Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2007. Mattie had just come home that afternoon from kindergarten and his after school construction club. In this construction club, they would take everyday objects and build with them. As you can see Mattie's masterpiece used tape, paper towel tubes, boxes, plastic containers, and then he colored some of the items with markers. Literally each week Mattie would come home from school with different items from his club, and he did not like parting with any of them. Finally as things would begin to accumulate, we had an agreement with each that I would photograph his art before saying good-bye to any of the pieces. Mattie's time in construction club was actually crucial because when Mattie developed cancer, he took the skills he learned in construction club and transferred them into his hospital life. In the hospital he collected boxes and other found materials and literally built with all these great things! The possibilities were endless and in a confined space this was ideal.
Quote of the day: Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack. A crack in everything. That's how the light gets in. ~ Leonard Cohen
My friend Charlie sent me this list of "20 things I wish someone told me about grief." This is a list which I find quite meaningful and now that Mattie has been gone five years, I feel that this list makes a great deal of sense to me on an emotional level. Losing Mattie to cancer has been beyond tragic and has altered our lives forever. Feeling so absolutely lost, our compass has been the Foundation for the past five years. Instead of nurturing Mattie, we are nurturing his proxy. Something that embodies his name, his spirit, and his memory. But this investment is just that, it is grounded by love and it requires time and a great deal of energy. So in death, you land up seeing the profound role that someone played or could have played in your life. When that person is no longer there, it leaves an incredible void, and sometimes that void can never be filled. Such as in the loss of a child.
When Mattie died, I learned a lot about my support networks, and those I could and couldn't count on. People I thought would always be there for me, surprisingly weren't! Even people I knew for decades. I can't quite explain how this happens, but it does. Such losses of social connections and friendships are quite painful to face, and frankly I would say that is one of the biggest eye openers about loss and grief. It is a continuous journey of multiple losses. The death of Mattie, produced a cascade of other losses in my life. Which when you sum them altogether, it becomes downright perplexing and overwhelming.
Yet somehow even in the darkest moments of grief, there are those who give us strength. Those unexpected earthly angels who are there for us, give us a smile, an email, a text message, and let us know we are thought about, important, and not forgotten. To these angels...... they will never be forgotten. It is amazing how a kind word can transform even the darkest of days.
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20
Things I Wish Someone Told Me About Grief by Shannon Kaiser
1.
We
don't actually get over losses. We absorb them, and they redirect us into a
more grounded way of living.
2.
You'll
discover depths of your love you never knew existed.
3.
Never
regret loving the way you did. Love is always worth it.
4.
People
may say hurtful, stupid things. Don’t take it personally. They are often just
trying to help.
5.
There
isn’t always a spiritual aha moment or a reason. Sometimes, it
just is what it is.
6.
Know
you did the best you could with the time you had. Forgive yourself. There is
nothing more you could have done or said.
7.
Anger
is normal. Feel it. Embrace it. Allow it to work through you.
8.
Death
brings out the best in families. It will also bring out the worst. Be prepared.
9.
Losing
a loved one might make you question your purpose and your own goals. That can
be a beautiful thing.
10.
You
will find comfort in the most unexpected places.
11.
Sudden
bursts of emotion are part of the process. Allow yourself to be fully present
in them.
12.
There
is no such thing as normal when it comes to grieving. Be patient and kind to
yourself.
13.
People
will show you who they truly are. When times are tough you will see others true
colors.
14.
You
will never go back to being your “old” self.
15.
There
is no timeline for grieving.
16.
Losing
a loved one reminds us of what matters most in life. Don’t lose perspective.
17.
Experiencing
great loss is an opportunity to drop the ego and live more from your heart.
18.
Numbing
the pain will make it worse. Don't procrastinate the process. Feel your
feelings.
19.
Your
life was richer and more wonderful because of the love you had.
20.
What
feels like the end is often a new beginning.
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