (4) a lack of a support system to help you achieve your goals. 

Now that said, I am not suggesting we should abandon all goals. Goals are important, they give us focus, they challenge us, and in the process they can help us grow, mature, and connect more meaningfully with people. But I think when you are talking to a full-time caregiver, one has to be cognizant that resolutions, wishes, and goals may look differently for us. The freedoms most people have in their lives, doesn't exist for the family caregiver. We can't do anything without a great deal of thought and preparation because of our responsibilities. Every part of my life is dictated by caregiving, even down to when I wake up or go to sleep at night. 

So when asked today what my three wishes are for 2026..... my response was....I had none! My friend then tried to generate wishes for me. Certainly I appreciated the effort and the hope, but what I have learned from Mattie's cancer, death, my divorce, and full-time support of my parents is that YOU CAN WANT AND WISH FOR MANY THINGS, but at the end of the day, WE ARE NOT IN CONTROL OF OUR LIVES, THE OUTCOME, or our destination. The only thing we DO CONTROL is our reaction to what comes our way. Therefore if I had to make a resolution or a wish, words I do not care for, it would be to have the faith and confidence in myself to find a way forward through 2026. For the past two years, I have been like the phoenix rising from the ashes, I faced so many impossible situations and crises alone. Therefore, my New Year's mantra will be faith, strength, confidence and continual pursuit of looking for glimmers of hope! 

Wednesday, December 31, 2025

Wednesday, December 31, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2007. We spent that Christmas in Florida with my parents. We decided to go on a fan boat ride that day! It is something I will never forget, including the alligators that were swimming around the boat. Mattie thought the whole thing was fascinating and he wasn't scared one bit! This wasn't the fan boat we went on, instead the company had several older models on display for the kids to explore. Sure enough Captain Mattie climbed aboard! Mattie LOVED boats, all kinds, and was happy to tell anyone who listened that he was saving money in his piggie bank to buy a REAL boat someday! Unfortunately that someday never came.

Quote of the day: There’s no such thing as “moving on.” We go forward, trying to find our footing, figuring out how to live—how to love—after such loss. ~ Amy Trowbridge-Yates

Every morning, I go into the basement and clean out Indie's two litter boxes. On an aside, I think I finally have solved the problem of her pooping on the floor. It only took me like 6 months. But having two litter boxes and changing the litter weekly seems to be the key! She was never this finicky before, but I guess as we all age, we have preferences! But the vet was correct... she needed two boxes, not one!

Any case, while in the basement, I went to check on the salt supply in that white bin, that supplies our water softening system for the house. I dump 40 pounds of salt into this bin about every three months. YES I can lift 40 pounds alone! When I opened the door, what I was greeted with was a flood on the floor. Water was coming out of the house's steam humidifier system. Truly I was ready to have a hissy fit, but I took a deep breath, cleaned up the flood, dried out the area and then text messaged my HVAC specialist! I literally have the cell phone numbers for practically everyone who helps me with my house. Thankfully, because once I was separated in 2023, I was totally on my own. I had to figure out everything from the ground up, and had little to no prior knowledge on how anything in the house worked! 

I had planned to take my parents out for a nice New Year's Eve lunch today. Something they love doing...... is going out to eat, and they love this French restaurant in Great Falls, VA. This restaurant holds many special memories, as I used to celebrate my wedding anniversary and birthday here.

I was hoping we would have a peaceful lunch, as my dad had two irritable bowel syndrome bouts at home. I figured VERY wrong! 

When our entrees came, my dad had a large bout at the table. I had to get him to the bathroom, clean him up and change his clothes. Truly after that, I am not sure how I came back to the table and ate, but I did! When I think about the quality of my life, I truly do not know how I manage from one day to the next. A new year brings me no joy either, as it is another year I face alone, not being married, not having Mattie by my side, and none of this brings me happiness. 

My dad having his onion soup.... a favorite of his, not to mention consuming bread! For a man with multiple health issues.... he looks pretty good. The fact that I can still take my parents out, I celebrate that notion. 

When I was packing up to leave the restaurant, the wait staff wanted to help me. Why? Because I had a cushion for my dad, two seat cushions for my mom, a tote bag full of supplies, and a bag of food items that my dad did not eat. They didn't think I could manage it on my own! I laughed, and told them.... don't worry I am a sherpa! When they saw me juggling all these items, my mom attached to one of my arms, and me helping my dad with his walker, they couldn't get over it! Yep... this is my existence, an existence that I never thought I would be managing alone.