Wednesday, January 13, 2010You may be asking yourself, why is Vicki posting this picture of Mattie? Mattie was six months old in this picture, and I am sharing it for one main reason. I want to show you Mattie's reaction to being in a stroller. He absolutely HATED it. Mattie did not like being strapped in, he did not like the feeling of the stroller, and this look of pain in his face captures how he felt about the entire experience. I tried to make him comfortable in his stroller, I tried all sorts of toys, I tried moving around at different speeds and looking at interesting things, forget it! Mattie was NOT a stroller baby, and by the time I finished, we must have gone through five strollers to find the right one, until I realized I had to admit defeat. Naturally, without a stroller this initially limited our ability to get around, until Peter's parents gave us a back pack for Mattie. Mattie loved riding on Peter's back, and this is basically how Mattie was transported through most family outings.
Poem of the day: Scott Tallman says: In response to my poem (yesterday's blog posting), my Mother and Father wrote a poem for me. Here it is: To Scott from Mom and Dad
We read your poem with sorrow,
As tears fell down our face,
We read your poem with sadness,
For no one can take his place.
We read your poem in silence,
Thinking of things that might have been,
If only we would have had the chance,
To do them all again.
There will be a time for your heart to mend,
We know not where, we know not when,
You will kiss your son and hold his hand,
And then you will know you are the same again.
I had a busy social calendar today and in fact, I am not sure when the last time was that I had back to back visits with friends. Social interactions for me can be hard and challenging, but I consider it a good sign that by the end of today, I did not want to change into my pajamas and shut out the world. That is progress. I went out to lunch with my friends, Ellen (Charlotte's mom) and Christine (Campbell's mom), to celebrate Ellen's birthday. We had a wonderful culinary experience, since we went to a restaurant with a tasting room. We talked about different things from travel to reading books. In fact, Ellen suggested that we start our own book club. I have never joined a book club in my life. In fact, because I consider myself a perpetuate student, most of my readings have been technical reading. Or of course reading my students' case studies and term papers. I really never made time for pleasure reading in my life. Maybe occasionally during the summers. So the prospect of a book club is both intriguing and yet daunting. It is daunting to me because my concentration is not what it used to be. So much so, that I can't really focus on reading anything. In fact, I am still trying to read the book I told you about, which I started a few months ago. It is the after math of Mattie's death which has affected some of my abilities. My abilities to concentrate and my abilities to multitask are both dramatically affected, and it is my hope in time, this will change. But in the mean time, I can't beat myself up about these changes within me.
Later in the afternoon, I met Margaret for tea. Margaret was Mattie's first preschool teacher at Resurrection Children's Center, and pretty soon after I met Margaret we became friends. We naturally clicked and as I always tell her, she came into our lives at the right time. She helped Mattie gain confidence in himself and his abilities in preschool, and she gave me the necessary support I needed to deal with a challenging toddler. Time with Margaret has a way of flying by, so much so that two and a half hours went by, and it wasn't noticeable.
When I got home this evening, Peter and I had dinner together and I was actually talkative. Mainly because I had so many stories from the day to share with him. So our conversation was lively, which for me by the end of the day is a rarity! However, as we finished dinner, Ann called me and told me that Mike (the RCC dad who I have told you was ill and hospitalized for almost two weeks) wasn't feeling well tonight and had spiked a fever. We were afraid that Mike was going to land up in the emergency room this evening, and someone needed to be at home with their children. So I quickly packed a bag, in case I was staying over night, and hopped into the car. Remember I live a packed life, since I have yet to unpack from our hospital stays, so mobilizing forces for me is SO simple. I am happy to report that Mike's fever subsided with Tylenol and at the moment is stable at home. One thing that was very evident to me though is that when you are sick, having company and outside stimulation are crucial. Being ill is very isolating, and some times diversions can be a very healthy and necessary thing. I know that when Mattie was in the hospital, playing in the childlife room, or working on an art therapy project helped take his mind off of how he was feeling. We as adults, do not necessarily need to play per se, but we do need companionship and emotional support. I believe that is imperative to recovery. I am happy that I could spend this time with Mike and I had a good time chatting with Mike and Mary. Not to say that our conversation helped his fever, because Tylenol was on board, but talking and connecting with another person is therapeutic in and of itself. We all need these connections. As I left their home tonight, I learned that Mary and I also like reading the same books, which was nice to learn, and each time I see Mary she spoils me with chocolate. Since she knows that is my vice!
I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "Yesterday was a tough day but you made it. In spite of everything you were able to get up and moving, take care of Ann's children and help someone get an internship posting and all of this with a breaking heart. Memories can be both positive and negative; I give you much credit for surviving a lot of negative thoughts yesterday. Although you did not directly address Mattie's impending death with him it is clear that he knew. I am sorry that you did not get to have a conversation that would have allayed some of your fears but it would not have changed the outcome. I wish you a day of happier memories and a bit of serenity somewhere in your day."
The second message is from my colleague and friend, Denise. Denise's daughter, Marisa, was one of the people who helped me this summer care for Mattie, so I could take an occasional break. Denise wrote, "Marisa and I continue to be daily readers of the blog and we hold you all in our hearts every day. I am in awe of your strength and courage as you share your journey through unimaginable grief and pain with us. I have especially enjoyed seeing the pictures of Mattie as a baby. What a little cutie pie!! It is also clear by looking at his face how much you and Peter love him and that he knew that even as a baby. As for the doctor telling you those smiles were gas-pshaw. The new brain research says that was Mattie mirroring back the love he saw in yours and Peter's faces, as well as the faces of everyone else who met your adorable little boy!! Take good care and remember that there is a whole community out here that stands behind you each and every day, supporting you with gentle, loving thoughts and prayers."
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