Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2003. Mattie was a year and half old and a live wire. There was no way to contain him to snap a photo, so I got the brilliant plan to dress him in a holiday sweater and we took him to Home Depot. Mattie liked Home Depot, as there was a lot to observe there and the space was wide and open. I can't tell you how many photos we took that day. Thank goodness for digital technology. This was the photo featured on our 2003 family Christmas card.
Quote of the day: You think the dead we loved truly ever leave us? You think that we don't recall them more clearly in times of great trouble? ~ JK Rowling
Despite the state that I am in, I have invited a few friends over on Christmas day. I started prepping food today and even started baking a coconut layer cake. What I did not expect was that I received a visit from a family friend. She came and chatted with me and then my mom joined in our conversation. Our friend's thoughtfulness, compassion, concern, and how she values our family was deeply touching to me.
Later today, there was a package at my door. It was from our cousin who I have gotten to know over the years. Ironically she and I have never met, but we have communicated often and she is a loyal blog reader. Some of my loyal and steadfast blog readers have gotten to know me so well that I don't even need to write about what my issues are.... they know me well enough to put two and two together. I am not sure what I find more touching! The fact that my words and my personal character come shining through or the fact that after all these years, family and friends want to read about my day. Though this blog has become about me since Mattie died, at the heart of my writing is and will always be Mattie. My role as his mom guides my lens and my life and I am thankful that my readers understand the depths of this love and this grief.
I rarely cry. I am not sure why, perhaps it is years of managing constant stress, pressure and grief. Or that when Mattie was ill, I had to learn to put emotions on the back burner in order to help him get through each day. It was my mission and I believe this strategy of coping has become embedded into my DNA. Yet when I read my cousin's message today, I started crying. Crying because though we never met, SHE GOT ME! She knows me, she knows my heart, and she knows what makes me tick. Her words are gifts to me, and in fact, I have kept many of the letters she has written to me over the years. They are in my nightstand and I pull them out during difficult times. The power of words!
What got me in her letter today was................
You have always been a hero to me. You give selflessly to everyone around you and somehow manage to keep giving when there's nothing left to give.
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