Sunday, December 11, 2011Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2008 in Mattie's kindergarten class. I came into Mattie's class three times that year to do various projects. The first project was decorating homemade gingerbread cookies, the second project was telling the children a story about my transatlantic journey as a child and introducing them to aspects of Italy and the Italian shipping lines, and the third project was a coconut project. Peter and I both came into class that day. Peter's parents each spring would mail us a coconut (literally with the husk on it, like you would find on the ground at the base of a coconut tree) from Florida. The coconut did not come in a box. Instead, Peter's parents would use a marker and write Mattie's address right on the coconut husk and attach stamps to the husk. We brought the coconut to class that way so the children could see it. Peter snapped a picture of me talking to the children about the wonders of coconuts. I showed them pictures of the different trees, talked with them about the medicinal properties of coconut water, and also discussed the various different things you could build from the husk. Peter then took over and took the kids outside and with an electric saw, hand saw, and hammer, showed the children how DIFFICULT it was to open a fresh coconut. They were fascinated and mesmerized. Peter did this show at Mattie's preschool, so this was his second go around at this production. After the show, the children got to eat homemade coconut bread that I made. I have a feeling the coconut project may be an experience that several of the children may remember even today. However, in typical Mattie fashion, when I visited the classroom, he came to sit right by my side as you can see here.
Quote of the day: Every action in our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity. ~ Edwin Hubble Chapin
This morning as I was sitting in our kitchen, I could hear the birds outside our window. This fall, we placed a bird feeder right outside our kitchen window, so I could see the birds while working in there. My laptop is on the kitchen table and for me this little area is where I do all my work. Seeing and hearing the birds are important to me. As you can see the sparrows have found our new feeder and visit me daily!
I started the day with an ocular migraine, which is NEVER a good way to start the day. I can count on one hand how many ocular migraines I have had in my lifetime. However, each time I get one, the feeling is unnerving. It is unsettling because I lose partial vision in usually my right eye. It is as if I am seeing lightning rods going through my eye. In the past, I freaked out about this. But today I just sat down and closed my eyes until the lightning passed and went away. However, as is typical the lightning is ALWAYS followed by an intense headache. Today's headache did not disappoint.
Later this afternoon, Peter and I met Ann and her daughters and attended a concert called The Living Christmas Tree. I actually attended this production in 2009 with Ann's children. Naturally in December of 2009, only 3 months after Mattie's death I did not know if I was coming or going. Now two years later, I am more stable, and yet feel much more than I did in 2009. Each year, somewhere in this production they sing a song about loss, recognizing that for some of us Christmas is challenging because it makes us reflect on who we have lost in our lives. A loss that changes the whole significance and meaning of the holiday. Tonight's song that captured my attention was entitled "Christmas in Heaven." It talks about how we are earth wonder what Christmas must be like in heaven for our loved ones. It is a frightening thought at times to accept the reality of my loss, and even more daunting to wonder where Mattie is now. My concept of heaven has been altered after Mattie's battle and sometimes I wonder if heaven even exists, or is this something we have come to accept in the Christian faith, because the notion of the alternative is too grave? I never questioned my faith before Mattie's cancer, but now almost anything is up for grabs. Christmas for me is well reflected in this song as well as the song they sang in 2009, Christmas makes me cry. I attached both of them to tonight's posting.
Christmas in Heaven
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YVE7H2QUD-U
On our way home from the concert, we were struck by a glorious Mattie Moon over the Lincoln Memorial! It is hard to accept that Mattie wasn't with us tonight. I sat between Ann and Abbie (her youngest daughter). It was wonderful to watch the concert through Abbie's eyes. Everything seemed to glitter, to be exciting, and some of her commentary throughout the performance was a riot. Yet this energy is no longer something that surrounds me and this brings about great sadness for me.
I would like to end tonight's posting with what I wrote back on the blog in 2009. Sometimes I find it important to reflect upon past submissions, to see how I reacted to a similar situation. In this case, I am looking at how I reacted to the Living Christmas Tree in 2009 versus 2011. Though time has past, the feelings remain VERY fresh and VERY similar.
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December 11, 2009
I had another busy social day today, in which I had lunch with Ann, spent time with Ann's mom, and then went with Ann's children to a Christmas play entitled, The Living Christmas Tree. I had never seen this production before, and for those of you not familiar with it, it is sponsored by a local church in Alexandria, VA. The scenery for the play is VERY creative, because on the stage is a huge Christmas tree that is formed by a choir on risers. In addition to the choir shaped tree, there is a light show going on while the choir is singing. I am not doing the play justice, but it is very clever, very creative, and very moving. In addition to the music, there is also a story line acted out by 8 or more people. The story had a good moral message about the importance of opening your heart to your family, sharing what you have with others, and thinking beyond yourself at this time of year. The play was standing room only and the church was filled with families. There was one particular song that got to me. It did for various reasons, first I had never heard it before, but second and more importantly because the opening line of the song is "I think of loved ones who have passed away, and I pray they are resting in a better place!" I almost felt as if this song was sung just for me, as if Mattie was communicating to me directly tonight. I attached a link to the song, in case you would like to hear it. But I do agree, Christmas can make people cry, and I understand this more this year than ever before.
Sometimes Christmas Makes Me Cry
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mLIHOqA2G8&feature=related
It was interesting while this very serious song was being performed, Ann's son, Michael, and Tanja's daughter, Katharina were sitting next to me. Neither one of them made a peep through this song or even flinched. I couldn't help but feel as if on some level this song made an impression on them, especially as they were sitting next to me. Since I perceive these children as both very sensitive and intuitive, their attention to this song, made me take notice.
Once the performance was over, my friend Christine (who came with us, but sat in a different part of the church with her daughter, Livi, and Abigail, Ann's youngest daughter) and I chatted about the production. I mentioned the song, "Sometimes Christmas Makes Me Cry." Christine immediately responded and said as soon as she heard this song, she thought about Mattie and I. In fact, she told me she felt Mattie's presence at the church tonight. Interesting that Christine and I felt the exact same way about this! Christine told me she is in awe of my strength because she doesn't know how I manage day to day, much less have the courage to attend a Christmas play, surrounded by children. Christine's comments made an impression on me, and I was grateful she said them, because many times I do not give myself credit for the things I manage to accomplish in a day, and I assure you, some days it takes great faith, strength, and courage to just get out of bed.
After the performance was over, we all walked to Christine's car. I walked with Abigail, Michael, and Katharina. Abigail was having a ball watching how cold I was (because it was frigid out), while she perceived herself as feeling toasty warm. We had a good time arguing back and forth about the weather, and while doing this, Katharina and I were in total agreement. It was just plain freezing. Katharina and I walked through the parking lot with arms around each other, in hopes of keeping each other warm. Walking with Katharina made me realize how much I miss the closeness and love you can only get from a child. For that moment, it seemed magical as we connected on an emotional level that went beyond the physical temperature in the air.
After the play, though I was not expecting this, Ann invited me to her community's holiday party. This was therefore my second party I attended, back to back, and as I enter these social situations, I am now extremely cautious. However, I noticed that I knew several women at this party, which is ironic. I don't live in Ann's neighborhood, yet through Ann, I have these connections as well. I guess I learned something about myself tonight and that is, despite being grief stricken, I am still the same social creature I was before my life was completely altered. I had a nice time talking and laughing with Ann's friends, and two of them want me to make centerpieces for their table. I told Ann I would actually be willing to do this as a fundraising opportunity for Mattie's Foundation. I was very happy to hear how much these women liked what I did for Ann's table, and though I wouldn't have even entertained making more candied trees, I keep thinking about what my friend Karen said to me. Which was to use my creativity in some positive way, and I can't think of a more positive way then to raise money for the Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation!
After the party, I went back to Ann's house and we talked for several hours. Clearly Ann and I spend a great deal of time together and in this process the strength and power of our relationship grows exponentially. The past two days, have forced me socially out of my comfort zone, and yet despite my fears, I managed and connected with others. Of course, I always know that if I need to step out of these social moments, Ann will not only understand but support me through the process.
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