Tonight's picture was taken last year on Mattie's birthday in the PICU! Mattie received many wonderful balloons from his friends, and he was thrilled to be the proud recipient of all of them. Mattie had two birthday parties last year, one in the hospital on his actual birthday, and one in May with all his friends. I couldn't plan either party. Linda, along with Ann, Ellen, and Christine, took care of the hospital party. Then Christine hosted a "reptiles alive" party for Mattie at her house. Ann arranged for this company to bring all sorts of bugs and creepy crawling things because she knew how much Mattie would love it. Christine's husband, James, even dressed up as a cockroach at the party. Mattie had a fabulous 7th birthday! But honestly I never knew I wouldn't have him here with me this year.
Poem of the day: The Magnificent Seven by Virginia R. Sardi
Sun, moon, stars above the earth so high,
Precious jewels aglow in a heavenly blue velvet sky,
Awake a longing to see your incredible smiling face,
And the unforgettable magnetic essence of your inner grace,
When the wonder of you vanished in thin air leaving not a trace,
Dreams alone seem powerless to capture,
The radiance in life with which you could so magically enrapture,
All who so loved you and watched you fight,
The toughest battle of your life,
Your courage was heroic in the struggle that you endured,
The Mattie Miracle Legend lives and its promise can be assured,
That new research and drugs for the future is insured,
So that other cancer children will live long and have hope of being cured
Contemplating those precious moments spent with you,
Worth more than silver and gold,
Implanted in our hearts,
Forever to cherish, love and hold,
Makes our hearts pursue a thought imaginative and bold,
Let’s reverse the clock, so its magical powers cast a spell,
As our journey begins with the sound of an enchanted bell
Let’s rotate the hour hand backwards on its circular track,
Taking us through time forever going back,
To the days of Mattie Magic in one explosive blast,
Where Mattie time will be made to last and last and last,
For no more like the grains of sand in an hourglass,
Will time vanish as it once did when it went by much too fast
Now at peace, no more pain, frustrations and fears,
Nothing else could ever take your place or dry our endless tears
God granted only the magnificent seven,
Then took our little angel with Him right back to heaven,
On Easter Sunday, the Risen Lord inspires our abiding faith
That we will meet again somewhere again at a future promised date
Until that new beginning, we must learn to cope
Accept our fate and aspire to that elusive but eternal hope
My mom's poem captures all the sentiments of today. Mattie gave us 7 magnificent years, and it is quite painful to accept on his 8th birthday that he is not here with us. We only can hope that he is at peace, not in pain, not missing us, but happy. Easter Sunday is a very meaningful holiday in the Roman Catholic religion, and on some level I can only hope that Mattie's 8th birthday fell on this holiday NOT by coincidence, but perhaps as a symbol that he too has been resurrected. Nonetheless, Peter and I both braced ourselves for a cataclysmic day. We spent the day together, made no phone calls at all, and interacted with no one. I am not sure if this was the best way to spend the day, but it was the way we decided to spend it to survive. Being Easter, we just couldn't handle the festivities associated with the day, the joy on children's faces, the happiness families feel, and all the while quietly managing the despair within our hearts.
I had no real motivation to wake up this morning, but as I was coming into consciousness, I was receiving text messages from Tanja. She was letting me know that her family was on Roosevelt Island and celebrating Mattie's birthday by releasing 8 balloons (1 star happy birthday balloon, 6 red balloons, and 1 yellow balloon for Easter) and then eating vanilla frosted cupcakes (another Mattie favorite). Tanja let me know when she was releasing the balloons so that we could look out our windows and perhaps see them. I was deeply touched by her family's strong desire to remember Mattie, that I got out of bed, looked out the window and continued writing Tanja back and forth for updates. I have included pictures in tonight's blog so you can see the balloon release and as well as the lemonade sale that Ann's children did today to raise money for the Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation. The children raised over $22 selling lemonade, and I was very impressed with their entrepreneurial spirit and also their desire to remember their friend. I must believe in Mattie's death, that his friends are learning on some level that life is precious, and not always a guarantee. In addition, they are learning at a young age, that keeping a memory alive in one's heart and mind takes effort, and through these memories it inspires us all to be better people and to fight for the causes we are passionate about.
I had no real motivation to wake up this morning, but as I was coming into consciousness, I was receiving text messages from Tanja. She was letting me know that her family was on Roosevelt Island and celebrating Mattie's birthday by releasing 8 balloons (1 star happy birthday balloon, 6 red balloons, and 1 yellow balloon for Easter) and then eating vanilla frosted cupcakes (another Mattie favorite). Tanja let me know when she was releasing the balloons so that we could look out our windows and perhaps see them. I was deeply touched by her family's strong desire to remember Mattie, that I got out of bed, looked out the window and continued writing Tanja back and forth for updates. I have included pictures in tonight's blog so you can see the balloon release and as well as the lemonade sale that Ann's children did today to raise money for the Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation. The children raised over $22 selling lemonade, and I was very impressed with their entrepreneurial spirit and also their desire to remember their friend. I must believe in Mattie's death, that his friends are learning on some level that life is precious, and not always a guarantee. In addition, they are learning at a young age, that keeping a memory alive in one's heart and mind takes effort, and through these memories it inspires us all to be better people and to fight for the causes we are passionate about.
Center: Katharina and her mom, Tanja, releasing 8 balloons on Roosevelt Island. Where they were standing, happened to be one of Mattie's favorite places on the boardwalk.
Left: Katharina and Tanja on the bridge leading to Roosevelt Island, holding two of Mattie's favorite things, balloons and vanilla frosted cupcakes
Right: The Lemonade Sale for the Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation. Pictured from left to right is Katharina, Katie (Ann's daughter), Abigail (Ann's daughter), Lexi (a friend of Katie's), and Jackson (a friend of Abigail's)
I am so pleased to hear about all the wonderful forget me not flowers being planted all over the country in Mattie's honor! I thank many of you for writing to me and keeping me posted. My lifetime friend, Karen, wrote to me today and let me know she was planting flowers at her Uncle's house in New Jersey. She told me while planting her teenage cousins (who lost their mom to cancer) were watching her and absorbing what she was doing on Mattie's behalf. They did not say anything, but Karen said these two teens landed up leaving the house for a while. She did not know where they went with their father. When they got back, they told her they went to visit their mother's grave. I was very moved by this story. Through Mattie's birthday memories, this helped these children to stop and realize they missed their mom, and wanted to spend time with her, even if that meant visiting her grave. This story gave me pause, because even in Mattie's death, he is teaching us a lot. He is teaching us to feel, to express these feelings, to understand that there is no greater bond than between a child and a parent, and that this shouldn't be forgotten.
Peter and I planted the 8th set of forget me not seeds today at Huntley Meadows. Mattie loved visiting this wildlife preserve. While walking the park to find the right planting place, we walked along the boardwalk. There was a little girl on the boardwalk with her parents. She must have been about 6. When she saw Peter and I pass, I read her face with excitement. She clearly wanted to show us something. So I walked over, and she showed me a brown water snake slithering by in the vegetation. She was fascinated because it was after a frog. I thanked her for pointing this out to me, and I couldn't help but wonder if Mattie was with me at that moment. He loved snakes mainly because I hated them. He loved scaring me with these kinds of creepy crawling things. We saw many beautiful sights along our walk today from turtles, geese, and ducks. Huntley Meadows is another special find in the Washington, DC area, and we selected a planting place near one of the look out towers that Mattie used to love to climb!
Peter and I had dinner outside on our deck tonight, and while eating, Patches (our calico cat) walked outside and jumped right into Speedy Red. I couldn't get over what I was seeing. When Mattie was in Speedy Red, Patches was deathly afraid of the car. However, Patches felt compelled to check it out and sit inside it tonight. I don't think that was by coincidence. Patches loved Mattie, and she spends most of her days now in Mattie's room sitting on his bed or on his clothes. She realizes that an important member of our family is missing and is trying to understand this in her own way. So all three of us were trying to connect with Mattie in some way today.----------------------------------------------------------------------------
My Dearest Mattie,
It is said that parents love their children right from the moment they are born. However, in your case, our love for you began as soon as we learned we were going to have a baby. In fact, right after seeing your sonogram picture, we felt like proud parents. We posted those pictures everywhere. We shared these pictures with practically anyone who would listen or showed interest, and each September when I taught prenatal development in my undergraduate human development class, out would come your sonogram pictures to illustrate my points. Even my students got a sneak peek at our baby, a baby who would have a profound and meaningful impact on not just his parents but also every community he touched. Daddy and I did not only love you, we FELL IN LOVE with you, and that love grew stronger with each day. Your energy, spirit, love for life, intellectual challenges, sense of humor, and loyalty to your friends and family were only some of the wonderful traits we always admired in you.
It is said that parents love their children right from the moment they are born. However, in your case, our love for you began as soon as we learned we were going to have a baby. In fact, right after seeing your sonogram picture, we felt like proud parents. We posted those pictures everywhere. We shared these pictures with practically anyone who would listen or showed interest, and each September when I taught prenatal development in my undergraduate human development class, out would come your sonogram pictures to illustrate my points. Even my students got a sneak peek at our baby, a baby who would have a profound and meaningful impact on not just his parents but also every community he touched. Daddy and I did not only love you, we FELL IN LOVE with you, and that love grew stronger with each day. Your energy, spirit, love for life, intellectual challenges, sense of humor, and loyalty to your friends and family were only some of the wonderful traits we always admired in you.
This video (the one we showed at Mattie's celebration of life) is a tribute to you and your wonderful, yet short life. It seems fitting as we celebrate you, and say good-bye to your physical presence that I share the story about how you entered the world. The story of your birth had to be one of your most favorite stories to hear, and I found during times when you were reflective, overly tired, or in need of hugs and tenderness, the request for this story arose. In fact, I remember on August 5th, the day we found out that your cancer metastasized everywhere, you and I were sitting in the hospital’s rose garden, and you requested the story. It was almost as if you knew this was going to be a bad day, so in essence we might as well brace ourselves, cuddle, and prepare for this together.
Here is the story I always shared with you. A story Daddy and I will never forget. On April 2, 2002, at 11pm, I decided to head to bed. I was anxiously awaiting your birth, and as your due date approached, I couldn’t help but wonder, when will “the baby” be coming? I was restless and uncomfortable, so while in bed, I began to watch television. I was having trouble concentrating on what I was hearing, mainly because you were kicking up a storm inside of me. At which point, the kicking became so intense, that I literally felt something pop. You clearly wanted OUT, and you were going to kick your way into the world on your terms. Naturally after feeling this pop, I looked down at my tummy, and when I jumped out of bed, I realized my water had broken. This only happens to 25% of moms, and in retrospect, I should have guessed that this was just the beginning of how different our lives were going to be together. I immediately called the doctor and told her what happened. She asked if I was in pain, which I wasn’t, and she instead told me to get a good night’s rest, because my baby was going to be born the following day. Well I can assure you after hearing this news, sleeping was the farthest thing from our minds.
So on April 3, 2002, Daddy and I headed to the hospital and we were admitted to the maternity unit at 8am. The labor process began, but it was a VERY slow process for me, and at times as you moved inside my tummy, Daddy could see your head pushing against my backbone. Needless to say Dr. Mike, the anesthesiologist, became my favorite doctor that day. The hours kept rolling by, and still there was NO sign of our baby! I was getting weaker, I developed an 102 fever, and by 11pm I really had no energy to give birth to you. In addition, to how I was feeling, your oxygen supply was getting cut off, and your chin was positioned in such a way that would make the birthing process almost impossible. So it was at that point that the doctor recommended an emergency c-section. Things began to happen very quickly around me. I was signing paperwork for surgery and Daddy was being transformed by putting on a bunny suit so he could enter the operating room.
I had never been in an operating room before in my life, but I really wasn’t concerned at that point about myself. I was solely focused upon you. I was wide-awake for the c-section, but unable to see the process, which as you know, was probably a good thing. Daddy on the other hand found the whole thing very exciting, and began to videotape and take pictures of the surgery. Literally a team of people surrounded me and I will never forget Dr. Mike, the anesthesiologist who sat by my side, and talked with me and did whatever he could to keep me pain free.
When you have a c-section, your arms are strapped to the operating table, so I couldn’t move, and directly over my head was what appeared to be a rope with a clamp that was holding open my abdominal cavity. Normally by this point I would have passed out, but when it came to you, I developed strength I never knew I had. As the doctor began cutting, and finally got to you, the first thing she said was, “what is this?” That is NOT what you typically hope to hear when having a c-section. The doctor let me know that I had a grapefruit sized tumor on my bladder, and my immediate thought was, did this affect the baby? The next thing I knew, I felt her tugging, and I heard the loudest cry ever. Now here is the part of the story that I know was always your FAVORITE! I would always try to replicate the sound I heard coming from you that day, a sound that will always remain in a parent’s ear. It was a very large WAAHHH! WAAHHH! At which point the doctor told us two things: first, that you were one of the most beautiful babies she had ever seen, and second, that you had quite a set of lungs on you! I concurred with both statements.
The doctor then brought you over to me, and she felt that I needed to be the first person to touch you. So despite my arms strapped to the table, my right hand miraculously reached out and grabbed your tiny, soft, and cute foot. It was a moment I will always cherish, a moment in which I will never forget, and a moment I am so happy you too enjoyed hearing about. Each time I retold the story I felt as if it further bonded us together, and I always enjoyed hearing your comments, thoughts, and reactions to your story.
Seeing you made Daddy very happy! Though he was worried about me, since after the c-section, I had to have bladder surgery to remove the tumor, we both agreed that Daddy should stay with you and accompany you to the nursery. It is there that Daddy got to see you cleaned up, he learned that you weighed 6 pounds and 13 ounces, and that you had high Apgar scores of 8 and 9. Within an instant, Daddy became one of your fiercest protectors, and he cared for you for five days straight while we were in the hospital together. In fact, Daddy is the first person who changed your diaper, and though those were five very challenging days in the hospital, they were days that helped us form our strong family ties. Ties that were imperative and that we relied on for seven years of your life!
Your presence is so greatly missed. Nothing seems the same, is the same, looks, feels, or tastes the same without you in our lives. May you always know that Mommy and Daddy love you, cherish you, and that feeling will remain with us forever and always. Good-bye my Mooshi Moo angel and goodbye Daddy’s best buddy. With love from Una Moon and Daddy!
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I would like to end tonight's posting with 8 messages I received today. The first message is from Mattie's head of St. Stephen's/St. Agnes School, Joan Holden. Joan wrote, "Dear Vicki and Pete, Although it is Easter I know it is also Mattie's birth date. My heart is heavy and I am thinking about you. We all loved him so much."
The second message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I read your comment about the phone with great interest. I am the same way. I would prefer to be with someone or to communicate via the computer. I think may be because we are communicators who depend on body language with voice cues to understand what someone is saying to us. I have great difficulty processing one without the other. If I have neither one, (that is, reading text or email) it is more like reading a personal letter and doesn't bother me. Perhaps it is that way for you as well? I decided to plant my forget me nots under my butterfly bush. I know Mattie loved all sorts of insects and so I thought that would be an appropriate place for his flowers. In addition, I will be sending you a check today for the foundation in honor of his birthday and my father's (may their names be for blessed memories) since they share the day. On this, Easter Sunday and tonight, the start of the last night of Passover, may you find some comfort in these joint holidays of rebirth and renewal. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
The third message is from Brandon's (Mattie's big buddy) mom, Toni. Toni wrote, "We planted our Forget Me Nots while listening to ABBA music! Ashley (Brandon's sister) also planted some flower seeds in New York."
The fourth message is from Tricia's (one of Mattie's favorite HEM/ONC nurses) daughter, Nicole. Nicole wrote, "Happy Birthday Mattie! We all love and miss you so so much especially my mom and dad. We think of you all every day and I read the blog daily. Your mom and dad are making you proud by standing up and fighting against Osteosarcoma."
The fifth message is from a former student and friend of mine, Susan. Susan wrote, "I wanted to let you know I was thinking of you, Peter and Mattie this morning! As I read about your love of gardening, I wish you were available as a landscaper because boy does our back yard need help. Because of this Eric and I were looking at gardening plans from Better Homes and Gardens last night. One of the plans we selected has a type of forget-me-nots in it. I don't necessarily believe in coincidences but rather a type of life force (I call it G-d but whatever appeals to a person) so when I realized there were these flowers in the design, it made me smile. Even when we aren't consciously thinking of Mattie.....there he is, popping up all over."
The sixth message is from a colleague and friend of mine, Sara. Sara wrote, "I know this is a difficult weekend for you. I just want to let you know I am thinking of you and wishing you peace. On this day, a beautiful, wonderful little boy was born and your lives were blessed. I know you had many wonderful times with him, although too few. He is on my mind today, and many days, as are the both of you."
The seventh message is from a former student of mine, Betsy. Some of you may recall that Betsy and I bumped into each other several times this winter at Abigail's ice skating rink. Betsy wrote, "Just wanted to tell you that I'm thinking of you today. I know today is not an easy day. I can't really fathom your heartache. I can only share my thoughts about how Mattie is doing today. I like to think that Mattie is celebrating his birthday in heaven today, on a day that must be a joyful day there already. My hopes are that he is having a great day and while obviously missing you and Peter, he is being made to feel very welcome in his new home. I'm sure he has an enormous group of supporters up there in heaven who have fallen in love with him in the short time he's been there, and are making this day very special for him. In the mean time, know that you will get through today a stronger mom. And even though you probably don't feel very strong, that strength is helping you to continue living and touching others in a special way every day. I'm sending a hug through e-mail, as ridiculous as that sounds, but it's what I wish I could give you today."
The eighth message is from our friend, Tanja. Tanja wrote, "I just wanted to tell you a little bit about our Mattie Birthday trip to Roosevelt Island. We were quite a sight to see. Everybody's eyes followed us and had questions on their faces. One lady asked Tyler if the balloons were for a birthday and he briefly explained to her that they were for a little boy - a dear friend of ours - who passed away of cancer. As you can imagine, she did not expect this answer and did not know how to react. Clearly, Mattie continues to surprise, stun and make people think! As we finally found a spot where we had a clearing to let the balloons fly, we said a loud Happy Birthday Mattie - and released them. Initially, the wind carried them straight to a tree and I was scared that they would get stuck. To my surprise, the balloons navigated through all the branches!!! All of them made it! None of them popped although I was sure they would get stuck or pop. I'm sorry you were not able to see them. But I hope the pictures will speak their own words to you. Also, I wanted to say a few words about the "Forget me not" seeds. These flowers have been my most favorite ones since I was a little child and saw them in my grandmother's garden. I always loved the delicate shape and beautiful tiny petals. What I liked most about them was that they seemed indestructable. I could pick them, create arrangements, braids, etc. and they continued to look gorgeous for a long time. So when you passed out the seeds at Mattie's celebration of life, I could not think of a better flower to remember Mattie - not just because of its name but also for its characteristics of beauty, delicacy and endurance. Another characteristic of them is that they continue to spread .... Once you have planted them, there is no getting rid of them! Even if you rip them out of the ground, the following year you will find new Forget Me Nots in places in you garden where you didn't even plant them. At the end of their blooming time, they have thousands and thousands of tiny seeds that can be easily blown to many different places by the wind. I strongly believe that Mattie's spirit and the story of his life will spread forever just like those flowers. Your Foundation and your dedication to it will spread the word about Osteosarcoma and childhood cancer. You will make a difference and be successful in your goals."
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