Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2008. Mattie was three months into treatment and already had two limb salvaging surgeries. When Mattie was battling cancer there were times he did not want to leave his two by four of a hospital room. This made our existence very challenging and simply depressing. I know this photo was taken on a Friday, because that was the day the Georgetown Chemistry Club came to visit the children in the hospital. Typically they performed in the hallway, but that day they came into Mattie's room to give him a private show. As you can see Mattie was quite debilitated and three out of his four limbs were truly NOT usable. I am not sure how we lived through this devastation, but I do know that distractions from the chemistry club were a huge hit with Mattie. We both looked forward to Fridays! We technically had our freedom, but at times I felt like a prisoner and the PICU was my penitentiary.
Quote of the day: Before you tell a grieving parent to be grateful for the children they have, think about which one of yours you could live without. ~ Anonymous
While working today, I received an e-newsletter from a childhood cancer organization. One of the articles in the newsletter IMMEDIATELY caught my attention. The title was, Six things never to say to a bereaved parent. I have my own top ten list but was curious to see what this mom had to say and to find out if she and I were even on the same wavelength. The answer is OF COURSE we are! She spelled out six things which I completely agree with and have expressed NUMEROUS times on this blog and even within many of our Foundation talks. Her list of what NOT to say to a grieving parent includes:
1. Time heals all wounds
2. Let go.... move on
3. Have faith
4. Everything happens for a reason
5. At least
6. Be thankful
I attached the link to the article below, in case you would like to read it for yourself. Angela's number one platitude which I too can't stand is TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS! I wish it did, but actually it doesn't. Time may change the feelings associated with the loss, or how we have learned to cope with it, but it doesn't heal it. I actually do not know why such commentary comes out of people's mouths. I suppose because the death of a child puts all of us at a loss and makes us uncomfortable, therefore we grasp for words. But words can be either powerfully healing or bitterly painful.
I suspect whether we are talking about Angela's, myself, or another grieving parent's list of things not to say, there is one major commonality in each of these lists. The overlap is what we don't like being judged. Platitudes are laced with judgment. Telling us that time heals all wounds, to have faith, that God gives us only things we can handle, and so forth are value and judgment based. When hearing these statements, all we really are hearing is judgment and some sort of rationalization for our loss. Totally negating our feelings and further illustrating our differences with the "healthy" world.
When I read an article like Angela's it just points out to me that my feelings and thoughts are not unique. There are other people out there like me, and I am not alone. Despite the fact that I can certainly feel alone especially when I surround myself with friends who have healthy children. Children who once knew Mattie. When I am with these moms, I am an outlier, my feelings are odd, different, and just not understandable.
Though it isn't mentioned in this article, another word that also bothers me is the simple word, SORRY. Certainly when talking to a grieving parent and you incorporate sorry within your dialogue and explain why you are sorry, then this has context and meaning. But I know when I have tried to express my feelings and thoughts to someone and the only response back I get is this five letter answer......sorry, this is truly problematic! This one word in such an empty context, can be interpreted as dismissive. It automatically shuts down conversation, because it in essence is saying............ don't tell me anymore. Which of course is the exact opposite of what helps and supports a parent through the loss of a child.
One thing is very clear to me, the loss of a child seems to be so life altering that parents write about it, establish foundations, and are transformed into completely different people. That is a fact, not just a Vicki speculation! Throughout the grief journey I think it is valuable to hear thoughts and feelings from other grievers because it is through these words that we see the truth, the reality, and we find an emotional home. A home in which sorrys and platitudes are checked at the front door!
http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/01/6-things-never-say-bereaved-parent/
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