Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2009. As you can see right next to Mattie is a cockroach constructed out of paper. I am not sure what Mattie loved more. The bugs themselves, or the sheer terror bugs generated in me. Either case, Mattie had this huge roach sitting next to him, and in his hand he was holding an enormous fly swatter. Ann got these fly swatters for Mattie's "bug" birthday party. He loved the whole notion of this fly swatter, and he was encouraging me to use it to get rid of this pretend roach. This conversation generated many smiles and laughs for Mattie. Which naturally was my main goal.
Poem of the day: Death is nothing at all by Christina Georgina Rossetti
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you,
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name,
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference in your tone,
wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow,
laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Pray smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effort,
without the trace of a shadow in it.
Life means all that it ever meant,
it is the same as it ever was.
There is unbroken continuity,
why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you
somewhere very near
just around the corner.
All is well
I had the pleasure of meeting today with the May 23rd walk raffle committee. The leader of this committee is Carolyn, a fellow RCC preschool mom and our friend. Carolyn's daughter and Mattie were in the same preschool class. Carolyn has been a wonderful Team Mattie supporter and a faithful blog reader. Ann and Liza (another SSSAS mom and friend) also attended this meeting, and it was wonderful to hear these women brainstorm ideas for the logistics of this raffle as well as what items should be raffled. I continue to be amazed by the generous spirit of those in our community, and how they continue to walk this very challenging journey with us. In many ways, I find this level of commitment and love overwhelming and deeply touching. Through Mattie, I met some incredible moms and dads, who I wouldn't have had the opportunity to meet without having had a child. To our Team Mattie supporters what can I say?! Just know I am grateful you are out there keeping Mattie's memory alive, and in the process stand committed with us on our journey to fight pediatric cancers.
I had the opportunity to pick up the mail in our Foundation's PO Box this afternoon. Tonight when I got home, I went through some of the letters. One letter in particular stood out to me because it was from someone who did not know Mattie, or my family. This is a family who learned about us through the blog and clearly has continued reading it for nine months now. Naturally I am very moved when our friends and family read the blog, and continue to show their support. However, I am left speechless when I learn that people who never met us read the blog and care about our family, so much so, that Jeanne would take the time to write a hand written note, and send along a generous check in memory of Mattie's 8th birthday. I would like to share a portion of Jeanne's letter with you.
Jeanne wrote, "I became aware of all of you last August 10, and have followed your blog each and everyday. Thank you for sharing. You are always in my prayers. My sincere sympathy for all you have experienced since July 2008. Nobody should have to experience what you have. God never promised we would never be hurt. He just promised he'd be there to help us get through it. Charlie always seems to say the right things and Ann knows just when you need her. I thanked God on September 8, that Mattie was free of suffering and pain and now his soul and spirit are living in perfection. Mattie sounds like he lived his earthly life to the fullest. He certainly had wonderful parents. I have so much enjoyed the pictures you daily share. He gave you some wonderful memories. I pray you can concentrate on the happy memories. I never met Mattie but when I see a penny on the ground or hear a wind chime ringing, I think of Mattie and I will never forget him. How wonderful that other children will smile more because you shared "the toys." What a wonderful expression of love. I want to celebrate Mattie's birthday with a small gift to your Foundation. My prayers for both of you are that laughs and smiles will someday out weigh sadness and tears."
Thank you Jeanne for writing us this letter. It meant a great deal to Peter and I. I have to believe that Mattie's death was for a reason. Perhaps it is to unite our communities behind a vital and imperative cause..... the cure for pediatric cancers. Nonetheless, as a blog writer it is always hard to determine if my messages are really getting out there to others. I know our website generates around 300 hits per day, but again this is just a number. When I receive a letter like Jeanne's it helps verify that my feelings and thoughts are being heard and even processed. That Mattie's death has caused others to pause, re-evaluate life, and most importantly understand that childhood cancer is not going to go away anytime soon without a great deal of advocacy, research, and funding to attack this disease.
Peter and I had a lovely dinner tonight at Ann's house with her family. We ate outside on her deck, and enjoyed the liveliness of her children and the beauty of being surrounded by plants and trees. Ann showed me a set of drinking glasses that she purchased today. She asked me to guess who I think would have approved of them. So I looked at them, and there were dragonflies and other bugs etched into the design of the glasses. Naturally, I said Mattie. I was touched that Ann would make such a purchase that keeps Mattie's spirit and joy for humor and bugs alive and well!
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I am glad that yesterday was a peaceful day and I hope that today is as well. Nature is so healing, sometimes I am carried away gently on the birdsong in the early morning or the feel of the spring breeze when I stand outside with my eyes closed. I hope you can still find that in your space. I saw the picture you posted on the blog and your explanation and I remember reading about all the nights spent in the tent and how it took up almost all the space in the room. I saw the tent as your love and caring spread over Mattie like a shelter from a storm that could only be kept at bay for a while; but while it was, it was his place of peace and safety. I agree with Susan that the only way Mattie could go on was to have hope, to work at trying to be strong in all ways. Otherwise I believe he would never have made it as far as he did. As always, when I practice, I send you my energy and my thoughts of peace to help you through your day. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
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