Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. Right before Mattie's first limb salvaging surgery. Mattie was standing in the middle of his school's football team. Mattie's school is divided into three different campuses, Mattie having completed kindergarten on the lower school campus. However, these football players were in high school, so that day we visited the upper school campus to get to know them. Notice that Mattie was standing on the School's track, this is the same track that we walk around each May during our Foundation's annual awareness Walk. The track is very symbolic for me, and when I am on it, I think of Mattie and this moment in time with him. It was in 2008, that I also met Dave Holm. Dave was the head coach of the football team at the time. Dave fell in love with Mattie and became an integral part of Team Mattie. He visited Mattie often at home and in the hospital, and also made sure his team stood behind Mattie. They showed their support by giving Mattie signed footballs and even enlarged this blog photo and personally signed their names to it.
Quote of the day: When your past shows up to haunt you, make sure it comes after supper so it doesn't ruin your whole day. ~ Jay Wickre
I spent the day at the DC Superior Courthouse. I was called to jury duty. Jury Duty in the District of Columbia is an every two year ordeal. In fact, my joke is they should send me my summons with an anniversary card! It comes like clock work. Probably the most efficient system we have in DC! I would say for the most part no one truly loves reporting in for jury duty, but for me, today's experience created intense anxiety.
Why should jury duty evoke anxiety? I am not sure per se, but I know what my triggers are and they center around noise and having no control of my movements and what I am allowed to do. In many ways, serving as a juror in DC is a bit like feeling imprisoned. The anxious feeling started as soon as I walked into the building, having to walk through metal detectors. The detector flagged that I had a camera in my purse. There are two things that are with me at all times..... my phone and my camera. I did not realize that cameras were not allowed into the courthouse (let's not talk about cameras on iphones, yet those are not confiscated!). Needless to say, I won't be making that mistake again! Any case, the security team held my camera for me throughout my jury duty service. When I gave them my camera, I gave it to them in a little pouch that I store it in. Attached to the pouch is a small pin of mickey mouse. Mattie got this pin while battling cancer. I carry this pin with me everywhere (the pin also has a story behind it!). One of my fears was the pin was going to get lost and I wouldn't get it back again. You would think I would have been worried about the actual camera, but in reality that is replaceable, the pin isn't.
I literally reported to the jury duty office and within minutes, I was called to serve on a trial. Having served every two years, I have been called inside a court room before, but today was different. Today, I was automatically sent to sit within the 14 chair jury box. Meaning I was scheduled to be impaneled on this trial. How it works in DC, is that you enter a courtroom with about 50 other jurors. If they eliminate the jurors in the box through the voir dire (prospective jurors are questioned about their backgrounds and potential biases before being chosen to sit on a jury. Voir Dire is the process by which attorneys select, or perhaps more appropriately reject, certain jurors to hear a case) process, then they need back ups in order to get to a full 14 person jury.
While these 50 jurors were being led in and directed to seats, I was watching the prosecuting attorneys. One was a woman and she appeared to have a seating chart of the jury in front of her. She was mentally studying us. While she was studying us, I was studying her and I could determine based on how she was looking at me, she wanted me on her case. Of course pointing at me and talking to her colleague was a dead give away. There was definite profiling going on and I knew this was being determined solely on how I looked.
Meanwhile, we were introduced to the judge, who asked us 15 questions in the voir dire process. Needless to say, I had many issues with the case and when I spoke to the judge and the attorneys I was dismissed back to the jury pool. The jury pool in DC is enormous, several hundred people report to jury duty a day in DC. Any case, this was one case when being the chair of the DC licensure board gave me insights that could potentially make me bias on the case, not to mention that my uncle was a NYC police officer and detective.
Going into the court room wasn't what made me anxious. It was sitting in the jury pool with hundreds of people. You are practically on top of each other, the public announcement systems are blaring and going off all the time, I could hear jurors talking about their own drug addictions with each other, and then seeing police and US Marshalls roaming around was more than enough. Honestly if I wasn't dismissed this afternoon, I wasn't sure I was going to make it any longer.
It seems fascinating to me that stress and trauma in one place can translate over into another. But the anxiety I felt within the hospital, resurfaced today. Though I have been home for several hours, I still feel shaky and as if my heart is going to jump out of my chest. I have had these issues since Mattie died and if I wasn't assessed by a cardiologist, I would be in a panic right about now. But I know this is mind over matter, and I have to just rationalize with myself. Nonetheless, I mention this because one wouldn't think Mattie's cancer battle and jury duty would have any thing in common. Yet everything about Mattie's cancer impacts all aspects of my life. I try to protect myself from certain situations now that I feel could trigger my anxiety, but jury duty is not one that I have any control over.
Mattie's battle is over, Mattie died, and yet the aftermath of both still wage their own war inside of me. It takes a lot in certain circumstances to keep it together, and today was just such an occasion.
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