Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2003. Mattie was a year and half old and that Christmas we took Mattie to Los Angeles to spend the holidays with my parents. We introduced Mattie to Travel Town in Griffith Park. It is a park filled with antique train cars, where kids can climb aboard and explore. This was right up Mattie's alley. Ironically I never visited Griffith Park when I lived in LA, it took Mattie's presence in my life to explore this amazing Park. Needless to say, every time we visited LA, Mattie requested a trip to Travel Town.
Quote of the day: There is not a reason for everything. Not every loss can be transformed into something useful. Things happen that do not have a silver lining. ~ Megan Devine
When Mattie first died, I remember how I dreaded weekends. Weekends were once family time, where we would go out and explore the world as our sweet threesome. However, Mattie's death impacted what and how we re-entered the world. There were NO more playdates, there were NO more birthday parties, and NO more school events. We not only lost Mattie, we lost our way of life, and our social circle that made up that way of life. It was gutting and honestly I do not know how we survived that grueling torture. I may have moved forward, but I do not forget the pain, anguish, and isolation.
Though my life looks differently now, there are many commonalities. The feeling of being different jumps back out at me. Being different and unique are not always great things. But what I know is in times of great stress and anxiety, nothing looks right in the world and I prefer to retreat and put barriers up between me and the rest of the world. Why? Most likely for many reasons. It feels safer to do this and on top of that because I feel so different from others, I do not care to hear about their lives, their conversation, nor do I want sympathy or another's insights. This is not typical behavior for me, but it is my form of survival and though it may look strange to those around me, it is what I need to do to make it through each day.
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