Sunday, December 27, 2009This picture was taken last December in the PICU of Georgetown University Hospital. Mattie loved his magnetic Santa that clipped onto his wheelchair (Thanks Alison!) and the Christmas stockings, which Mattie thought he would use to keep his feet warm. Got to love him!
Poem of the day: You Meant So Much
You meant so much to all of us
You were special and that's no lie
You brightened up the darkest day
And the cloudiest sky
Your smile alone warmed hearts
Your laugh was like music to hear
I would give absolutely anything
To have you well and standing near
Not a second passes
When you're not on our minds
Your love we will never forget
The hurt will ease in time
Many tears I have seen and cried
They have all poured out like rain
I know that you are happy now
And no longer in any pain.
When I reflect on the picture above, it somehow makes me feel as if I have lived two lives. A life as a wife and mother of Mattie, and now my current life, which feels like some sort of purgatory or holding place, until my future is decided. After battling Mattie's cancer and then losing him, I have come to the humbling realization that I no longer have control over my life. Maybe day to day decisions I have control over, but the bigger picture and the future are completely out of my hands. I once believed I had the will and determination to decide my destiny, but cancer has sobered me up to the true reality. I certainly would like to be more optimistic, but I have seen the worst life has to offer and therefore it is impossible for this not to deeply affect my lens of the world.
Peter and I spent the day doing chores, and then in the afternoon, I went to visit Mary, Ann's mom. Mary was telling me today about the various jobs she has had in the course of her lifetime and which ones were her favorites. I always loved talking to older adults, because through their stories I sit back and try to imagine what they looked like and were like when they were much younger. The beauty about talking to an older adult, is hearing about history, the way things used to be, and the sheer appreciation for verbal communication. I stayed with Mary through dinner, and because I have been going to this assisted living facility for some time now, I am getting to know many of the residents. In a way, they have become part of my community. Just saying hello to some of these older adults or holding their hands makes a tremendous difference in their day. Mary always tells me I am doing God's work. Perhaps! But after being isolated in a PICU for 13 months, I have a much greater appreciation for the need for social support. So now if I can reach out to others when they are lonely, I am happy to do it. Not everyone is as fortunate as Peter and I to have a Team Mattie. Without such a Team, we would have been COMPLETELY lost. Something I never ever forget.
I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I know these days between Christmas and New Years are very difficult for you. Even if you were not grieving there is always that letdown after Christmas that seems to effect people and how much more so when you are grieving. I understand that it is incredibly difficult to face a year without Mattie in it; I know all of us which we could have altered the trajectory of his life so that he was still here. Perhaps in this coming year you can find a way to honor his memory each day without having it completely overwhelm you. I know that your dreams are shattered and I hope you can find something meaningful that you wish to pursue as the year goes forward. As always, be patient and kind with yourself; give yourself time and space to grieve. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
The second message is from my friend, Tanja, writing all the way from Germany. Tanja wrote, "How are you doing? I can't even imagine how hard the holidays must have been for you and Peter! I find it amazing that you have the energy to get out of bed in the morning and to do so many productive things despite constantly feeling the horrific pain and emptiness of not having Mattie in your life anymore. It is so wonderful of you to support Mary in such a kind and loving way!Today, we had lunch at a restaurant. Tyler was taking some silly pictures of Katharina with his cell phone. Of course, Katharina wanted to see the pictures. As Tyler was trying to locate the picture, he came across a picture of Mattie and you on our swing in our backyard this summer. I'm not sure if you have seen this one but it shows Mattie snuggled up in your lap, with that incredible, loving and trusting smile of his! The picture made the rounds to each of us at the table and each of us paused and reflected on Mattie for a while. I know it is not much comfort to you but Mattie is starting to affect the world - he is even remembered and cherished in Germany. Some of his pictures are also in Katharina's photo albums, which my mom puts together for us. I know that when they are shown to other people, his story will be told! Thank you for sharing Mattie's and your life with us. We all can learn so much from him, you, and Peter!"
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