Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2009. Next to Mattie was the Lego kit he and Peter worked on for about a day and a half. The Taj Mahal was a favorite of Mattie's and to this day it remains in our living room. Legos were truly therapeutic tools for us that also provided diversions from living in cancer 24/7.
Quote of the day: The more you've struggled to heal and love yourself, the more inspiring your story will be to others when you come out the other side full of triumph, awareness, and honor. Don't give up. Your struggle today is the source of your wisdom tomorrow. ~ Vironika Tugaleva
I would say that ten years into the grief journey, I have learn a lot. Which maybe why my highs and lows along the way, don't startle me now as they once did. At one time, if I had a low day, drowning in feelings about Mattie's death and how my life has changed..... I would worry that there would be no way out of it. That I would remain stuck or further plummet down a hole. But what I found was that my feelings would lighten and evolve, and perhaps something else would divert my attention from our family issues. A family that has forever changed, cut down from 3 to 2.
You would think after a decade of facing this, that these erratic feelings would dissipate and perhaps just go away. They don't! They don't for me and they don't for all the other parents I know who have lost children to cancer. Why? I surmise because with each milestone and developmental change in our own lives, we are forced to face the reality of being childless. Old wounds reopen! Mattie's death certainly has consequences on our future. Some subtle.... what will holidays be like in the future, to more profound changes..... such as there is nothing that ties us to being in our home or even in Washington, DC anymore. Aspects of grief are not always rational, but I assure you it is easy to spin way out of control. Which is why I learned when feeling overwhelmed, I make no major decisions.
I would say living life without Mattie is not how we saw our future. Yet we once had a child. We were once parents and our child connected us to friends. Friends who all have children, and of course it is natural everyone talks about their children. Whether small or young adults! It makes sense to chat about one's children! Yet it also makes sense that hearing about other children all the time can be challenging and wearing on us emotionally. Truly no one wins from a social standpoint with child grief, as we don't know how to interact with our friends and our friends with children don't know how to deal with us. A big quandary that has been one consistent truth in this decade long journey..... childhood cancer has affected our relationships with others!
Being a mental health professional by training, you would think I would advocate for therapy and counseling support for all bereaved parents. Certainly there are benefits to talking to a trained third party. But I can also appreciate why this support fails many of us. Time and time again. Our society as a whole handles grief terribly, but the grief associated with child loss seems beyond the level of comprehension. In addition, sharing our story about Mattie and the ramifications on our lives takes courage and stamina. All attributes I conserve for myself, not someone else. At the end of the day, no therapist, no doctor, NO ONE is going to be able to help us cope with our grief, other than ourselves. A rather sobering reality which is why I always say that childhood cancer is not for the meek.
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