Tuesday, September 8, 2026

Tuesday, September 8, 2026 -- Mattie died 862 weeks ago today. 

It is the 17th anniversary of Mattie's death. 

Tonight's picture was taken on September 1, 2009. As you can see, Mattie was very ill. He was attached to a pain pump and most times was connected to oxygen. It was Mattie who elected to return to the hospital. He did not want to be at home. So in essence Mattie chose to die at the hospital, surrounded by his hospital family. However, I really think Mattie chose to die at the hospital because he was worried about us. All I can say is thank goodness Mattie made this choice. There would have been no way Mattie could have humanly died at home. The amount of pain meds given to Mattie on the day he died were basically adult dosages and eventually the medical team gave Mattie a lethal dosage of propofol to send him into a coma. Mattie died in my arms, with me hearing that flat line sound on his machines. I will never forget that harrowing six hours of his death, the syringes of pain medications all over his bed, and Mattie struggling to breathe. 

Quote of the day: How does it feel, to see a dying child? One does not feel at all for there is nothing in the mind to make sense of it. Nothing, but one's own death. ~ A.J.West

Today marks the 17th anniversary of Mattie's death. Some may be reading this and saying, 17 years ago is a long time. Therefore the loss is less painful and Vicki has found a way to move forward. Case in point, the comment I recently received on the blog, basically told me just that.... "Get the f* up. Your son died years ago. He left you most likely for this." 

I can't speak for other bereaved parents, I only speak for myself, and for me, Mattie's death will always be earth shattering. Certainly, I have had to find a way to stabilize and live with this pain, but that doesn't mean for one second that I have forgotten the pain, I have forgotten Mattie's journey, and that there is no longer a need to retell stories, share his life with others, and find ways to honor Mattie's memory. Anyone who knows me, knows that connections I share with those I love are very deep. 

This morning when I woke up, I was a bit dazed. I was dazed because I did not know if a butterfly encounter actually happened or if it was part of my dream. I determined it was my dream, but the feeling was so real. All I remember before coming to consciousness was that a big butterfly was flying all around me, and then it suddenly landed on my cheek and was fluttering. Not unlike how Mattie would flutter his eyelashes against my face! I concluded that this dream was a Mattie sign, as I typically don't remember my dreams, but this one was very vivid! 

This photo was taken on September 8, 2017. Sunny came with me to the hospital to visit Mattie's paver! This paver was a gift to us from our philanthropy contact at the hospital. It reads...

In Loving Memory of our Son, Mattie Brown

This photo was taken on September 8, 2016. This brick paver is in the garden outside the church where Mattie's funeral was held. One of the families from Mattie's preschool created this for us. The paver reads....

In loving memory, Mattie Brown, King of the Legos.

Sunny with me in the church garden. Here's the thing about Sunny. He never met Mattie, yet he understood we were doing something special and important. Meaning he just knew he wasn't there to sniff, run, or play.

I was going to reflect on Mattie's last moments here, but then I figured why should I recall it, when I did such a thorough job back in 2009. Which was actually amazing given the horror I had just literally experienced! So below is an excerpt from the September 8, 2009 blog posting. 

Blog Posting from September 8, 2009 (I added notes in parentheses):

Mattie had a VERY harrowing night. From 2am on, Mattie was having trouble breathing, and appeared to be in intense pain. It was the most intense five hours of our lives, and the sights and sounds we observed during this time were horrific, ones I don't wish on anyone else. I can still see Mattie's sweet face writhing in pain, gasping for breath, and making a horrible congested sound, which if I don't ever hear this again in my lifetime, that would be too soon! Dr. Shad called this chest congestion, the "Death Rattle." That is an accurate description because when you hear it, you know death is pending. In all reality I found these five hours frightening, because we just did not know how the death process would unfold.

We were blessed to have Sarah Marshall, one of Mattie's outstanding HEM/ONC nurses, working with us last night. Sarah Marshall was assigned to work with Mattie only last night. Typically a HEM/ONC nurse is assigned three patients during a given shift. Sarah Marshall was proactive and did everything that was humanly possible to make sure that Mattie was relatively pain free, which WASN'T easy. Mattie was on IV dilaudid, dilaudid boluses by hand, a Versed continuous drip, as well as boluses of Versed. In addition, Mattie was receiving albuterol through an inhaler, which helped to keep his airways open.

X (I removed the name) and I spoke to Mattie throughout the night. We weren't sure exactly what to say, but we told him we loved him, were proud of him, and in essence he could die and we would be fine. We wanted him to know we understood he was in control over how the night played out.

By 6:15am, Mattie was receiving very high dosages of pain medicine, however his pain wasn't subsiding, and frankly we were getting concerned with how we could manage his very over taxed heart and body. Dr. Shad prescribed propofol at that point to put Mattie in a twilight sleep. But propofol is known to slow down the heart rate, and this assisted in giving Mattie relief and helped to stop prolong the agony! Mattie died within one hour of the propofol infusion. While Mattie was in pain, I could see he would try to sit up and talk with X and I. At one point, he mentioned to us that "he was going to die." So we concurred with him and this provided some leeway to talk about our fears and hopes for him. We told him we loved him and that it was okay to let go. Periodically Mattie would sit up and try to open his eyes, and one time he looked at me and said someone else was in the room with us, by the door. Well no one earthly was in the room with us, but we knew Mattie's death was near. Here is the thing though, seeing him suffer in pain, and listening to this "death rattle" for hours on end, made the option of death much more peaceful and appealing. My heart was aching over the pain Mattie was in. Dr. Shad assures me that Mattie was always comfortable, and the "death rattle" is much harder for the caregiver to listen to for hours.

As Dr. Shad said to me today, "Mattie fought death." Mattie just did not want to die. Dr. Shad feels that this was because he did not want to leave X and I behind. After all the three of us thought we would be together for always. Careful when you assume things!!! Dr. Shad told me that she has been an oncologist for 25 years and in all her career she has only had to use propofol on one other child patient! She said Mattie was her second, and Mattie needed it because he was resisting death. I actually found her statement very empowering, because if Mattie was willing to be that congested for such a significant period of time then he really must love us dearly.

Once on propofol, Mattie's body started to relax, and I decided to lie down next to him on his bed, as we were awaiting death. I wasn't sure what death was going to look like, but slowly one by one his respiratory rate went to zero, his pulse oximeter went to zero, and his heart rate also went to zero. Hearing all these values flat line was another sound I won't forget any time soon. But by that point Mattie was in my arms. The nurses and doctors gave us about an hour alone with Mattie after he died, to say good-bye. This was a very touching and tearful hour. How do you say good-bye to your child? Both X and I know on some level that Mattie has died today, but on the other hand, we are having intense trouble believing this. 

Sharon, the Lombardi Clinic chaplain, was with us starting at 4am. She helped say a prayer before and after Mattie's death. Sharon did a wonderful job, and though I have my own issues I am working out with God, I saw the need for prayer and to ask God to spare Mattie more pain and suffering. (Current note.... Having Sharon in the room with us for hours while Mattie was dying was very uncomfortable, as it made me feel observed and judged at the most painful time in my life as a mom.)

After we had some private time with Mattie, he was visited by over 20 Georgetown Hospital employees. Jenny, Jessie (art therapists), and Linda (child life professional) bought four stepping stone kits and we all worked around Mattie and did a stone for each foot and each hand. This is something I always wanted to do, and I am happy to have these cherished gifts that will always remind me of Mattie. I appreciate Tricia, Debbi, and Katie's (nurses) help, because as X and I were pushing Mattie's hands and feet into the cement like substance, they were cleaning the substance off of Mattie. It was an amazing experience that occurred today, because in Mattie's postage stamp sized room, many employees came by to share their fond stories of Mattie with us. It was touching to see and hear how much Mattie has touched people's lives. My parents were so happy to be able to meet in person many of the people I have been writing about on the blog. In addition, Brandon, Mattie's big buddy, also visited. I could tell that Brandon was very upset to lose Mattie, and I told Brandon that Mattie loved him and considered him a good friend. (Current note.......... Another thing I did not report at the time, was Mattie's original oncologist came to visit us. When my dad asked him in this group setting of 20 people (like a mini wake in Mattie's room), what the doctor learned from Mattie's cancer case, the doctor said.... NOTHING! This is something that I will never forget. Even if he learned nothing,  you don't say this around a bereaved family!)

Once all the visits were over, X and I had the last chance to say good-bye to Mattie before preparing him to go to the hospital morgue. Lovely, no?! Saying good-bye to that beautiful face, those cute cheeks and hands was down right impossible. There are times the true reality hits me and I don't know how we will go on. Literally!

Tricia, Debbi, and Katie (nurses) then gave Mattie a bath, and as unpleasant as this sounds, they had to place Mattie's body in a body bag and transport him to another floor in the hospital. I removed myself from the room, because I did not want to see the body bag. My precious son landing up in a body bag was a little hard to take. I sat outside with Dr. Shad and Linda, and X remained to help with the process. Mattie's "big brother" Jey (part of the transport radiology team, who became very close to Mattie over those 14 months) came up to see us and also stayed to help transport Mattie to the morgue. He said no one else could do it, it was his responsibility today, because he loves Mattie and wants to give him a safe drive on is final destination within the hospital.

Saying good-bye to Georgetown today made me sad. I know we are always invited to the C52 unit, but it isn't the same. The nurses were clearly affected by Mattie's death and in many ways I was surrounded by this amazing community that we have gotten to know over 14 months of hospitalization. Jey also told us a funny story. Jey could picture Mattie up in heaven and arguing with God about his wings. Jey said Mattie would WIN about how large they would be!

We arrived at the hospital last Thursday with three of us, but today we only came home with two. How I miss the noise, sights, and directions given by Mattie, instead what I have floating around in my head are the sounds of hospital monitors. When we arrived home, I saw Speedy Red and almost lost it. In all reality being around Mattie's things bring about great sadness.

Monday, September 7, 2026

Monday, September 7, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2008. It is one of my favorite cancer related photos I took of Mattie. That day, one of my wonderful students came to visit. Susan is now my friend! Any case, Susan, introduced Mattie to an archeological dig. She brought this big block of clay with her, tools, and goggles. Mattie worked on digging through that block of clay for maybe two hours. He unearthed this plastic skeleton of a dinosaur. Once the process was over, Mattie was tired, but very proud of his accomplishment. This photo captures the emotion of that moment! I will never forget that day. 

Quote of the day: Emotional pain is not something that should be hidden away and never spoken about. There is truth in your pain, there is growth in your pain, but only if it’s first brought out into the open. ~ Steven Aitchison

Though it was a holiday, my mom got up early. As soon as she starts moving and opening and closing doors, I am jolted awake. Of course, Indie doesn't like me sleeping past 7am either. Any case, I got up early and started my day. However, as the morning continued on, I literally felt sick to my stomach. I wasn't sure how to manage this feeling, but thankfully as quickly as the feeling came on, it dissipated. My parents were very tired today, so after breakfast, I encouraged them to rest in the family room for two hours. 

I eventually took my parents to Dairy Queen for blizzards. Dairy Queen is a special place to me, because me and my other half would always visit one of their stores in North Carolina, during our beach vacations. I remember eating a blizzard one year in the car, while a massive rain, thunder, and lightning storm was all around us. Before going to the Outer Banks, NC, I never heard of Dairy Queen. Our vacations opened up a new world to me because I LOVE ice cream.

I did not go to the Dairy Queen empty handed. I brought the Qwirkle game (which I talked about yesterday) with me. It is now stored in the travel tote I always have with me. I love the fact that the game gets both of my parents to focus, use their brains, and talk to each other. Since they both enjoy this type of game, I will be contacting my dad's memory care center to find additional game ideas. 

On Tuesday, we head to the hospital for my dad's follow up CT scan of his head. My dad suffered a brain bleed in December of 2025. He was hospitalized then and we have been working with a neurosurgery team for almost a year now. The team has my dad doing scans every three months. I am hoping this will be the last scan, because getting my dad on a CT scan table is like hell on earth. 

Tomorrow also marks the 17th anniversary of Mattie's death. The hospital where I am taking my dad for his scan is the same hospital where Mattie was born and where his cancer was first diagnosed. In a way, it is like returning to a place of great significance to my life, a place that provided great happiness and also unbelievable sadness. 

Sunday, September 6, 2026

Sunday, September 6, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2008. As you can see, it was a month into treatment and Mattie lost all of his hair. This was a big adjustment for Mattie and it made him immediately see how different he was from his friends. There was no mistaking that Mattie was sick and fighting cancer! That afternoon, our neighbor, Francis, came over and bestowed Dandy Dog on Mattie. Dandy Dog was practically Mattie's size. Francis had the dog made especially for Mattie. Mattie couldn't get over this large stuffed animal. Every gift of kindness Mattie received over those 14 months, perked him up. You would be amazed how his mood and outlook would change when he received a care package from someone. All I know is I will always be grateful to the generosity of Team Mattie, because anything that brought Mattie happiness even for a minutes, was a blessing. 

Quote of the day: Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it. ~ William Arthur Ward

When I finally got my dad settled in his recliner this morning, after our morning routine, he surprised me. He literally looked at me and said, "You know what?" Seriously I had no idea what was coming next. I figured he was going to tell me what he needed, but that is not what happened. Instead, he said, "I am proud of you!" I was stunned, but given how I am feeling about myself these days, my response to my dad was, "why are you proud of me?" My dad said, "I am proud of you because you are a very special, thoughtful, and incredibly bright woman." I truly wasn't expecting this comment. Most days, I plug along without a word of kindness or thanks. I am not caregiving to get thanks, but what I found was after hearing this today, I felt a little lighter and in a better mood. 

This afternoon, I took my parents out to lunch, like I do every Sunday. With me, I brought the game, Qwirkle. How did I find out about this game? From my dad! My dad has been talking non-stop about this game, which he saw at his memory care center. Here's the irony of this! He did not play the game at the center, nor did he see anyone else play it! Nonetheless, the game caught his eye on the shelf. So much so, that his caregivers there wrote down the name of the game for me! One day last week, my dad wanted to take the game from the center, bring it home, and keep it. Of course I had to explain that the game belonged to the center. Normally my dad wants something, but then forgets about it minutes later. Not with this game! He was insistent. So the other day, I bought it. 

I packed up the game and brought it to the restaurant with us. It is a very easy game to transport and I read the instructions before today, so I had some idea how to play the game. My parents can no longer play a hand themselves, so instead, I dealt out six tiles each and we all could see each other's tiles. We then worked on creating patterns with shapes and colors together. It actually was a great activity that engaged both of my parents. Usually my mom is glued to Facebook while we are dining and my dad is out of it, which leaves me trying my best to engage them. Qwirkle did the trick today. Another table was fascinated by what we were doing that they came over and snapped a photo of the game. 

Here's the take away from all of this..... my parents may not be able to play the game exactly as intended, but they can still play the game. It takes more guidance and support from me, but as I always say.... you go with where a person is and you find a way to engage them at their developmental level! 

It made for a very engaging lunch and I am happy I insisted on taking the game with us to the restaurant. My dad wanted me to purchase the game but initially he did not want to play it. He got confused by all the tiles and couldn't understand the goal of the game. So playing as a group of three rather than three individuals made it a very successful first round of Qwirkle!

Saturday, September 5, 2026

Saturday, September 5, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken on Labor Day of 2008. Mattie was entering his second month on treatment. That weekend, Mattie's uncle, aunt, and cousins came to visit. This was before Mattie had any of his surgeries, so he was able to walk freely. What you can't tell was this room was the size of a postage stamp, and that blue chair you see to the left of Mattie, was what I slept in at night. If I got two hours a sleep at night, that was a lot! I look back at this photo and given that we were new to the process, we had hope that we could find a cure!

Quote of the day: Trees are as close to immortality as the rest of us ever come. ~ Karen Joy Fowle

I was determined today to visit and decorate Mattie's memorial tree at his school. Ideally I wanted to go alone, but my mom wanted to come. Which meant that I had both my mom and dad with me. I toileted my dad before we left, but no good deed goes unpunished. As my dad had a massive accident in the car and there was nothing I could about it until I was finished with the process of the tree. When my parents are with me, it is hard to focus on anything other than their needs. 

This was a photo of Mattie's tree from 2018. 

I decorate this tree three times a year: 1) on the anniversary of Mattie's death (September 8), 2) at Christmas time, and 3) on Mattie's birthday (April 4). We had been doing this since the original tree was planted in 2010. Mattie's memorial tree was a gift from the families of the class of 2020 (Mattie's high school graduation year). This particular photo was taken on September 8, 2018. Since Mattie's ashes are with me at home, this tree always gave us a peaceful place to reflect on Mattie and the amazing boy he was and always will be. 

This tree is the FOURTH memorial tree planted for Mattie. The first one died (an oak), the second one also looked sickly (an oak), and then a third tree was planted but in a different location on the playground (a yellowwood tree). The third tree was struck by lightning and literally its trunk looked like the letter Y. So in 2018, the school's arborist (Tim) text messaged me. He told me that Mattie was sending us a message. Mattie wanted an oak tree as a memorial tree, and no tree will ever thrive if it is not an oak. Tim told me he was going to pick up a heartly white swamp oak, but instead of him planting it alone, he suggested that I gather friends for a tree planting ceremony. Great idea, but Tim only gave me 24 hours notice to make that happen. So I immediately text messaged friends and as usual they did not disappoint. Over twenty people showed up on September 8, 2018 to help dig a hole and plant this glorious tree! 

I am telling you this back story, because look at how tall the tree is now (can you see my ladder.... it is tiny in comparison to the tree)! When I got to campus today, I was stunned. The tree was even larger than when I saw it in April. It is so tall, that soon I will not be able to reach the branches. 

I literally snapped a photo and sent it to Tim, the arborist. I wanted him to see how it is thriving and growing over these 8 years. This is what Tim said to me...

It is incredible. It's as if the tree is in a hurry to grow up and shade the children on the playground. It's good to hear from you, God bless, and I still wear the hat you gave me and think of Mattie often. I remember when I purchased the tree at the nursery, it had an oriole nest in it. This is very distinct and not common. I took it as a sign from Mattie to select this tree. I can say it was the only oriole nest I've ever seen in a young tree at a nursery. 

The tree's memorial plaque. 

Every fall, I always include a sunflower themed bow! This flower reminds me of our last year together.

I wasn't sure if these photos were going to be too big for the tree, but they are perfect. I got this photo idea from walks with Sunny in Washington, DC. We always passed a house with a bush out front, decorated with small memorial photos. That vision has remained with me for years. I am not sure why I never did this before, but now anyone who passes this tree, will see that Mattie was indeed a real boy! A child who should have had his whole life ahead of him. 

I snapped a few photos of the ornaments I created. Each ornament holds two photos. So when it twirls around in the wind, you will see two different photos of Mattie. So in total there are ten ornaments on the tree, highlighting 20 different moments in Mattie's life. 

I absolutely LOVE this photo. We took Mattie to Meadowlark Park during Christmas time. We got to walk through the gardens and saw amazing Christmas lights. Afterwards we went inside for treats and to get warm. We both loved this frog bronze statue, so Mattie posed with it! I just think it is whimsical!

Mattie was gifted this "got lobster" t-shirt! I remember taking this photo on our deck and Mattie was showing me his lobster claws!

On of Mattie's Halloween costumes! He was the cutest Pooh! 

Me and Mattie at the Reston Zoo!

The beauty and humor of Mattie! 

 

Friday, September 4, 2026

Friday, September 4, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2007. Mattie was five years old and that week we were visiting San Diego. We went touring by day with my parents and then in the late afternoon, we would either go to the pool, bicycle ride, or walk around. Mattie was like an energizer bunny, as it took a lot to make him tired. In essence he was a lot like me. In this photo, Mattie just got out of the pool, and was chilly, so he climbed into my lap in hopes of getting warmer! 

Quote of the day: They say time heals all wounds, but that presumes the source of the grief is finite. ~ Cassandra Clare

This morning I woke up in pain. Thankfully I knew what this horrible pain was..... it is sciatic nerve pain. I do not get flair ups often, but clearly either something I did, or how I twisted my back, caused the onset of this pain. The pain is so intense that even Advil isn't helping. Of course trying to care for myself is impossible. I can only hope that the pain subsides on its own. The last time I had this issue, it sent me right to an orthopedic doctor and I endured months of physical therapy. The problem with this pain also causes muscle pain and it aggravates my torn labrum in my right hip. So overall, I am feeling awful.

After dropping my dad off at his memory care center today, I headed to the grocery store. When I entered the store, I heard screaming. It was coming from a young child. Turns out there was a mom and dad grocery shopping with their children. Each parent had two children in the cart with them. The screaming was intense and I observed the mom basically telling this young child to suck it up. I just observed and absorbed it. But I believe every customer around them was edgy. We are all edgy now, especially given the Lindsay Clancy trial. In any case, while making my way through the produce section, eventually the hysterical child was taken out of the mom's cart and put into the dad's cart. I then heard the dad talking to the child. Seriously he got a gold star. He basically told this child, who had to be about 6 of 7, that she can't talk to her mom like that and then started redirecting the child's attention. He had her playing a game, looking for colors and shapes around her. He then also handed her a banana to eat while playing. You know what? It worked! The child's whole demeanor changed and the screaming stopped. I am not judging the mom, as Mattie had many crying tantrums right in the middle of public spaces. It would have been very easy to come to your own conclusions about me if you only saw a brief snapshot of these tantrums. My point to this story, was I saw a couple working as a team today, backing each other up. Parenting is one of the toughest jobs a person can ever take on, but when the priority is the health and well-being of the child, then you learn to become creative, you develop strategies, and you find the support you need during difficult times. 

As I was checking out of the grocery store, I chatted with the store employee I see every Friday. I literally pick up with her, where I leave off with her the week before. I always say to her.... next week, I will hear the next chapter, to which she laughs. Today, she was telling me a story about her 85 year old neighbor. This woman has dementia and no family. She doesn't have a phone or a car either, and wanders around in the community. The police and adult protective services have been called about this woman, but to my dismay, I heard that there was nothing that can be done. As I was listening to this story today, I literally thought...... there but for the grace of God go I. When you don't have a spouse or children, aging becomes a daunting and frightening notion. 

Thursday, September 3, 2026

Thursday, September 3, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2008. That was our first month in the hospital. I remember this photo and moment in time like it were yesterday. Mattie's cousins came into town and visited him at the hospital. It was Labor Day weekend, which is the WORST time to be at a hospital because weekends and holidays are like a ghost town. Mattie's nurse allowed us to go outside to the hospital rose garden on the second floor of the complex. This outdoor space was our only escape from the smells and noises of the hospital. In any case, Mattie was standing outside the medical library, which had all sorts of rocks around the entrance. Mattie picked one up and was showing his cousin. To this day, I have a very large stone that Mattie took from that garden. It props open my bedroom door! Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't let Mattie take the stone, but having cancer, made many of my typical rules and guidance go right out the window. 

Quote of the day: The greatest gift of the garden is the restoration of the five senses. ~ Hanna Rion

Each morning this week, I wake up and feel like I won't be able to function today. However, thankfully once I get moving, that feeling passes. I had to take my dad to the foot doctor today so he could get measured for shoes. He qualifies for shoes once a year through Medicare because he has diabetes. That may sound nice, but the hoops and hurdles I have to jump to comply with their regulations make it almost NOT worth doing. Medicare requires that my dad be assessed by his primary care doctor 30 days before applying for the shoes. My dad can't see the doctor virtually and the appointment can't address anything other than his diabetes. So in essence I have to drag my dad to the doctor's office for this one specific appointment. What I find beyond hysterical is that there is a whole paper trail from all my dad's recent hospitalizations that verify he has diabetes! Does Medicare honestly think that at age 91, his diabetes is going to spontaneously disappear!? Okay, so once that hurdle is behind us, the next one ensues. I then had to take my dad to the foot doctor to get his feet measured (using an i-pad, which makes a 3-D mold of his feet). This appointment has to be a separate one from his September nail care appointment. What Medicare has no appreciation for is how difficult it is to move my dad from one place to other, just to get their paperwork completed. I think it is criminal, because by the time a patient gets into their 90s, it would be very easy for Medicare to pull my dad's records and see..... indeed he has diabetes and is being treated for it. 

In addition to balancing everything else, I now have a list of plumbing issues that I want to get addressed. They aren't big, but annoying enough. Such as, my dad's toilet no longer refills automatically (and we bought that toilet in 2022!). I tried to google why this is happening and what to do about it, but I concluded.... nope! I do not know what I am doing and I need a plumber. I loved my plumber, Cody. However, he has left the company I have a service contract with, so today, whenever I am in a quandary, I reach out to Bob, my electrician. I met Bob in 2021, shortly after we bought the house. Bob and his team spent months at my house, correcting all the faulty wiring. My joke was I saw him more than my own family! Any case, within seconds, Bob text messaged back and I have him and my new plumber on the books for September 22, as Bob had to come back this month anyway to fix all my under counter kitchen lights. I am so grateful that I have a team of amazing guys to help me with the house, because otherwise I would be up a creek. 

As the day wore on, that low emotional feeling hit me. I get these at times, when my brain almost goes into panic mode, where I can't believe I am divorced, I don't know how I am going to manage, and I have all sorts of fears about my future. 

While dealing with those feelings, there was a knock on my door! My friend Carolyn sent me sunflowers in honor of Mattie's approaching 17th anniversary of his death. Sunflowers are symbolic of Team Mattie and to me these are a glorious vision. The way I survive my countless traumatic losses, is I take it one day at a time. I stop myself from worrying about next month, next year, or ten years from now. Today, I just appreciate my sunflowers and the time I spent in the garden weeding and watering. 

Wednesday, September 2, 2026

Wednesday, September 2, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2006. Mattie was four years old and was having a great time at Legoland. Legoland had to be Mattie's favorite theme park to visit, mainly because he loved all things Lego. That day, Mattie climbed aboard a fire engine made out of those wonderful bricks. I will never forget Mattie's adventures in San Diego and how he brought new life, energy, and curiosity to all of us. 

Quote of the day: How beautiful a day can be when kindness touches it! ~ George Elliston

It was another early morning for me, as I had to get the process going because I had a dental appointment in the city at 11am. In order for me to get to that appointment on time, I was up at 6am and moving like the wind. While sitting at the breakfast table with my parents, my phone rang. It was Sandy, my mortgage assumption closing agent. The first things she said was..... congratulations! After four months, I finally have completed the mortgage assumption! We chatted a bit and she understands I am concerned about my home owner's insurance and a couple of other things. But this was the first act of kindness for the day! It is going to take me at least a month to lose that anxiety feeling every time my phone rings! I have been jumping through all sorts of hoops to get this mortgage, and the process was arduous.

Things were moving along beautifully this morning, until I went to get my dad into the car to head to his memory care center. His needed to use the bathroom. His timing always coincides to when he has to get up and move. This bathroom routine set me back by 15 minutes. Once I got my dad to his memory care center, I hopped on the highway to head into the city.

My dentist is located near where I used to live in the city. Now to get to that office, it takes me 40 minutes of driving each way. Sure I could find another dentist, but connections and loyalty mean a lot to me. I have been going to this practice for 30 years. Therefore, I am not likely to change! There was traffic on the highway and it was at that point, I could feel a migraine approaching. I did not have my medication with me, so instead, I had to mentally work through the symptoms and pain. I did arrive in the city and entered the parking garage near my doctor's office. To my surprise, the parking attendant who I had gotten to know over the last five years, was NO LONGER there! Why? Guess!!???? 

If you guessed that they did away with a human attendant, then you get a gold star. I am sick of computers, automation, and don't get me started on AI. Computers can't and should never replace the human connection. So I was already running late to my appointment, but then had to figure out how to get into the garage. There was a gate and next to the gate was an automated system that asked for my cell phone number. There was literally a man trying to get out of the garage and the gate wouldn't open to let him out. He was beyond frustrated and I wasn't far behind. We commiserated! After I put my cell number into the automated system the gate opened. 

By the time I got to my dentist's office, I could see that I received a text message from the garage gate company. It knew my license plate and asked me to register my car with their system. I really did not want to do this, but I could see the trouble the man at the gate was having trying to get out of the garage without using the app. Since my parents use the same dentist, I deduced, I had no choice but to comply. So I created an account, which was linked to my credit card. This kind of stuff always makes me edgy and in the past, I would be calling my other half in a panic, seeking guidance on what to do. Another thing about being divorced that I hate..... I lost my wing man! 

Any case, today, I was shown three acts of kindness! The first one was Sandy's call. Here was the second.....Every couple of years, my dentist takes a full set of x-rays! I hate the whole process and the cost. Today, Annie (my hygienist) told me that she and my dentist were going to comp my x-rays. Why do I think they were doing this? They did this because they admire that I am a full-time caregiver, that I run a non-profit that helps children with cancer, and that I took a serious financial hit with my divorce. Needless to say, I was very happy not to pay $300 for x-rays. Annie and the dentist know that my appointments are my respite. Crazy as that sounds! It is the only moment where I am not running around and dealing with caregiving tasks. Instead, someone is working on me. Typically Annie knows I love rat pack music, but today, as we were chatting about Dolly Parton, I told Annie.... let's listen to Dolly! Which we did! 

After my appointment, I got back in the car and had to navigate through the city to get back home to my mom. I was once very comfortable in the city, as it was my home for over 20 years, but now, I truly do not recognize it. In fact, there is a hole in the ground, where my other half's office used to be. It was shocking and my favorite sandwich shop was also leveled! So much for progress. 

When I drive through my old neighborhood now, I almost feel like I am having an outer body experience, because my life looked one way there and now it is completely different.   

When I got home, I dealt with laundry, fed Indie, and did some other chores. But my mom was ready to go out, so I turned it around and took her out for tea. Starbuck's was busy today, and my mom needs a table and chair in order to be comfortable. To my surprise more acts of kindness ensued! First, a young man held the door open for me as we approached the store. He saw I was holding and guiding my mom with one arm as I was holding a bag and her jacket and blanket in the other. Then another man, a customer, jumped up and moved a table and two chairs over for us to use. I was beyond shocked and very grateful, because usually I am running around the store asking people to share their table and chairs. Ironically every now and then, I get a customer who yells at me when I make the request to share a table! Some days I am just tired of running around and advocating. 

I am grateful today for Sandy, for my dentist's office, and the two men I encountered at Starbuck's who weren't looking for anything other than to be helpful. Acts of unexpected kindness can indeed turn one's heart and mind around in an instant.   

Tuesday, September 1, 2026

Tuesday, September 1, 2026 -- Mattie died 861 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2004. Mattie was two years old and he was visiting my parents in Los Angeles. I snapped this photo because Mattie found my sandals, put them on, and was walking all over the house in them! Check out that priceless smile!!! You can practically feel his laughter and energy from this photo. 

Quote of the day: Companionship is more than a presence, it’s a steady, compassionate embrace that walks beside you, through every season of caregiving and beyond. ~ Beth M. Sutherland

This morning, I woke up at 5:30am. I had to get up this early because Steve, my outdoor guru, was coming at 8am to help me with outdoor lighting issues and the pool of water collecting in my front yard from a broken downspout. As a caregiver, I am unable to just get up and manage myself and Steve. NO, I have to think about the cat, making breakfast, cleaning up the house, and timing things just right so that I could get my dad up, toileted, showered, dressed and downstairs for his therapy appointment at 11am. 

I spent about an hour with Steve and learned what the issues were and thankfully, Steve was able to fix everything. I am convinced there is nothing he can't fix! But to say that I am tired would be an understatement. 

My cousin Maureen, sent me a YouTube video the other day (below). The video discusses Dolly Parton's role as a caregiver to her ailing husband and highlights the toll caregiving took on her body and spirit. In fact, Dolly died 18 months after her husband, Carl Dean, died. Research indicates that when a spouse dies, the remaining caregiving spouse can die 12-18 months after. Why? Because the loss of a long term partner is emotionally traumatic on top of the grueling and debilitating tasks a caregiver performed for years. As the researcher in the video highlights, the severe trauma of such a loss can impact the cardiovascular system and therefore the surviving spouse maybe faced with heart issues or a stroke. But there is a psychosocial component to such a traumatic loss such as a collapse in routine. The survivor is no longer caregiving. It is an immediate loss in all caregiving tasks (showering, dressing, toileting, shuttling to medical appointments, medication management, wound care, providing mental and social stimulation, etc), and a loss in one's long term and trusted social partner. But in addition to all these massive losses, there is a loss of purpose and this has one questioning the will to live.

Many people think that once our caregiving role is over, there is relief! There is freedom, and things go back to normal. NO, NO, and NO! When caregiving has been your identify for years, when you aren't doing it anymore, you become directionless, isolated, confused, and can spiral downhill.  

Though this video is talking about caregiving and its overwhelming physical and financial toll on the caregiver, I couldn't help but equate his discussion on traumatic loss to my loss of Mattie and my loss of my marriage. I may not have lost a spouse to death, but divorce in some ways for me is even worse and I would have to say the emotional impact is quite similar. 

When Mattie died, I went from around the clock caregiving for 14 months straight, sleeping maybe two hours a night, to NOTHING. On September 8, 2009, I lost my identity, I lost my role as a caregiver and mom, and all I saw was a blank, grey, and uninhabitable world. Once Mattie died, my body started falling apart. While caring for Mattie, I was on constant hyper alert and blocked out all my pains, symptoms and issues. I imagine this is how our military members can keep going regardless of the toxicity they are facing. Mattie's journey gave me a glimpse into the power of the body and how we can train ourselves to endure incredible stress and sleep deprivation. However, once the threat was over, then my body and mind, crashed! I faced chronic urinary track infections, fatigue, and had no interest or desire to live. I am not sure how I survived that bleakness, but being married and sharing that loss was definitely less isolating. 

As tonight's quote points out, there is great strength in companionship. I miss having my lifelong companion. Now I carry the loss of Mattie, I carry the daily routine of caring for my parents, and I carry my painful divorce alone. What I like about this video, is it gives us a glimpse into Dolly Parton the wife. A woman who took a hands-on caregiving role and as a result we are all left to seeing the consequences. A traumatic loss can even take down a massive music legend. This should give us all pause. 

As this research highlights, the chronic stress I live with, floods my body with stress hormones, which can have long term consequences on my immune system, blood pressure, and cellular aging. I end tonight's posting by saying.... THANK YOU to all the family caregivers out there, who provide unpaid love, support, and care to a child or adult, YOU ARE AMAZING and our society should be indebted to you.   

This video is only about 24 minutes and it is worth a watch.............................

Monday, August 31, 2026

Monday, August 31, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2003. Mattie was 16 months old and he was in love with his books. Especially books that had little windows that would open up! Right next to our couch, I used to have a big basket filled with all sorts of books. Mattie loved going to the bin and pulling out books, looking at them, stacking them, and of course he loved when we read them together. The book you see here was a Sesame Street book, and you may see Elmo (the red character) on the page. Mattie absolutely loved Elmo. Whenever he heard Elmo on TV, Mattie would stop in his tracks and became very focused on what Elmo had to say. These were priceless moments, with a precious boy. 

Quote of the day: How does it feel, to see a dying child? One does not feel at all for there is nothing in the mind to make sense of it. Nothing, but one's own death. ~  A.J. West

Several of my friends recently asked me how do I manage nasty comments posted on this blog? Specially, they were curious how I handle this emotionally. It is a good question, and naturally being human, I can view the comments as cruel, mean spirited, and therefore can get pangs of pain. But at the end of the day, I know who I am. I know what our incredible mother-son bond looked and felt like, and I also know that the loss of a child to cancer is not understood by every person. THANKFULLY, as I would hate for you to experience this nightmare!

One of my friends was so incensed by the blog comment that I recently received, that she wanted me to print it out and burn it. She was just so heart broken with this comment that she did not know what to do with herself. I get it, but unlike her, I have been living with this pain for 17 years. So nasty comments are just that.... words. The real nightmare was Mattie's diagnosis and death, after experiencing those things, and knowing how I gave Mattie's care my all, no one can get under my skin about Mattie, our relationship, or my continued need to reflect on the beauty of his life. Newsflash..... the loss of a child is a forever loss. It isn't a Vicki thing, instead, I invite you to find any parent who lost a child to cancer, and you will uncover a story, a mission, and the need to share lifelong memories. If you can't appreciate this need, then congratulations..... that means you have never experienced a traumatic loss (yet!).   

Today, I took my mom to the city for her hair and nail appointments. When I walked into the salon, I literally couldn't remember whether I had a haircut appointment today or not. I felt so tired, dazed, and confused. The salon owner and staff know about my caregiving journey, and they have great compassion for my daily role. A role I have served for five years without a day's break. Thankfully I did not have a hair appointment today, because frankly I have to be mentally in the mood for this. Some days I can't sit still and most days I am not interested in focusing on myself and my needs. 

The salon is located in Washington, DC. I lived there for over 20 years as a married woman and then mother. Whenever I visit that location, I am immediately transported back into my former life. I get flashbacks of our trips to the Kennedy Center, to our local pizza restaurant, our walks by the Potomac River, and of course my time as a student and then part time faculty member at the George Washington University. Cognitively it is very hard, and I mean very hard, rationalizing that this was my life at one time, and now my life looks completely different. I did not think it was possible to decimate my life any more after losing Mattie, but clearly I was mistaken. 

When I got home this afternoon, I started putting together the photo ornaments I am creating for Mattie's memorial tree. Here is an example!

Sunday, August 30, 2026

Sunday, August 30, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2002. Mattie was four months old and one of my college friends sent me this large entertainment saucer! At first, I wasn't happy with this enormous gift that took up my small living room, but then I grew to love it! I loved it because it engaged Mattie, he enjoyed standing on his feet, turning around in the seat (as it could turn 360 degrees), and playing with all the items in front of him. Most of the times Mattie wanted me to carry him around with me, but sometimes I needed my hands to do things around the house. This entertainment saucer enabled me some freedom and Mattie some independence. 

Quote of the day: A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked. ~ Bernard Meltzer

As it is Sunday, I took my parents out to lunch today. We visit the same restaurants on Saturday and Sunday. Therefore, I have gotten to know most of the people who work at both establishments. I can't tell you what a difference this makes, as people understand my parent's needs and they truly try to make their visit a positive one. Today, I pulled up to the restaurant, and parked the car right in front of the door, and left my blinkers on. I helped both of my parents out of the car and to the table. This particular restaurant has a set of heavy double doors, and normally it is a show trying to hold my mom, bags, and jackets in one hand and guide my dad with the other. A family who was dining at the restaurant took one look at what I was juggling and they ran to the doors to assist me. That may not sound like a big deal, but to me it was the greatest gift. As it is almost impossible managing this on my own.

Given that my dad does no talking at all and my mom is glued to her phone, having people around me who see us weekly liven things up. As I land up talking to different servers and many of the managers. I know about their lives and they know about mine. This is one of the many things I miss about not being married. I miss the camaraderie, the emotional support, and working as a team to take on life's challenges. Certainly I can manage things on my own..... these past three years prove that, but I am a person who loves deep connections and my deepest connection was severed. Therefore in many ways my lens on the world is grayer. 

On September 8, it will be the 17th anniversary of Mattie's death. I now visit Mattie's tree alone, as well as carry his legacy alone. I have been thinking about what I wish to place on Mattie's tree this year, and I remembered a memory tree I used to pass on my walks in Washington, DC with Sunny. Within the West End community of Washington, DC, was a townhouse and outside the house was a small bush. I remember passing the bush and noticing shiny things on it, but it wasn't until I crossed the street and came closer to the bush did I realize what was on it..... it was a tree in the memory of a beautiful woman who died. There were about twenty photos of this woman on the tree! I didn't know the woman, nor did I know any of the people grieving. But every time I passed that tree, I reflected on this woman's life and the loss that the people in that house must have felt. The image of the memory tree always remained with me, so now I decided I am going to adopt that tradition and hang photos of Mattie on his memorial tree at his school. I ordered prints yesterday and I got plastic coverings for them on Amazon. I will work on assembling them this week and visit the tree next weekend.