Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2005. Mattie was turning three years old. For the first three years, we had all of Mattie's parties in our home. That year we had a Blues Clues party, as Mattie was in love with that TV character. Just like on the show, we had a treasure hunt to find clues so we could guess what Blue (a puppy) was thinking about! I also remember getting these great cakes for Mattie at a pastry store in Silver Spring, MD. Basically that store could design whatever themed cake you wanted and besides the cake looking wonderful, it also tasted great. We thought there would be many more parties in the future.
Quote of the day: If it were not for hopes, the heart would break. ~ Thomas Fuller
On Thursday, Peter and I are leaving for Florida. We decided years ago to remove ourselves from DC around Mattie's birthday. We initially decided to do this for self preservation purposes. For as time moves on, so do people, and I can see that Mattie is no always on the minds of those who knew him. It is a sad reality. Mattie died at age 7. For many of his friends they really do not have a solid memory of him or their friendship. Though I recognize Mattie's friends from school they no longer recognize me. Not because I have changed in appearance but because we came into their lives when they were too young.
I wonder at times what is worse, losing a young child in elementary school or losing a child who is in high school? A rather crazy question I know, because the response is...... both are bad. But I do think by high school, teens have a memory and they have friendships independent of their parents. It would be nice to have Mattie's friends as passionate as we are at keeping his memory alive.
Which is why, we leave town. I am not sure what I expect otherwise. But I do know there are no parties, and no fun attached to April 4th. If Mattie were alive today, he would be turning 16 next week. It is a hard number to grapple with, especially since out of those 16 years, we only spent 7 with Mattie. Mattie has been gone more years than he was alive. Another sobering reality and though I am sure it is hard to nurture a teenager who is alive, it is even harder to nurture a child who no longer physically exists.
Along with all these feelings I have, I can also become angry and resentful. I can get edgy when hearing about my friends' children..... their happenings, their thoughts about college, and the list goes on. Part of me wishes not to hear about these updates. Which isn't practical as this is part of friendship, and yet in the back of my mind I always wonder..... why Mattie? Why can't we be having these normal developmental conversations? I don't seem to be able to give up asking the 'why' questions regardless of the number of years that have passed.
So to the outsider observing us..... going away in April, seems like a nice vacation. Absolutely, it is a good change of scenery, but we aren't going away for vacation. In a way, it is going away for mental sanity and a diversion, while ultimately facing the inevitable..... another year without Mattie and all that comes with that.
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