Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Tuesday, October 16, 2012 -- Mattie died 162 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. Mattie went to his buddy Campbell's house and as you can see enjoyed a wonderful Halloween cookie. Mattie met Campbell in kindergarten and they became very close friends. Watching Mattie and Campbell play together was always a treat because they both loved to build and create, and had wonderful imaginations. Their imaginative play was a sight to see. A playdate for them was always active and never involved the TV or electronics. In many ways their type of play was very unique and rare to see in today's day and age, where electronic stimulation has almost replaced the imagination that we had to have as children growing up. I will always remember the play and friendship between this duo fondly.



Quote of the day: When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too. ~ Paulo Cohelo


Tonight's quote seems quite apropo considering the hospital meeting I just attended. At the hospital, I serve on a parent advisory board. This is my third year on this board and I joined it in hopes of making a difference in the lives of children and families at the hospital. Keep in mind that I am the only parent on the board who lost a child, and I do think this impacts my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. At times it is hard knowing that Mattie did not survive, and I am the only bereaved parent in this group. Yet the members of the board are wonderful and committed individuals who are passionate about helping and making a difference. Which is a great motivator for me! This brings me to tonight's quote. Our board is guided by love and compassion. We unite together every month with the goal of making the lives better for those in crisis, and though this is a noble cause, I am well aware of the fact that money talks. Some parent boards raise money for the hospital and these boards get more attention, notice, and respect than let's say the board I am on. What a screwed up society we are, a society where money talks louder almost than good deeds. It is vital when confronted with skewed priorities (individual versus a system), that we stay committed to our convictions. It is easy to get down and upset by this lack of respect and value we are given for our service, but in the end we must see that our vision is based out of love, and love will inspire us to make the system better for children and parents who have to use it.

When I entered the hospital tonight I was literally hit with an incredible antiseptic smell. Naturally I have been to the hospital all summer long, but it is ironic that tonight the smell absolutely hit me, or I should say brought me right back to July of 2008. I truly believe that grief is a sensory experience, it impacts our sight, hearing, touch, and smell. As tonight's experience illustrates, certain smells can evoke memories, and naturally not all memories are loving and happy. The smell triggered my memory of our times in the hospital, that was the first affront. Then the second affront was visual, I had a heightened awareness that I was walking down the stark white hallway of the hospital, a hallway I walked many times with Mattie. In essence, it was like reliving the battle all over again. I haven't had a reaction like this in quite some time, so my feelings caught me off guard. However, in tonight's meeting, Mattie's sedation nurse angel, Debbi, was there, and some how her presence helped in ways I can't quite describe.

Some of you know I have been working on a craft project in the midst of everything else I am doing. I took on this project because I just wanted to. Though these are fall colors, they are most definitely Mattie colors. Basically I bought a beautiful ceramic pumpkin shaped bowl, filled it with Styrofoam, and designed a floral display with silk flowers, silk leaves, and orange gourds. I love sunflowers, so as you can see they are well represented here.