Saturday, June 11, 2016

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2006..... Mattie was walking along the Roosevelt Island boardwalk. A place we would visit often on the weekends! It is hard to believe that so much greenery and wildlife exists just minutes from our home. It was a place Mattie loved exploring and he never came home empty handed.... rocks, leaves, and branches were Mattie's typical finds. 

Quote of the day: Loneliness leads to nothing good, only detachment. And sometimes the people who most need to reach out are the people least capable of it. ~  Jane Espenson

Today we attended a high school graduation ceremony and party. However, unlike the previous graduation I attended on Tuesday, this one was held at Mattie's school. It is a very surreal experience to witness the process of graduation at your son's school and yet we know that in 2020, when the rest of Mattie's class will graduate.... he will not! Why did we go to today's graduation? To support our friend whose daughter was graduating. Ironically we know many families, teachers, and administrators at the school, and keep in mind that Mattie only attended kindergarten there! He did not have the opportunity to be a part of that school community for years. 

Tonight's quote is somewhat apropos because loneliness does lead to detachment, especially when you deem yourself as different from other people who happen to be parents. It is a constant struggle to figure out how much I want to be a part of this world, share in other people's joys and happiness, without doing myself in? I want to be supportive of others and share in their lives and usually put that desire over my own needs. Mainly because my own needs are not really understood and I am always cognizant of the fact that the world doesn't revolve around my own needs.

However, I do think that given my life experiences, it clouds my impression and perception of things. For example, people may appreciate certain aspects of a graduation ceremony that mean NOTHING TO ME! I find I need to hear words and sentiments that reflect real world challenges and obstacles, values that pertain to helping others and being a responsible citizen. Otherwise such occasions seem to be unmemorable and lack meaning and depth. 

After today's festivities, we came home and we literally needed to clear our heads and go for a walk. Despite the heat and humidity!

While out, we saw Mattie Moon.

When you lose a child to cancer, it can be hard to know how to react at graduations and milestone moments for our friends.  Clearly we want to be happy for friends, yet it is hard not to feel personal pain at the same time.

We do not have the gift of Mattie with us, but instead we turn to nature to find him..... we see him when we look at the moon, walk along the water and pass boats (a Mattie favorite), or anytime we see a turtle or duck.

This turtle was out basking in the sunshine, but we felt he had one eye tuned to us.