Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2004. This was right before Mattie's third birthday party! The theme that year was Blue's Clues. Mattie and I would decorate and brainstorm for days. I remember hiring an undergraduate student who was a part time magician. He did a great job at the party and even brought his pet bunny, Hobbes. Mattie had a great time and notice we were both dressed in orange. Mattie loved that color. No surprise that it became the official color of Mattie Miracle.
Quote of the day: Absence is a house so vast that inside you will pass through its walls and hang pictures on the air. ~ Pablo Neruda
Last night I must have been so tired, that I fell asleep with the lights and TV on. At around 3am, I came to consciousness, was disoriented, but with it enough to shut everything off! I took my dad to his foot doctor appointment this morning. He sees this doctor every 9 weeks. When the doctor saw my dad's legs today.... he said, what's going on?! My dad is having another allergic reaction to the second statin drug we have tried. He was initially doing well on it, but after about two months on it, the intense itching started up. Given the significant nature of my dad's dementia, he can't help himself.... so he scratches and scratches! There is nothing I can do to prevent this, I have tried everything, including bandaging up his legs.
In any case, about two weeks ago, I contacted his doctor and he agreed, we should stop the statin and try to reset my dad's system. Thank goodness I put two and two together and realized this was a drug reaction, otherwise, my dad would be ripping his skin off causing an infection. That happened with the first statin drug he was on, so I learned my lesson!
Overall, it has been quite the day! My dad pooped in his pants twice and it was a big clean up job each time. On top of this, something is wrong with my car. So it has to go in next week. By around 4pm, I had just about had it! I had it with cleaning, meeting demands, and feeling abandoned and alone in life, so the only thing I could think of doing was to go outside. Since Sunny died, I have yet to take a walk. I have no interest in doing that now without my Sunny boy. My therapy is grabbing our big garbage bin and dragging it around our yard. I pick up branches, debris, and today also took on weeding. Pulling out weeds to me is very therapeutic! With my yard, there is a lot of therapy to be had, because removing weeds is like a full time job around here.
I can't believe tomorrow will be Friday. So many people look forward to Fridays. I dread it. Because I know Saturday and Sunday have less structure and I have my dad in tow, which makes things far more complicated for me. But overall, what I struggle with is facing my life without my other half. My life has been very intertwined with Peter's. He has been a part of my life since I was 19 years old. It would be one thing if he died. That would be hard to face and accept, but my reality is far more painful than death, because at least in death, I would know that I was loved until the end.
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