Tonight's picture was taken on August 22, 2009. Mattie was home for a brief time from the hospital and that evening he lost his front tooth. In the middle of coping with cancer, we had several developmental milestones like loose teeth and visits from the tooth fairy. We celebrated all those moments! Before Mattie was diagnosed, we bought a tooth fairy box in Florida together. We used it for all his baby teeth. Mattie had a deal with the tooth fairy. He did not want money, but instead would write her a note and tell her what he was hoping for. The requests ranged from a hotwheel car to even a necklace made out of pasta.
Quote of the day: And in a very real sense, our world is changed the moment a loved one dies because each person we love makes up a precious and vital piece of our world. At such a challenging time, we need to be patient with the chaos we are now enduring both inside us and around us. ~ Carol Staudacher,
I had the opportunity to talk with someone today who is from another Country. Her father died two years ago and she and her family appear to be grieving differently. It concerned her that she cries at sad movies and still thinks about her dad, whereas others in the family seem to be happier and aren't crying. She gave me an example about a movie they were recently watching together and apparently she was the only one who found the content sad, reminded her of her dad and her family. She wanted to know why others weren't moved by this movie and weren't crying?
Many questions and many concerns. Not knowing her family makes it hard to provide suggestions and thoughts on this as her friend, but I can surmise why there maybe differences based on the information she has shared with me over the years. Why am I mentioning this? Well her dialogue today sparked my own experiences with grief. We all are impacted by the loss of a loved one in different ways and how we manage the loss also differs by person. Yet when overwhelmed by feelings it is hard to step back and have perspective. The immediate reaction is..... 'something is wrong with me? No one else around me is acting or feeling this way!'
Peter and I went through this very same feeling, early on in our grief journey. While one of us was fine, the other was a mess. I wanted to be around children Mattie's age and Peter did not want any part of it (I say that, but unfortunately I put Peter in such situations). At first this was off putting as a couple, because the natural reaction 'is why aren't you feeling this way too?!' We got down to the point of not understanding one another and being perplexed, until we really talked this through and agreed that we both are dealing with the tragedy of Mattie's death. But we are different people and therefore though married and Mattie's parents, we won't be feeling the exact same thing or reacting the exact same way on any given day. That doesn't mean we aren't both grieving, we were, but we needed to cope with the loss in our own manner. Once we got on board with appreciating these differences, we did a much better job at navigating the journey together. Which is good, since it is a lifelong journey.
My friend's story today reminded me of my own struggles and the fact that society has a mindset that grieving looks a certain way. If you aren't emoting, then surely something isn't right with you, and you need help. Actually I would beg to differ. Emoting comes with more time and more comfort with living with the loss. In the beginning (and the beginning time span can look different for each person), being numb and having a flat affect about the loss are nature's way of protecting us. After an unexpected or traumatic loss, just meeting one's physical/basic needs consumes all the energy one can muster in a given day. The emotional work comes much later, but when it does, wow..... I remember wishing for the days of being numb again.
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