Tonight's picture was taken on Halloween of 2008. Our last Halloween with Mattie. Halloween is a HUGE deal at Georgetown University Hospital. That year Mattie was a mummy! He did not plan on this, it just happened. Days before Halloween, Mattie was invited into the clinic earlier than the other kids to look at costumes. Another Foundation provides costumes free of charge to the kids at the Hospital. A very generous and thoughtful gift! Any case, Mattie was in a bit of a state because he was recovering from his first limb salvaging surgery. As such he could barely move his right arm. So he felt self-conscious about this and truly did not even want to go trick or treating, until he found this costume. The key point to this though was that Mattie's child life specialist and art therapists knew he really needed time without the other kids around to look at costumes. If other kids were around, Mattie most likely would have walked away without a costume. He was self conscious about his looks and abilities and also was afraid of other kids bumping into his bandaged arm. I will never forget this forethought and kindness from Mattie's angels (Linda, Jenny, and Jessie). I remember being in the clinic's library and Mattie spotted the mummy costume right away. The beauty of this costume was all its fabric. You couldn't tell Mattie's right arm was wrapped up from surgery when the costume was on!
Quote of the day: One need not be a chamber to be haunted; One need not be a house; The brain has corridors surpassing material place. ~ Emily Dickinson
I love Emily Dickson's quote as it relates to Halloween because what she was telling us is that the recesses of the brain can subject us to very scary things. Things that maybe even scarier than what we see before our eyes. It is an interesting notion that many of us can probably relate to. We all have our own stories, experiences, and memories. For me naturally, the horror within is childhood cancer. I saw the ugly and the gruesome as it related to Mattie's cancer treatment, but as Peter and I say all the time, the physical treatment is ONLY a small aspect of the process. The rest is really quite psychological and it is that piece which takes a hold of you and can alter your daily existence and the rest of your life.
It is hard for me to fathom that today is Halloween, or specifically for us the fifth Halloween without Mattie in our lives. Where we live in DC, we have historically never received a trick or treater at our doorstep. Our complex just doesn't celebrate the occasion, mainly because not many children live around us. I am not sure if this is a curse or a blessing. Would I want to see kids dressed up and would I want to distribute candy? I don't know. I know the first Halloween after Mattie died, I was at my friend's house and together with her mom, we distributed candy to her neighbors. I did just fine with that, but that was years ago, when I was numb and I needed to hold onto someone else's family because it seemed happier and intact. Could I do that now? Since I rarely spend holidays with friends anymore, I have no idea.
My friend in cancer has been talking back and forth with me today about options for Halloween. This is her first Halloween without her son and her son LOVED the holiday. Naturally I have my own lens on grieving, and my situation and experiences may not be helpful to her. I am also almost five years ahead of her on this curve and frankly I wouldn't want to know what I do now back in my first year. It is a journey and literally there is only so much one can absorb at one time during this progression. Yet our friendship is mutually beneficial and we brainstormed the notion of celebrating future Halloweens together, so neither of us would be alone or floundering. What a brilliant idea!
It think it is hard to know how to interact with a parent who lost an only child during Halloween or any holiday for that matter. I have had people say Happy Halloween to me, and honestly my gut reaction is to say...... what is so happy about it?! Those who follow my blog or have some understanding for what it must be like to be childless do not wish me such pleasantries. I find that level of sensitivity quite beautiful and experienced that from several people today in my zumba class. We may have talked about Halloween in general, but no one said... Happy Halloween! Halloween is a holiday truly for children and in a way it is a reminder once again of what is missing in our lives.
I think it is quite ironic though that in a matter of day, hundreds of pounds of candy will be transcending upon me for our Post-Halloween Candy Drive. People are coming out of the woodwork to help with this year's drive and I am getting a bit scared of what the total count will be, since last year's 1000 pound delivery was amazing. Needless to say I am grateful for this generosity and to be able to help families in the hospital! In fact, I received an email yesterday from a woman who had no idea that it was Mattie Miracle who ran the snack cart. When she found out about us and our candy drive, she expressed how she couldn't have survived in the pediatric unit (caring for her child) without the cart. This was a great gift to hear, this is why we have the cart and rely on our supporters to help us keep it stocked.
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