Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2006. Mattie was almost four years old and Peter and Mattie were playing in our living room. Between the living and dining rooms, they put up a big barrier using paper towels. Mattie used this visual to help create a finishing line for his car races and other play schemes. All I know was when Mattie was around, our home will filled with noise, activity, and of course toys and books everywhere. It was an adjustment for me to manage all this clutter and commotion, but it was an even BIGGER adjustment when it wasn't around after Mattie died.
Quote of the day: If you truly love nature, you will find beauty everywhere. ~ Laura Ingalls Wilder
The usual routine after breakfast is both of my parents nap. When they first moved in, I just couldn't understand this at all. Now I have come to accept it, as there is not much about this pattern I can change. In fact, I encouraged my mom to go to the basement with me and get on the treadmill for 10 minutes (which is part of her PT exercise routine). I could tell she did not want to do it, and was too tired. So I did not push her, but I am finding this is more of a trend, because given all that I balance with my dad, it is hard to fit my mom's routine and needs into the day.
With all this said, besides my daily chores and existence, I am living the life of an 87 year old with dementia. I see my parents sleeping more than awake, they don't want to engage with the world, and prefer isolation. Which by transitive property, this has also become the way I live my life. Mind you, for me this is a double whammy, because Mattie's death impacted my life. Socially many friends dropped me like a fly after he died, because I symbolized their worst nightmare. Nonetheless, I have tried to rebuild my life in some way since 2009. Now on top of this, I am once again caregiving. Caregiving, and managing a very unnatural situation. Some days I can put it into context, and manage with no problem. Other days, I can feel anxiety taking over, and I feel so overwhelmed and worried that I can't live like this for one more minute.
Which is why walking, getting outside, and spending time with nature are all so healing. What was true in 2009, and it remains true today!
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