Monday, June 25, 2012Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2004. Mattie was in our living room, and was playing with Mr. Potato Head. However, as you can see the yellow glasses did not land up on their rightful owner (Mr. Potato Head) but on Mattie instead. Mattie loved the many different combinations of creatures he could make with Mr. Potato Head's body. The funny part about Mattie's creations were that they did not always mimic reality. For example, some of his creatures had legs and arms coming out of their heads!
Quote of the day: May I live this day compassionate of heart, clear in word, gracious in awareness, courageous in thought, generous in love. ~ John O'Donohue
I remained at home all day today since we had some work being done there. Staying at home at times can make me feel stir crazy, but lately I have found I feel quite the opposite. Leaving home takes great motivation, as does wanting to interact with others.
While at home, I decided to order something we needed on-line. Once I completed the transaction, another screen popped up asking me to take the store's customer survey. The survey did not take very long, but one of the identifying questions on the survey asked me to indicate how many children I have. This was a multiple choice question, with various options to select from. Of course there was NO right option for me. After all, I couldn't indicate I have a 10 year old living in my home, despite the fact, that if Mattie were alive he would be that age. So the only option that made sense for me given the context of this survey, was that I have NO children. Though Mattie has been gone from our lives for two years now, this is the first time I have been faced with such a multiple choice question. No matter how I would have answered it, the feelings that arise from the response are just not good.
Loss causes a person to redefine one's self, one's interest, one's priorities, and one's outlook about the future. I have talked to many moms who have lost a child to cancer, and for all of us, I think the consensus is that the lost child is always a part of us and our family, yet depending upon the social or professional context we are in or whom we are talking to, this can alter the information we wish to divulge. For example, when I am out shopping, and I open up my wallet to pay for an item, I have had people comment about my wallet pictures of Mattie. Naturally the store clerks have absolutely no idea that such a healthy looking child could possibly have gotten cancer and then died. But answering their questions at times is hard, because I have found given the circumstances, the nature of the interaction, and who is around us, my answer will be different. Either the answer will be short and sweet, acknowledging that this is a picture of my son, and at other times, the answer is much more detailed and explicit. Naturally I could remove Mattie's pictures from my wallet altogether, so that such a chance occurrence and interaction doesn't occur, but in my mind I would be removing the pictures for the wrong reasons. I decided a while ago that Mattie's pictures were staying, and if they make others uncomfortable and ill at ease, then I simply can't take ownership for their feelings. Childhood cancer is a fact, it exists and tears up families. If Mattie's pictures enable others to learn more about the disease's prevalence and impact, then I would say these pictures not only have a special meaning to me but ultimately to others. My hunch is parents of healthy children look at these photos and say..... "I am lucky this isn't happening to my children!" Indeed!!!! If you have a healthy child, you in essence have received one of life's greatest gifts.
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