Monday, March 24, 2014

Monday, March 24, 2014

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2009. Mattie was in the child life playroom making ice cream. He was wearing a mask that day because his white blood cell counts were low and this was to help protect him from further infection. Personally as a parent I understood the dangers of germs for Mattie, yet I had to balance the dangers with sound decisions about his psychological and social health. Chemotherapy not only kills cancer cells, it also kills our good cells too, the one's that fight off illness. However, there was a problem with further isolating Mattie. He was already isolated enough, more isolation for the sake of protecting him was counter productive for him. Yet what also weighed heavily on my mind was the simple fact that if Mattie got an infection that made him sick, not only could this compromise his health but it could also delay his next round of chemo (which of course could mean that his cancer could take hold and spread). So living with cancer was always an amazing game of odds and risks. Each day, not just on treatment day. I tell you this, because something that looked so fun..... even that I had to think about and assess the pros and cons.


Quote of the day: We shall draw from the heart of suffering itself the means of inspiration and survival. ~ Winston Churchill

I had an appointment with my neurologist today. I haven't seen this doctor since 2010. That is a long time. I will spare you the details as to why I haven't been back in four years, but given my headaches now, I had no other choice. When I met this doctor four years ago, I nick named him "Mr. Personality." I gave him this name not as a compliment but as a sarcastic description for his lack of affect and human connection. Honestly I had very low expectations for today and if it weren't for my internist suggesting I see him, I most likely wouldn't have made the appointment. I am not sure why seeing a neurologist in the Washington, DC area is such a hot commodity, but it is. I know friends of mine who desperately needed to see one and tried all over town to no avail. Many practices aren't taking new patients. So one friend in particular landed up in the emergency room. What a state of affairs. 

Any case, I would consider myself a returning patient, but since I haven't been seen for four years, I am considered a somewhat new patient and had to fill out a ton of forms this morning. Not just any forms, but the bubble type of forms. If I did not have a headache, after the forms, I most certainly did. I guess I have gotten so used to living with chronic intense pain, I down play the problem. Yet when the doctor saw me today, I wasn't expecting his reaction. His reaction was that of concern, he listened (wow, so that is in the play book somewhere!), and he even told me not to minimize my experiences. So by the time I told him the reality of the picture, he said I should have come in sooner. I am so used to having to down play head pain because some many truly gets it. I look fine to most people and seem to act fine, but to him, he could see I wasn't fine. Hallelujah! I experienced him in a totally new light today. 
   

This afternoon, I went to retrieve my friend Mary's bird feeders. My faithful readers may recall that before Mary died, I bought her two bird feeders with a plant stand and placed them outside her window. I moved these feeders and stand to my home today. It now resides in my commons area. In between the trees that Peter planted with Mattie. When Peter and Mattie planted these trees years ago, they were tiny things. Now some of them are over my head. Needless to say, I snapped this photo from my desk which sits by Mattie's window. The sparrows have already found Mary's feeders and are happily eating away. Now when I look out onto our commons garden area, I think of Mattie and Mary.