Tonight's picture was taken on November 10, 2008. Which was actually two days before his first limb salvaging surgery. Mattie was in the clinic and hanging out by the art table. His art therapists helped him print out a photo of a roach! Mattie knew I hated roaches, which may have been one of the main reason he was so enamored by them. Keep in mind Mattie never saw a live roach. Yet check out this impish smile as he was showing me his print out. Priceless!
Quote of the day: Many times, people in their anxiety will say silly, inappropriate things. Often, people fall back on clichés and trite comments in an attempt to comfort people in grief, many of which diminish the loss, and cause unintended pain. Some phrases to avoid: everything happens for a reason; God wouldn’t give you more than you can handle; what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger; at least they lived a good life. ~ Dr. Alan Wolfelt
Recently my friend and colleague, Lisa, sent me an article by email entitled, "What to say when someone dies." I attached a link to the article below in case you wanted to read it for yourself. It is actually an article worth reading as the author asked grief advocates, therapists, and other experts for their advice on how to support friends and loved ones when someone dies.
Much of what was captured in the article resonated with me, especially the importance of NOT walking away. This "checking in" doesn't mean you reach out to a bereaved friend the day after the funeral. Instead the article highlights the importance of long term check ins, as for many of us grief is a forever journey. The article discusses phone calls, email messages, attending funerals, offering help, and not worrying about getting the words 100% correct. I do realize that sometimes it is easier to avoid a bereaved person because you just don't know what to say. I can't tell you how many people still turn the other way when they see me coming. Not just after Mattie died, but this continues now even a decade later. Needless to say this is painful to experience on top of the death of Mattie.
The article did say two things that caught my attention. The first was that it encouraged readers to attend funerals to show support for those left behind. It went on to say that we will "always remember the people that do, in fact, show up." I can safely say that I remember Mattie's funeral, speaking at it, and the mass. But if you asked me to remember who came to the funeral, I can't! Unfortunately we also had a sign in book, but most people did not use it.
The article also talks about sending something practical like a "book on grief" to those of us left behind. I can't tell you how many books I received after Mattie died. I had quite a collection and I DIDN'T like any of them! In fact, receiving these books irritated me to no end. Mainly because I wanted to know if people thought the answers to my problems could be found in a book? Were solutions going to jump off the pages to help me? I realize some people do turn to books for support, guidance, and perhaps to know that others out there feel the same way we do. I wasn't one of those people and therefore, you will never find me recommending or doling out grief books to ANYONE. Which is why I would be hesitant to recommend this as a gift, unless you really knew the recipient well.
So what is appropriate to say to someone who is grieving? Well what I do know is there are no magic words, so sincerity is most important. Like so many articles, this article looks at grief from a more immediate/acute standpoint. Basically shortly after a person dies. But what happens to people like me months and years later? I assure you it is important to know how to talk to long term grievers, though I admit with time we do develop more coping mechanisms and also gain experience handling all sorts of comments that come our way. Yet we face new losses associated with the original loss each and every day, month, and year. That said, I don't think you are going to find a similar article on how to communicate with friends living with lifelong grief. It's not an upbeat subject or one society necessarily wants to explore.
What to Say When Someone Dies
https://www.thecut.com/article/what-to-say-when-someone-dies.html?utm_source=pocket-newtab
No comments:
Post a Comment