Sunday, December 7, 2025

Sunday, December 7, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2003. Mattie was a year and a half old and that Christmas we took him to Los Angeles to celebrate the holidays with my parents. My parents had grapefruit, orange, and lemon trees in their backyard. In typical Farmer Brown fashion, Mattie loved picking fruit. But it wasn't only about the picking, it was about sorting, stacking, and carrying the fruit around. It was a wonderful learning lesson that took place in the open air, as we learned about growing fruit, harvesting the fruit, and counting and sorting the fruit! How I miss those simpler days. 

Quote of the day: Whenever I miss you, I look at my heart. Because it’s the only place I can find you. ~ Unknown

Saturday was NOT a good day. I knew I couldn't leave my dad in the emergency room alone and handle bein admitted to the hospital without my support. We arrived at the ER at 7pm on Saturday and my dad did not get admitted to the hospital until 3:30am. Thankfully I stayed because at 3:30am, the nurse needed to do an intake on my dad and he would have been clueless. My dad still has no idea why he is in the hospital, what happened, or any information about himself including the medications he takes on a daily basis. By 5:30am, I had it, I had to drive home with my mom. 

When we got home, for Indie, it was the start of the day, so she was mobilized and I managed her, the laundry, and other chores. By 7am, I had to lie down, and I slept until 10am. At 10am, my mom was moving about and making a ton of noise. By the time we arrived at the hospital today, my dad was in a panic. He wanted to know where we were and why we haven't been with him all this time. I had to remind him that I was at the hospital for over ten hours on Saturday! He had NO RECOLLECTION. In fact, when we arrived, my dad was very disoriented and thought he was in a hotel. After about 30-40 minutes of talking to him, he stabilized a bit. 

But it was a challenging day as more tests were run on him. That may not sound hard, but for a 90 year old with osteoarthritis, any movement is like hell on earth. He has been transferred to so many scanning tables, that now he has severe back pain. It is so bad that he can't lift his arms and he is screaming in pain. His brain bleed appears to be stable, and now I will have to add a neurologist to our specialist list. Lucky me! My life is filled with juggling doctors and issues. From a hospital stand point, my dad looks stable. I know tomorrow the pressure will be on to discharge him because medically there is nothing they can do for him. The issue is he can't stand, walk, or do anything independently. I started this dialogue tonight with the hospitalist, but tomorrow will be key. The problem is I can't be there in the morning, as I have my mammogram scheduled, and some things I just WON'T reschedule, as I have to keep myself healthy in order to be able to help my parents. 

Later tonight, the doctor ordered a back x-ray for my dad because she wanted to make sure she hadn't missed something regarding his pain. A transporter came to get my dad from the room. Watching them transfer my dad from his bed to the transport bed was painful as he was screaming the whole time and frightened. Typically I go down to the x-ray area with him, but today I was too tired. Big mistake. He was transported down, and then left in a waiting area with other patients all around him. He waited there for over two hours! I think during that time, he worked himself up into a silly, was scared, angry, and thought that the man who transported him to the x-ray area died. Which did not happen, but with moderate stage dementia, connecting the dots isn't straightforward but zig zag! By the time my dad got back to the room, he was in a state! He was so hysterical and was convinced he had something gravely wrong with him. At which point, I literally gave him a lecture. I reminded him that Mattie was 7, had cancer, was dying, and in many ways was a MUCH better patient than my dad. Well talking about Mattie and Mattie's experiences was like a trigger for my dad. A switch in his brain flipped and he became more rational! The power of Mattie Brown. 

We spent six hours in the hospital and when I got home, I was surprised by my friend Carolyn. She left me goodies and Christmas gifts. When I am stressed out, I turn to sugar, so several of these tasty treats have already been consumed. 

On another note, speaking of sugar, my dad's nurse was giving me a lecture today about my dad's sugar levels. Seriously I was having NONE OF IT! I told her.... he is 90! If he wants a cookie or treat, he is going to get it! To me life without sugar isn't worth living and I do not believe in denying a 90 year old, if this is going to make him happy! 

After a long two days, it is so special to be reminded that I matter and I deserve so much more than I have been dished out. 

Saturday, December 6, 2025

It is 1:30am and I have been in the emergency room with my dad since 7pm. When he woke up this morning I knew something was wrong as he asked me for a tape measure while he was still in bed. Why? Because he thought he was moving and had to measure his bed. His confusion, disorientation and weakness continued throughout the day! I knew I had to do something. I called his cardiologist who suggested I go to urgent care to check his electrolytes since he started a diuretic! 

Note to self…. skip urgent care with a 90 year old! They can’t do testing and get same day blood test results. So I took my parents to the hospital as I didn’t know what I was dealing with and in his weakened state he could fall and injure himself. 

We got the A team in the ER! I love the doctor! My dad is dealing with an infection of some sort and a small brain bleed. I met with the neurosurgeon team and for now they are watching the bleed with the hope it clots up and doesn’t expand. We await another ct scan in six hours. But they wanted to know what I elected to do if the bleed expands and I’m not present! I said, I would want him to be operated on otherwise he would die or be incapacitated.

I’m worn out, still in the ER and awaiting admission! I just can’t leave my dad as he’s super confused, can’t answer questions or advocate for himself! As a recap, this is my dad’s third hospital admission this year! Even before I got to the hospital today, I was exhausted! Now there isn’t a word in the English language for my current state! 

Friday, December 5, 2025

Friday, December 5, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2002. Mattie was 8 months old and we were excited as this was his first Christmas. I wanted to get a photo of Mattie with our tree and I figured the only way that would happen was with him sitting in his high chair. Mattie disliked sitting still and he wasn't a fan of the whole high chair notion. Which was why early on I used to fed Mattie while he was sitting in his car seat. He loved that car seat. I do not know what I would have done without it, because the only way I could get Mattie to sleep at night was by strapping him into the car seat and then placing the seat in his crib! Desperate times called for desperate measures. 

Quote of the day: Tonight, I look up, searching for you among the stars. ~ Tilicia Haridat

When I was not caregiving and running chores today, I was decorating the house for Christmas. Somehow decorating is a full time job! Thankfully all the Christmas things are labeled and organized in the basement, otherwise, I would be at this for weeks. When Mattie died in 2009, I stopped decorating for Christmas. My world came to a crashing halt and the spirit and joy of the holidays also died. I began to decorate again in 2021, when my parents moved in with us. So that is 12 years without decorating. If it were just me, I wouldn't be decorating, but I do it for my parents, as it helps to orient them to the season, and it also provides a bit of a festive nature to our home. 

I absolutely love this reindeer. I almost forgot about him, until I went into the garage storage area yesterday and found him. We used to display him outside, but I think he looks great in the front hallway!

When in the garage yesterday and rummaging through the overhead storage space, I found two bins. I had no idea what was in them. When I opened them, I found all my mom's Christmas floral decorations that she had in California. I used to love them, but I forgot all about them until yesterday! I am thrilled to have her Christmas roses on my table! 

Can you see the plastic Santas? They were mine when I was a child! I can recall playing with them when I was Mattie's age. I LOVED them! My mom saved them for me. To me they represent a different Vicki, and a different life. 

My front hallway. The reindeer candle holders were given to me by my former mother-in-law and the green tree candles are my mom's. The sleigh was something I bought years ago at an antique store. My point is..... everything I have, has a story associated with it! 

I was recently given this poinsettia as a gift. So today, I placed it in one of the sleighs I have and made it into my island centerpiece. 

My mom got this tree years ago in Los Angeles. A clothing store called Coldwater Creek was going out of business and they were selling off their displays. She bought this cute tree and if you see it in person, it almost looks real. I got the lights on it today and tomorrow I will place ornaments on it!

Do you see the stained glass Christmas Tree? This was a gift from my former mother-in-law. She used to have this tree on display in the room I stayed in at her house. When I moved into my house, she gave me the tree. I display it every year and it symbolizes a better time in my life. 

Meet Charlie Brown! This is the name I have given this tree. I found this artificial tree in our garage storage area. We used to display it outside. I decided to use it inside and I have been having a heck of a time putting it together. It most definitely does NOT look like the beautiful real trees we used to have, but I am determined to make this tree work. I got the lights on it tonight and will work on decorating it tomorrow. 

I have been working hard today to add Christmas color to our home. I will continue on this journey this weekend, but I made great progress today. My dad is enjoying seeing all the decorations, so if nothing else, this makes it worth it.  

Thursday, December 4, 2025

Thursday, December 4, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2002. Mattie was 8 months old and it was his first Christmas. I was excited to try to capture "the perfect" photo of Mattie for the front of our holiday card. It began to snow, and literally we set up a photo shoot on our front deck. Mattie had no idea what was going on and I can't tell you how many photos we took that afternoon! This was one of them! It wasn't what was featured on the card, but nonetheless it was PRECIOUS! 

Quote of the day: They say that time heals all wounds but all it’s done so far is give me more time to think about how much I miss you. ~ Elizabeth Wilder

It has been a very long day for me. It is 11pm, and I just sat down to write the blog. Can you see the visitor to my door!? This time of year, the deer just LOVE eating my roses!

After Sunny died in January of 2024, I bought two "Sunny" hibiscus plants in his memory. I nurture these plants and take them in for the winter. They are hardy plants because to come inside, I literally transplant them from my big clay pots to these plastic pots. As you can see, they are happy and blooming! Seeing these flowers somehow reminds me of my beautiful Sunny and the incredible life he brought to my daily existence. 

What is this? Try last year's poinsettia! Last year (just like this year), I bought my poinsettias at Lowe's. Historically I have never been able to grow a poinsettia past Christmas. Some people can, I know my Grandmother could, but mine typically die. Well that is until I met this one! They say you need to put the plant in a dark room in the fall for the plant to re-produce red leaves. I did not do this, and look at it.... it is turning red. 

It was a whirlwind of a day with conference calls and other chores. I am desperately trying to decorate for Christmas, but there is ONLY one of me and I can do so much. Today, I decided to pull out the big ladder and go into our garage overhead storage area. This is where so many of our Christmas decorations have been stored for years. Since I did not put these things up there, I had no idea what was actually there. Today I decided to address that and see what was useable. My mom has wanted a Christmas tree, so I was motivated to search our storage areas! I do not plan on getting a real tree. I just don't have the energy or strength for that and I am NOT buying an artificial tree. Mainly because I have two small artificial trees already and I suspected we had a bigger one in the garage storage area. In 2022, we decorated the top of our outdoor portico with an artificial tree. I have been looking high and low for that tree, and today I found it in the garage. That tree has caused me more problems today! I have a feeling the tree came pre-lit. But many of the lights were no longer working, so I decided to remove these lights from the tree. GOD HELP ME! It was like trying to detangle and disassemble an octopus! It took me about three hours to do this and at one point I was ready to take a scissor to the lights. I didn't! But after three hours of work with these convoluted lights, I threw them in the garbage and will string new lights on the tree. At the moment, the tree looks like Charlie Brown's Christmas tree. It is my hope after rearranging the branches and decorating it, I can transform it. IN MY SPARE TIME!

On Friday, our region has a threat of snow. The Washington, DC area has no concept on how to deal with snow. It causes sheer panic. Given that Friday's are my grocery days, I was concerned I wouldn't be able to go out tomorrow and get the things we need. So after I got my parents settled at 4pm, I went out! I typically don't leave the house after 4pm any more. Today was an anomaly and here's the funny thing, a ton of people were out and about. My life is regulated by caregiving, and when I am home, I am isolated from the world and what the world is doing. So going out and running chores this afternoon was a different experience for me. 

When I arrived at the grocery store, look what greeted me in the parking lot.... a BIG SUPER MOON! I take all my Mattie signs that come my way, and I needed that boost of support this afternoon. 

Here's another thing about shopping after 4pm, everyone in the store is like me..... all business and moving like the wind. One of my other stops while out was going to the bank. I have a devoted supporter who sends the Foundation funds through Western Union. The only way to deposit such a check is by actually going into the bank. This supporter is actually one of our very first donors and she contributes religiously over these last sixteen years. She also happens to be a former student of mine. I am deeply touched that she supports something I am so passionate about and I would like to think that our time together at the University was so meaningful that she has never forgotten me. Needless to say, whenever I see her check arrive, it transports me back in time, to when I thought my career, life, and future was going to look SO SO different. 

When I got back home, I had to put groceries away, deal with laundry, the mail, and cook, serve and clean up dinner. Some days I wonder..... when am I going to collapse? 

See Charlie Brown? I will see what I can do with it! I decided to place the tree in our family room, because this is where we spend the most time and I want my dad to be able to see the tree. In order to put the tree in this location, I had to move Sunny's dog bed. Yes he has been gone for almost two years, but his bed remains. In fact, Indie loves it! After Christmas, the bed is coming back to its rightful place. The funny story about Sunny's bed, is when we moved into our house in August of 2021, the second floor's air conditioning system died. It was so hot, that we slept in the family room. So I spent my first night in the house sleeping on the dog bed. Funny story, no? 

Wednesday, December 3, 2025

Wednesday, December 3, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2003. Mattie was a year and half old and we were headed to celebrate Christmas in Los Angeles with my parents. Mattie, unlike me, LOVED to fly! In fact, he was all about adventure and exploring new things. Mattie pushed me out of my comfort zone in many ways and seeing the world through his eyes was perhaps one of the greatest gifts I have ever received. Keeping Mattie entertained on a five hour flight wasn't easy, as he wasn't a napper. I traveled with a bag of toys, books, and hot wheel cars. I had so many things with me, that on a few flights, other children around me borrowed our items! 

Quote of the day: The world is very quiet without you around. ~ Lemony Snicket

Today felt like a whirlwind! Once I dropped my dad off at his memory care center, I drove my very full and packed car with candy and snacks to the National Institutes of Health (NIH) in Bethesda, MD. Though Bethesda isn't geographically that far from me, with traffic, it took my over an hour to get there. Literally at one point, I wasn't moving on the beltway! When I tell you I was driving around town for over three hours, I am not exaggerating and every location I went to, I faced bumper to bumper traffic. 

Doing a Foundation donation at NIH is no easy feat, because you just can't waltz onto campus. You and all the contents in your car have to be screened. Which I need to account for whenever I make an appointment there.... as all of this takes time! From Bethesda, I then got back on the beltway and headed to the Foundation's post office in Arlington, VA. Again, I ran into a lot of traffic. But the Foundation's holiday mailers were ready to go and I like bringing them to the post office where our PO Box exists, as the postal employees know me well! When I got to the post office, I had them reweigh my envelopes, because with my luck, I would have put the wrong postage on the envelopes and then hundreds of envelopes would be returned to me for MORE postage. Any case, they alleviated my fears and now all the envelopes are out of my hands. Which is a great feeling of accomplishment, especially since I manage this whole mailing myself now. 

But here is what I noticed today! I may have been driving for three hours and in non-stop traffic, but I did not get overwhelmed or annoyed. In fact, I found being away from my usual routine was therapeutic. I had the radio on and for that moment of time, I felt productive, and took a pause from what is usually running around in my mind. To drive from Bethesda to Arlington, I landed up driving on the George Washington Parkway. This is a road I absolutely love, because it is tree lined, has no commercial nonsense around it, and it has beautiful views of the Potomac River and Georgetown (where Mattie's hospital was located!). In fact, the first time I visited Washington, DC in the 1990s, I traversed this parkway. I will never forget how in awe I was of this road, and that special feeling, remains with me today. Decades have gone by, but feelings for me always remain. I may not have a memory for specifics or facts, but my brain is like a steel trap regarding feelings. 

Tuesday, December 2, 2025

Tuesday, December 2, 2025 -- Mattie died 822 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2002. Mattie was 8 months old. It was our first snowfall for the season, but for Mattie it was the very first time he saw snow. I opened the front door of our home in the city and literally Mattie stopped in his tracks! He was fascinated by what he was seeing. To me this will always be a priceless photo, because life with Mattie was never boring! Seeing the world through his eyes was magical. 

Quote of the day: No matter how far we travel, the memories will follow in the baggage car. ~ August Strindberg

It was pouring this morning and everyone was moving slower in my house. But despite being exhausted, I had to get it together because my dad had his six month cardiology appointment. I continue to be concerned with my dad's breathing! Just moving from one place to another, his breathing is labored. Sometimes he even sounds like he is wheezing. So this was what I discussed today in his appointment. The doctor could hear fluid in his lungs, felt his ankles were swollen despite wearing compression socks, and in six months time, he has gained 10 pounds. The doctor feels that this weight is from fluid build up! Therefore, my dad will be starting a diuretic this week. I actually hate adding medication to his mix, as he is so sensitive and typically gets a bad reaction to everything he takes, but I understand the stress this extra fluid is placing on his heart. 

I have been working on the Foundation's December mass mailing for weeks now. It takes a lot of coordination to order the materials, get things printed out, print out labels (which drives me crazy every year), and stuff and assemble hundreds of envelopes. As of tonight, it is done, and I will drop this off at the post office tomorrow. 

I also loaded my car with candy and snack items. I am driving this bunch to the National Institutes of Health in Bethesda, MD tomorrow. This may not look like a lot of work, but I assure you processing all these donations, sorting them, carrying them, and delivering them isn't easy. In fact, as I was carrying these items through my house today to the car, I was saying in my head.... HOW IS IT THAT I AM DOING THIS ALONE? Where is my other half in all of this? I do not have the best spatial relations, but somehow I got it all in the car and ready to go tomorrow morning after I drop my dad off!

Monday, December 1, 2025

Monday, December 1, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2006. Mattie was four years old and I know exactly what was happening here! I was trying to get Mattie to pose for a Christmas photo to be featured on our family holiday card. From the moment Mattie was born, that cute face was shared with family and friends during the  holidays. I used to have friends who would say to me.... why aren't all three of you on the front of the card? There really was no answer other than Mattie was our world, and therefore it was Mattie and his yearly development that I wanted to feature on our cards. When Mattie was younger, it was a feat to capture a photo of him! As he got older, Mattie understood what I was doing, but that did not mean he loved posing for photos! I know the look you see here very well.... it was the look of.... okay I am complying with your request, but I really do not want to be standing still and doing this! By this point in Mattie's development, it was very visually clear whose son he was.... he was the spitting image of me. 

Quote of the day: They said: ‘Write the longest sentence you know.’ I wrote: ‘A life without you.' ~ Cameron Lincoln

 

This morning, after I dropped my dad off at his memory care center and my mom completed her physical therapy session, I decided to call our local Social Security office. My mom got something in the mail that needed clarification. So I contacted our local office and went through the process answering all the questions and then waited on hold for over 50 minutes. Literally I got a lot accomplished while on hold. Then a representative came live and we started chatting. A lovely woman, but do you know the policy is that they are NOT allowed to talk to you for more than FIVE MINUTES? After five minutes, they have to move onto the next customer. I am not making this up! So I waited over 50 minutes, but couldn't talk for more than 5! If you need more support after the five minutes, you are required to make a face to face appointment. Thankfully she provided me with enough information, so I could connect the dots on the issue. As my mom stated today... how many people can wait 50 minutes in any given day to talk to a live person? I don't know, but I suspect if you need answers, you DO THE WAITING!

Later on in the day, I took my mom out for tea. We go out to the same store every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday when my dad is at his memory care program. I find with trauma and grief, structure and the familiar are crucial. But it gives us time away from the house, time to regroup, to be around other people, and to try to put our hurt and pain on a shelf for an hour or two. While we were having tea, I was watching a man outside in the cold pacing back and forth. He caught my attention. Minutes later he came into the store and sat next to us, eating something he brought into the store. It did not take me long to connect the dots that he was homeless. When my mom got up to go to the restroom, he started talking to me. I don't care who you are.... rich, poor, or homeless, if you talk to me, I will respond to you. Now that I am divorced and juggling so many crises, I feel like I have a much better appreciation for the man who sat next to me. I am fortunate that I have my parents, because my life would have looked very different without them. So when this man started telling me he was homeless and needed help, I paused. Typically I only support non-profits who help vulnerable people like this man, but today, I took money out of my wallet and gave it to him. I told him I would be thinking of him during this Christmas season and that I hoped he would take care of himself. 

I can't tell you how appreciative this man was, his eyes lit up, he smiled, and said that my kindness meant a great deal to him. Of course I have no idea what he will do with the money. But truly that doesn't matter, what mattered to me was that he felt like there was someone in the world who had the hope for him that things would get better. This man, his beautiful blue eyes, and his appreciation maybe one of the greatest Christmas gifts I received this season. I have always felt, my entire life, that the best gifts are not received, but instead given to others.  

Sunday, November 30, 2025

Sunday, November 30, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2006. We took Mattie to the US Botanical Gardens in Washington, DC. This was a winter tradition! There is something magical about walking into these warm gardens when it is freezing outside. We also loved how they decorated for the holidays. The Gardens feature miniature National landmarks made out of plant material. Mattie and I posed in front of the Capitol Building. These were happier times, when I had NO personal experience with childhood cancer, child loss, or divorce. 

Quote of the day: I don’t know what they are called, the spaces between seconds — but I think of you always in those intervals. ~ Salvador Plascencia

Yesterday, I brought up a folding table from the basement, and started the assembly line process for the Foundation's mass mailing. I have to say even doing this task brings up memories and reminds me of who is missing. I am doing this important mailing alone and carrying on Mattie's legacy alone. It is a very sobering process and the whole thing plays tricks on my mind, because if I did not have photos (things that are concrete and tangible) it would be very easy to think that my last 35 years were either lived by someone else or never happened. That said, I am determined to keep Mattie's legacy alive and given that I always did the majority of the actual Foundation work, it really isn't that much of a change for me. It is more of an emotional hit and sometimes those losses run very deep. 

This afternoon, I took my parents back to the restaurant we had our Thanksgiving meal. If you read Thursday's blog posting, then you know we left the restaurant very upset. Why? Because when I left my parents at the table, so I could move the car to the front of the restaurant, another server came up to my mom and she reports that he said to her that they were taking up space, people were waiting for our table, and they had to move. My mom was very hurt by this comment and given her form of dementia, when she is hurt, she will repeat such issues constantly. Try on the hour, since Thursday. She was so upset, she did not want to return to this restaurant today. 

On Thanksgiving, I wrote a formal letter to the general manager of the restaurant. I reported that issue and other problems we had that night. However, today I was determined to confront this server and get down to the bottom of the issue. Which is exactly what I did! Could I have left it alone? Sure, but this is a place we dine at weekly, and therefore, I feel airing issues is much better then leaving them unaddressed. I spoke to one of the managers first, who then called over the server and we all talked together. Here's the bottom line..... the server was mortified that my mom interpreted what he said to her in the way that she did. We all agreed that the restaurant was super busy, filled with many diners, and that there was great pressure on the wait staff. Since I wasn't present for the dialogue he had with my mom, I can't determine where the truth lies. But he did the professional thing and spoke with my mom and apologized that he made her feel hurt and unwelcomed. He handled it well and this once again reminded me that it is very easy to misinterpret messages and conversations we have with others, which is why it is imperative to seek clarity and share feelings. By having this open dialogue, my mom felt better and ultimately that was my bottom line.  

Saturday, November 29, 2025

Saturday, November 29, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken on Thanksgiving of 2006. Mattie was four years old and that November my parents came to visit from California. Back then, our lives were so naive. Naive to the fact that children get cancer and die. It is hard to believe that only two years after this photo was taken, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer and three years after this photo was taken, Mattie died.

Quote of the day: And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation. ~ Khalil Gibran

Something woke me up at 3am. I was having a disturbing dream, but like so many of my dream, I do not remember the content, just the feelings they evoke. I have no idea when I finally fell back asleep, but getting up this morning wasn't easy. I am chronically exhausted, so much so that not one, two, or three nights of sleep will help. It will take me years to recover from such intense caregiving. 

My dad's physical therapist was coming over this morning, so I had to make sure he was up, showered, dressed, and had breakfast before 11am. In order to make that happen, I had to get up at 7am. While he was having his session, I decided to get up the courage to go to my computer and figure out how to create mailing labels from an excel spreadsheet. I face this issue every Fall, when I have to scrub our Foundation database and generate mailing labels for our December mass mailing to supporters. Keep in mind that prior to my divorce I NEVER did this, I may have maintained the database, but I never had to worry about printing out mailing labels. You might say, how hard can it be? Well the answer for me is HARD. 

I remember in 2023, when I had to figure this out, I thought I was going to collapse in fear. However, thank goodness for video tutorials and Google! I was able to figure it out in 2023 and 2024. But today, though following the same directions that I saved, I couldn't get my database into mailing label format! It is moments like these that I want to scream, give up, and I feel like I am drowning in a sea of fear. But I rationalized with myself. I figured if I was able to do this two years in a row, I will find a way to figure it out today! I came across a wonderful, simple tutorial by an English man! I literally had his video open and followed it step by step, pausing what he was saying in order to mechanically follow along. Voila.... the labels are now printed. It is the many little things about being divorced that add up to Mt. Everest for me. I miss every aspect of being married and naturally even though I have faced life alone for two years now, I continue to ponder.... how is it possible to leave me?

On another note, one of the movies I used to love at this time of year is, It's a Wonderful Life. In fact, my other half introduced me to it, as I never saw this movie until I was married! Remarkable, no? As it is a classic and I grew up watching countless classics. But this Jimmy Stewart movie transcends time, because of its powerful human message. 

I posted the last 8 minutes of the movie below. Basically the movie's main character is a man named George Bailey. George spent his entire life doing good deeds for others and for his family, never putting himself first. One Christmas, his business is in trouble, his house is falling apart, and he has several children to feed and care for.... simply put he is overwhelmed, he feels like his life has no purpose, and that he is a failure to his family. In fact, he feels he is worth more dead than alive. While struggling, and about to commit suicide, his guardian angel, Clarence, saves George (who jumped off a bridge). The movie enables us to go on a special journey with George and Clarence. Through the magic of Clarence's angel ways, Clarence is able to show George how awful the world would have been if he wasn't in! His wife would have never married, his good friend would have gotten arrested, his mom would have lived a harder life financially, and the town would have been run by a controlling and diabolical man. At the end of this journey, George realizes that he really has lived..... a wonderful life. This movie was released in 1946, but at one point or another in all of our lives, we question our existence and have an existential crisis like George!

Why am I mentioning this? Because on Monday, of this week, I received the most beautiful email from my friend, Phyllis. I asked her if it would be okay for me to share her message and she agreed. Phyllis' words came at a very down moment in my life and I believe just like Angel Clarence enabled George to see things differently, Phyllis' words did the same for me. I can get very down moments, as I walk my life's journey now without my two boys in my life. It causes me to wonder at times..... is Mattie Miracle worth it? Is it worth continuing the Foundation alone and am I making a difference? Phyllis' email made me pause and struck me right to the core of my heart. I could go on, but I will let you read it for yourself. Needless to say, I printed out this message and it sits on my desk to refer to on down days. 

Vicki, reading your newsletter just reinforces the reality that you are having a profound effect on the world. Only someone with your life experiences, education, and personal skills could blend together that mix and create Mattie Miracle which then sends ripple effects out into the world.

I have this vision of you standing in disbelief like George Bailey at the end of It's a Wonderful Life," while one by one, grateful people come in to tell him how his life has changed theirs for good. While I know you will never actually have a "George" cinematic moment, know that your presence in this world likewise has incalculably changed it for good. 

Thankful for you in this season of Thanksgiving...... 

Love, Phyllis 

Friday, November 28, 2025

Friday, November 28, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2008. The day after Thanksgiving to be specific! Thanksgiving was a hard day, but again we tried to reset the mood in the house and Mattie went to one of his favorite stores and picked out this Scooby Doo light up Christmas display. Every year, the day after Thanksgiving, we would put up a light display in our commons area in the city. Our neighbors LOVED it and some of them would tell me that the holidays were hard for them, but seeing our lights perked them up. Each year, the light display grew in size! Scooby Doo was added to the display in 2008! It was the last year we decorated for Christmas. I only started to decorate again for Christmas in 2021, when my parents moved in with us. Otherwise, the holidays have lost their meaning for me, as they seem to remind me of the significant losses in my life.  

Quote of the day: Can you miss something before it's gone?" …"I think so. The anticipation of the loss hurts nearly as much as the loss itself. You find yourself trying to hold onto every detail, because you'll never have them again.” ~ Emily Lloyd-Jones

Today, we officially celebrated my mom's 90th birthday. Given the nature of all I am juggling, hosting a party wasn't going to be happening. In fact, I hate photos of myself now because when I see myself, I see a very exhausted and distraught woman. My face doesn't look the same. 

But my parents had a great time today, so my mission was accomplished. 

I was introduced to this restaurant in Great Falls, VA, years ago by my friend, Dawnee. She took me to Chez Francois for my birthday. Seriously it was love at first sight. Going to this restaurant is like a step back in time. Where you aren't rushed through a meal, where peace, tranquility, good food, and lovely service are the only things on the menu. In the summer months, their outside patio is open, which is surrounded by their lush gardens (they have extensive vegetable bed growing items featured on the menu).

They start every meal with an amuse bouche. Today's was butternut soup, with butternut squash from their gardens. It was so good, even my dad ate it! 

My mom and I then had a trio of salmon. When I became pregnant with Mattie, my taste for salmon changed, it just wouldn't go down. Prior to being pregnant, I loved salmon. However, give me lox, and I still love it. 

We then had a salad. 

Our entree was local Maryland Rockfish, which was sitting on a bed of celery root. Which was actually quite tasty. 

The birthday girl! Looking good at 90. We literally had three different desserts:

The candle was in a piece of pumpkin mousse (which actually tasted like pumpkin, in comparison to the night before).

My mom wanted a Grand Marnier souffle. 

This was a piece of black forest cake. 

When I got home today, this Christmas tree inflatable arrived. I got it on sale and I decided to replace the one we used to use, which was a snowman. I prefer the tree and the symbolism of the bright shining star that guided the wisemen to Bethlehem. May the spirit of this season find its way to my home and heart.