Thursday, October 18, 2012Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2007, nine months before Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. That weekend we took Mattie to Butler's Orchard in Maryland. This was one of our favorite farms to take Mattie to because they took people on a hayride into the pumpkin patches, where children could literally pick pumpkins right off the vine. As you can see, Mattie picked this pumpkin, and actually several others that day. I am not sure what he loved more the pumpkins, the wheelbarrows, or the hayride on a tractor.
Quote of the day: Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. ~ Mahatma Gandhi
Gandhi's quote intrigues me because his definition of happiness is something that I can freely accept even in my state of grief. When I reflect on the harmony among what I think, say, and do this makes a great deal of sense to me, rather than the typical definition of happiness, which I have trouble accepting and swallowing. Typically when we think of happiness (going right to Webster's Dictionary) it is defined as "a state of well-being and contentment, joy, or a pleasurable or satisfying experience."
Joy and happiness are NOT words I like anymore. In fact it is very hard after the death of a child to allow these feelings inside. A pervasive sense of guilt comes upon me when I think of them, and chances are if you have used them with me in conversation then you know I have pushed back at you. Do I think Mattie wants Peter and I to be happy? Do I think he would be happy knowing how much we miss him and how profoundly changed our lives are? I don't know, but I do suspect that on September 8, 2009, Mattie did not want to die. He understood on some level that leaving us was unnatural. As his doctor told me, she had to give Mattie propofol to help him die because he did not want to let go. The strength of a seven year old, fighting for his life, is an image that will remain with me forever. Once you heard your child flat line in your arms, finding happiness and joy in life seem impossible.
As the Foundation activities are taking off, my days are becoming busier. The mental power of balancing activities and tasks has its own challenges. However, in the midst of working, I was greeted by our first shipment of candy for the Foundation's Post-Halloween Candy drive. When I opened the box, this was a sight for sore eyes. Being a chocolate lover, it takes great discipline not to eat it myself. But I am happy to report that no chocolate was lost last year from my consumption. Much thanks Maria for this wonderful delivery. A delivery that will make families of hospitalized children VERY happy!
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