Saturday, January 2, 2010
Tonight's picture was taken in August 2003, when Mattie was over a year old. We took Mattie to Los Angeles to visit my parents, and he loved their piano. He loved hearing himself play, and Peter was great at encouraging and helping Mattie reach the keys.
A brief moment of darkness
was all that I knew,
before Heaven's Gate
came into my view.
Loved ones and friends
I had missed for many years,
welcomed me with open arms
and many happy tears.
All the hurt, fear and pain
that I have ever known,
is gone from my life,
I am finally home.
I gazed upon the Lord's
sweet smiling face,
and for the first time in my life
I knew and felt His grace.
I know that you miss me,
but please dry your eyes.
I will always be watching and loving you
from my home in the sky.
A cool breeze on your face,
a touch of light rain,
I will send as a reminder
that we will be reunited again.
Life on earth is but one
brief moment in time,
I am finally home,
Eternity is mine.
I finally made it out of our home today, after being quite ill for two days. I am not 100%, but certainly much better, and felt the need to escape the isolation of being stuck in bed. Ann invited me to her daughter, Abigail's ice skating show. When I got to the ice rink, a young woman came up to me and said hello, and said she was thrilled that I was up and about. My mind doesn't always think so clearly anymore, and it took me a few minutes to understand who I was talking to. It was Betsy, one of my former students. Betsy introduced me to her three children. When I taught Betsy she was pregnant with her first child. Betsy is a faithful blog reader and writes to me often. Betsy is a fine example of the loyal and talented students I have worked with over the years. This is the ONE aspect of teaching I miss. I miss my students, I may have been their professor, but through them I gained great insights, perspective, and the inspiration to always learn more.
Ann's daughter, Abigail, and Charlotte are taking ice skating lessons together, and they performed an adorable ice skit to the song, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer." As many of my faithful blog readers know, Mattie was VERY fond of Abigail and Charlotte. In fact, he talked about marrying both of these girls, which always made me laugh, mainly because when I was age 7, I never thought in those terms. Sometimes seeing Abigail or Charlotte takes me back to my times with Mattie. His feelings about them always surface in my head, but I assure you seeing these girls together can be overwhelming. Prior to the show today, Abigail and Charlotte took several pictures together. Though I was present and could witness the picture taking, I just couldn't watch that dynamic. It was just too painful, and landed up with tears in my eyes. It was too painful because Mattie would have loved to be present at this event supporting both of his good friends. In fact, toward the end of Mattie's life, he asked me many questions about whether it was possible to love more than one person. Meaning that he felt guilty for liking Abigail, when his first "love" was Charlotte. This may sound like a cute dialog, but Mattie wasn't trying to be cute. He was very serious, because in his mind he wanted to do the right thing, and be a good friend to both of these girls.
Abigail and Charlotte performed in front of 100s of people today and they did a great job. Not one mistake! They were smiling, and looked like they were having a good time. It was a joy to watch! I, as an observer, get great joy at watching skaters who appear to be dynamic and enjoy what they are doing. Sure it is nice to be technically accurate, but that really doesn't always touch my heart. I react to the emotions and energy expressed by the skaters. It was wonderful to see all these youngsters performing today, but like I said to Ann by the time this was over, I had my fill of children for the day. In a way, it can be a reminder of what I have lost in my life.
Abigail, Ann, and I went out after the show. Abigail and I have our running joke about the weather. She thinks it is warm, and I feel it is absolutely frigid. To show me just how warm she was, she had an ice cream cone. I had great fun with that, and she had great fun telling me that it was the right weather to eat an ice cream cone. I found it particularly interesting that Abigail wanted ONLY vanilla ice cream today. This may not sound unusual, but from my observation Abigail is like me, we are chocolate people. But there are times when I think Abigail makes certain choices that purposefully acknowledge her friend, Mattie. She knew Mattie was a "vanilla person," as he referred to himself. I couldn't help but feel as if Mattie was with us in spirit today, as Abigail ate the ice cream.
This evening, Peter and I had the opportunity to watch two cute little girls, so their mom could visit their dad in the hospital. We met this family a while back through Resurrection Children's Center, and then got to know them from their active roles on Team Mattie. It gave us a great deal of pleasure to be able to help this family. I unfortunately have never had the opportunity to spend much time with these children before tonight, so I was unsure how comfortable they would actually feel with me. But within 30 minutes, I could see we were going to get along just fine. They were delightful to play with and I enjoyed watching them paint and create! At one point tonight, one of the children, Abbie, asked to play the board game Sorry with me. This was one of Mattie's favorite games. I am an EXPERT at losing this game, so playing with me can be almost funny! However, unlike Mattie, who couldn't wait to sock it to me, Abbie's reaction was different. In fact, she really wanted to try to help me get further along than where I was in the game. At one point, she refused to move her last playing piece "home," (which is the object of the game), until I improved my chances of winning. I found her support and empathy very touching! However, in the end, as I lost miserably and she won, I could see the look of happiness on her face. A look I was very familiar with, from my dear Mattie. The game of Sorry brought back happy and fun memories, and I had a good time playing with Abbie tonight. Abbie also introduced me to other games, and we had a good time chatting with each other. I left this evening with a special feeling. The feeling was.... yes I am no longer a mom to Mattie technically, but Mattie taught me how to be a mom, and these skills haven't died. I learned from the best! I am sure others could have told me this, but I needed to experience and feel it for myself.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I am sorry that you continue to be ill. I've read that grief impacts not only your emotional well being but physical as well and that those who are in intense grief have lowered resistance to illness, in fact their systems resemble those who are suffering from immune disorders. It is hard for those who are not in that place to understand how much grief and sadness impact every aspect of your life. As you said in your blog for New Year's we do tend to set markers by our children; often we remember what happened in a given year by where a child was in school or what skill he or she mastered. Although it is certainly no substitute, I am glad you and Peter are involved in helping out others who helped you and I hope the foundation proves to be something of a "marker" for you as time goes on. As I started my practice in the New Year yesterday and the teacher asked us to dedicate our energy to a worthwhile cause, I dedicate it to you and the foundation and I pray it becomes all that you hope it will be."
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