Monday, December 12, 2011Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2008. Mattie received a birthday gift from our former neighbors who moved to New York City. When our neighbors moved away this was very difficult for us. We got along very well with them. They appreciated Mattie and Mattie loved them and their cats. Surrounding the birthday gift they sent Mattie, was brown paper. On the paper was all sorts of messages to Mattie. Some of the messages were in English and others were in Farsi. In addition, some of the messages were actual lyrics from songs! Mattie LOVED this paper so much, that he took it and taped it to the back of his bedroom door. Where it remains today! This picture captured Mattie when he was six years old!
Quote of the day: In the darkest hour the soul is replenished and given strength to continue and endure. ~ H.W. Chosa
My dad sent Peter and I this quote a week ago. When we looked at it we were both taken aback by the word "replenished." I think this caught our attention because we do not view any one thing as really replenishing our soul after the death of Mattie. I would say however, that there are interactions that I have that help me feel alive and connected to the world. I am not sure these interactions replenish the soul, but they are definitely needed to give me strength to continue and endure.
For Peter and I, Christmas can actually be a very dark holiday. Filled with missed opportunities, loneliness, and the intensity of loss. But these feelings are not just inside of us, they are also all around us. We no longer decorate, exchange Christmas gifts with friends and family, or fill out Christmas cards. Our holiday cards in the past ALWAYS featured Mattie on the front cover, and without Mattie, they do not seem worth writing and mailing. Instead we prefer to just send out a written holiday message to our Mattie Miracle supporters.
Since 2008, my source of safety in many ways became our Team Mattie Coordinator, Ann. There is a great deal of emotion wrapped up in this friendship. Today, just like I have done for the past two years, I spent the day at Ann's house helping her wrap gifts for Christmas. It is ironic, in 2009, my first year helping with the production, I most likely was going through the motions and was too stunned from Mattie's death to process anything. Last year, I must admit I again felt numb to wrappings, bows, and gifts. Today however was a bit different. Certainly I could have sat there and assessed how different our worlds are from one another, and at times I guess a part of me did. But that really wasn't what I was focusing upon. What I deduced was by me helping Ann, in a way I was helping myself. It was helping me be a part of the Christmas process. Because someone is going to feel happy seeing and opening up our wrappings and bows. I have always loved giving gifts more than receiving them, and in some way, it is hard not to be involved in the Christmas card and gift exchanges any more. In many ways, it just seems like a very visible reminder that Peter and I are different. Ann received Christmas cards in the mail today, and I got to see some of them. Again, this is something Peter and I rarely receive now. Which is a night and day difference from when Mattie was alive. When Mattie was in our lives, we would received about 150 or more Christmas cards a year. It was almost too hard to keep up. This is a very tangible difference in our holidays, because the death of Mattie hasn't only impacted us it has impacted others as well and how they connect with us.
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