Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2001. I was four months pregnant with Mattie. I have no idea what on earth I was wearing, other than it was probably comfortable! Given that the baby was going to be coming in April of 2002, I was going through a major clean out process and was transforming our walk in closet to accommodate our new family. I remember that moment in time, as some people call it "nesting." There is a lot of truth to nesting, as I was very focused on cleaning and preparing! Our townhouse had the best walk-in closet and I know some neighbors actually used their walk-ins as an office space! But that closet was a God sent, as it enabled us to store so much of our family's things and once Mattie died, it became part of Mattie Miracle headquarters.
Quote of the day: Anyone who has lost something they thought was theirs forever finally comes to realize that nothing really belongs to them. ~ Paulo Coelho
I spent a good portion of today organizing myself. I created a filing system to keep track of papers all around me, I did my usual chores, and worked on Foundation things. Somehow all while juggling my dad and his needs. Mid-day, I packed my parents up, got them in the car and we had brunch out. We only go out for a major meal now once a week. Though my dad misses going out three or four times a week, it is what we need to do for a little while until I get stabilization in our lives. Every Sunday, we go to the same place and have the same server. Cheryl has been a part of our lives since my parents moved here in 2021. We share our ups and downs together and I am very grateful to have her in our lives, as well as the manager at this restaurant. Amazing women, who value me as a person, and understand the multiple roles and stresses I juggle.
It is going to be another full week of caregiving and balancing car service, Sunny appointments and the list goes on. Truly I can't look at the bigger picture in my life, because if I did I probably wouldn't get out of bed. Instead, I learned with Mattie's cancer journey to be present and to get through the moment. The discipline of living with childhood cancer and then Mattie's death have prepared me for life's uncertainties and new traumas. I am not saying I like any of them or they are easy. But what I do notice is I have instinctual coping skills that were learned in 2008 and 2009, and like a plane going into automatic pilot, under duress my learned coping skills automatically kick in.
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