A day NEVER to be forgotten, July 23, 2008! A day that changed our lives FOREVER! Twelve years ago today, Mattie was diagnosed with Osteosarcoma (bone cancer). July 2008, Mattie was enrolled in a tennis camp. A week into the camp, Mattie complained of arm pain. We figured he sprained something or had a sore muscle from holding the tennis racket.
While enrolled in camp, I attended a conference in San Diego. Each night while I was away I checked in with Peter and I continued to hear that the arm pain wasn't getting better. Before leaving San Diego, I made a doctor's appointment to take Mattie in the day after I landed back home.
Fortunately Mattie's pediatrician took our complaints seriously, as I told her the issue had been going on for two weeks, with no improvement. From the doctor's office, we walked over to Virginia Hospital Center for x-rays. I admit that I got very frustrated with the radiology tech, because what I deemed should be an easy x-ray process turned into an hour fiasco.
After the x-rays were taken, the tech told me to go to a waiting room. I will NEVER forget this room. Mattie and I walked into a room filled with adults. NO hospital representative was in the room, only patients and ONE phone. We sat down and within five minutes the phone rang. NO ONE went to answer the phone, it just kept on ringing. So I decided to pick it up. On the other end was the radiologist, who asked for Mattie Brown's mom. When I told him I was Mattie's mom, he then said I needed to go right back to the pediatrician's office.
I said, ABSOLUTELY NOT! I wasn't leaving that room until he told me what he saw on those x-rays. He did not want to tell me, but I forced it out of him. So I heard that Mattie had osteosarcoma over the phone, surrounded by a group of strangers and Mattie staring at me. I tried not to sound alarmed but it's a bit hard after hearing...... your child has cancer.
July 23, 2008, was my first experience with medical trauma, and unfortunately that was just one of many traumas we experienced as a family. You maybe asking what's with these photos and the Christmas lights in July? Mattie requested that we take all our Christmas lights out on diagnosis day. He did not understand cancer, but he knew enough to know that something was very wrong and that the bright lights of Christmas may help lift all our spirits. The beauty of Mattie Brown..... you are dearly missed.
Quote of the day: Today's coronavirus update from Johns Hopkins.
- number of people diagnosed with the virus: 4,021,053
- number of people who died from the virus: 143,967
It is hard to imagine that today marks the 12th anniversary of Mattie's cancer diagnosis. It is a day none of us will forget ever. Who would ever expect a healthy six year old to take an x-ray for arm pain and then be diagnosed with cancer minutes later? I can recall that day in the hospital as clear as a bell.
There was too much to balance in 2008 when I learned the news that Mattie had cancer. But 12 years later, I wonder whether patients are still directed into that holding room at Virginia Hospital Center? I never gave the hospital feedback about this horrid experience! But I do hope that patients now learn about their diagnoses differently! Frankly to this day I have no idea if the room we were in was a holding room for patients to receive bad news, or what! But why have any room within a hospital unmanned and with a phone in it?! I have more questions than answers and I also don't understand why I was the only one in the room who answered the phone when it was ringing? As there were at least ten to 15 other people in the room with me! Why couldn't the call have been for one of them?
Do I think people can get OVER medical trauma? Do we learn to integrate that trauma into our NEW NORMAL? Well if you are a long time reader of this blog, then you know I hate all these words.... OVER and NEW NORMAL. When your child is diagnosed with cancer and then dies, getting over that isn't likely to happen. Nor is accepting all of this as your new normal way of life. Similar to how people describe life now with COVID-19! As this is our "New Normal." Also hysterical to me, because I don't think the majority of the USA or the world for that matter as wants to self isolate, lock down in place indefinitely, be prevented from going to work, school, and socializing, and let's not get started with wearing a mask! None to this is natural or normal! The new normal with COVID looks as grim to me as the new normal did when Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. In both cases, I did not elect for life to look this way and to me a new normal, implies some control in dictating the change.
So to answer my own question.... No I do not think one ever gets over a medical trauma, but I do think one learns how to live in the world with it and find a way forward. You don't forget it, it is a part of you, that you carry with you each day. It influences your choices, your opinions, your outlook on life, and most definitely how you live your life and view the future.
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