Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2006, as Mattie celebrated his fourth birthday. He had a dinosaur themed party that year, and we held his event at a local nature center. Mattie loved that party because he got to touch things like snakes and other creatures that I wasn't thrilled to see. Mattie was very excited that morning before his party and he was very eager to see his cake and share the day with his preschool friends!
Quote of the day: Sometimes the best therapy I can recommend is getting a new puppy or kitten. It's not a betrayal of their other pet; it's just a new beginning and a way to move past the grief. ~ Julie Breault
Tonight's quote intrigued me. Many of us have experienced the close, special, and tender bond with a pet. However, when your close furry friend dies, it can be a very difficult loss to accept. Our pets mean a great deal to us, and I think in many cases, with family and friends geographically so spread out now a days, our pets become a significant part of our daily lives. As I read this quote, I certainly understand the sentiment behind it, and the need for a new beginning. I have had people talk to me over these past few months about establishing a new beginning. Whether that be moving, returning to work, starting a new career, and the list goes on.
The problem with a NEW BEGINNING, is that means in many ways that you have reached some sort of closure on your former life. Or if not closure, you have willingly decided to close a chapter and open up a new one. Exactly how does that work though when you have lost a child to cancer? New beginnings are not possible, because I never elected to this forcible change in my life. I have a life, and it is different from what I imagined it to be, but it is most definitely not a new beginning. Or a beginning I would wish upon anyone. I also think replacing one loss by adding something else isn't always the best solution. Clearly when grieving big decisions are hard to make, and one isn't always thinking straight.
Tomorrow is Mattie's ninth birthday. For Peter and I, it is a day we shall never forget. I was in labor for practically 48 hours, I had a raging fever during labor and delivery, and it was on April 4, 2002, that I first developed a severe headache. A headache that has never left me. On the days I wonder if I was ever a mom, I just think back to April 4, 2002, and realize that I have lasting physical signs of Mattie's birth. Clearly I have a c-section scar and these chronic headaches. Headaches strangely enough remind me of the day I became a mom, and though I would love to know what it feels like to be normal again, I realize these headaches are symbolic of a bigger picture.
Most parents reading this blog know how to celebrate their child's birthday! It may involve sending out invitations, a party, a family gathering, food, and/or cake. However, how to you celebrate the birthday of your child, if he/she died from cancer? The answer is NOT simple. I can assure you Hallmark doesn't make a card for Peter and I, wishing us a happy birthday to your dead son. Most people in our lives are not sure even how to handle the day. Don't feel bad, because neither do we! However, what I do know is not talking about Mattie's birthday and people not acknowledging the day doesn't feel right. Because that instead means that Mattie has been forgotten. I spoke to Peter today through Skype and though he is working around the clock, he too is perplexed about tomorrow.
I met Carey electronically in September of 2008, when her sister introduced her to Mattie's blog. Lauren and Mattie were both diagnosed with osteosarcoma about a week apart from each other. Though Lauren lives in Pennsylvania, Carey and I became instant e-mail buddies as we were both fighting for our children's lives against the same horrific disease.
We went through similar treatment protocols and we certainly spent endless days and nights in the hospital. It helped to have an osteosarcoma mom to go through this with.
Lauren has had multiple bow sales at school and has raised thousands of dollars. However, the amazing and very touching part is Lauren's non-profit's mission is to raise money for the Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation.
The Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation is so happy to have teenagers like Lauren and Noah (our other face of hope, who is also an osteosarcoma survivor) representing us, speaking out about childhood cancer, and making a difference to help other children and families with cancer. To me they are outstanding role models for children and teens and they are wonderful reminders and motivators for why Peter and I do the work we do each and every day as a Foundation.
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