Thursday, January 5, 2012Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2007, at Mattie's fifth birthday party! Mattie's party was held at the National Zoo and it was a day to remember. Why? Because it was pouring, not just drizzling or slightly raining! It was like a deluge, with flooding everywhere. The zoo's policy however is that parties go on rain or shine. Needless to say the kids got a tour of the zoo (outside) and we all got soaked to the bone. Umbrellas weren't cutting it! What I thought was horrific, the kids thought was an adventure and special. Since it was pouring there were NO other visitors at the zoo, so in a way, it was like a private tour for Mattie's birthday. In addition we were all in amazement to see how many animals were out in the rain and on display. My standing joke about the National Zoo is you go to the zoo to see the animals, and many of them are usually hiding and you land up seeing nothing. But that day, the animals were all out and about and putting on a good show.
Quote of the day: With each sunrise, we start anew. ~ Anonymous
With each sunrise, we start anew! What a beautiful and deeply meaningful quote. I find this just as stirring as "one day at a time." Both sayings are very simple and yet in their simplicity they inspire great hope. Why? Because one day may be difficult, horrific, and challenging and yet that day can be put to bed, and when we rise the next day there is the possibility that we can feel differently or in essence start anew. Anyone who has ever battled depression or grief for example understands this philosophy quite well, and many days it is our mantra going through our heads. It is a mantra that keeps us intact and with some sort of direction and hope for a tomorrow.
I know when Mattie was battling cancer I went from being a future oriented person to a person who could only live in the present. In many ways, that aspect of my life hasn't changed even though Mattie has died. I no longer think about the future, make plans for the future, or at times look forward to it. When in mental pain and anguish it takes as much energy as one can muster to make it through a single day. When you feel this dejected and burdened it is impossible, if not inhumane, to think of living a lifetime feeling this way. Which is why I believe the brain adapts and helps us move from a future orientation to processing life one day at a time.
Today was my friend Alison's birthday. Alison was instrumental to Team Mattie and though our sons were in kindergarten together, it was in Mattie's illness that I really got to know her. Ann and I visited with Alison at her house and then went out to lunch together. Though we did not discuss this, when the three of us are together I can't help but remember our times together in the hospital brainstorming next steps or ways to support Mattie. It is a dynamic that I most likely will never forget, mainly because my son connected the three of us together. Together we talked about life and death issues and tried to navigate through one of life's most horrific moments. It is at times hard to move passed that connection and realize that the unifying force is gone from our lives. Mattie is gone, but in many ways, his spirit lives on through these connections. In the mood I was in yesterday, I probably wouldn't have deduced this or have been able to put any sort of positive spin on this, but each day is a new day, and with each new day sometimes I gain perspective.
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