Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2004. Mattie was looking at Peter and smiling away and without him knowing it, I snapped a photo! That was when I captured some of Mattie's best moments...... when he did not know he was on camera. You got to love that smile!!!
Quote of the day: One doesn't have to operate with great malice to do great harm. The absence of empathy and understanding are sufficient. In fact, a man convinced of his virtue even in the midst of his vice is the worst kind of man. ~ Charles M. Blow
Over the weekend our friend and supporter, Kristen, sent me a link to an article by Paula Stephens entitled, What I Wish More People Understood About Losing a Child. Peter and I met Kristen several years ago when she moderated a parent panel that we participated in at a palliative care conference in Washington, DC. This was one of our first speaking engagements after Mattie died and Kristen made it a very positive experience for us. Now many years later, and having worked on other events with Kristen, we are still connected.
Ironically I have to admit that not every article written by a grieving parent resonates with me. In fact that maybe one reason why I am NOT your ideal support group candidate. I do not find comfort from what other parents espouse. On the contrary I have found some of the words parents have shared with me over time to be very hurtful and judgmental. Sometimes parents think that their way of grieving is the best way or that their suffering has been the worst. In either case, I find neither stance helpful to hear.
When Kristen sent me Paula Stephens' article, I immediately scanned it and saw that Paula, who is a grieving parent, developed a list of five tips you can use to help a grieving parent. Typically LISTS set me off! I find lists problematic because they usually simplify a complex process or can be very dogmatic and judgmental. So I sat back expecting NOT TO BE HAPPY! But what I found from this very simplistic tip list was actually something VERY meaningful and powerful. Why Kristen sent it to me was because she felt that while reading Paula's words, she was hearing me. Because I have been saying these feelings and thoughts for years in my writings on this blog.
Though Paula lost her son Brandon, who was in his 20's (not from cancer), and I lost Mattie at age 7, we see grief and loss from a similar vantage point. We are not pathologizing it, which I AM SO SICK of reading about. If one more article tells me about pervasive grief disorder (complicated grief) I am going to smack the author (you lose a child or someone very close to you, and have it redefine your life, and let's see how well you do?). I think if the world could remember to interact with us on a regular basis following the five steps below, perhaps we wouldn't seem so disengaged, sad, and disconnected.
In any case, as Mattie's birthday is fast approaching this week, I have to say I completely concur with Paula's tip#3! There are two days in the year that are very problematic for us grieving parents. Certainly there are others, but two in particular Peter and I retreat from. We retreat because the world doesn't know how to deal with us and we don't know how to deal with the world. That is Mattie's birthday and the day Mattie died. There are no more parties, cards, or celebrations on his birthday. Why? Did he not exist? I have no idea, to us, he exists in spirit. So instead of dealing with the day, we leave our surroundings.
Paula's fourth point is also something I write about often. It is hard to find happiness anymore, and I hate when people even use the term with me. I am not sure if it is survivor's guilt, or the fact that life will never seem as joyous without Mattie's presence in it. It is as if a spark went out that can't ever be rekindled. Sure we move forward, we find a way to reinvest in the world, but allowing myself to feel happiness doesn't feel good and in many cases I will remove myself from happy occasions or not even attend them in the first place because they aren't part of my world anymore.
I end tonight's posting with Paula's five tips and a link to her article:
1. Remember our children.
2. Accept that you can't "fix" us.
3. Know that there are at least two days a year we need a
time out.
4. Realize that we struggle every day with happiness.
5. Accept the fact that our loss might make you
uncomfortable.
http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-17928/what-i-wish-more-people-understood-about-losing-a-child.html
No comments:
Post a Comment