Saturday, November 2, 2024

Saturday, November 2, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2007. Mattie was five years old. I know this path well! It is on Roosevelt Island in Washington, DC. A place we traversed almost each weekend, regardless of the weather. After Mattie died, this park became a very healing and therapeutic place for us. It wasn't far from home, we were surrounded by greenery, and it made us feel closer to Mattie. No trip to the Island was complete without Mattie finding something to take home.... a leaf, acorn, or branch. We had quite a collection going at one time. 

Quote of the day: Let’s face it, when you are heartbroken, you do not make the best decisions, and the decisions you make now will affect the rest of your healing journey. ~ Tatiana Jerome

It has been a terrible day. While my dad was in his physical therapy session at home, I started doing chores. Every three months, I am required to flush out our back up sump pump. Given that I just installed this a few months ago, I am following the manufacturer's requirements, otherwise they will not honor the warranty. The system was flushed out in August, by my plumber. I watched Cody in August and took notes. 

This morning, I text messaged Cody and told him, I was going to attempt this on my own. He stood available, to help me virtually. He is a peach! I can't tell you how much I love all our service providers, because I know if I have problems, they will come and assist me. 

To flush the sump pump, I had to first sweep up all the leaves to our outdoor basement staircase. Then I had to get our garden hose, drag it down the stairs, and turn the water on, so that there was a constant flow to the drain by the basement door. Then I went inside and had to stop the main sump pump, and then start the back up sump. I wasn't sure I was doing this correctly, so I periodically text messaged Cody photos. Turns out I did it correctly and Cody said to me that today I officially became a plumber. He had me laughing. 

After that chore, I then lifted a 44 pound of salt and added it to our water softener barrel in the basement. Truly I could have stopped there, because I already was frazzled at that point. But this morning while showering my dad, I noticed that his glass shower door was coming loose from its hinge. This is a major safety concern, because my dad holds onto the door handle to get into the shower. So I knew I had to figure this out today. I watched several YouTube videos and then went at it. 

This process took me two hours. If I ever do this again, I am locating Peter's electric screwdriver. Trying to remove long screws from this hinge practically did me in. I worked so hard, that I made myself ill. My head was spinning and I was about to vomit.

The reassembled and tightened hinge!!!

Basically I had to remove the hinge from the wall. Then I had to find Allen wrenches to tighten the screws inside this metal hinge. All while making sure the door didn't fall and crack. Then I had to rehang the door. Finding the correct sized Allen wrench was another nightmare, because unlike Peter, I don't know where any of the correct tools are located. By the time I was done, I was bordering on unstable. 

I had to take anti-nausea meds and lie down. YES lie down. If I am lying down by day, that tells you that I had a very serious problem. While lying down, Indie came on the bed with me and was my constant companion. What a good girl.

I eventually got up and took my parents out to eat. I wasn't cooking and they wanted to get out of the house. Funny story. While at the restaurant, which has VERY high ceilings, me and another customer noticed a mouse walking around on the ceiling molding. Both of us mobilized. Mind you this is a very clean restaurant, so this was shocking. The manager handled it very, very well. She comped our entire meal. Because the ceilings are at least 20 feet high and there was no way that mouse was coming near us, we continued eating. By that point, I was starving, had a wild headache, and there was no way I was moving my parents, as getting them from point A to point B is a feat. 

The highlight of my day, was I received flowers from my Goddaughter's mom and dad. They know the hell I have been living with and they wanted to show their support, given that they know how I feel about getting divorced. 

Friday, November 1, 2024

Friday, November 1, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2002. Mattie was seven months old. I started Mattie on books very early, practically the moment he was born. He heard me reading stories. As you can see, Mattie was fascinated by the pictures and colors. I was fascinated by him and loved those sweet cheeks!

Quote of the day: 

Sadness came to tea last night
as she’s often done before
but I didn’t let her in this time
I stopped her at the door
“I’m off to meet with friends”, I said
“your timing isn’t right
I can’t allow your atmosphere
it’s not the place tonight”
but sadness wouldn’t take the hint
her manners lack finesse
her pace was slow and heavy
yet she kept up nonetheless
and even when I took my place
amongst my laughing friends
she squeezed herself right in-between
her boldness never ends
and I was sure my friends would see
this spectre at the feast
and somehow think me lesser
for inviting such a beast
but no, their warmth was undeterred
as if nothing was new
I think perhaps they know by now
I sometimes come as two
and even sadness seemed to glow
a lighter shade of grey
to know that she’s accepted
seemed to lighten up her day
so let your sad accompany you
don’t think her hard to bear
no need to face her all alone
just pull an extra chair. ~ Donna Ashworth

I want to thank Chris for sending me tonight's quote! We are blog friends and are bonded over the loss of our children. This is a fascinating poem because it describes the weight and heaviness of living with sadness. As it aptly highlights, loss and sadness walk with us, or as she says.... I sometimes come as two. 

We may try to hide this pain and this sadness, but unfortunately like a bad penny.... it is always in circulation. It truly becomes hard to function in the world around people we deem as "normal." People who are living life without pain, loss, and trauma. I give the poem author credit, because she tries to go out and interact with others, and therefore feels that her friends not only can handle her sadness, but are ready to pull up an extra chair because they know sadness is a part of their friend. 

Yesterday I found out that I was divorced! I learned this from my attorney, who apparently learned this from Peter's attorney. It is an interesting way of finding out that your life has been changed for you.... through an email! I had no idea that a final order of divorce was written, processed, and finalized. Last I knew, our two complaints for divorce were going to be consolidated today in court. So you can imagine my surprise, that not only had that happened already, but I was divorced. Seems fitting, given how this whole process has unfolded. 

Getting divorced on Halloween seems perfect! In my house there is no time for a pity party. There is no time to process and feel anything, because I am inundated with tasks. Being that it was Halloween last night and it was a glorious weather evening, I opened our front door, had my mom sit by the door, and we greeted every trick or treater. We did this for about two hours. 

We met many lovely kids of all ages. Each one greeted us and don't you know it.... I took a poll on favorite candies. To my surprise, it was candy corn and lollipops! STUNNED! One kid was so excited that we had little bags of candy corn, he was practically dancing!!!! 

Miss Indie was intrigued! She stood by the door with us and was checking out all the action. Highly unusual for Indie, who is typically afraid of her own shadow. Most likely she loved the front door being open, smelling the breezes, and if left unchecked, would have escaped outside. 

See these two orange costumes!? I called these kids, the two carrots! 

This one was hysterical... a scorpion! 

We had three kids dressed up as bananas! Never saw a banana costume before! Any case, all of these kids were a major diversion last night from how I was feeling. 

This morning, after I dropped my dad off at his memory care center, I had to take Indie to the vet for her annual physical. It is hard to believe that I did this last November, and a year has already passed. Not sure how that has happened, but I do know it has been a complete blur. Peter typically handled Indie's vet appointments and since she was "his cat," they were the two who were bonded with each other. I assembled Indie's cat box a few days ago and hid it in my closet, up on a shelf. If she sees this box, she gets anxious. I planned everything accordingly this morning, so it was easy for me to pick her up and put in the carrying box. Indie wasn't happy, but she was a good girl. She did not fight me like Patches (our former cat) would most definitely had done. 

But here's the kicker. When I got to the clinic and in an exam room, both the tech and the vet said to me.... YOUR CAT LOVES YOU! I am not sure why that surprised me! Maybe because I viewed Sunny as my guy and Indie as Peter's. But with Peter gone, Indie relies on me for everything. Smart girl! The vet says that it is unusual for a cat to purr while being examined. But she was purring loudly, while I was petting her. Any case, Miss Indie got a clean bill of health, got her nails trimmed, and even pooped on the vet (yes, a first for the vet).

As most people know, I rarely do much socially now. I just can't handle it. But one of my favorite students was in town and my mom and I went out to lunch with Ariel. Ariel is a pediatric nurse and I have always been so proud of her career decision and accomplishments. 

The last time I saw Ariel was in 2009, when Mattie died. Yet we have never lost touch with each other and I credit that greatly to Ariel. She brought us this beautiful chocolate babka from New York City and she treated us to lunch. Such a special person and I take this as a great compliment as an educator to have this long standing connection. 

Close up of the babka! It is so light and tasty, we all loved it tonight after dinner. 

Thursday, October 31, 2024

Thursday, October 31, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken on Halloween of 2008. This was our last Halloween with Mattie. He did trick or treating at both the hospital and at his friend, Zachary's house. I will never forget how Mattie chose this costume. His art therapists had Mattie come into clinic, when it was closed. Mattie got to go through each costume and decided that he wanted this one! When we asked him how he chose this one, he said that the costume covered his bald head and you couldn't tell that his arm was bandaged from surgery. So in essence he felt like he looked like any other kid when wrapped up as a mummy. I will always be grateful to Mattie's art therapists, who were so compassionate and understood that there would have been no way Mattie would have picked out a costume when other children were around. 

Quote of the day: There is always a lesson of a lifetime to learn in every betrayal. ~ Edmond Mbiaka

As if my life wasn't already a complete disaster. I got an email from my attorney today, and I am now officially divorced. Nothing about my divorce process has been normal and at every stage of the process, so much of it has been out of my control. Which is never a good feeling. Nothing was decided together, in fact, once Peter walked out of me, that was it. No phone calls, no visits, and hardly a response to an email or text message. It is as if he closed the door on his previous life, and has moved into a completely NEW WORLD. You would think that a year into this separation, I would feel more stable, happier, and more secure. I feel none of these. 

Wednesday, October 30, 2024

Wednesday, October 30, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2002. This was Mattie's first Halloween. He was six months old and even back then pumpkins fascinated him. I will never forget that moment in time and thought we'd have a lifetime of Halloweens together. 

Quote of the day: 

Time does not bring relief; you all have lied
 Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,
And last year’s leaves are smoke in every lane;
But last year’s bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide.
There are a hundred places where I fear
To go,—so with his memory they brim.
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, “There is no memory of him here!”
And so stand stricken, so remembering him. ~  Edna St. Vincent Millay

I got up at 5:30am today because I had to juggle a generator inspection, getting my dad up, showered, dressed, and to his memory care center, and I needed to hop on a conference call at 10am. That may not sound bad, but I find the constant pressure of managing everyone's schedule overwhelming. At one time, Peter used to help me transport my dad back and forth and with other chores. Now I manage the tasks of five people alone. 

Next week, I have been invited to participate on a panel presentation with two other non-profit leaders. I will have the opportunity to highlight Mattie Miracle (virtually) to one of our community sponsors and their members. Today's 10am call was a logistics meeting and technology check. I have to tell you, doing anything by computer makes me very nervous, because Peter used to be my tech support. Nonetheless, it was a positive call today and I feel better prepared for next week. But I have to admit, it is heart breaking not to be sharing this virtual platform with my other half. Mattie Miracle was something that I thought always united us and our commitment to Mattie's legacy was a shared passion. 

The generator inspection did not happen until 11:30am. That was only because I called to complain and spoke to the company's electrical manager. I had a lovely conversation with Jake and he understood that I was promised a visit between 8am and 10am. Any case, in the process, I got an education about my generator from Jake and the person who serviced the generator also walked me through the process and now I know how to manually turn on the generator if I should need it. I have gone from the person who knew nothing, to the person who knows as much as possible about the house. 

Later today, after I took my mom out and picked my dad up at his memory care center, my goal was to do some continuing education work. FORGET IT! It was a national catastrophe in my house.... the TV wasn't working. I tried unplugging the cable box, I checked our fuse box to see if any circuits were tripped, and I rebooted the router/modem. Nothing worked. I could tell all of this was making my parents anxious. So I called Verizon. All I know is for the most part, every time I call Verizon, I have lovely people helping me. 

My Verizon tech was on the phone with me for an hour. He tried and tried to get our cable box to work. While talking with him, I text messaged our Verizon local service rep. He is a love, who was kind enough to give me his cell phone number. I text messaged him the problem and he instructed me to get a service ticket started, to give him the number, and he would be over my house tomorrow to correct the problem. However, it turns out that we were able to solve the problem remotely. Truly it felt like I had walked through quicksand, that is how stressed out all of this makes me. It is incredible pressure to be managing the impossible alone. 

The highlight of my day was receiving this beautiful gift from my cousin Cheryl. Don't you just love these handcrafted sunflowers? I love them and they are out on display near Mattie's Mr. Sun painting. Sunflowers are the ultimate symbol of love and support and as I told Cheryl, she is one of my cherished sunflowers. 

Of course anyone who knows me knows..... I am all about the tea and chocolate! This gift couldn't have come at a better time, because this week, I reached a new level of hopelessness. 

Tuesday, October 29, 2024

Tuesday, October 29, 2024 -- Mattie died 786 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2007. Mattie was five years old. That day, he went to his elementary school's fall event. Mattie had an incredible time with his two close friends. They did every activity possible, including face painting and press on tattoos. Not to mention moon bounces and things. It was in that moment in time, that I forgot all about Mattie's challenging preschool years and sensory integration issues. He was happy, he made amazing friends, and we felt a part of his school community. I thought we would have many more fall events together. This was the first and last fall event we attended at his school, because the following year Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. 

Quote of the day: Don’t let the scars on your heart define the way you love. ~ Laura Chouette

I rarely wake up and remember my dream. I chalk it up to being too exhausted. But last night, I had a distinctive dream and Peter was in it. In my dream, I turn over in bed, and there he was. But not the Peter he has become, but the Peter he has always been. In the dream, he starts telling me about problems he has found around the house and how he is actively working on fixing them. Even within my dream, I could feel my utter confusion such as...... how could this really be Peter, when he left me over a year ago? The brain is a fascinating organ, because it works hard even in our sleep to try to help us make sense of the things actively happening in our lives. The dream felt so real that I woke up and wondered..... will any of ever see the real Peter again?

The morning was stressful. I think the emotional toll of what is happening to my marriage has gotten to my mom. She could hardly get it together by noon today. In the midst of balancing their needs, the construction project next door to me was over the top. The was traffic in the cul de sac and items all over my lawn. Not to mention that the crew placed garbage bins on the grass. Given how hard it is to grow and maintain grass, seeing bins on top of grass makes me upset. I literally went outside and grabbed the bins and moved them myself. The construction crew was just looked at me. How I kept it together is beyond me, but there is very little regard for those of us living around this project.

This afternoon, I took my parents out. My mom requested we go out to lunch at the Cheesecake Factory. So I made a reservation. When we got there, my mom told me she did not mean this restaurant. She meant somewhere else. However, I already got my dad out of the car and practically in the restaurant. When we sat down, my mom realized she left her phone at home. You would have thought this was a national crisis. She got very upset and despondent. It was so bad, that I literally was ready to get back in the car, race home and get her phone. Instead, I gave her my phone, which occupied her for a bit of time. I have so much going on with my life, that keeping track of her phone isn't my top priority. It is no wonder at every turn this week, I am faced with a panic attack.

What I realize is my mom needs the same sort of support as my dad. So now I have to go through a check list with her before leaving the house. Some days I want to scream, because my dad is more than a bundle. I manage everything for him, and I am not far behind on managing everything for her as well. 

After we got back from the restaurant, I got my dad situated in his chair. Want to know his first question to me? When are we going out to the Cheesecake Factory?! REALLY!???? Yes that is how bad his memory is, and he has no sensation of having a full stomach either. 

Monday, October 28, 2024

Monday, October 28, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2007. Mattie was five years old and as you can see we went to another Fall Festival. This was what our weekends used to look like, pre-cancer. In many ways, I was living out a second childhood with Mattie. Things that I never did, we did with Mattie. Not because I wanted to do these things, but because these were things Mattie gravitated to. So he pushed me out of my comfort zone and I learned to spend a lot of time OUTSIDE. Mattie was all about fresh air, freedom, and nature. 

Quote of the day: Hearts live by being wounded. ~ Oscar Wilde

This morning, after dropping my dad off at his memory care center, and getting my mom situated with her physical therapist, I drove into the city. I had my six month dental appointment. The only time I am alone is when I am having a medical procedure, test, or doctor's appointment. Who knew that these things could have such positive consequences on one's mental health. 

My dental hygienist is a love. She is older than me and went through her own divorce years ago. She knows I am my parents' caregiver, and she knows them personally as she cleans their teeth too! So when I come into the treatment room, she puts pillows behind my neck and under my knees, she lowers the lights, and puts on rat pack music. She does this because she calls this my "spa day!" She gets it! You maybe asking yourself.... why the rat pack? After all they were way before my time!

My dad's brother, lived in Florida. He loved this music and would have it blaring around his house all day long. You know with records and a record player! When I was a teenager and visiting him, you can imagine, that I was perplexed by his music choices. I also thought to myself.... wow he is stuck in a time warp. Now that I am much older, I have a much greater appreciation for his musical choices. So when Annie puts on the rat pack, I am transported back to my childhood, I remember family connections, the happier times, and for the hour I am in that treatment room, I put my heartache on hold. 

A new feature in the treatment room, are cartoons on a screen. Occasionally I would look over at them. Next time I have to snap a photo. I downloaded this one off the internet, but they were whimsical like this! 

Today was x-ray day. Not one of my favorite days. As soon as Annie told me this, she could see my unhappiness about this, as she knows I feel great stress over balancing all of our finances. Make a long story short, Annie threw in my bite wing x-rays and the gel I use to manage gum sores. I was preparing for a $500 to $700 bill. It was NO where near that today thanks to the kindness of my amazing hygienist. In addition, when I was examined by my dentist, he committed his practice to donate to Mattie Miracle. So overall, it was a positive visit, and I am grateful for the thoughtfulness and compassion of so many people in my life. 

Sunday, October 27, 2024

Sunday, October 27, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2007. Mattie was five years old. We carved a pumpkin together, put a candle inside of it, and Mattie was posing with his creation. Mattie loved everything pumpkin, and as a result, pumpkins became a big deal to me. This year, I was in no mood to decorate, but in honor of Mattie, I did get a big pumpkin and it sits on our front door step. 

Quote of the day: A heartbreak is a blessing from God. It’s just his way of letting you realize he saved you from the wrong one. ~ Anonymous

I came across this quote tonight and all I can say is REALLY?? I love when people generate platitudes to help ease or explain the unexplainable. What I do know is trite or dismissive statements, when I am distraught further add to my pain. But to tie heartbreak to God is a new one for me. I do not link heartache, blessings, and God together. 

It was another winner of a day. I am filled with anxiety and can feel panic taking over. When this happens, I know I have to MOVE. I trimmed more bushes, then cleaned windows, and began scrubbing my fieldstone walkways. They are covered in algae and muck. I can see it is going to be a long process to get this clean and because of the expansive nature of our walkways, I most likely will need to turn to a professional because these stones need to be cleaned and sealed. 

In between this chore, I also did a clean up from the construction site I live next door to, as there were food containers, paper towels, and trash all within our bushes. If you haven't put two and two together, I am a very type A person and when it comes to cleanliness, my tolerance is low for trash, debris, and mess. 

I would say that this weekend I hit a low. Each day is filled with the same nightmare of tasks and heartache, with no end in sight. I just never thought that I would ever be faced with getting divorced and certainly not after a 35 year long relationship. Nothing makes sense to me any longer.