Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2006. That weekend we took Mattie for a day trip to Maryland, to ride on the Walkersville Southern Railroad. It is an experience as the railroad was built in 1872, you can ride vintage passenger cars from the 1920s, and you pass an 100-year-old lime kiln and picturesque Maryland farm country. It was a cool day and the rest of us sat inside the train cars. Not Peter and Mattie! They were out in the elements enjoying the views.
Quote of the day: Today's coronavirus update from Johns Hopkins.
- number of people diagnosed with the virus: 8,202,679
- number of people who died from the virus: 220,046
I had a phone call this afternoon from a friend and fellow mom, whose son is a five time survivor of childhood cancer. I met this special mom, when Mattie was in treatment. We have remained connected all these years and she is also very generous with Mattie Miracle. She called to tell me about the memoir book she is writing and was hoping I would write a submission for her to include in her book.
Naturally I am very honored that she would consider me, and I am beyond impressed that she has the focus and the courage to put her family's story down in print. Having the desire to do this myself, I am well aware of the complexities of doing this. As it is an emotional task of grand proportion.
While talking to my friend, she mentioned that Peter and I are the perfect examples of "post-traumatic growth." I have to admit that this is not the first time I have been told this. I hear this from colleagues (who know what the term means) and our Foundation's researchers. Yet despite this being a psychological term, despite being a licensed mental health professional, and despite being an educator I do not like this term. It doesn't resonate with me at all.
So what is post-traumatic growth (PTG)? It is a theory that explains transformation following trauma. It was developed by psychologists Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun in the mid-1990s, and holds that people who endure psychological struggle following adversity can often see positive growth afterward. In fact, many people who have survived trauma, have found positive change as well—a new appreciation for life, a newfound sense of personal strength and a new focus on helping others.
To evaluate whether and to what extent someone has achieved growth after a trauma, psychologists look for positive responses in five areas:
1: Appreciation of life
2: Relationships with others
3: New possibilities in life
4: Personal strength
5: Spiritual change
Do I think growth can happen after a trauma? YES! But I don't like the notion that one has to experience a trauma, that this trauma is necessary in order for a profound "psychological seismic" transformation to result in growth. I strongly believe that I always had an appreciation for life and helping others WAY BEFORE Mattie was diagnosed with cancer and then died. I just don't like associating growth with Mattie's death. It strikes me the wrong way, just like the crazy term "new normal." I neither asked for my "new" life, nor did I wish for this form of "growth."
I can with confidence say that I would prefer the term post-traumatic meaning. That doesn't have such a happy go lucky positive spin to what I view as a catastrophe in my life. Through Mattie's cancer journey and death, I have had to find meaning to what happened to him and to us, and to use that knowledge to find a way forward to re-engage with the world. That doesn't mean I feel like I have grown, that I have made it through the trauma and found joy and happiness (two more words I dislike intensely) in my world. Because I am not sure I have or ever will.
That said, I do know that Mattie's cancer journey showed me many things such as the amazing connections and community we have in our lives. A network of incredible friends who dropped everything during our 15 month journey to meet Mattie's every need. Not to mention our own. I am not sure I would have seen or felt this overwhelming beauty and spirit in people if I did not live through a crisis. Is this growth within me? Again, I would say no! Instead it is the meaning I gained from the trauma that remains inside me. It guides my relationships with people and it also guides the mission and objectives of Mattie's Foundation.
Needless to say, as I write a passage for my friend's book, I will NOT be focusing on Post Traumatic Growth. A concept that I believe the psychological community coined to help clinicians find purpose, direction, and hope within their therapy sessions with survivors of trauma. Instead, I will remain true to myself, my principles and feelings, and focus on MEANING. The meaning of this trauma and how it is my compass in my personal life and Foundation work.
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