Monday, August 16, 2021

Monday, August 16, 2021

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2008. It was our first admission to the hospital and as you can see the room was small for all three of us. Though Peter started the blog, after the first week of it up and operational I took over the reporting and writing. Whenever Mattie was calm and busy doing something, I would return emails and also write the blog. I only did this however if Peter was around, because one of us had to have our eye on Mattie and the situation at all times. This particular hospital room overlooked the University's fields. Though it was nice to have a room and to see people outside and look at the weather, it actually depressed me as Mattie's treatment got more debilitating. I grew to hate that window and felt like it reminded me that we were prisoners to cancer. The rest of the world was moving along, going about their daily lives, doing chores and the mundane. Whereas for us, our lives came to a stand still, and living in a hospital made me feel like I was on the edge and dealing with constant crises. 

Quote of the day: Today's coronavirus update from Johns Hopkins.

• Number of people diagnosed with the virus: 36,846,967
• Number of people who died from the virus: 622,223

We started the day by attending our neighbor's funeral. This is two neighbors we have lost since 2020. Long time friends who have lived on our same floor in the complex. I like to think that things will always remain the same. But unfortunately things happen, and whether I like it or not, change occurs. I am not a fan of change what so ever. 

The cleaning out saga continues. Last night, Peter gave me a reality check. The moving truck is coming next Wednesday. Somehow that was earth shattering to me because I am not ready for them at all. So I began to panic. Moving is never easy, but this move is hard for me. First of which, I did not want to move. I am very happy in the space we created and this space has memories for us. I basically grew up in our townhouse, and I went from a student to a professional, from a wife to a mother, and I can still picture Mattie in every room here. 

While going through drawers I came across this bristle brush and note with a photo of Mattie. It was a story Mattie's occupational therapist created for him, and believe it or not, I used to use this brush on Mattie's arms and legs two times a day. It was part of the therapeutic process for his sensory integration issue. When the therapist first presented me with this brush, and told me I had to brush Mattie's arms and legs, I thought.... she's crazy. But I complied and ironically it worked for Mattie. 

I found this photo today of a Mother's Day gift Mattie made for me in preschool (2006). I still have the pot and the butterfly tag!

This photo was taken at my doctoral graduation luncheon. 

I found the invitation I sent out for Mattie's first birthday party! 

We were given tickets to a Nationals baseball game while Mattie was undergoing treatment. Like me, we both weren't into sports. So I took Mattie to the build-a-bear store in the stadium. That day he made this cute dog. I have had it for years. I was finally able to say good-bye to several of Mattie's stuffed animals and toys today. 

This safari hat was something that Mattie and all his friends received at his zoo birthday party. That party was when he turned 5 years old. As for Elmo and Scooby, they were favorites of Mattie's! I will always have the photos of them to remember those special moments. 

I also said good-bye to Mac the truck and Lightning McQueen (a car inside the truck). I am hoping some other child enjoys playing with it as much as Mattie. 

Can you believe that we had Mattie's leg cast under our bed. When Peter pulled it out today, I was stunned. I had no recollection that we kept it. I snapped photos of all the writings on the cast, and you can see what Peter wrote... Mama Lover!! As Peter always joked with Mattie and me, that we were very close. 

After Mattie's limb salvaging surgery, Mattie was never able to completely straighten his right leg. So his surgeon thought putting him in a cast for several months would help. It unfortunately didn't!

I found this in my closet. This was my wedding bouquet. We had it preserved and sealed in an air tight frame. Unfortunately over time, it truly did not hold up. 

This is the current state of Mattie's bedroom. It was very hard to address this room, but I started today. 

After Mattie died in 2009, this was what his room looked like. It truly looked like a storage facility (from all the gifts sent to Mattie while he was battling cancer), not a bedroom. I neither had the courage, energy, or desire to deal with that room for years. 

Then in 2013, I had enough! I felt that the room was being disrespectful to Mattie's memory. It was that emotion that got me moving and tackling boxes, toys, books, gifts, and clothes. So this was a photo after a significant clean out. 

Later in 2013, we decided to also paint the room a sunny orange color and we began to display Mattie's art work all around the room. It was at that point that I turned Mattie's bedroom into my office. 

In 2015, the Washington Post came to interview us, and the Post snapped this photo of us talking at my desk.