Friday, January 6, 2012

Friday, January 6, 2012

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2002, Mattie was 8 months old. Can you guess who he was looking at here? My faithful readers probably know without me even having to ask the question. In many of Mattie's pictures as a baby, you could tell whether he was looking at me or at Peter. I didn't deduce this actually, it was Peter who pointed this fact out to me. However, I must admit Peter was correct! Mattie was transfixed on me and I have been told that Mattie smiled a special smile just for me.

Quote of the day: The heart is like a garden, it can grow compassion or fear, resentment or love. What seeds will you plant there? ~ Jack Kornfield

Tonight's quote intrigues me. It seems to fall in line with my quotes of compassion and starting anew, which I posted a few days ago! However, being a realist, sometimes we must accept that life plants the seeds for you. You can't always elect to grow compassion, fear, resentment or love. Instead, I would beg to say that life plants ALL of these things in our lives, and what we CAN control is what we wish to cultivate and nurture. I will give you an example.

Having your child diagnosed with cancer maybe one of the most horrific things you can tell a parent. As bad as that is, and that is BAD, hearing that there is nothing left that can be done and your child will die, it simply devastating. I am very aware of the fact that there are other forms of devastation that human beings face on a daily basis, and I have never claimed to have corned the market on pain. But from my own perspective (which is what this blog journals) this has and continues to be my form of devastation. So reflecting back on the quote, it was life NOT me that planted cancer, cancer treatment, and the death of Mattie upon me. But what am I going to do with these horrific "seeds?!" I could check out on life, make other people as miserable as I feel, or simply hold accountable the medical and pharmaceutical professions for being inadequate, limited, and ineffective. However, I don't! Instead, I live with these seeds of destruction and instead of growing bitterness, fear, hostility, anger, and disgust (which is what can sprout from cancer), I try to grow the opposite of what the seeds can produce. None of us can control the seeds planted in our garden, but I am QUITE sure we all have control and should be empowered to assess our seeds and determine which we want to weed out and which must be watered, fed, and maintained within our heart.

I had the wonderful opportunity today to have lunch with my friends Denise and Marisa. Denise and I are both graduates of the George Washington University and her daughter Marisa was instrumental in helping me with Mattie in the summer of 2009. Marisa never knew Mattie when he was well, so she was at a disadvantage, yet she never skipped a beat and was able to handle the challenges of playing with a seven year old with cancer. Marisa is also the young lady who has run our Walk bake sale three years in a row. This year will be her fourth year with us. Marisa just got back from a term abroad to Florence and we had a wonderful time at lunch reliving her adventures and experiences. She even brought me back my own bottle of olive oil from Italy! It is very clear that travel maybe one of life's greatest educators and I am so happy to have seen this growth in Marisa.

That was the highlight of my day. However, it was a busy day and I find that tonight I am not feeling well. Between Peter and my doctor, they are working on getting me back to feeling better soon.

I would like to end tonight's posting with a beautiful and meaningful message I received today from Liz. I have never met Liz, we have only traded emails with each other. However, we are connected by mutual friends. I was deeply honored to receive Liz' message because what she is telling me in essence is I am like Anna. Liz wrote, "I’m an avid blog reader, and at some point last year we exchanged a few emails. I never got to meet Mattie, but I know of your blog through mutual school acquaintances and teachers. I wanted to pass along a blog post I recently read. This paragraph below stood out to me. I don’t know the woman who writes this blog, but I was drawn in by this post. It really captured everything I have been feeling over the years as I have read your blog. Your openness and willingness to share has meant so much to me as I’m sure it has to so many of your readers. Your point of view is so very important and I’m hopeful that many others will be able to see it one day. Thanks again for keeping up the blog and continuing to communicate with your readers. I for one am incredibly appreciative."

“At the start of 2011, I definitely would have told you that family is everything.

But a few weeks ago I sat with my friend Anna, who lost her Jack this year. She is suffering through excruciating pain that I’m afraid might just morph and never ease. But listen- when I looked at Anna- I was not looking at a woman with nothing. And it wasn’t just because she has Tim and Margaret left on this side. What I mean is that I was in the presence of a woman who has the entire world in her hands.

Anna is a woman who has power to heal -herself and others. Because Anna has choices. She could curse God and die, and we would all understand. But she doesn’t. She’s alive. Anna’s decision to write, to stay open, to invite us in when she’s most vulnerable, to get out of bed each morning, to keep choosing hope and love and life and to face the horrifically painful truth instead of hiding – her determination that THERE WILL STILL BE JOY, DAMN IT – these choices are healing and awakening her family, friends and readers. A teeny, teeny bit at a time. And since the worst has already happened, Anna is a woman who, at the moment, is loving and living without fear. And that is something.”