Sunday, October 14, 2012

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. Mattie and his big buddy, Brandon, were in the Child Life Playroom at the Hospital. These two buddies were at least ten years apart in age, and yet they connected and helped each other in numerous ways. The structure sitting in front of them in this photo was a Mattie and Brandon creation. A creation made out of LOTS of popsicle sticks. Mattie was the ultimate builder. He could work with just about any material and always found a way to make it structurally sound. A real gift!


Quote of the day: Don't be content in your life just to do no wrong. Be prepared every day to try to do some good. ~ Nicholas Winton


On certain occasions I have the opportunity to see not only children who are Mattie's age (if he were alive today), but children who knew Mattie and were actually friends with him. This is a challenging position to be in, which is why I have talked to other moms who have also lost a child to cancer and asked them how they handle and feel about such a situation. Believe it or not, there is NO standard answer. Some of us feel good to see our child's friends, because they connect us to our loss, and others find this beyond overwhelming and sad. Of course there are also feelings that lie all along the continuum. I am not sure where I am with this, and frankly I think it depends on the day. Since I know my reaction could be different based on my own vulnerabilities, needs, and how I am feeling physically and emotionally.

This afternoon, I had the opportunity to see one of Mattie's closest friends, Zachary. Mattie and Zachary were practically inseparable in preschool, in fact, for them it was like friendship at first sight. They met on the first day of school, and were instantly drawn to each other. Over the two years they were in preschool together, Mattie and Zachary spent a great deal of time together after school. They spent so much time playing that I would say other than my own child, Zachary became a close second for me. I knew his highs and lows, his preferences, and his likes and dislikes. Yet Zachary and I haven't spent much time together naturally since Mattie died from cancer. Yet when I saw Zachary in a group setting today with other kids, I could just sense we related to each other. Words weren't necessary, it was just a camaraderie we share because of our times together. Others may not have felt it, or even observed it, but I sensed it immediately. I could see it based on his checking in with me and looking to me for approval as to what he was doing. 

This interaction really came at the right time in my life, because there are days and moments when I worry about forgetting that I was a mom. One's mind can play tricks on you in grief, and as more time goes by, I wonder if I ever really was a mom. Seeing Zachary today answered that doubt, because in his own subtle way (and unintentionally, which is the beauty of this) he reminded me that I was a mom, Mattie's mom, and we will always have a connection with each other because of their amazing bond.