Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2009. Who took the photo? MATTIE! When I tell you that his hospital room was the size of a postage stamp, I am not kidding! Yet look how many of us were in his room. These women were Mattie's core psychosocial team, comprised of art therapists (Jenny and Jessie), a child life specialist (Linda), and a physical therapist (Anna). These are amazing women and they made the impossible, more bearable! I can't tell you the antics they would generate to keep Mattie's body, mind, and spirit engaged and moving. I will never forget any of them and I have a feeling Mattie snapped this photo because these women all meant the world to him too.
Quote of the day: Do something that will last and be beautiful. It doesn't have to be a bridge-or a symphony or book or a business. It could be the look in the eye of a child you raise or a simple garden you tend. Do something that will last and be beautiful. ~ Ken Burns
I was chatting back and forth with a good friend of mine and she asked....is it possible to die of a broken heart? We all have heard this expression before, and I know when I was growing up, my grandmother would say it often. If someone died an untimely death, because of stress, loss, or illness, she would literally say to me.... he died of a broken heart. As a child, I tried to picture what that actually meant. Literally did it mean someone's heart exploded within their body or did the heart break like a glass hitting the floor?
As I got older, I thought.... my grandmother is exaggerating! Afterall, who dies of a broken heart?! Well the short answer is it is RARE to die of broken heart syndrome, but with that said, such a condition exists and it can cause symptoms like chest pain and shortness of breath.
Did you know that Broken Heart Syndrome is also called Takotsubo (a Japanese word that means a pot used to catch octopuses) cardiomyopathy?
Broken heart syndrome is a heart condition that's often brought on by stressful situations and extreme emotions. The condition also can be triggered by a serious physical illness or surgery.
Broken heart syndrome is usually temporary. But some people may continue to feel unwell after the heart is healed. People with broken heart syndrome may have sudden chest pain or think they're having a heart attack. A heart attack is generally caused by a complete or near-complete blockage of a heart artery. In broken heart syndrome, the heart arteries are not blocked. But blood flow in the arteries of the heart may be reduced.
The exact cause of broken heart syndrome is unclear. It's thought that a surge of stress hormones, such as adrenaline, might damage the hearts of some people for a short time. A temporary squeezing of the large or small arteries of the heart may play a role in the development of broken heart syndrome. People who have broken heart syndrome may also have a change in the structure of the heart muscle.
Taking steps to manage emotional stress can improve heart health and may help prevent broken heart syndrome. Some ways to reduce and manage stress include: getting more exercise, practicing mindfulness, connecting with others in support groups. So what's the point of this whole discussion?
Well I think there are times in one's life, that we are all challenged and pushed to the brink. When Mattie was diagnosed with cancer, I will never forget that feeling of pure panic. It was coursing through my body and for over a month, I was unable to sleep and process information well. Of course I had to pull it together, because Mattie needed me. Not just for a hour a day, but 24/7, making life threatening decisions and living on the edge in a pediatric intensive care unit. The body is a fascinating vessel, because while under toxic levels of stress, the body flips a switch. The body can tap into reserves you never knew you had. During Mattie's cancer journey, for the most part I did not get sick. I functioned almost like a robot, living off of 2-3 hours a sleep a night for 14 months straight. Once Mattie died, that is when things started falling apart. I was sick for what seemed like years. My health was significantly compromised.
In fact, soon after Mattie died, I thought I was having numerous heart attacks. I saw a cardiologist and had to wear a heart monitor for a week. Truthfully back then, heart monitors were big and cumbersome and you had to push a button any time you felt a symptom. All I know is I got so worked up over this machine and the process, that after three days, I ripped it off. I literally thought I was going to die, as my heart was constantly racing and I was feeling so ill. No I did not have broken heart syndrome, instead I had my first experience with panic attacks. My point to this is under great stress the body can behave for a period of time, until it doesn't.
Though my circumstances now are quite different from Mattie's battle with cancer, there are overlaps. Caregiving is a challenging endeavor, in which you are looking out for the well-being of others, in many case without regard for your own. For three years, I have been caring for my parents around the clock without a break. For the most part, I have remained healthy. But that is because my body is in overdrive, as I rarely sit still. However, I know that years of caregiving will eventually take its toll on my body, not to mention on my mind and spirit.
On any given day now, my heart feels like it is broken. I am saddened about so many things in my life. But what am I going to do about it? The short answer is.... I don't know. But I know I have to figure something out, even if that means taking short walks. I miss being outside in nature, walking Sunny, and taking in more peaceful sights. I haven't walked our neighborhood since Sunny died. When he died, the spark I had for walking was extinguished. So as you can probably see, my heart is breaking, but not over just one thing, try many, many things. When your heart is breaking it is hard to come up with any ideas or have the motivation to even care! Last night, my therapist said something like.... I want you to eventually find a way forward to have peace and happiness. I literally laughed at that whole notion. As I told her I haven't had peace and happiness for YEARS, so trying to find it now is pointless.
How do I possibly describe such intense heartache to someone who hasn't followed and been a part of my journey LIKE ALL OF YOU? The answer, like so many of my other answers is..... I just don't know!
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