Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2006. This was a typical occurrence in our home. Mattie loved playing with clay. He particularly loved molding it and sticking it onto his cars, trucks, and trains. Don't ask me why! But there you have it. Of course after play time was over, picking up the clay was an experience. At first I would say I did not like the mess all the clay made, but over time, I got used to it and appreciated Mattie's need for fun and exploration.
Quote of the day: Some days are going to be more of a struggle than others. That is okay and you need to forgive yourself in order to keep going—and growing. ~ Sara Ahmed
At first I was going to forego the test and reschedule my upcoming urology appointment. But then I stopped and thought about it and said NO! I have to keep these annual appointments because I want to prevent another issue and surgery if possible.
It was a typical Monday, in which I performed my usual morning routine. Since my dad was at the memory care center, I had to find an activity for my mom today. So I took her to the mall and out for lunch. While having lunch, she mentioned that she missed her life in California and the activities she used to do. I fall into the same trap everything time, most likely because I am the rational one in the equation. My mom remembers her life back in 2019, and seems to not be in touch with the reality of what life was like during COVID and after my dad had his two hospitalizations in 2020. Honestly for those two years in Los Angeles, her way of life changed drastically. It was also during that time that her cognitive state began to decline and with that, came a physical decline.
I would love to be able to put my mom on a plane and send her to Los Angeles, so she could see friends and participate in the activities she once did and loved. But those days are OVER. She has NO insight about herself and can't see that she needs supervision and support throughout the day. Dialoguing with my mom can cause massive frustration for me. For the most part I absorb the frustration, but some times I just want to scream.
If my mom was able to occupy herself in any capacity, then while my dad was at the memory care center, I would have four hours to myself. But she needs as much support as my dad, and therefore, there are never moments just for me. I then told my mom today that if she and my dad were in the same position as me, there would be NO WAY they would transform their lives to take care of two people in need. Naturally hearing that did not go over well, and perhaps that sounded mean to say to my mom. However, I do think she needs an awakening to how their presence is impacting my life. Or lack of a life.
I think I have extraordinary amount of patience, but I am human. Every human needs time to rest, have a change of venue, and time to socialize and control one's day. I haven't had any of this for over a year. For over 365 days. The reality is this caregiving way of life could go on for quite some time. Which is daunting, but it is also daunting to know that if things change, that is because my parents are no longer alive. Neither are positive thoughts, and frankly all of this leaves my head spinning.
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