Sunday, October 12, 2025

Sunday, October 12, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. This was Mattie's third month in his cancer treatment journey. By that time, all his psychosocial providers knew about his love for cardboard boxes and creating! His art therapists saved this big cardboard box for Mattie and over the entire month of October he worked on making a haunted house. Literally this box was decorated inside and out and had ghosts and witches and the inside was spooky! I am so grateful Mattie's hospital had an extensive art therapy program and I will never forget all the amazing women who helped Mattie have opportunities to be a child, NOT a child with cancer. 

Quote of the day: Memory is the sense of loss, and loss pulls us after it. ~ Marilynne Robinson

This morning, I was listening to the radio while getting myself dressed to start the day. The radio hosts were interviewing a singer by the name of Priscilla Block. Literally it was what she was saying that made me pause. She mentioned that she wanted to write a song (Things you didn't see) that actually depicted her, her life, and her journey. I do not know this singer, but apparently she is known as a party girl. Yet like so many us, if you don't scratch the surface, you are never going to know the depths of our foundational core. 

In the song she describes real struggles with her parents losing the family home, break ins to places she was living, dumpster diving to make a living, body image issues and the list goes on. Now clearly, if you did not know this about her, you would only see her successes. If you haven't heard the song, click on the image. 

Getting to know all facets of the people in our lives is crucial. It gives us better insights and perspectives into how they think and feel about things as well as how they make certain decisions for themselves. I have always been fascinated by people and learning about their lives and experiences. Yet I know not everyone shares this interest. 

Not everyone knows my story. Not everyone knows I lost a child to cancer, recently got divorced after a 35 year relationship, or that I am the full time caregiver to both of my parents. All of these experiences define me and how I live my life. I see the world through a lens of trauma and grief and frankly this can be lonely. It influences my ability to trust others, to want to spend time socializing, and having an inability to envision any sort of future. To me life is one big chore after the other, filled with bills, managing crises, and profound sadness. 

I think what Priscilla Block's song reminds us is that there are things we DO NOT see/know in those around us. If we pause and remind ourselves of this, we may actually become more patient, compassionate, and understanding for those around us.  

Saturday, October 11, 2025

Saturday, October 11, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2007. Mattie was five years old and was in his element here..... at a Fall Festival, outside, in nature, and surrounded by pumpkins. Here's the irony of all of this! Before I had Mattie, I wasn't a pumpkin fan. I truly did not like pumpkin muffins, pies, and cakes.... you get the picture. But since Mattie loved these big orange orbs and LOVED eating anything pumpkin, I grew to love it. Now of course, I love the color orange, I love everything pumpkin, and seeing any pumpkin reminds me of my special boy. 

Quote of the day: The mind replays what the heart can't delete. ~ Yasmin Mogahed

In addition to juggling my parents care this week, I was also concerned about my former mother in law. It is a dance to figure out what to call each other now. Since I can't legally call her my mother in law anymore, what do I call her? I could refer to her by her first name, to make things easy, but when talking to other people how do I describe our relationship? A former mother in law, sounds ridiculous to me, because we did not chose to sever our connection with one another. Any case, since I can't be called a daughter in law anymore, I have learned that I am now called..... a daughter! That brought a smile to my face. When I tell you that I literally was on her portal multiple times each day this week, trying to make sense of tests and data coming in, and then explaining it to her, I am not kidding. I know how scary it is to be sick and I also know how crucial it is for a health system to know that family and friends are paying attention.  

Since we are expecting non-stop rain for the next several days, I decided to spend some time in the backyard after I took my parents out for lunch. I was determined to transplant my five hibiscus and bring them inside for the winter. It is a labor of love, and I should really make it easier for myself and just keep the plants in the same pots that they spend the spring and summer in, but that is NOT what I do! So I have to gingerly dig them up without hurting the roots, to transplant them inside!

When Sunny died in 2023, I bought two beautiful SUNNY yellow hibiscus in his honor. I take these hibiscus in when it gets cold and of course they spend the summer outside, growing beautifully! 
 

These are two of the glorious Sunny hibiscus flowers! 

One of Sunny's hibiscus! You can see the huge terracotta pot it is housed in during the summer! I cut the plant back and spent time digging it up to transplant it.

One of the rooms in our house, which gets wonderful sunlight, is where I place all of my plants over the Fall and Winter. So as of tonight, five cuties are now inside. 

I have become a huge fan of hibiscus and bought three small pink ones this spring. They are growing so beautifully, that I decided to bring them inside for the winter. 

I have more to do outside to prepare for the colder weather months, but I am so happy I took on this task today. The weather was glorious and just too lovely to be inside. I find when I am outside and either digging or pulling weeds, I feel better. Or let's put it this way.... I forget about the numerous problems, stresses, and hurts in my life. It is a positive diversion and a pause from my usual existence. 

Friday, October 10, 2025

Friday, October 10, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2007. Mattie was five years old! Truthfully it was such a special age! Mattie loved his kindergarten, he had conquered his sensory integration issues and he was developing into an amazing little person. Mattie's teachers always described him as an 'old soul' and a very loyal friend. Quite a set of compliments at such a tender age. This was one of the many fall festival photos that I love! Mattie was in his element outside and I learned to appreciate these experiences. In all reality even the mundane was an adventure with Mattie!

Quote of the day: We do not remember days, we remember moments. ~ Cesare Pavese

For the past week, whenever I turn on the radio in the morning, I hear advertisements for the ballet, Onegin, playing at the Kennedy Center. Before I moved to this house, we lived in Foggy Bottom, and the Kennedy Center was our next door neighbor! Truthfully it was the best location, as I LOVED going to the theatre. This is one of the many things I had to say good-bye to when I moved to the suburbs. As attending the ballet and musicals was something that to me made life worth living. 

When we first moved to DC in 1994 (from Boston), I wanted to get a ballet subscription. We had one in Boston, and I wanted to continue to support this amazing art form. Anyone who is familiar with getting a subscription knows its a game. The first several years, you can not get the seats you want, which for me were front and center. You have to get into the system and work your way to these seats. When we left Boston, I was saddened because I had to say good-bye to our amazing seats (that took years to get) and the Boston Ballet. Up until that point, I have always lived in a city that had its own ballet company. Washington, DC is a bit different. Instead they bring in companies from all over the USA and internationally. 

I will never forget the Boston Ballet performed Eugene Onegin. It was part of our ballet subscription that year. Honestly I had never heard of it, to me it sounded obscure. That was until I saw it! It is a ballet that in my opinion is rarely performed. Which is unfortunate. I have only seen it once in my lifetime, but it made such an impression on me, that I said to myself..... if it ever comes my way again, we have to see it.... and here it is at the Kennedy Center. Given my caregiving circumstances, I am not going to see it, and then of course all I can remember is who I shared my ballet subscriptions with and.... that saddens me to the core. 

Onegin is the timeless story of FIRST LOVE and LOST LOVE! A story that actually is even more poignant for me now. Onegin is based on Alexander Pushkin's novel Eugene Onegin. The story follows the unrequited love of Tatiana for the cynical aristocrat Onegin, who rejects her, flirts with her sister Olga, and kills Olga's fiancé, Lensky, in a duel. Years later, a now-sophisticated Tatiana rejects the lovesick Onegin, making for a tragic tale of love at the wrong time.

I mention Onegin, because if it comes to your neck of the woods.... go see it! It is unforgettable and I deeply admire the dedication, incredible discipline, and the countless hours of practice dancers put into this art form. I guess I have a soft spot for ballet because my mom enrolled me in both ballet and tap when I was probably five years old. By the time I was in middle school, I was practicing ballet three or four times of week in NY City. I trained at the American Ballet Theatre and in 9th grade even won (through a competition) a four year college scholarship to study modern dance at SUNY Purchase. Dancing was a big part of my life and one I loved sharing with my other half. 

However, even something as lovely as dance, has been clouded over in my mind and heart. Now when I hear an innocent commercial on the radio for the ballet, what happens is I see my life flash before my eyes and I just can't believe the tragic tale is NOT something I am watching BUT instead living.  

Thursday, October 9, 2025

Thursday, October 9, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. I will never forget this trip to Baltimore, MD. We took Mattie to the Inner Harbor to attend a train museum and then go out to lunch. It was the weekend before his first limb salvaging surgery. We were all very stressed out and nervous. Of course no trip was ever complete without Legos and constructing. What he was holding was what Mattie put together while having lunch. Even looking at this photo now, I can feel the tension that was on our faces and truly once the surgeries came into Mattie's life, things were never the same. Chemotherapy was hard, but surgeries were brutal. As they impacted Mattie's ability to ambulate, dress himself, toilet himself, and be a child. With cancer, each step of the way, we faced losses. Some times there were daily losses, and other times, the hits came every hour or minute. 

Quote of the day: ...what happens when you return, and find nothing but a hollowed shell, shingles and floor, walls and echoes and the light that lead you here has now burned out and the ones who built it have traveled afar and you cant go to them, no matter what shoes you wear. ~ Kellie Elmore

This morning was my usual trifecta.... Indie NOT using her litter box, soiled linens to clean, and my dad having a bout of irritable bowel syndrome in the shower. Truly after these three things, I have a feeling most people would be taking to bed. For me these are regular occurrences, in which I have to deal with it and move forward. But I am human and there are times I ask myself.... why don't I have a better life? Or at least a life when those closest to me actually appreciated and respected me. 

I looked out the window this morning and saw this! Do you see it?? Sitting under the tree! NO it is not a dog, NO it is not a cat.... try a fox. Like our deer, I also love foxes. But I am cognizant that foxes typically do not hang around like this during the day. I got my binoculars out to examine his coat and he did not look sickly. So I gave it time and figured maybe he was sunning himself! I have had to call animal control in the past when we had a fox with mange. I assure you it is daunting to see animal control show up at your door with a rifle. Thankfully this fellow moved along today and I literally breathed a sigh of relief. If Sunny were around, there would be NO FOXES on the lawn at all. Sunny was the master of the house and roamed and patrolled the property beautifully! I can't tell you how many deer and fox Sunny chased while living here! Sunny has been gone over a year, and I still miss his presence daily!

This afternoon, after my dad's visit to the podiatrist, I took my parents out for lunch. We visit this restaurant every Thursday. I know about six to seven servers there and several come to chat with me each week. One of the servers today was talking to me about the holidays. He wanted to know if we were going away or how we are celebrating them. This fellow doesn't know that my life is a train wreck, so instead of answering the question, I turned it back on him. Something I will typically do if I do not want to answer a question. He told me that he spends Thanksgiving and Christmas alone. He works the day before and the day after every holiday, making it impossible for him to travel and celebrate with family. Honestly hearing this made me so so sad. I never like hearing about anyone being alone, and especially on the holidays. There are times I ask myself.... what will my life look like if my parents are no longer alive? This is not something I like thinking about, because when they die, I feel like I have nothing left. But today, I thought to myself, perhaps holidays will be a time where I pull everyone who is alone together, as NO ONE should ever be alone.

Wednesday, October 8, 2025

Wednesday, October 8, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. Mattie was three months into his treatment and was in the  hospital hallway with his buddy, Brandon (who was diagnosed around the same time as Mattie), and child life interns (Whitney and Lesley). I know without a doubt that it was a Friday! How do I know? Because the Chemistry Club was there doing a hands-on experiment that generated ice cream! I will never forget Chris, the president of the club (who thanks to my friend Susan, I have been reconnected with Chris --- WHO DID BECOME A DOCTOR!!!). Mattie loved Chris and as Mattie's treatment wore on, he typically did not want to engage with volunteers! However, that feeling did not apply to Chris. If Chris and the Club were in the pediatric units, Mattie wanted to participate. Some days that meant that the Club had to come into Mattie's room, because he was too sick to interact with others in the hallways.

Quote of the day: He smiled his shy smile at her as he went into the yard. Anne took the memory of it with her when she went to her room that night and sat for a long while at her open window, thinking of the past and dreaming of the future. Outside the Snow Queen was mistily white in the moonshine; the frogs were singing in the marsh beyond Orchard Slope. Anne always remembered the silvery, peaceful beauty and fragrant calm of that night. It was the last night before sorrow touched her life; and no life is ever quite the same again when once that cold, sanctifying touch has been laid upon it. ~ L.M. Montgomery

Today was another winner of a day, balancing the usual and also dealing with all sorts of emotions and inner conflicts. What am I talking about? I am talking about the fact that my former mother in law had surgery today. Since she lives in a completely different state, there isn't much I can do to help and support her. Since my separation and divorce, I continued to think of her as my mother in law. But I have learned that when you divorce, I legally can't refer to her as my mother in law anymore. Did you know that? Google it! It will tell you that.... "No, after a divorce, your "in-laws" are no longer legally or formally your in-laws; they are your former in-laws. The "in-law" status is tied to the marriage itself, so the relationship designation ends when the marriage ends." 

Again, the law says one thing and the brain and heart may feel something completely different, especially since I have known these two people since I was 19 years old. I grew up with them, spent holidays with them, traveled with them, they are Mattie's grandparents, and the list goes on. So for almost 30 years they were my in-laws, and now THEY ARE NOT. Poof.... overnight I became single and not officially a part of a family. It is quite the rude awakening and very disorienting. I suppose just like everything else, I will find a way to navigate through this as well. 

So she may not be my mother-in-law anymore, as defined by law, but that doesn't mean I don't care about her, care about her well-being, and value our history together. Any case this whole notion today brought about yet another layer of sadness to my life. My identity for decades has been stripped away.... first my child died.... leaving me to question....am I a mom?..... Then I got divorced..... so was I ever a wife? Now I come to find out that I am not even someone's daughter-in-law! WOW..... so just who am I? Everything I once was, for almost all my adult life, has crumbled, and I am left to pick up the pieces. Honestly some days I think there just isn't enough glue or tape to fix this mess.  

Tuesday, October 7, 2025

Tuesday, October 7, 2025 -- Mattie died 815 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2006. Mattie was four and half years old and like most Fall weekends, we went to a local festival. We saw this gigantic pumpkin and posed for a photo with it! I always loved this photo and it remains framed in my office today! Life looked so different for us back then and I would never have guessed that two years later Mattie would have been diagnosed with cancer!

Quote of the day: It is strange how close the past is, even when you imagine it to be so far away. Strange how it can just jump out of a sentence and hit you. Strange how every object or word can house a ghost. ~ Matt Haig

It was another day in paradise. Today, it was like I had a bee in my bonnet! I was determined to get this furnace working! I started my calls early with the company who installed the furnace yesterday. Besides the huge expense, out of principle, if you install something in my home, it should WORK! I called this company several times today because they wanted to send out the same install team I had yesterday! No offense, they were lovely, but this issue was NOT an install issue. It was an electrical/technology based problem! How did I know? I knew because I had this same problem in 2024! In fact, 2024 was such a bad year, that we went the entire winter on the second floor without HEAT! Trust me, it was painful. We suffered through this because no one seemed to be able to solve the problem. Until I got introduced to Jonathan. Jonathan figured out the problem and therefore I wanted Jonathan to come back today! I fought hard to get an experienced person here. 

At 1pm, my doorbell rang. It was not Jonathan. Instead, I was introduced to Andrew. At first I was upset, but it turns out Andrew is like ten stages higher than Jonathan. Andrew worked for two hours trying to diagnosis the electrical issue. He is ordering three new parts, which he will install next week FREE of charge! Here's the funny part! Yesterday the install team, installed a new thermostat! Turns out this new thermostat won't work, and is helping to contribute to the electrical issue! Instead, I need the model of the thermostat they dismantled yesterday! Mind you I threw it out, and the garbage was collected today! After all, I figured I did not need it. Thankfully the company is giving me a brand new one and not charging me. Seriously this furnace issue may send me right over the edge as upstairs has reached temperatures of 82 degrees this week! How I managed to sleep in that heat is beyond me. 

The furnace was one issue I addressed today. I also had an in-home nurse over to evaluate my mom, as she is starting physical therapy this week. The nurse was over at the same time I was juggling Andrew of course. But adding to my long list of what I am learning to do, I also spoke to a financial advisor today. My focus is on the Foundation, keeping it financially viable, growing, and ultimately keeping Mattie's legacy going for as long as I am alive. Talking finances and investments is NOT second nature to me, but it has been two long years of moving way past my comfort zone. 

Before Andrew left today, he said to me.... "your house is easy on the eyes both inside and outside!" I truly had to think about this for a minute! As easy on the eyes is an older expression! But I knew exactly what he meant.... he was telling me that he thought how I have decorated the house and how I care for the outside is beautiful. Needless to say, his comment meant a great deal to me, because I work around the clock to keep this house looking the way it does.

Given that it was October and close to 80 degrees today, I made sure I got outside in the backyard! I trimmed more of my roses, and that hour outside felt magical. 

Tomorrow, I am headed back to the bank. I have more meetings there, but I am not going empty handed. I am so so grateful to the banker helping me that I baked her lemon drop cookies tonight and put together a bouquet of hydrangeas from my garden for her. Sure she is doing her job, but it is how she is doing it! With great compassion, concern for my financial well-being, and spends the time educating me so that I can make better decisions. 

The banker won't know the "Mattie" significance of sunflowers, but I certainly do!!! I am glad to have her as a resource! Yes I am learning the art of being self reliant, but I also know the importance of having trusted community resources to turn to for guidance, insights, and help. 

Monday, October 6, 2025

Monday, October 6, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2007. This was what our Fall weekends used to look like! Mattie absolutely loved these festivals, being outside, and having an adventure. I remember years prior to this when we took Mattie to these events, he was too scared to go down these slides alone. However, by age 5, he felt he was ready! I truly can't believe how different my life is now from when I snapped this photo. Back then, I thought so many things were givens such as being able to watch Mattie grow and mature and growing old with the one I loved. 

Quote of the day: When it comes to memories, the good and the bad never balance. ~ Jodi Picoult

Truthfully I can't make up the insanity of my day! I got up at 5:45am in order to get myself ready, chores done, my dad up, showered, and dressed, in time for the HVAC people to come and install a furnace. Of course as soon as I got up, Indie wanted to be fed. To be greeted with her mess all over the basement rug was a sign to me that the day wasn't going to go well. I truly can't understand her behavior and frankly I am juggling so much alone, that I do not have the time to methodologically understand why she is acting out!

The HVAC people were supposed to arrive at 8am. Instead, they came at 9am, just when I got my dad in the car to take him to his memory care center. I was pressed for time because I had an appointment at my doctor's office at 10am. Yet I knew my mom couldn't manage these workmen by herself. She knows where nothing is in the house! So literally I jumped out of the car, went through all the issues and problems with the fellows, showed them where my breaker boxes were and how to access the attic. I also reminded them that I have a cat. That is all I would need..... to have the door open, Indie run out, and no one having a clue she left the house! 

I got my dad off to his memory care center, and then drove 40 minutes to my appointment. I hit terrible traffic and when I got to the hospital, only one elevator was working! Since I was running late, I decided (like so many other able bodied people) to walk up the stairs. That was 8 flights of stairs! By the time I got to my doctor's office, I was 15 minutes late. I thought for sure, they were going to tell me SORRY! But they accommodated me. From there, I drove to the Foundation's PO box, and discussed my stamp needs with the folks who have helped me with our mass mailer for 15 years! Unfortunately the 2 ounce stamps that I need weren't in stock, and they are ordering them for me. Which means at some point, I have another 40 minute trip back and forth to pick up stamps and postal bins for my December mass mailing. 

I then drove back home and managed the installation of the furnace. No matter how much I tried to mitigate the process, as of tonight, I am getting NO HOT OR COLD AIR! I am absolutely disgusted and sent my sales person a text message saying HOW UPSET I am! I warned them that the last time they played around with my furnace, it upset the wiring of the system! Sure enough I am faced with the same issue, and tomorrow I will be demanding that Jonathan return to help me. As he was the only one in the past who figured out the technological challenges! But honestly the installation process, all said and done, was close to six hours. You would truly hope after all of that, things would be working. 

Of course with each hour going by today with the workmen, my mom was getting edgy and wanted to get out of the house. Which makes it stressful for me, to manage her and her expectations. I have told her when the contractor comes this month to repair the damages from the flood she caused, that I will NOT be in control of the schedule. That this is something we just have to endure. 

This is just some of the things that were happening today. Then of course I had calls about the furnace loan, and countless other issues popping up. There is not one moment in my day when I have peace. Other than when I am sleeping, and even that doesn't come naturally to me. This was the beauty of being married, to have a partner by your side sharing the load, supporting on another and knowing you are not alone. Things are always better when shared. Facing life as a single person brings me no joy, it makes everything in life ten times harder, and given all that I am balancing, I am not sure how I have not crashed and burned yet. 

On aside, one of the HVAC people asked me.... where did you purchase your Fall wreath on your front door? Hysterical no? He is the third person who has asked me about my wreath! I told him I made it myself! He then asked me.... do you have a website where you sell your creations? HYSTERICAL! I said no, and his response was.... too bad, because I would have bought one!

I end tonight's posting with Mattie Moon! Shining brightly over the house!

In fact, Mattie Moon is shining so brightly, he is lighting up the inside of my home! A reminder that Mattie is there and all I can say is life would be much better if Mattie were alive. 

Sunday, October 5, 2025

Sunday, October 5, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2005. It is hard to believe this was 20 years ago! Back then I was so naive about childhood cancer, it was no where on my radar scope. This scene was quite common in our home! Mattie loved to paint with his feet. Honestly this was something I could never see myself doing for multiple reasons, but since Mattie loved it, I went with it! Fortunately for me, Mattie was instinctively neat. He understood that he had to work within the space lined with paper and not to run around the house with painted feet. Needless to say, there were many wonderful creations that resulted from his painted feet!

Quote of the day: Memories are dangerous things. You turn them over and over, until you know every touch and corner, but still you'll find an edge to cut you. ~ Mark Lawrence

Every Sunday, I take my parents out to brunch. We have worked with the same server for years. Today, Cheryl was ill. So we worked with someone else. I know this sounds crazy, but working with new people is stressful. It is stressful because with my dad, I no longer order what's on the menu. I get the restaurant to make the items he wishes to eat. Cheryl also knows all the little things that make a meal go more smoothly. Such as she brings my dad a bowl of crackers, to munch on, until food comes. It is all the little things that Cheryl does, that makes my job slightly easier when dining! Cheryl was missed, but we managed. 

Meanwhile, while eating, a wasp was flying around our table. This is NOT a good bee! They are aggressive and the last thing I needed was my dad getting stung (I do carry an EpiPen around with me!). I literally jumped up with a napkin, and stood on top of a booth to kill it. I had everyone in the dining room watching and a manager came over to help me. I know all the managers, so when I was standing on a booth, they knew something was wrong. Between me and the manager, we killed the wasp!

Getting my parents from the car into the restaurant is no easy feat. I literally have to lay by with the car, put my hazard lights on, and take my parents into the restaurant and to the table. Then of course I have to come back out and park the car. The restaurant also has two sets of doors, making it like mission impossible, as I have to hold onto my mom, direct my dad, and open two sets of doors. Today, I had many kind people who held doors for me and showed great patience. What a difference even a small act of kindness can make to one's day. 

When I arrived home, I saw all these wonderful gifts to the Foundation sitting on my doorstep! DEEPLY GRATEFUL for having the best of friends!

I have been struggling with my hose bibs. All my hoses are stuck on the spigots! I tried about a week ago to use a wrench to loosen the hose, but only landed up scratching the metal of the hose. I was frustrated and was going to leave this task to Steve (my outdoor guru). But then I decided to watch a YouTube video about how to manage this problem.

This afternoon, I sprayed the hose bib with WD 40. I let that sit for several hours while I was out with my parents. When I came home, I went outside with the wrench the video recommended and my plastic gripper that I use to open jars and bottles. The key is to wrap the plastic gripper around the hose bib, and then put the wrench around the plastic gripper. This prevents the wrench from scratching the metal and also provides a better grip. Want to know what happened?????

Voila..... I was able to remove the hose from the bib! I can add this to my long list of things I learned to do around the house. What I learned from my divorce is self reliance...... to be as self sufficient as possible!

Saturday, October 4, 2025

Saturday, October 4, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2007. Mattie was five years old and that weekend we took Mattie to Glen Echo Park in Maryland. This is a wonderful park that has a children's theatre, a marionette puppet theatre company, and this wonderful Dentzel carousel. I can't tell you how many visits to this park we made over the years. I am not sure who loved the puppet shows more... me or Mattie. I admired the creativity and skills of this company who designed their own marionettes and brought them to life. Truly the shows were so engaging that you could hear a pin drop in the audience! But no visit to the park was ever complete without us going on the carousel. Unlike Mattie, I dislike rides. However, the one ride we had in common was the carousel. We would sit next to each other and enjoy hearing the music as we bopped up and down on our horse of choice!

Quote of the day: It scares me how hard it is to remember life before you. I can't even make the comparisons anymore, because my memories of that time have all the depth of a photograph. It seems foolish to play games of better and worse. It's simply a matter of is and is no longer. ~ David Levithan

It was a tough morning getting my dad showered and dressed. Every other day, I am dealing with intense irritable bowel issues, and by the time I got my dad downstairs this morning, I felt like I went ten rounds. 

My dad had a physical therapy session this morning. While the therapist was working with my dad, I went outside to work on setting up our pumpkin inflatable. My mother in law gave us this gift in 2021, when we moved into the house. I have put it out on display every year.

While I was out there struggling to set this pumpkin up, several children in the neighborhood were riding their bicycles. They stopped to say hello to me and to let me know that they always look forward to seeing this cute pumpkin. I can't tell you how that made my day!

It was such a glorious weather day that I continued doing outdoor chores. I weeded several flower beds out front and then I decided to take on cleaning the windows on the first floor. Since our house has so many windows, when they are dirty, it makes you feel like you are living in a dirty fish bowl. So I went at it! Some people may dislike cleaning or doing windows.... I on the other hand.... LOVE to clean. Somehow it makes me feel productive, gets me moving, forgetting about my problems, and it beautifies my living environment. So it is a win win! 

This evening, I went outside to throw away trash. As soon as I walked onto the steps, I saw something that looked like a leaf, and yet didn't! I am well versed in the praying mantis. We used to get many of them in the city! Can you see this fellow was looking right at me?!

Did you know that many cultures view a praying mantis sighting as a sign of good fortune, even a sign of divine protection or a spiritual guardian watching over you? All I know is that I take whatever divine intervention and protection that is coming my way!  

Friday, October 3, 2025

Friday, October 3, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2007. Mattie was five years old and that day he was invited over to his preschool friend's home for a Halloween Party. One of the games was to make two parents into mummies. So myself and another mom volunteered. As you can see, Mattie and his team were busy wrapping me up in toilet paper. They did such a good job, you can't see me! I will never forget Mattie's preschool and the amazing experience it was for both of us. In fact, I would say that some of my most loyal and supportive friends I made at Mattie's  preschool. Which is amazing, since we were only at the school for two years.... but I think raising a preschooler is challenging and it bonds people together in indescribable ways!

Quote of the day: Sometimes things become possible if we want them bad enough. ~ T.S. Eliot

Something told me last night, that I should get up earlier today (than usual) to be ready for my HVAC inspection and service. Paul, my HVAC tech, was scheduled to come over at 10am, but sure enough he text messaged me at 8am, and told me he'd be over at 8:45am. All my techs know that I juggle my parents and they try their best to work around me and the multitude of tasks that I perform in any given day. Keep in mind that this is a service appointment I was dreading.

In all reality it is good that Paul came at 8:45am, because he did not leave my house until 2pm! Paul knew my biggest HVAC fear! It is no secret, as we have been monitoring my furnaces (which are 20 years old) since we bought the house. In 2024, was the first blow. I had to replace the first floor furnace, because it had a crack in it. Gas furnaces with cracks are illegal to operate, as they bring in carbon dioxide into the home. So whether I was ready for it or not, I had to purchase a furnace last year. That was when I met my HVAC sales angel, Dylan. Dylan worked with me in 2024 to secure an 18 month no interest loan. I was so excited that this loan was going to be paid off this month, but I should have known better than to keep my hopes up! 

Paul alerted me that the upstairs furnace had a crack in it, and truthfully I was ready to jump out the window. I am not exaggerating! Literally Paul had to shut off the gas to this furnace, which means there will be NO HEAT upstairs. Thankfully we are having warmer days this week, otherwise, I would have a big problem with my parents. At 90 years old, I find they run MUCH MUCH colder!

At 2pm, I had to pause the process because my mom wanted to go out for tea. So I arranged for the HVAC sales person to come at 5pm today! When I opened the door at 5pm, guess who was there? Dylan.... my HVAC sales angel! He opened up with the line..... we have to stop meeting like this!!! I laughed hysterically! Naturally Dylan is familiar with my home, the HVAC issues, and after evaluating the furnace in the attic, he sat down with me and told me what was needed. 

Which meant, yes.... another loan. We worked on applying for the loan together and I am getting much better at assessing the process and how I can budget it each month. Would I like a life where I did not have to worry about money, bills, and my future? Yes 100%! But the difference between 2024 and today, is I wasn't as scared about the loan application process. I don't like it, but there are many things in life I don't like. What I can say is with each financial experience, I gain more knowledge and try to make better and informed decisions. This is a steep learning curve for me because I have lived a lifetime without having to use these financial skills. Anyone who says an old dog can't learn new tricks.... is WRONG! As long as we are alive, we can learn something and in the process, I have accumulated a handful of angels who help guide me through these overwhelming times. When I say.... GOD HELP ME, his help does not always lead to what I expect or what I am asking for, but I find he does connect me with professionals who have helped me in extraordinary ways over these last two years. For all these amazing people, I am grateful. 

Thursday, October 2, 2025

Thursday, October 2, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2007. Mattie was five years old. That weekend we took him to Butler's Orchard in Maryland. This was one of our favorite fall festivals because there was a hay wagon ride out to the pumpkin patch! In the patch, you could see the vines that the pumpkins grew on and truly it was land for as far as the eye could see. Just a special surrounding and experience and Mattie LOVED picking out his pumpkin or pumpkins in the field!  I am so happy we did these things with Mattie. I did not do these things as a child, which was why adventures with Mattie brought a whole new joy to my life. It wasn't just the activity itself that was the adventure, it was the energy and passion that Mattie instilled into each activity that remains with me always. 

Quote of the day: There are memories that time does not erase... Forever does not make loss forgettable, only bearable. ~  Cassandra Clare

Seriously, you have to be kidding!!!!! I put out two pumpkins yesterday.... one representing Mattie and the other me! Mattie and Me!!! Do you see the deer!??? She was going to chomp on this pumpkin until she saw me losing my mind inside the house! She then quickly moved along! I love our deer, but I don't want to see the pumpkins decimated the day that I purchase them!

Mattie was a big pumpkin fan, and when I moved into this house, I decided to continue the tradition of getting pumpkins and decorating for holidays. That may not sound like a big deal, but when Mattie died, I stopped all decorating! EVERYTHING!! When you lose a child, a large piece of yourself dies too. It makes it impossible to figure out how to survive in the world and you just don't have it within your heart to celebrate anything. So when Mattie died in 2009, that was the end of decorating. I only restarted decorating when we moved to this house in 2021. So that was twelve years without decorations! What changed that caused me to decorate again? I truly am not sure! Maybe the house was a new chapter, which allowed me the space to start up traditions in a way that honored Mattie's memory! However, another large factor is my parents. I decorate to orient them to the seasons! 

My dad has four physical therapists who work with him. The most recent addition to his PT team is Tiffani. Tiffani loves the way I decorate. I apparently have inspired her to create collages of her children's things, family photos, and now she is interested in many of my fall decorations around the house. She thinks I could design wreaths and sell them! She had me laughing today! Talking about this wreath today, reminded me how much I used to like crafting, creating, and when I designed this wreath in 2021, it was a happy and exciting time in our lives. A new chapter, in a house. 

If you look closely you will see a wooden truck welcome sign with hay in it and pinecones glued to the wreath.... all tributes to Mattie and his love of fall festivals and collecting pinecones. 

All these Fall decorations I purchased in 2021. I love the ledge over the front door, as I put seasonal items on it, to give the hallway its own seasonal flair. 

One of my Fall arrangements in the living room!

There are two places in the kitchen that I always decorate for the season. This is one of them! 

The kitchen has a pony wall between the kitchen and family room. I absolutely love this wall, as you can always find touches of the season on it! 

Wednesday, October 1, 2025

Wednesday, October 1, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2002. Mattie was six months old! We were outside on our deck. As you can tell from Mattie's expression.... he was NOT happy! What wasn't he happy about? His stroller! I can't tell you how many strollers we bought, in hopes we would find one Mattie could tolerate! It never happened. Mattie hated to be confined to a stroller. He did mind his car seat ironically, but strollers were NOT his mode of transportation!!! No amount of toys and gadgets helped the situation either. 

Quote of the day: The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. It's the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared. ~ Lois Lowry

This morning, I dropped my dad off at his memory care center and then I decided I better go grocery shopping because on Friday the HVAC people are coming to inspect my system for its annual Fall check up! These HVAC checks make me neurotic, because I know they are going to tell me that the upstairs furnace will need replacing. They have been warning me about this, but as I told them I can only handle one furnace replacement at a time. Around 18 months ago, I had to replace a furnace, and this month, that thing will finally be paid off! Just in time for the next big hit! Any case, I am very nervous about Friday. In all reality, October is going to be a difficult month with renovations from the flood and don't get me started on the pool leak!

While at the grocery store, I noticed they reduced the price of pumpkins. Rather ironic, since to me October if pumpkin season. So as you can see I bought two! Pumpkins remind me of Mattie! He loved these orange orbs, and Mattie loved eating anything made from pumpkin. Which is funny because before Mattie came along, I disliked the taste of pumpkin. Mattie changed that for me! I always used to buy things in threes, symbolic of my threesome. Now I buy for two.... symbolic of mom and Mattie!

The fall wreath on the door, I created from scratch in 2021, after we moved into the house. I remember how excited I was that we lived so close to a crafts store. Something I always loved doing! I remember Fall of 2021, I came home from the store and designed this wreath on my kitchen island, with a glue gun in hand (Mattie would have been proud!). Any case, I store this wreath and it comes out every Fall. What I do know is if this wreath could talk, it would be talking about happier moments within my house! 

Later this afternoon, I had another bank appointment. Not about my personal accounts but about the Foundation. I swear between yesterday and today, my head is spinning. But with each meeting, I learn more and more, and get better at knowing what questions to ask. 

I really can't describe what my days look like, you would have to observe me to see that I rarely have a minute to myself, I am constantly juggling issues, needs, and problems. The other day I was talking to one of Mattie's doctors. She and so many people are worried about me and wanted to do something nice for me. Such as a spa certificate or tickets to see the Song of Music. At one point in my life, I would have thought either of those things sounded lovely. Now, nothing interests me, NOT a thing. As I told her, the best I can do is stick to my daily schedule and routine. I find deviating from this routine, is very anxiety provoking. I am sure that sounded odd to her as well as to those of you reading my words. But since my separation and divorce, this is all I can manage and focus on. My needs, interests, concerns, and well-being are of no consequence... this is how I feel. Yes my life should mean something, whether I am married or not, but to me on October 31, 2024 (when my divorce was finalized) a big part of life ended. 

Tuesday, September 30, 2025

Tuesday, September 30, 2025 -- Mattie died 814 weeks ago today. 

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2007. Mattie was five years old. That day he came home from kindergarten with this creation. I enrolled Mattie in an after school club, called construction club. The club was run by his teacher and since Mattie was all about building and creating, I figured this would be right up his alley! I was 100% correct! Mattie loved the club, and it was there that he learned how to use a glue gun! In fact, he was a champ with the glue gun, and Mattie taught me how to use one! But here is what I observed.... the skills Mattie gained in construction club served him well when he was hospitalized. As Mattie loved using found materials around the hospital and clinic to build, design, and construct. Creating served as a positive diversion from the horrors of childhood cancer. It enabled Mattie to be a child, NOT a child with cancer. 

Quote of the day: To lose a parent or a lifelong friend is often to lose the past: the person who died may be the only other living witness to golden events of long ago. But to lose a child is to lose the future: what is lost is no less than one’s life project—what one lives for, how one projects oneself into the future, how one may hope to transcend death (indeed, one’s child becomes one’s immortality project). ~ Irvin D. Yalom

If you read last night's blog posting, then you know I had a very difficult night! Which translated into a terrible night of sleep! I was able to fall asleep, but couldn't stay asleep because of my migraine and nausea. I got up this morning because I had previously booked an 11am appointment with my local bank manager. I have gotten to know this woman since my separation. She has been a God send. I thought I was going to talk with her about my savings account, but it turned out, she took this time to educate me and to create a plan to get me out of debt. Seriously, I call her my "miracle worker." Remember all my adult life, I did not manage my household finances and truly did not pay bills, deal with taxes, or address any financials associated with our life. Therefore, when I got separated and divorced, my learning curve have been exponential. Bordering on frightening. The problem with doing something for the first time is you don't even know what you should know or what questions to ask! Today I learned about credit card interest rates and since her goal is to make me stable again, I found her tutelage vitally important. She doesn't talk down to me, or treat me like I am stupid. But instead, walks me through things, writes things down, draws diagrams and we created a doable plan together. 

Literally we spent over an hour together and she even had to get the tissue box out. As I was in tears. Not because of my debt, but because here was a woman who is committed to helping me. In fact, when the plan was in place, she then sat next to me and gave me a big hug. She said.... YOU GOT THIS and CAN DO THIS! I will be visiting her next week as well for a follow up appointment and my goal is to bake her cookies as a token of my appreciation. Yes she is doing her job, but it is how she is doing her job.... with patience, compassion, and collaboration. 

My mom's fever broke over night and I believe the antibiotics are helping her. However, in my mind my dad is declining. He has absolutely NO memory left. He is disinterested in food and managing her irritable bowel issues are becoming problematic. When I say that I take it one day at a time, I mean it. Caregiving is daunting and overwhelming, but life without my parents is inconceivable, because when they die, I will be completely alone. For four years now, all aspects of my former life have slowly disappeared and therefore, I know I could never return to my previous life. That life died when I got divorced. 

Monday, September 29, 2025

Monday, September 29, 2025

It is 9:15pm, and I am feeling incredibly sick with a migraine. I juggled way too much today, and have been running back and forth to the pharmacy tonight, as my mom is running an 101 fever. First run to the pharmacy, I had to get a COVID/FLU testing kit. My mom tested negative and then her doctor prescribed her antibiotics since she has been suffering with symptoms for over a week. But that meant running back to the pharmacy before it closed at 8pm. The stress of today was way too much for me, on top of doing this routine for four years straight, contending with a divorce and the countless other horrors I have faced. Tonight, I was absolutely ready to give up, but I had to come home and make dinner for my parents. Food won't go down. Signing off for today. 

Sunday, September 28, 2025

Sunday, September 28, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2007. Mattie was five years old. It was his first day of kindergarten. This was a milestone moment! I am not sure who was more anxious about this.... me or Mattie? I was used to Mattie going to a part time preschool, but a full day of school was another story! I worried .... would he make friends, would he like his teachers, would anyone pick on him, you name it! Ironically I quickly learned that Mattie could hold his own! I thought we were going to have many more first days of school! That never happened, because by the end of his kindergarten year, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. Makes you realize, you must appreciate each moment. 

Quote of the day: I need someone who believes that the sun will rise again but who does not fear my darkness. Someone who can point out the rocks in my way without making me a child by carrying me. Someone who can stand in thunder and watch the lightning and believe in a rainbow. ~ Fr Joe Mahoney

I am posting this photo is memory of my maternal grandmother, Anne. Today would have been her 118th birthday! She was an amazing lady. This photo was taken while I was in college. 

By the time I was born, my grandmother was already living with my parents. So in essence, it was like having two mothers! I was very lucky, and my grandmother was the model grandparent. Loving, compassionate, fair, and multi-talented! She was a real companion! In fact, I would say many of the skills and abilities I have today I can credit to her. I learned to cook, clean, organize, and be a caregiver from my grandmother. She will be forever missed. 

I continue working on various Foundation tasks, so I feel very strung out juggling caregiving and all that I need to get done. Of course the highlight of my day was opening my front door and finding...........................

Items from the Foundation's Wish List. We have the best friends and supporters! SO grateful for all of you! As you can see even Miss Indie was checking it all out! Nothing like a curious kitty! If I could only train her to open the boxes and sort!!!

Saturday, September 27, 2025

Saturday, September 27, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2005. Mattie was three years old. That day went for a nature walk and had a picnic together. Mattie was happiest when he was one with nature. Though this wasn't my inclination, I caught up to speed with his interests and activities. Now, just like Mattie, I prefer being outside!

Quote of the day: When evening falls and shadows dim and all that’s left are stars…that’s when our dear ones shine the most. Their love is never far. ~ Kat Stano

It has been another long day, as I am managing my parents care and several things for the Foundation. One of the things I wanted to highlight today is this photo! This week the Foundation's September newsletter went out to friends and supporters requesting items for our Snack & Item Carts! All the boxes you see here, were delivered over the course of the last three days. I am so grateful for this support, because these items enable us to keep our Carts rolling at hospitals! 

Some days, I wonder how do I get up and keep on going? I am not sure I know the answer to this, but I would say the one thing that compels me forward is helping others and ensuring Mattie's legacy.