Tonight's picture was taken on Halloween of 2006. That year Mattie got to wear his calico cat costume that we made together the year before. He was unable to wear this costume in 2005, because Mattie spent Halloween in the hospital with sepsis. Fortunately the costume still fit Mattie the following year and he wanted to still wear it and look like our cat, Patches. The year before, I had not perfected the cat ears. But in 2006, I figured it out and I think Mattie made the cutest cat ever.
Quote of the day: Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. ~ Benjamin Franklin
This afternoon I went to the hospital to push the Mattie Miracle Snack and Item Cart. I do this once a month for many reasons. Why? Well I suppose I could just let the hospital staff do this, but I believe it is important to make my own assessments of the cart's effectiveness and usefulness. The cart has all sorts of things on it besides candy. It has toiletries (shampoo, conditioner, lotion, lip balm, body wash, toothpaste, toothbrushes, mouth wash, deodorant, etc), k-cups for coffee, cocoa, popcorn, chips, graham crackers, cookies, granola bars crackers, and all sorts of drinks (water, soda, and Gatorade). I push the cart around with our philanthropy contact at the hospital. Jane and I were super busy today. Toiletry items were truly sought after today and the teen patients truly enjoyed coming to pick items off the cart. I sensed their excitement and also the appreciation of families to be offered something for FREE. As one teen said to me, 'usually nothing is for FREE.' I told him in this case, it was!
Along my journey pushing the cart, I had a conversation with several parents. I typically enjoy interacting with parents, not to promote Mattie Miracle, but just to say hi, help them out and let them know they are supported. In most cases, I am sure parents think I work for the hospital and the cart is a hospital based service. Frankly that is fine. I am not there for the kudos. However, one parent today set me off. Like Benjamin Franklin's quote tonight points out.... it is difficult if not impossible to leave unsaid the wrong thing. But I did! I did because under duress parents can say all sorts of things.
This particular parent was super talkative and after listening to her experiences in the hospital, she then asked me if the hospital gives me money to run the cart. I kindly corrected her and told her no, that I run a non-profit that provides this service to the hospital. I left it at that, but she didn't. So then I further explained why I supply the cart. I told her when Mattie was in the hospital friends brought us these sorts of items DAILY for over a year. I knew these items were necessary, which is why I wanted to offer this service to families on a larger scale. In my conversation, I mentioned that Mattie died and in essence this is one of my ways of giving back. She did not acknowledge what I said, which is also fine, but then told me about her parents died from cancer.
Typically when working with someone who I deem I am there to help, I have clear boundaries. Fortunately I do because if we weren't in the hospital setting and she did not have a child recovering from surgery, I may have reacted differently. My point to all of this is even 8 years later people can say things that can bother and upset me. It isn't always people who have health and normally developing children who are the culprits. In fact, those who have personal experiences with childhood cancer can also set me off! Especially when I interact with someone who feels the need to compete with me about their child's diagnosis, treatment, or worse their feelings about the process. I do not react well to such challenges and competition. I have received a great deal of this unhealthy competition over the years, which is why I refuse to attend a support group and for the most part won't go on-line seeking the feelings, thoughts and opinions of parents who have or had a child with cancer. Rather ironic and funny in a way, since I am trained to be a mental health professional. But in this case, I know what I need and don't need, and clearly what I don't need is more negativity and to become further angered, upset, and derailed in my own survival process.
Yes when it is all said and done, I put this mom into context today, and can appreciate what she shared with me. At the end of the day, I rationalize the whole interchange as she being surprised to be offered items for free and was trying to understand this in the context of also supporting her son through his surgery. Certainly I know when I was in the hospital supporting Mattie, I must have said all sorts of things to strangers passing by or through our room. It is the result of sleep deprivation, stress, and sheer irritation over the uncertainty of a health crisis.
1 comment:
Vicki, I too, like this quote which many people don't follow. These people aren't always under duress either. I commend you for leaving things unsaid. Very true, she is under stress & possibly was just talking, trying to relate to Cancer in her life. I am giving her this benefit but I may have bitten my tongue to keep from replying. I am assuming her child had surgery not Cancer. Please correct me if I am wrong! I suspect this because there are those people who think & truly believe all people diagnosed with Cancer walk on a similar path.
This is not true. It never has been & never will be true. Cancer is unfair to everyone. It is hard to loose someone to Cancer no matter their age. HOWEVER, Childhood Cancer, its' intense cruelty, unrelenting hold on children & their families is the biggest, most horrendous unfairness in this world. Parents who watch their child suffer, then watch them die, living the rest of their life without this child can't be compared to any other loss in life. Forever loss is the worst. I am thinking her child did not have Cancer or her fear level would already be off the charts. It was kind of you to let it go. It must be so hard to be doing something so nice for the patients, but also have to deal with comments from people who just don't measure their words or are clueless beyond their own life!
I think it is so great that you push the cart once a month. Especially, since you never know who you will meet or where conversations will go.
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