Sunday, September 28, 2014

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2007. I will never forget this moment. Mattie and I went over to his friend Zachary's house. Zachary's nanny, Sara, just had a baby. When Mattie was in preschool, Mattie and Zachary played practically everyday after school together. They were the best of friends. Because they spent so much time together, by circumstance so did Sara and I. Sara and I got to know each other quite well and I actually trusted Sara with Mattie. Which was saying a lot because I was very protective of Mattie. But I liked Sara's caregiving style and since we spent a lot of time together, I knew how she handled practically every situation and she also managed disagreements between Mattie and Zachary very fairly. As you can see in this photo, Mattie got to hold the baby. This was Mattie's first and last experience holding a baby. He seemed to really enjoy the whole process. On an aside, years later after Mattie died, I had the opportunity to meet Sara's baby, who grew up and by that time was Mattie's age. When I met him, he reminded me so much of Mattie, it was uncanny. Rather ironic how that all worked out. 


Quote of the day: You are what you do, not what you say you'll do. ~ Carl Jung

Peter and I have decided this Fall to visit Mattie's tree every weekend until we have our first frost. We feel the need to nurture the tree through the Fall and most likely will do the same thing once the Spring comes. The only way to truly know how this tree is doing is to observe it for ourselves. So every weekend we visit and water it ourselves. We placed enough mulch around this tree so that I do not need to see weeds growing around it, which truly upsets me. I don't like seeing weeds around any tree, but weeds around a memorial tree bothers me deeply. When we got to the school, there were children playing on the playground and running all over the place. That is always a sight to see and become adjusted to. We go on the weekends, because school is not in session. But naturally people from the neighborhood come onto the property and use the playground, which is understandable, since the campus is delightful. A part of me would much rather be bringing my child onto the playground to play rather than be coming to visit a tree which symbolizes the life of a child that once existed.   

This morning, Peter and I spent a part of the morning outside on our deck. We had breakfast out there and he had me laughing. He knew I would be cold, so literally he brought out a space heater. He used to do that for Mattie when he had cancer! Mattie wanted to play in his sandbox during the winter, between cancer treatments while he was home from the hospital. So Peter would bring out the heater with an extension cord. We would bundle Mattie up and out we would all go on the deck. Of course we had to make sure Mattie's central line (which was connected to his chest and was how Mattie received all his chemotherapy and medications) was fully covered and protected, so it wouldn't get full of sand. Any case, as the space heater came out today, I couldn't help but remember our times out on the deck with Mattie. 

I find it rather ironic that when I woke up this morning, I had a very vivid dream of Mattie. Which I shared with Peter. Typically I can't remember my dreams, but in this one Mattie and I were holding hands and he needed a diaper change. However, I had nothing with me to change him (totally not like me!). So literally I am walking with him from room to room, building to building, trying to find his diaper bag or cubbie of things. In my dream some of the rooms were familiar and at times others were completely new and unfamiliar, and yet we just kept walking through them exploring them looking for this things together. It was the most bizarre dream, and yet it seemed quite real and vivid. In a way, I felt as if I could hear his voice, hear his stories, and so forth as we were negotiating our way through the rooms!