Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2007, on one of the beaches in Deerfield, FL. Mattie preferred the sand over the water, and I would say Mattie had a healthy respect for the ocean. Nonetheless Mattie was fascinated by the waves and together with Peter, Mattie went to get his feet wet. From an early age Mattie seemed to understand things that could potentially hurt him, and therefore we never had to child proof things. Mattie challenged us in other ways, but if you rationalized with Mattie and explained things that were off limits and why, he got it quickly and took my word for it.


Quote of the day: When you lose someone, you get used to living day to day without them. But you’ll never get used to the “10 second heartbreak.” That’s the time it takes to wake to full consciousness each day and remember… ~ Nina Guilbeau


I found tonight's quote on the Internet and as soon as I read the "10 second heartbreak," I immediately appreciated the author's terminology. Peter and I may be used to the day to day living without Mattie, but I assure you as soon as our eyes open in the morning, we are jolted back into our reality. After all, it is not as if I am going to wake up one day and find out all of this was a bad dream. Our reality is never changing! When people tell me about their day to day issues or complaints, I must admit running in the back of my mind is the mantra..... "your problem is fixable!" Fixable problems are problems for sure, but they are a blessing. A blessing because something can be done about them. I am not saying that other issues aren't as painful or traumatic, certainly I do not corner the market on this, but death is final.

A friend sent me the below on-line article a day or so ago. I think the messages in the article are needed for this time of year. The holiday season seems to put undue pressure on people. We all strive for a Norman Rockwell holiday where everyone gets along, the table is filled with beautiful and tasty foods, and happiness abounds! But the reality of this picture is that it doesn't depict our REAL lives. It depicts our hopes and dreams of what life should or could look like. I posted the article below for you to read if interested. Yet the section entitled, "Honor your departed loved one," though designed for someone like myself did NOT resonate with me at all. The paragraph talks about how those who are bereaved tend to fear remembering their loved one during the holidays. I naturally can't relate to this notion, since remembering is all I do. DAILY!!! The tip goes on to discuss creating holiday ornaments with your children to honor those who have died. Again, not a tip relevant to me! Which points out yet again that the death of a child is NOT normal, rarely discussed, and can't even be found in tips created by an on-line grief group! Interesting!!!! 

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When the Holidays Hurt: 5 tips to help those grieving a death find moments of joy during the holidays By Chris Raymond

 

For those mourning the loss of a loved one, holiday baubles, bells and bright lights can feel anything but joyful. Here are five tips to help those grieving a death cope with the holiday season.

Unlock the Door to New Traditions

English novelist Somerset Maugham once said, "Tradition is a guide and not a jailer." Despite this, the holiday traditions we form over many years with a spouse, child, parent or other significant loved one can often feel just as inescapable as the bars of a prison. Sending out Christmas cards, baking that special holiday dessert, shopping on Black Friday, participating in the neighborhood lights/decorations contest, etc., might be interwoven with your happiest holiday memories, but will your particular tradition really bring you joy this year? If not, consider changing it so you feel more comfortable. Remember, you can always resume your original tradition down the road if you'd like, but you might discover that a new tradition is just as satisfying.

 

It's O.K. to Say N.O.

Every year, your family looks forward to coming to your house on Christmas Eve for carols and cocoa. But this year, the thought of decorating the house and trimming the tree all by yourself feels overwhelming. Or perhaps you've organized the holiday music pageant at your church or community center for the past several seasons, but now, your heart just isn't in it. While the thought of altering your holiday routine might feel difficult, you need to determine how much responsibility you feel comfortable taking on and then clearly communicate that to your family and friends. Ask yourself if you just want help with a particular task or if you'd prefer someone else take it on entirely this year. Remind yourself that it's okay to say "no" as you adjust to life after loss.

Nothing's Perfect. And Neither are You

Most of us carry a mental picture of what the holidays "should" be like. Books, magazines, movies, television commercials and even our childhood memories can fuel this idealization by creating an image of what a "perfect" Hanukah, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Kwanzaa, [insert holiday here] looks like. This can create a lot of pressure, which is another source of stress you don't need to deal with right now. Therefore, give yourself a pass this holiday season by accepting things as they are. Who cares if a few Christmas lights are burned out if the warmth of hearth and home shines brightly? Maybe you didn't spend as much time wrapping those gifts for the kids as you usually do, but when was the last time a child refused a gift because of the wrap job? Turkey a little dry this year? Add a little more gravy. Whatever comes up, repeat to yourself: "Just let it go."

Honor Your Departed Loved One

Often, those mourning a death wonder, "How can I avoid thinking about him/her during the holidays?" The truth is, you can't entirely -- so why even try? Instead of living in fear that you'll start remembering your loved one and feeling sad, empower yourself by incorporating his or her memory into your plans. When you're with your family, light a candle in your loved one's honor that can quietly signify his or her presence in your hearts. Or make some popcorn and sit down together as a family to watch his or her favorite holiday movie. If you're the creative type, make special holiday ornaments with your children or grandchildren and hang them in a place of honor on your Christmas tree. If you feel up to it, ask your family to share their favorite memories of your loved one, or visit the cemetery, memorial site or a place significant in the life of your loved one together.

Discover the True Joy of Giving

We always hear that giving is better than receiving, but how many of us really believe that? Well, consider this the holiday when you will put that old chestnut to the test by helping someone else cope with the holiday blues in some small way. Donate toys for children or warm clothing to the homeless. Help feed the hungry or support seniors. Adopt a needy family or make a charitable contribution in memory of your loved one.

 

Sources:"Tips for Handling the Holidays." www.griefnet.org.