Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2007. This is another favorite photo of Mattie. Peter and I took him to Roosevelt Island that weekend and on our journey Mattie found and brought home this crinkly hedge apple. Of course we had to explore this fruit when it got home, so we cut it open and smelled it and also looked it up on the computer because at the time we had no idea what Mattie found. Nonetheless, we were all intrigued to find out that the fruit had a beautiful citrus fragrance when it was opened. Certainly if I went to Roosevelt Island, I may have observed the fruit, but as an adult, I wouldn't have been so intrigued to pick it up, take it home, and dissect it. That was the beauty of life with Mattie!
Quote of the day: It has been said that time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind protecting its sanity covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone. ~ Rose Kennedy
A friend of mine sent me Rose Kennedy's quote a few days ago. I have posted it on the blog before but each time I see it, it resonates with me. The reason the quote resonates with me is because it was spoken by a woman who lost several of her own children.
I would have to say that time is a mixed blessing. She was correct in that with time, the mind plays tricks on you. Or as she puts it, protects your sanity. I clearly know Mattie died and isn't a part of my life, but the feeling isn't as raw as it used to be. That alone is hard to admit and come to terms with! It isn't as raw because in some cases time enables you to develop walls, barriers, and forms of protection so that you don't live facing the actual reality every minute of the day. In other words protecting YOUR SANITY! Without these mechanisms of protection, I do surmise a parent could literally go crazy.
Yet I would say when I am sick, these defenses become less secure. I have spent the entire weekend at home. I haven't had much energy to move about or even get dressed. This is not my usual mode of operating, so I would imagine when I get to this state, it is scary for Peter. While I was home today, Peter was rehanging two of the large photos of Mattie that hang in our living room. One of the photos in question, is the one I posted to tonight's blog. When I say large, I mean large. It has to be four feet wide and they are framed beautifully. In fact, several large photos were made for us and put on display during Mattie's celebration of life event. After the event, we professionally framed two of these wonderful photos. While I watched Peter rehanging the photos, I couldn't help but watch him and also look at the content of the photos. Seeing Mattie's eyes and just observing him in action in the photo was actually overwhelming. It saddened me and sticking with Kennedy's analogy, it was as if someone accidentally pulled off the scar tissue of a wound.
The uneasy part about grieving is you just never know what will cause the "scar tissue" to be pulled off. The incident or event may change in any given month or year. It is the unpredictable nature of grieving that makes it so hard to cope with at times. All I know is when I am not feeling well, I dwell on Mattie's cancer battle and his death in a more raw way, and of course, who could forget Nurse Patches (our calico cat who died almost a year ago!). In the past, if I wasn't feeling well, my trusty nurse would always be by my side. Which was interesting, since she really responded and preferred Peter. I was considered the help! Yet when I was sick, she stayed very close to me and made sure in her own vocal way that someone was attending to me!
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